Can I vent?

[Deleted]

I'm just needing to put this someplace.  PDQ


She called me up yesterday while i was driving to work and upset me to the point of tears. She started telling me that she hates my city and I am too far away

 ***POOF*** 

I could go on, but I won't.  I don't need her calling me and bringing me to tears when I'm still adjusting to my new environment and job.

I just needed to get that out.  I can't vent to anyone IRL .   :?



ETA: Remove details

[1confused1]

So many hugs. I know you have mentioned these same issues with her before. I think you need to start shutting her down when she starts in on this kind of stuff.

[Deleted]

May 3, 2016 22:21:11 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

So many hugs. I know you have mentioned these same issues with her before. I think you need to start shutting her down when she starts in on this kind of stuff.

Thanks.  I know it's a common vent of mine here.  I know I need to shut her down and I'm trying to do so more quickly without creating WW3.  

[1confused1]

May 3, 2016 22:26:28 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

May 3, 2016 22:21:11 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

So many hugs. I know you have mentioned these same issues with her before. I think you need to start shutting her down when she starts in on this kind of stuff.

Thanks.  I know it's a common vent of mine here.  I know I need to shut her down and I'm trying to do so more quickly without creating WW3.  

I get that. Oh do I get that!!!! Hang in there!

[jenstar]

Hugs @blueyes623, the parent/adult-child relationship is so hard sometimes.

I recently took my parents to a symphony performance and at the intermission my dad made an offhand comment that got to me so much that then I was annoyed that I was not enjoying the second half because I was still thinking about it. I can't imagine if he'd told me he didn't like where I lived or my partner etc etc

What I think helps the most is being firm about the boundaries you set with her, and what has also helped me with my dad is to acknowledge his own shortcomings and then taking his opinions in light of that. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but when I was in the lead up to my separation my dad gave me a lot of advice and I took a lot of it on board but looking back, now I can see that my dad (and his modelling) was a huge part of the reason that I ended up in a marriage like the one I had. Since then I've generally taken his advice and opinions more with a grain of salt than to heart. I know my siblings still struggle a lot with this too. I still love him, but we all have our limitations

[bl]

Lots of hugs. I wish there was a way you could nicely tell her mom, I am still adjusting to this new life of mine and if all you are going to add is negativity then please don't call. I am so glad to hear that you are liking the new place though! I am headed to your neck of the woods this weekend.

[doglove]

I think just a simple, "I don't want to discuss these things with you." could go a long way here. I'm sorry she feels like she can tell you what to do and what she thinks you should do. Obviously what makes you happy and what she thinks will make you happy are not in line and at the end of the day - you're the one living your life and you know whats best for yourself.

[glitzyglow]

That sucks and I know you've been dealing with the change in your relationship with her for a while now. Honestly, I think everyone is right that you'll just have to be firm with her when she brings up things in a hurtful manner. Her thoughts on where you live, what you do for work, etc., are irrelevant as much as she may not want to acknowledge that, but perhaps it's time to point that out to her. If she continues to push it, say firmly, "I'm not going to talk about this anymore with you." If she doesn't respect that statement, end the call. I know you say the conversation brought you to tears, but you have to use the power to end the call before it gets to that point...it's important that you protect yourself and your boundaries. The relationship between you and your mom has changed and with those changes come the need for you to put up clear boundaries until she respects you and your life choices.

[jojoandleo]

Man, this shit is so hard. My mom went crazy for a couple years and it was SO HARD to handle (and she still has touches of it here and there, but no where near where it was). Anytime I tried to tell her she was being crazy, she blew up at me and called me names. She told me I am a cold person, and that has stuck with me to this day.

I think aging, especially for women, is hard on a parent. My mom struggles with feeling relevant and a part of her kids lives. I am 7 hours away from her now and she hates not being here for all the little things. So, she lashes out. This doesn't mean anything she is saying is okay.

