WWYD - my kids and my bad relationship with my father

[cricketwife]

LONG - I'm sorry!

TLDR: deadbeat grandfather - what to tell kids?

Looking for advice, thoughts, help processing....

My dad has 5 children, of whom, I'm the only one who has any relationship with him. I used to visit 1-2 times a year (more or less, just depending) because he and my mom lived close enough to each other (where I grew up) that I could visit for a few hours whenever I'd go spend time at my mom's.  Just before DS1 was born, my mom moved far from there.  I can't imagine any circumstances when I would spend the time and money to go visit just my dad.  But we talk on the phone and are pleasant to one another.

My dad has met my son once.  To his credit, he flew done here to meet him.  But, before coming, he said, "I'm trying to decide if I'm just coming out of guilt or because I want to."  My H always says that he thinks my dad feels a lot of guilt towards me/our relationship.  I replied, "Dad, if you want to come, we'd love to have you.  If you are coming because you feel guilty, please don't come.  Life is too short to make our decisions based on guilt."  He came (a Friday night to a sunday afternoon.) but the comment (along with a million others over the years) still hurts me because you wouldn't even say that unless that was obviously your motivation.  And who needs GUILT to motivate them to meet their own grandson??!?  He brought DS1 a Jumping Beans outfit from Kohl's as a gift.  This is the only gift he has ever given my son who is 2.25 yrs old now.  Nothing mailed on xmas, bdays, etc. This bothers me a lot, mostly because he buys gifts, (including cars and homes) for his three stepchildren and their kids who he has always treated better than his own children.

H's parents and my parents are both divorced, so DS has 4 sets of grandparents.  The other three sets love him.  H's parents live in England and DS has only met him once, but they Skype, talk to him on the phone, etc.  There is no doubt they love him.  My mom also lives far away, but she's in FL and we like visiting her at the beach , plus I'm closest to her so DS has seen her and my stepdad a bunch of times and Facetimes with them a lot.  So grandparents a not lacking in DS's life (other than that it would be really nice if they lived closer.)

I'm due July 28 with DS2.  I haven't told my dad that I'm pregnant because I don't want him to ignore another child of mine.  Originally, I thought I would "never" tell him, but it's sort of unrealistic -- he calls and hears the baby crying or whatever.  More importantly, I don't want DS2 to in any way feel bad because his grandfather never knew he existed.  So now I'm leaning towards telling my dad once he's born.  BTW,  congrats on your new grandson!

Moving forward, I just don't know what to say, how to protect my kids from the fact that their grandfather obviously doesn't care about them at all.  He's always done a crappy job of letting his own kids know he loves them, so it's just a continuation of that.  It's not a reflection on my kids, but I don't know how I'll explain that to them? And it does hurt. More than the crap he's done to me over the years.

Thoughts?  Stories?  I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here.... 

[kershnic]

I'm sorry your dad is so bad at having a relationship with you. That sounds understandably painful. I would also be hurt by his lack of motivation to have a relationship with you or your children.

That said, I don't think your kids are going to experience this as the loss that you do. They have loving grandparents. They don't have a big grandfather shaped hole in their lives. Honestly, they're hardly going to remember that he exists.

Tell your dad about the baby. Hiding it won't help anyone, you'll feel guilty, your son will someday feel weird that he was a secret, and your dad will be hurt when he finds out, but it won't feel good that you successfully hurt him because it won't inspire him to do better. Figure out what kind of relationship you want to have (or not have) with your dad for yourself and then set whatever boundaries you need to set to keep yourself emotionally safe.

[game blouses]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. We are estranged from my ILs and I worry about this too. They showered DS1 with gifts and attention, and then they had a fight with DH before DS2 was born; they've only seen him a few times and refused to see him in the hospital. I worry about him feeling some sort of rejection in that way.

But, like you, my kids have other sets of grandparents who love the bejeezus out of them. I have to believe that those are the memories they will have and the relationships that will help to shape them.

My mom's father was abusive and neglectful, and he never met us before he died. I never took it personally because I knew my mom loved me, my dad loved me, my aunts and uncles loved me, and my other grandparents loved me. Your dad's neglect won't matter that much to your kids because he's not their dad, and they don't know him well enough to feel rejected anyway.

I'm planning on saying "Some people have a hard time showing others that they love them. Your grandparents do love you, but they have a lot of problems. What are ways that we show people we love them?" Use your dad's weakness to build your kids' strength.

[cricketwife]

May 13, 2016 8:51:58 GMT -5 kershnic said:

I'm sorry your dad is so bad at having a relationship with you. That sounds understandably painful. I would also be hurt by his lack of motivation to have a relationship with you or your children.

That said, I don't think your kids are going to experience this as the loss that you do. They have loving grandparents. They don't have a big grandfather shaped hole in their lives. Honestly, they're hardly going to remember that he exists.

