What are your thoughts on this?

[minion]

Last night H and I had another misunderstanding.

H spent the first 45 minutes telling me about his day, and I listen and respond etc.

It's my turn and I'm telling a work story.

Me: So if a charter happens along the coast or anywhere in the continuous 48

H: Bursts out laughing in my face. Literally LOL at me.

Me: I'm like what? (I know I said something wrong, because the way he laughed at me made me feel like I was really stupid)

H: You mean continental 48.

Me: No I don't. Why are you laughing at me?

H: Because that's not right. You mean Continental.

Then he proceeds to pull out his phone and look it up. Mind you I GET THAT THIS DETAIL DOES NOT MATTER.

H: Continental or Contiguous. Shows me his phone. (So after he has made me feel like a dumbass, and not heard at all).

Me: I meant Contiguous.

H: Ok ok continue. ( Like he literally had to be right before I could continue my story).

Being that this is the third time that this has happened. Where he's jumped down my throat or laughed at me and yelled about some detail in my story, to make me feel crummy. Instead of finishing my story I ask.

Me: Why is it so important for you to correct me?

H: Because I don't want anyone to make fun of you at work. (He said it in a tone, like when 3 year olds can't say words correctly)

Me: You are the only person who makes fun of me.

H: Fine. I will never correct you again.

H gets up cleans up his plate and goes and does dishes. Does not look at me or say another word to me. Essentially we are looking at another week of him not talking to me. After texting a girlfriend from church (she had suggested I talk to a Pastor, I have an appointment scheduled). I finally decide to text H, mind you we live in the same house, to break the silence. The text is basic life functioning stuff. Now we just go back to pretending all this never happened.

Like yes, you win. I said the wrong damn word. But really is it necessary to be condescending? Did the correction make us a better couple? Did it make us closer? Then he was going to essentially punish me by not talking to me.

[madDawg228]

I don't think there is an easy answer. I'm really angry at your H for his response and unresponsiveness/dismal.  That doesn't seem like an emotionally healthy environment, and he needs to think about what kind of environment he creates for his daughter.

I think counseling would be good for both of you, and if he doesn't want to go, I would go by myself.  I wish I could offer you more than internet hugs, minion.

[picksthemusic]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I have to admit that I correct DH sometimes (though I have turned a blind eye to his spelling errors - it's just not worth it, haha). I have been working really hard to not do it - I think it stems from my mom being a teacher and correcting me all the time as a kid, which of course is no excuse. But I know it makes DH feel like I think he's stupid when I do it, which is why I've stopped (or try really hard not to do it).

But the way your DH did/said those things was not helpful in any way, shape, or form. It was not loving, nor was it really accomplishing anything except making himself feel better (and about what - correcting you, which - okay, hope you feel like a big man now).

There were a couple of books that DH and I read before we got engaged, and it sounds like you're coming from a Christian background, so I think you might find them helpful:

www.amazon.com/Women-Only-Revised-Updated-About/dp/1601424442/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463758086&sr=1-1&keywords=for+women+only

www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Revised-Updated-Straightforward/dp/1601424450/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1TJ0559T5K7DS3ZA808W

They were very good at underlining how men and women approach relationships/marriage, and it gives perspective on how men and women perceive things that the other does, and how it makes them feel.

The other book I would recommend is the 5 Love Languages if you haven't read it yet. You can also take the online quiz to figure out you and your H to see if they match up or not. If not, you can educate your H on how you receive/give love and it might help his perspective.

Again, I'm sorry he was so mean to you.

[minion]

madDawg228 , yep I start Tuesday, by myself.

picksthemusic , thanks for the book suggestions. I just added it to my audible list.

That 5 love languages books is the bane of my existence. We took it once, 5 years ago, when we were dating, and living at home. So like acts of service wasn't even a category since like what is he gonna come over and clean my room for me? Anyways, I think my second highest category was receiving gifts. Since then he has rubbed that in my face, because a survey said "I'm a materialistic bitch". I've tried explaining to him that taking it again in a different phase of life, has brought on different results. He doesn't care. I'm still the materialistic bitch, even though now I'm down to all my stuff being consolidated down to one room. He has a bedroom upstairs and downstairs. He also has the detached 2 car garage that is FULL, and set up his gym in the attached 1 car garage. It was supposed to be something we could use, but there isn't room for my pilates machine, so that's going in the baby's room when we move her crib into my room.

I know the interaction from last night doesn't seem like a big deal. But this is kind of my life. It didn't escalate fast because we are on edge, this is literally how he chooses to communicate with me. His resolution to all problems is "Fine, I will never do it again."

[Deleted]

May 20, 2016 10:58:06 GMT -5 minion said:

madDawg228 , yep I start Tuesday, by myself.

picksthemusic , thanks for the book suggestions. I just added it to my audible list.