For me, I didn't answer my mom's calls if I wasn't in the right frame of my mind. I also got really good at finding a way to subtly change the subject. I think you could also try the, "Why would you say that? That is very hurtful." when she starts in. make her realize she is being hurtful and make her try and explain why she is being a hosebeast.

I am sorry. Family relationships can be so rough.

[TR]

Oh man, I'm sorry, that's tough. I'm dealing with a lot of OCSP (Only Child of a Single Parent) guilt with the probable move to TX.

[Deleted]

Uggg I'm so sorry. I think we have similar moms. And as easy as it is to say just shut it down, it's SO much more complicated than that. I've tried saying things like "Mom, I'm aware of your feelings. It really upsets me that you continue to bring them up. I'm not going to stop seeing XYZ so can we agree to disagree on this and move on?"

In terms of putting down where you live a simple "Well, good thing you are the one living here then huh?" Same with the job "Well that's the good thing, it's my job. You don't have to understand it"

Good luck and hugs. I know how hard this is.

[Mrs.Rad888]

I'm going to channel my inner Dear Abby here by asking if this is a sudden personality change. I don't know how old your mom is, but is there any chance this could be the beginning stages of some kind of dementia? IIRC, you guys had a good relationship before your stepdad died, I wonder if he kind of kept it in check, but since he's not around, you are getting it with both barrels from her now. Maybe you can talk her into getting a physical, but just keep reminding yourself that this is 100% about her, not about you.

[Deleted]

My mom is crazy. I've had to distance myself from her. I have had roommates for the last 3 years. I joked about how thank goodness my roommate wasn't here to witness my dog's poo'splosin or else she's probably move out. and my mom was all "yes roommate situations RARELY work out". GTFO. I was joking. She thinks my roommate is poisoning my dogs and wants me to ship my dogs to her to keep them safe.

She also asks me all the time when I'm going to stop traveling around and come back and live at home with her. Excuse me? I didn't move out at 18 on accident and that isn't MY home. She got really clingy for awhile when my sister stopped visiting her. None of us live closer than 5 hours away. She can't be reasoned with.

She tips the scales at crazy. It became worse after my dad passed away and she wanted to play widow. They were divorced and separated for three years when died. She feels like no one felt sorry for her or sent her sympathy cards. And she said we didn't let her in the room when he died. So I asked her who said she couldn't be in there? No one. It was just an unwelcoming environment. UM WTF.

[LoveBug]

My mom is like this. I think she has really bad anxiety and is depressed. I've told her time and time again that I don't need to hear every thought that goes through her head and told her she needs a filter. She gives me her opinion on every aspect of my life and it's usually unsolicited. She gets better as times but always regresses. I've told her this will impact what I share with her and we won't get to be so close because of how she treats me. She blames it on her worrying about me, but I just don't want to hear it.

For ex, I have just shared a great story about my BF, my DD and my BFs kids. I was saying how awesome everyone have gotten along and she cut me off to say "oh I don't know.....I just worry you need to be single." Meanwhile when I was single, she told me I wasn't getting any younger and worried I wouldn't be able to have another baby if I wanted one.

So now she doesn't get any stories, good or bad. And if she starts on me, I cut her off u till she stops and remind her that I didn't ask/don't want to know/don't care.

I'm sorry it's like this for you. I know how draining it can be.

Eta: my mom used to call crying about thing going on in my life. I would say why do you think this is what I need to hear?? She would say "well I need to talk to some one about it!" And I had to remind she that it isn't fair for her to vent/complain/stress about MY life to ME!

[Deleted]

May 4, 2016 16:46:55 GMT -5 Mrs.Rad888 said:

I'm going to channel my inner Dear Abby here by asking if this is a sudden personality change. I don't know how old your mom is, but is there any chance this could be the beginning stages of some kind of dementia? IIRC, you guys had a good relationship before your stepdad died, I wonder if he kind of kept it in check, but since he's not around, you are getting it with both barrels from her now. Maybe you can talk her into getting a physical, but just keep reminding yourself that this is 100% about her, not about you.