Tell your dad about the baby. Hiding it won't help anyone, you'll feel guilty, your son will someday feel weird that he was a secret, and your dad will be hurt when he finds out, but it won't feel good that you successfully hurt him because it won't inspire him to do better. Figure out what kind of relationship you want to have (or not have) with your dad for yourself and then set whatever boundaries you need to set to keep yourself emotionally safe.

I think the bolded is really helpful, thank you.  I hadn't really thought about it in thise terms before. 

I am going to tell him about the baby.  I honestly don't feel vindictive towards my father,-- im not trying  to hurt him, but if it would help my kids, I would totally not tell him.  But it wouldn't help  anyone, really. 

[bk1]

I'm so sorry. It's such a hard thing when it comes to parents. 



I don't have a relationship with my dad. We had an on again off again relationship when I was younger, but he ultimately chose drugs over me and my brother and cut off contact with us. He has replied when I do try to contact him, but he never tries to make contact on his own. And we live in the same town.

He knows my daughter exists, but I have not talked to him or heard from him in over 5 years. DD has other grandparents who are wonderful and love to see her. I plan on just not mentioning my dad honestly. If she asks about him (when she does, I guess) I will be honest with her. I plan on telling her that I just don't talk to him. He chose not to be in our lives. I do plan on just avoiding the subject until it is something she notices. 

I don't know if that is the right way to handle it, but that's what I see myself doing as of now.

I would tell your dad about your son because there is no reason to hide it. I wouldn't expect your dad to come visit. I take my situation with my dad as "it is what it is". 


So many hugs. It's such a huge stressor to figure out what is best for you and your family when you are talking about an estranged parent. 

[greencrayon]

I didn't tell my father until I was almost due. He has seen her once in her life, and given her one gift as well. If he calls or sends anything or wants to visit, I won't say no, but I won't make an effort for a relationship. I don't mention him to A, because she has plenty of love from the rest of her family. He's a douchebag and I don't want him in her life anyways.

[AmyRI]

Well, my thought it to tell him now that you're pregnant so it doesn't get weird that you left out that information since you talk frequently. If he brings up a visit to meet DS2, I would (easy to type this, hard to do it I realize) tell him matter-of-fact-ly that he does not need to visit. If pressed, tell him that you still feel he visited out of guilt and it bothers you.

As far as the kids, I just tell them that I have a dad like they have a dad, but we just don't talk very often. I usually change focus to the grandparents that are involved in their lives.

I also have a bad relationship with my father. It's really odd - he apparently talks about me and my kids with his family and friends, but he does not ever call or contact me. He usually lets my calls go to voicemail, which he never returns. The contact I do have with him is initiated by his mother. He is now in very bad health, and almost all my visits are to hospitals, where we make 15 minutes of small talk and then he turns on the TV. I wait another half an hour out of guilt and then give up and leave... I told him I was pregnant with #3 in the note on his Christmas card. I found out that he got it and was happy when his sisters (whom he calls) reached out and congratulated me via Facebook message. (Do I have you feeling better about your family yet? Because I can go on... lol)

I sometimes feel like a horrible daughter, but I have spent 25 years of my life trying to maintain a relationship with him when he can't be bothered and I'm just at a point that I'm done. I have no energy left to deal with him if he doesn't have the energy to pick up his phone. He's not far from me so I'll try to see him once a year when I visit his parents. Two of three of my kids have met him, but they haven't seen him in a couple of years. I'll probably take the baby to visit while I'm on maternity leave if he gets out of the hospital, but I'm not sure if/when my older two will see him again. They ask a lot of questions about it ("why he doesn't play with us like Grandpa Stepdad?" "Why doesn't he call or skype like Grandpa FIL?") that I have no good answers for. So I just avoid it. Not very mature, but since you said you were looking for stories, there's mine.

eta: woah, sorry for the wall of text.

[cricketwife]

I'm reading and thankful for the responses. Im going to stop "liking" them because with the pearls of wisdom, there's generally something about a crappy dad.

[lurknomore]

This sounds similar to our relationship with FIL. He's an ass. We go visit, but mostly to see DH's sisters and their kids. We wouldn't go if it were just for FIL. He rarely sends gifts (he has a few times...stopped completely in the past few years). We are super close with my family. My girls (oldest is 8, so def old enough to notice) have never once asked where FIL was, why there was no gift from him, etc. If they did, we would just tell them that some people express their feelings differently. Just because he's not here/didn't send a gift/doesn't call with regularity doesn't mean he doesn't love you. And I think that's true. FIL isn't incapable of love. In fact he loves his grandkids very much. He's incapable of expressing it in any reasonable/common way. I'm guessing that in his own way, your father is the same. The fact that he does make some effort suggests that. I can appreciate it doesn't feel like enough to you. But I'm sure that your kids not having a close relationship with him will not effect them as much as it does you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. We don't get to choose our parents, but we can all learn from their mistakes. Hugs cricket.

