Hi and questions.

[Deleted]

May 23, 2016 16:32:54 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

May 23, 2016 12:03:42 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Well because I married him for life and I love him. Also all the things you wrote above aren't tremendously appealing. ; )

Ultimately though the answer is that I don't. I want him to love me and participate in the relationship. That's what I've been working towards for years. Now that I know that isn't going to happen I just want him to fuck off. LOL.

Yes it is tough but I also was better two years ago (I was better like a few MONTHS after leaving my XH) and I know I'll be in a better place than I am now. I'm just in a dark and twisty place right now. It just takes time. But the anger you feel now, I still sometimes feel after 4 years. I've also had three 6+ month relationships fail with one being recent so it brings up old emotions.  

[themoneytree]

May 23, 2016 16:47:12 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

May 23, 2016 16:32:54 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

Yes it is tough but I also was better two years ago (I was better like a few MONTHS after leaving my XH) and I know I'll be in a better place than I am now. I'm just in a dark and twisty place right now. It just takes time. But the anger you feel now, I still sometimes feel after 4 years. I've also had three 6+ month relationships fail with one being recent so it brings up old emotions.  

I'm so sorry. I really hope things improve for you soon.
I literally cannot imagine how dating post divorce would work. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

[Deleted]

May 23, 2016 18:24:14 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

May 23, 2016 16:47:12 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I'm so sorry. I really hope things improve for you soon.
I literally cannot imagine how dating post divorce would work. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

I'm sorry you're in this place. Although, I would NOT be happier in my marriage. I didn't realize how truly unhappy I was until I got out. 
And dating still gives me anxiety. I hate starting over and getting familiar with new people all over again. And I'm only poor because I live in HCOL area. I pay all my bills and have no debt. I was broke as a joke when I divorced though. 

[Saint Monica]

(( hugs themoneytree, ))

[asoctoberfalls]

Re: dating post divorce:
I'm traumatized just thinking about it! The last time I dated was 2001. Things have changed so much since then. Plus, I have NO idea how I'd meet someone because it's essential they share my faith. There is like 1 single guy at my church. I do like him. but I've know him for years in the context of my H's wife. I'm not sure he could see me differently.

I can't even think about this. Luckily my first therapy appointment is today.

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 24, 2016 6:45:02 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Re: dating post divorce:
I'm traumatized just thinking about it! The last time I dated was 2001. Things have changed so much since then. Plus, I have NO idea how I'd meet someone because it's essential they share my faith. There is like 1 single guy at my church. I do like him. but I've know him for years in the context of my H's wife. I'm not sure he could see me differently.

I can't even think about this. Luckily my first therapy appointment is today.

last time I dated it was 2001 too and while I knew there would be some challenges bc I've got dd, I was totally unprepared for the logistical challenges of having dd 24/7 and trying to meet new people (hello tinder and OKC) much less date them !

I took a year after leaving xh before I became remotely comfortable w the idea of dating and getting the logistical kinks of how to date when you've got 24/7 custody worked out.

[asoctoberfalls]

pinkdutchtulips

I can't imagine! Do you have babysitters or people to help? Luckily STBXH and I share custody, so finding time to date shouldn't be that hard. It's just finding people to date that will be a challenge!

I got diagnosed with androgenic alopecia a couple weeks ago, which is basically female pattern baldness. Going bald is not going to make it easier to date!

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 24, 2016 10:01:11 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

pinkdutchtulips

I can't imagine! Do you have babysitters or people to help? Luckily STBXH and I share custody, so finding time to date shouldn't be that hard. It's just finding people to date that will be a challenge!

I got diagnosed with androgenic alopecia a couple weeks ago, which is basically female pattern baldness. Going bald is not going to make it easier to date!

I have a patchwork of sitters, friends and family but having to rely on other people's schedules to be able to date is frustrating. It's moments like this in jealous of people who share custody and why I side eye the hell out of those with shared custody who say they want full custody .... No trust me you do not want 24/7 custody -- no no nope.

[jojoandleo]

May 21, 2016 11:50:15 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

themoneytree , asoctoberfalls : They all say this. It hurts to hear, but don't take it to heart.

Can I get a show of hands of everyone in here whose former H (XFI for me) said they hadn't loved them for a long time (or had never loved them) and were no longer attracted to them? They lie.

I also had my HSBF (My FIRST BF EVER and whom I dated 4 1/2 years) tell my best friend he hadn't been attracted to me and instead been in love with her for a year when we broke up.  Which was funny, because she originally tried to stay friends with us both, and when he told her that, she was all, "Yeah, no.  Fuck you."

I am kind of a...passionate (?) person.  I have a lot of feelings.  My angry phase lasted a good 6 months.  BUT, part of that was I also kept learning about new lies and shit.  But it does go away.  That doesn't mean I no longer think XFI is a piece of shit, he is, I just don't CARE about it anymore.

[ladyk]

*raises hand*

Oh and mine also told me that I must be broken because we couldn't get pregnant when we were actively trying because he was able to get women pregnant before. Um, what?

I'm just now getting back to my angry phase and he moved out, oh, 3 years ago and we divorced 2 years ago next month. But I am turning 40 in a few months and I basically 'wasted' my 30s on him. With that, comes a lot of sadness and regret too.

My few pieces of advice: I know it's cliché but seriously work on yourself for awhile once you're separated. I've noticed a pattern that I attack needy and "broken" people that want me to fix them. I am still working through the why of that.

Also, I see that you're trying to buy a home. I would hold off an any big purchase like that for a while until you know you can sustain it. Can you look for a small apartment so you're not tied to a mortgage?