So, my mom had been on ADs for probably 25 years, some of which worked better than others.  She's always been hard on me in an effort to make me "successful/better than her" etc.  There have been times in the past when she made my life a living hell because she didn't like something I was doing or someone I was hanging out with at the time.  I'd always try to appease her because she's my mother and I'm her only child. I have a great career and even when I was growing up, I was a really good kid.  

After my stepdad died I forced her to see her doctor because I felt that she needed something extra for anxiety.  Long story short, she's been off of ADs for close to a year now.  She took herself off and it's bad.  She calls me a pill pusher (due to my job) and says that she doesn't need meds or therapy because "that's for crazy people".   It's so hard.  

[Deleted]

May 4, 2016 17:59:51 GMT -5 LoveBug said:

My mom is like this. I think she has really bad anxiety and is depressed. I've told her time and time again that I don't need to hear every thought that goes through her head and told her she needs a filter. She gives me her opinion on every aspect of my life and it's usually unsolicited. She gets better as times but always regresses. I've told her this will impact what I share with her and we won't get to be so close because of how she treats me. She blames it on her worrying about me, but I just don't want to hear it.

For ex, I have just shared a great story about my BF, my DD and my BFs kids. I was saying how awesome everyone have gotten along and she cut me off to say "oh I don't know.....I just worry you need to be single." Meanwhile when I was single, she told me I wasn't getting any younger and worried I wouldn't be able to have another baby if I wanted one.

So now she doesn't get any stories, good or bad. And if she starts on me, I cut her off u till she stops and remind her that I didn't ask/don't want to know/don't care.

I'm sorry it's like this for you. I know how draining it can be.

Eta: my mom used to call crying about thing going on in my life. I would say why do you think this is what I need to hear?? She would say "well I need to talk to some one about it!" And I had to remind she that it isn't fair for her to vent/complain/stress about MY life to ME!

Yeah, my mom blames everything on her worrying about me too.  But it's just that my whole life she's always wanted me to do what SHE wanted me to do without much regard for what I wanted.  She's been there to help me and encourage me, but she's also been very tough and judgmental as well. It's complicated.  

[Deleted]

@pdx18, I think we have similar moms too. It's hard.

[Mrs.Rad888]

May 4, 2016 20:04:57 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

May 4, 2016 16:46:55 GMT -5 Mrs.Rad888 said:

I'm going to channel my inner Dear Abby here by asking if this is a sudden personality change. I don't know how old your mom is, but is there any chance this could be the beginning stages of some kind of dementia? IIRC, you guys had a good relationship before your stepdad died, I wonder if he kind of kept it in check, but since he's not around, you are getting it with both barrels from her now. Maybe you can talk her into getting a physical, but just keep reminding yourself that this is 100% about her, not about you.

Words and stuff

I deleted the quote, just in case.

That's really tough. I wish I had words of wisdom to give, it sounds like you've been dealing with this for a very long time. Hugs. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this.

[Deleted]

May 4, 2016 20:32:47 GMT -5 Mrs.Rad888 said:

May 4, 2016 20:04:57 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

Words and stuff

I deleted the quote, just in case.

That's really tough. I wish I had words of wisdom to give, it sounds like you've been dealing with this for a very long time. Hugs. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this.

Thanks.  Sometimes I feel alone in this and it's just nice to be reassured by other sane people that it's not me.  I'm far away from my old friends and coworkers that were my place to vent and J just becomes aggravated that I allow myself to get upset/be exposed to all this.

[mrsukyankee]

I know I don't post on here often but I have a book suggestion for you:  Will I Ever Be Good Enough For You?  I suggest it to people who have what seems to be narcissistic mothers (I'm a psychotherapist).  Hugs.

[Deleted]

May 5, 2016 4:52:57 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

I know I don't post on here often but I have a book suggestion for you:  Will I Ever Be Good Enough For You?  I suggest it to people who have what seems to be narcissistic mothers (I'm a psychotherapist).  Hugs.

Thank you for that.

[dreamcrisp1]

I'm sorry that this is still ongoing. You dont deserve that. I have no advice but tons of hugs.