[ECB]

What you bolder that kershnic wrote is spot on. To add, your kids are going to know about your dad to the degree YOU talk about it. His behavior hurts you. They don't need to know this. If they ever ask about him and why he isn't around more, all you need to say is that everyone is different and he's made different choices than their other grandparents. If, IF, they make about correlation about "does he not love us?", all you need to say is that this has nothing to do with them, it's entirely about him.

But really - I doubt it will come up.

[nachos]

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with this.

I've ended my relationship with my parents after years of torture. It wasn't an easy decision, and not one that I made lightly. I'm not saying that we will never have an arms-length one in the future,but it will be on my terms.

My older children know that there are issues, and I have just told them that we are not agreeing right now, and I am choosing to take care of myself and OUR family. We need to be happy and healthy together, and that doesn't include people that make us feel bad about ourselves. My parents suck every ounce of happiness out of my soul, and I'm just done.

As for my ILs...

DH likes the idea of having a relationship with them in theory, but not in reality. Neither are "grandparent material" but are not toxic, like my family. As a result, we will visit them for a few days over the summer, and that will be it. We live away, and neither are particularly interested in visiting us.

That's my story.

The moral is, you don't have to feel guilty because you don't have the ideal relationship with your father. Your kids have grandparents who love and dote on them regardless. They aren't missing out on anything. Even if they had no grandparents, they have parents who are crafting a circle of loving relationships (their "village") around them with other family and friends.

[VillainV]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Telling your dad about the baby is the right decision m. Keeping it secret won't help anything.

I think you and your dad need to figure out what kind of relationship you want to have with each other. IMO, there is nothing wrong with phone calls and very rare visits (or no visits) if that's what works for both of you. If you want to be closer to your dad, it will require effort on both of your parts. If you feel like you're putting in effort and he isn't, then it's time to re-examine if the relationship is still working.

As far as it affecting your kids, it probably isn't. They have lots of loving people in their lives. But they will eventually pick up on your cues -- if you're frustrated with the situation, then they may pick up on that and be frustrated too (even if they don't know why).

[7costanza]

I have no advice because my dad is very similar to yours. It sucks, but it helps me to think about loving grandparents as a nice to have rather than a need for kids. My dads dad didn't show much interest in me or my sister either and it wasn't a big deal to me growing up because we didn't see them much, and as an adult I can recognize that the issue was with him and not me.

Hugs

[Bernadine]

My grandfather very clearly favors my aunt and her children over my family. It hurts some, but really, I have so many other people in my life that love me and care about me that I consider it much more his loss than mine.

[devonpow]

I'm estranged from my mom. She has some mental health issues and is an alcoholic. She also basically ignored DS1, but that was far from my biggest issue. She met DS1 once when he was a baby (to be fair she lives in CA and we live in MA) and has never met DS2. I stopped all contact about 3 years ago.

In terms of the kids, I've never purposely brought it up. I mention my mom when appropriate and I will tell childhood stories that include my mom. DS1 asks occassionaly about her and has had more specific questions lately (he is 9). I say that she has mental health/brain sickness, and even though it isn't her fault sometimes it's better to not be in touch with someone. I tell him that since my most important job is taking care of our immediate family of 4 that I had to make s decision about who was good to be involved in our family and who wasn't. I've explained alcoholism to him a bit. He asks for specifics on her actions sometimes and I try to be honest in a very simple and age appropriate way. He seems ok with it.

[cricketwife]

May 13, 2016 14:29:23 GMT -5 @callmefia said:

I'm just chiming in to reiterate that your kids will have no clue. They won't care.

My mom's dad died before I was born and nobody really talked about him much. I've had periods of curiosity about him but.... Did you notice that I just called him my mom's father? I don't even call him my grandfather.

Do I care? Not really. I mean, I feel bad that my mom lost her dad so young but beyond that I have zero emotional ties to him. Sometimes I feel like a huge dummy because I know he had some sort of cancer (I think leukemia but I have no clue) and I should probably have that on my health history but since I don't know him or what he had I never have mentioned it. That's about it.

My dad's dad died before I was born, but to me that's a lot different than a living person choosing not to relate to you. But thanks for responding. Everyone's right that this matters much more to me than it ever will to them. 

[momof2]

It isn't clear to me what the scope of this relationship is.  It sounds like he calls from time to time, but doesn't send gifts or visit.  The biggest thing for me is to realize that my baggage with my family of origin doesn't have to be my children's baggage. The breezier I can be about it around the kids, the better.

For example, I have a sister that only met my youngest at my mother's funeral. I assume my kids won't see her again until my dad's funeral.  She does send Xmas gifts. So, my youngest understands I have a sister that lives far away, and my kid doesn't care at all (my other kid has special needs and does not have the cognitively ability to understand this).

Second example, my dad is actually a pretty good granddad even though my relationship with him has more issues.  These issues are not enough to require cutting him off so I can roll my eyes at some of it while my kids have a great time with him.

Our kids really don't have to have the same experience with people that we had.