Hi and questions.

[themoneytree]

H and I have decided to separate and I am in the process of trying to buy a new house in a local town 15 minutes from where we live now.
No one has cheated or anything like that, but I guess he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore and at this point I guess I feel the same way?

It's been agony for a loooooong time where I hoped things would change, but I pulled the plug finally a few weeks ago.

Now I seem to have hit the anger phase. I am SO mad. I feel like I hate his guts. I hoping that this phase passes soon because it's so corrosive. I don't know if it's normal to feel such dislike for someone that you simultaneously still love?

I have to play nice because of our kid, but these past few days have been brutal. I feel like he didn't try hard enough and I am so hurt and pissed off.

How long does this phase last? I just want to get the heck out of this house, but I need him to help me with everything. The mortgage, living expenses, everything. It's so degrading.

I want to coparent effectively and pleasantly so I have to get over these feelings. I think being in a different place will help with that, but has anyone else had these feelings and if so how long did they last??

[asoctoberfalls]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I believe everyone's journey is different. My situation is different because STBXH did cheat on me (at least emotionally) and I didn't want a divorce. But for me, the anger was very short-lived and dissipated shortly after he moved out. (He moved out about a month after he told me he wanted a divorce). I have realized how much happier I am without him. i still get mad at him sometimes because he's treating me poorly even now, but I can't muster a lot of energy to care.

Our nearly 5 year old son has been struggling a lot and has been very angry. I've started bringing him to therapy and I attend my first session for myself on Tuesday. It will help me sort out my feelings and make sure I'm in a healthy place before I get into another relationship.

Again, I'm sorry you find yourself here. It just stinks.

[cuddlyevil]

Jillian Michaels has a kickboxing video. I did that after bedtime and imagined xh's face.

Are you in therapy? If not, find someone you can vent to. We'll listen too

[jenstar]

Sorry you're here themoneytree. I think it's important to let yourself feel whatever you feel about the situation and don't worry about whether it's normal or not. But I think it is, so there's that I didn't really have that so much after separation but there was an 18 month period leading up to it where I felt so many different things including anger, and I found it really hard to process because I never got angry at XH since I knew it wouldn't change a damn thing. But I think that only made it take longer to process, and honestly we've been apart for 2 years now and sometimes things still pop into my head that I am angry about.

Therapy can be really helpful, I'd encourage you to see someone if you aren't already.

I would try not to see it as degrading that you need his help. I was in the same boat but it was solely because I had sacrificed my career for our family and I just saw it as him owing me for doing that, rather than me "needing" the help per se.

[arielroux]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. My anger phase lasted about two weeks, but man those two weeks were tough. I felt like I was out of control. Every chance I got, I would lash out or cut him down. I'm not proud of how I behaved at that point in time, but at the same time, I was livid because he had cheated on me so I felt he deserved it. That's how I justified my behavior to myself.

Anyway, the anger got exhausting and one day it just stopped. I thought I would have been angry for a lot longer than a couple weeks, but after the anger phase I entered the "lets get this over with" phase and everything became much easier. Granted, we didn't have kids, but still...the anger will pass, and hopefully sooner rather than later.

Counseling helped tremendously, but not living in the same house made most of the difference. I hope things go smoothly with your new home and you can get into your own space soon. It's amazing how much that helps!

[themoneytree]

We have been seeing a therapist together and separately. I think maybe next week will be our last joint session and then I'll start going alone again.

My situation is the same - I gave up my first career to move to the US and then gave up another 6 figure job to move for him after he was laid off. Now I've been a SAHM for 4 years so my 'career' is in the toilet. It's not like I can just pick up where I left off. I would need to start from scratch, it costs money to get started, don't know if I would even be successful in this market. It's very scary.

I just hate being in this position. It feels like such a failure and so humiliating to have a husband who just doesn't want you anymore. That fucker.

[arielroux]

May 21, 2016 8:32:43 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

We have been seeing a therapist together and separately. I think maybe next week will be our last joint session and then I'll start going alone again.