That 5 love languages books is the bane of my existence. We took it once, 5 years ago, when we were dating, and living at home. So like acts of service wasn't even a category since like what is he gonna come over and clean my room for me? Anyways, I think my second highest category was receiving gifts. Since then he has rubbed that in my face, because a survey said "I'm a materialistic bitch". I've tried explaining to him that taking it again in a different phase of life, has brought on different results. He doesn't care. I'm still the materialistic bitch, even though now I'm down to all my stuff being consolidated down to one room. He has a bedroom upstairs and downstairs. He also has the detached 2 car garage that is FULL, and set up his gym in the attached 1 car garage. It was supposed to be something we could use, but there isn't room for my pilates machine, so that's going in the baby's room when we move her crib into my room.

I know the interaction from last night doesn't seem like a big deal. But this is kind of my life. It didn't escalate fast because we are on edge, this is literally how he chooses to communicate with me. His resolution to all problems is "Fine, I will never do it again."

wait... did he say those words to you?!?!?

That is so not cool. Like...beyond not cool. Does it make him feel better to make you feel lesser than him? Because from an outsider, that's how it seems.

[picksthemusic]

Huh.

I'm kind of at a loss for words here, since you explained how lopsided your marriage sounds. I'm with @aellasbeth, did he literally call you a 'materialistic bitch' to your face, or just reference some random quiz that had that as an answer? Not that either of those things are okay. At all.

DH's love language is Acts of Service and Gifts, too, so I had to learn really fast to appeal to his language. He has a long way to go to appeal to mine, but he's slowly learning. It takes effort on both sides for it to work. Sounds like your H is unwilling to see the forest for the trees here.

Actually, from what you describe, he sounds like a classic narcissist. Here's a good article:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201412/is-your-partner-narcissist-here-are-50-ways-tell

[minion]

picksthemusic, @aellasbeth - Yes to my face. Because the love language quiz had "receiving gifts" as my second highest love language. Most of the time when we are arguing about money, because of debt. On several other occasions insinuated it, because I didn't want to buy Christmas presents for his cousin and his cousins kids because we already buy presents for like 30 of his family members, were short on money and I would rather buy larger or more meaningful gifts for less people. Than a $5 action figure because I need to meet a quota.

A - You're the second person to ask, "Does it make him feel better to make you feel lesser than him?" and I don't know the answer. But if it's true I want to know why.

Picks- I re took the quiz and mine are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and then Acts of Service.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2016 11:42:32 GMT -5 minion said:

picksthemusic , @aellasbeth - Yes to my face. Because the love language quiz had "receiving gifts" as my second highest love language. Most of the time when we are arguing about money, because of debt. On several other occasions insinuated it, because I didn't want to buy Christmas presents for his cousin and his cousins kids because we already buy presents for like 30 of his family members, were short on money and I would rather buy larger or more meaningful gifts for less people. Than a $5 action figure because I need to meet a quota.

A - You're the second person to ask, "Does it make him feel better to make you feel lesser than him?" and I don't know the answer. But if it's true I want to know why.

Picks- I re took the quiz and mine are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and then Acts of Service.

If it were me, I would want to get him in a counseling environment and ask him. Because it really seems like. And that's unfortunate

I hope you guys work through it one way or another. I know D and I had some rough going our first year and things have slowly gotten better and we did go to counseling for like a month. The therapist wasn't a great fit, but it still gave us some stuff to think and talk about.

When did you guys get married again?

[Deleted]

minion This REALLY has me concerned. The kind of behaviour you are talking about IS emotional abuse: belittling, silent treatment, etc. I'm glad you're starting counseling for yourself but I think if you can get him to go, you also need couple's counseling (mostly for how his actions are hurting you it sounds like).

[minion]

@aellasbeth,3 years as of Wednesday.

It's been really rough and rocky pretty much the whole time. We've gone through phases and at one point had a mentor couple from church for a period. H decided that they were both A-Holes, so didn't want to hang out with them anymore.

I don't think, he thinks anything is wrong. He thinks I'm making a bigger deal about stuff, when I share with others. Well at some point I need to share, because it feels awfully lonely.

@ksta, TBH involving him has not worked in the past, and has just been more discouraging. So my approach this time, is to work on me and my mind space, before even looping him in.

[Deleted]

When you tell him his actions hurt you is he more like "sorry you feel that way" or "I am sorry I hurt you" ... My H can be kind of a jerk when it comes to that he is much for the "sorry you feel that way" and tends not to take responsibility for his actions and believe that people CHOOSE the emotions they have....I have been slowly bringing him around to show him that people's feelings are valid and that when you hurt someone with your actions, even if its not your intent, you need to have some remorse for hurting them.

[minion]

May 20, 2016 12:59:42 GMT -5 @aellasbeth said:

When you tell him his actions hurt you is he more like "sorry you feel that way" or "I am sorry I hurt you" ... My H can be kind of a jerk when it comes to that he is much for the "sorry you feel that way" and tends not to take responsibility for his actions and believe that people CHOOSE the emotions they have....I have been slowly bringing him around to show him that people's feelings are valid and that when you hurt someone with your actions, even if its not your intent, you need to have some remorse for hurting them.