My situation is the same - I gave up my first career to move to the US and then gave up another 6 figure job to move for him after he was laid off. Now I've been a SAHM for 4 years so my 'career' is in the toilet. It's not like I can just pick up where I left off. I would need to start from scratch, it costs money to get started, don't know if I would even be successful in this market. It's very scary.

I just hate being in this position. It feels like such a failure and so humiliating to have a husband who just doesn't want you anymore. That fucker.

I understand this feeling, but just know that you did nothing wrong. And you will be so much better off on your own than you would have been if you continued on in a relationship with someone who didn't appreciate your presence in his life. It is such a freeing feeling to be on your own. Sure, sometimes I still feel a bit lonely, but it's because I'm still so used to having someone else around. Not because I miss HIM, if that makes sense.

You are not a failure, and do not be humiliated. This is a fresh start...it's nerve wracking, and exciting, and can be a bit overwhelming, but you've got this. You're about to find out that you're 10,000 times stronger than you ever thought you were.

[asoctoberfalls]

May 21, 2016 8:32:43 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

We have been seeing a therapist together and separately. I think maybe next week will be our last joint session and then I'll start going alone again.

My situation is the same - I gave up my first career to move to the US and then gave up another 6 figure job to move for him after he was laid off. Now I've been a SAHM for 4 years so my 'career' is in the toilet. It's not like I can just pick up where I left off. I would need to start from scratch, it costs money to get started, don't know if I would even be successful in this market. It's very scary.

I just hate being in this position. It feels like such a failure and so humiliating to have a husband who just doesn't want you anymore. That fucker.

I hear you. My H told me he doesn't love me, hasn't loved me for a long time, and isn't attracted to me. Ouch.

But, I know I'm a really good person. My self-worth isn't tied to him. He's actually a really unkind person at the heart of it all, and I've treated him way better than almost anyone I know would have.

For example, he has never done chores, ever. We have both worked full-time for our entire marriage, and for the first 11 years I made significantly more than he did. He would plant his butt on the couch every night while I did everything. I did all chores and housework, did our taxes, planned our finances and paid bills, handled doctor visits for everyone, did all home maintenance and outside work...you get the picture. Our neighbors were disgusted and confronted him when I was mowing the 3-acre lawn at 9 months pregnant, and he went on a tirade about how they need to mind their own business and they don't know our relationship.

So, if a person like that doesn't want me, I'm ok with it. Good riddance to him!

Pdq. I may delete details at some point.

[themoneytree]

Mine isn't attracted to me either.
It's such a shitty feeling.

[jellymankelly]

themoneytree, asoctoberfalls: They all say this. It hurts to hear, but don't take it to heart.

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

The "I hate him" phase lasts a really long time for some people, and not so long for others. I made the decision to put everything behind me, accept that XH is who he is, and move on. We've got a great co-parenting relationship now. Do I still get mad as hell at him for things? Sure. I'm guessing he gets mad as hell at me about things, too, but being pissed all the time was eating away at me, so I had to make the decision to put a stop to it. It took me a long time to get there, though.

[FormerlyRR]

May 21, 2016 11:50:15 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

themoneytree , asoctoberfalls : They all say this. It hurts to hear, but don't take it to heart.

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

[bg]

May 21, 2016 11:50:15 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

And I agree that everything you're feeling is normal. Just try to get it all out in your own ways. I know what you mean about the agony, and it may be hard to believe now, but there will be relief. 

[glitzyglow]

May 21, 2016 11:50:15 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

Sure did. He's was the quite the lying liar that lied.

[cuddlyevil]

May 21, 2016 11:50:15 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

themoneytree, asoctoberfalls: They all say this. It hurts to hear, but don't take it to heart.

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

The "I hate him" phase lasts a really long time for some people, and not so long for others. I made the decision to put everything behind me, accept that XH is who he is, and move on. We've got a great co-parenting relationship now. Do I still get mad as hell at him for things? Sure. I'm guessing he gets mad as hell at me about things, too, but being pissed all the time was eating away at me, so I had to make the decision to put a stop to it. It took me a long time to get there, though.

Mine said that he didn't want to marry me, but went through with it anyway because "it seemed easier than calling off the wedding or breaking a lease.".

We were married for almost 10 years. It explained everything.

[asoctoberfalls]

Hahaha. I'm loving all these gifs. I have been poking around on Surviving Infidelity, and it sounds like it always follows the same pattern. I guess there is some comfort in that.

[FormerlyRR]

May 21, 2016 16:53:34 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Hahaha. I'm loving all these gifs. I have been poking around on Surviving Infidelity, and it sounds like it always follows the same pattern. I guess there is some comfort in that.

LoveShack.org has a few specific forums that might help as well. 

[themoneytree]

Yes, mine pulled the "I felt pressured to get married," which I know is total bullshit, but still stings like hell.

It's our 14th wedding anniversary on Wednesday and he wants to go out for dinner. WTF?

[asoctoberfalls]

May 21, 2016 19:26:50 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

Yes, mine pulled the "I felt pressured to get married," which I know is total bullshit, but still stings like hell.

It's our 14th wedding anniversary on Wednesday and he wants to go out for dinner. WTF?

Our 13 year is in July. There is NO way I'd want to go to dinner with him lol.

[themoneytree]

May 21, 2016 19:29:18 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

May 21, 2016 19:26:50 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

Yes, mine pulled the "I felt pressured to get married," which I know is total bullshit, but still stings like hell.

It's our 14th wedding anniversary on Wednesday and he wants to go out for dinner. WTF?

Our 13 year is in July. There is NO way I'd want to go to dinner with him lol.

Yeah, he said otherwise it would be a bad day. Yeah. No shit.

[cuddlyevil]

May 21, 2016 19:26:50 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

Yes, mine pulled the "I felt pressured to get married," which I know is total bullshit, but still stings like hell.

It's our 14th wedding anniversary on Wednesday and he wants to go out for dinner. WTF?

We hugged at the kids behest on Christmas and it was the most awkward thing ever.

Can't imagine dinner being any less awkward.

[Deleted]

May 21, 2016 20:05:00 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

May 21, 2016 19:26:50 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

Yes, mine pulled the "I felt pressured to get married," which I know is total bullshit, but still stings like hell.

It's our 14th wedding anniversary on Wednesday and he wants to go out for dinner. WTF?

We hugged at the kids behest on Christmas and it was the most awkward thing ever.

Can't imagine dinner being any less awkward.

I legit laughed out loud at the Christmas Hug. 

He could not say why we were getting divorced. He said it was because divorce ran in my family.

[cuddlyevil]

Ha! So divorce is genetic? All of the marriages in my family are first and only.

The hug was awful. But we hadn't told them so we had to fake it.

[itsmyparty]

May 21, 2016 19:26:50 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

Yes, mine pulled the "I felt pressured to get married," which I know is total bullshit, but still stings like hell.

It's our 14th wedding anniversary on Wednesday and he wants to go out for dinner. WTF?

My husband did both of these things. He came home from work on our anniversary, which was about a month after I filed for divorce, and announced that he had made us dinner reservations. Now, at that point our divorce was still somewhat amicable, we were living together, and the reservation was at a restaurant we both had been wanting to try for a while...so I went with him. I was still annoyed that it was the only dinner reservation I could recall him making during our marriage (and maybe relationship).

He also brought me really good chocolate truffles on Valentine's Day (still living together, but significantly more hostile by this point), which was a serious WTF. I refused to take the box from him, and he seemed really confused why. This was seriously the day after he said some really nasty and hurtful things to me, including that he really didn't want to marry me to start with, he just wanted to get me off his back, etc.

[somersault72]

I'm so sorry. My ex just came up to me one day and told me he didn't want to be married anymore. I swear the man had a midlife crisis at 29. I was absolutely devastated. It took me a long time to heal, but I did and I came out a better person, and my son is a happy, healthy 8 year old. Do whatever you need to do to get through these first few weeks/months. I agree, moving out will probably help. Big hugs, it's an adjustment but you deserve better.

[somersault72]

May 21, 2016 8:32:43 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

We have been seeing a therapist together and separately. I think maybe next week will be our last joint session and then I'll start going alone again.