@aellasbeth , I would say hes more "sorry you feel that way" minus the actual sorry.

THE BOLDED TELL ME HOW! Mine feels like an insensitive brick wall. I've resorted to name calling, because I get so upset and frustrated, not right.

[georgeharrison]

I only have a second, but wanted to give you hugs minion.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2016 13:17:10 GMT -5 minion said:

May 20, 2016 12:59:42 GMT -5 @aellasbeth said:

When you tell him his actions hurt you is he more like "sorry you feel that way" or "I am sorry I hurt you" ... My H can be kind of a jerk when it comes to that he is much for the "sorry you feel that way" and tends not to take responsibility for his actions and believe that people CHOOSE the emotions they have....I have been slowly bringing him around to show him that people's feelings are valid and that when you hurt someone with your actions, even if its not your intent, you need to have some remorse for hurting them.

@aellasbeth , I would say hes more "sorry you feel that way" minus the actual sorry.

THE BOLDED TELL ME HOW! Mine feels like an insensitive brick wall. I've resorted to name calling, because I get so upset and frustrated, not right.

Sending him articles about basically how that it is gas lighting and emotional abuse and how I was basically not going to put up with it and if it continued I was walking because I have already been in one emotionally abusive relationship and I don't need another. He still does it and I get mad and again tell him "stop gas lighting me" and he will realize what he's doing and turn it around. I think a part of him is that he grew up in a family where emotions were "not allowed" and its just his natural way of thinking and detaching from situations to avoid getting hurt or upset or angry or whatever (he has to do this at work because he works in a call center)

[picksthemusic]

minion, did you read the narcissist article? I really feel like this describes what you're telling us.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2016 12:35:57 GMT -5 minion said:

It's been really rough and rocky pretty much the whole time. We've gone through phases and at one point had a mentor couple from church for a period. H decided that they were both A-Holes, so didn't want to hang out with them anymore.

I don't think, he thinks anything is wrong. He thinks I'm making a bigger deal about stuff, when I share with others. Well at some point I need to share, because it feels awfully lonely.

@ksta , TBH involving him has not worked in the past, and has just been more discouraging. So my approach this time, is to work on me and my mind space, before even looping him in.

#1 is very commonly true and if so, you'd need a VERY good professional counselor who would be good with working on this. If he is incapable of seeing that anything he does is wrong, then he can't work on changing it.
#2 is also a form of emotional abuse (called gaslighting - denigrating how you feel about something, that you're making a big deal out of something that doesn't even exist or isn't important).

I'm proud of you for working on you and your mindspace at least. Self care is very important, albeit especially hard. <3

[mkate710]

May 20, 2016 13:22:28 GMT -5 georgeharrison said:

I only have a second, but wanted to give you hugs minion.

This. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Sending lots of love your way, please continue to take care of yourself!

[spa]

minion, I am sorry you have to deal with this. I know if my H laughed in my face in that way I would have probably kicked him (which is not the right response).

What really helped us was our premarital counseling in which our pastor talked to us about common issues, how best to communicate and examples of different couples who have struggled with different issues in the past. Unfortunately, it seems like he is not willing to talk to you honestly and openly about problems you think are a part of your marriage.

Like @aellasbeth, @ksta, madDawg228, have said a lot of his behavior seems emotional abusive or manipulative of you, and I don't have good advice beyond what they have said on how to help you. I just want to let you know that I think counseling for yourself is a good place to start. Hopefully, your counselor will be able to give you advice. Eventually I THINK it will be a good idea to bring him in as well or just suggest that he goes by himself.

My sister has struggled a lot in her marriage since they were kinda shotgunned right out of college I think BIL has struggled to get out of the college mindset with wanting to go out and drink, and be a dad when he wanted to be. 10 years on I know they have ups and downs but they have been trying to find some common ground during their arguments.

Have you tried to just say... do you know why I was upset when you corrected me in the manner in which you did? But I am not sure if he would go into shut down mode. If H goes into shut down mode I give him like 10 minutes to be angry, then sit on him and poke him until he answers me, but that is our dynamic.

Let me know if you need anything... like some pregnancy rage or something

[minion]

Thank you everyone for your responses and support. After stepping away from this, and trying to have a decent weekend away (which we did), I think I've come to the conclusion that I have a lot to work on.

I don't think I'm perfect at all. After reading the link above about narcissists and a little more about emotional abuse, I'll admit I exhibit many of those traits, too. I plan on working on myself first before, trying to blame someone else.

Marriage is hard.

[dana86]

marriage is hard. Its a constant need of nourishing and emotions which is draining but rewarding. Hang in there girl, nothing gets fixed over night but at least you are trying and thats more than a lot of people are willing to do.

[Deleted]

Damn right marriage is hard. Ugh.

[InBetweenDays]

You've received some wonderful advice here, but I just wanted to come in and offer a *hug*. I think it's great that you are finding a counselor that you can talk to, and hope that once you get a little more settled with that your H will be willing to see someone as well.