My situation is the same - I gave up my first career to move to the US and then gave up another 6 figure job to move for him after he was laid off. Now I've been a SAHM for 4 years so my 'career' is in the toilet. It's not like I can just pick up where I left off. I would need to start from scratch, it costs money to get started, don't know if I would even be successful in this market. It's very scary.

I just hate being in this position. It feels like such a failure and so humiliating to have a husband who just doesn't want you anymore. That fucker.

This is EXACTLY how I felt for a long time. Now I know, it had nothing to do with me.

[doglove]

May 21, 2016 16:10:55 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

May 21, 2016 11:50:15 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

themoneytree , asoctoberfalls : They all say this. It hurts to hear, but don't take it to heart.

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

The "I hate him" phase lasts a really long time for some people, and not so long for others. I made the decision to put everything behind me, accept that XH is who he is, and move on. We've got a great co-parenting relationship now. Do I still get mad as hell at him for things? Sure. I'm guessing he gets mad as hell at me about things, too, but being pissed all the time was eating away at me, so I had to make the decision to put a stop to it. It took me a long time to get there, though.

Mine said that he didn't want to marry me, but went through with it anyway because "it seemed easier than calling off the wedding or breaking a lease.".

We were married for almost 10 years. It explained everything.

Oh yeah, I got this crap at the end too. "I don't think I ever really wanted to be married. I thought it would make me happy, but I realized I was wrong." Hey thanks for saying that to my face. A$$hole. 

[doglove]

Hugs themoneytree. Divorce is a clusterfu@k of feelings. Just grab on and ride the roller coaster. You'll be okay even when it feels like you won't be.

[Deleted]

May 21, 2016 21:54:55 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Ha! So divorce is genetic? All of the marriages in my family are first and only.

The hug was awful. But we hadn't told them so we had to fake it.

Yes, divorce is genetic per my XH. Your XH must be at fault for the divorce gene.

I wish that could have gone on our paperwork instead of "irreconcilable differences". "dissolution due to genetic divorce gene brought to the marriage by wife". /RIP Lemon.


Sometimes I still get angry at my XH, even after four years, because he took away what I wanted my life to be? If that makes sense. I was supposed to have a kid by now. I was working part time while married to go to school.  I then had to obtain a full time job to support myself which made school harder. I finished my associate but not my bachelor's yet. My work moves me around to much and I'm about to bite the bullet and go to school online instead. So my life is very different than what I wanted it to be and I feel like my X took that away from me. I DON"T WANT TO FUCKING DATE. I already did this. I already got married. I already invested myself in someone and they were supposed to stick it out with me and not stick their dick in other women. Ya know? And now I'm single, poor, and without a local support system.

OP- why would you want to be with someone who didn't try hard enough for your marriage? 

[statlerwaldorf]

May 21, 2016 16:10:55 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

May 21, 2016 11:50:15 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

themoneytree, asoctoberfalls: They all say this. It hurts to hear, but don't take it to heart.

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

The "I hate him" phase lasts a really long time for some people, and not so long for others. I made the decision to put everything behind me, accept that XH is who he is, and move on. We've got a great co-parenting relationship now. Do I still get mad as hell at him for things? Sure. I'm guessing he gets mad as hell at me about things, too, but being pissed all the time was eating away at me, so I had to make the decision to put a stop to it. It took me a long time to get there, though.

Mine said that he didn't want to marry me, but went through with it anyway because "it seemed easier than calling off the wedding or breaking a lease.".

We were married for almost 10 years. It explained everything.

My exH said this too. Totally explains 8 years of marriage and 2 kids.

[themoneytree]

May 23, 2016 12:03:42 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

May 21, 2016 21:54:55 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

And now I'm single, poor, and without a local support system.

OP- why would you want to be with someone who didn't try hard enough for your marriage? 

Well because I married him for life and I love him. Also all the things you wrote above aren't tremendously appealing. ; )

Ultimately though the answer is that I don't. I want him to love me and participate in the relationship. That's what I've been working towards for years. Now that I know that isn't going to happen I just want him to fuck off. LOL.