Help...adding a baby to the mix

[shoofly]

I think I'm just looking for opinions, suggestions, advice, commiseration....I'm not sure.

I can be long-winded, so I'll try to keep this short. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. Very early on, maybe 2 weeks into dating, he shared with me that his most recent ex was at that time currently pregnant and he could be the father. He wasn't sure though, because once she told him she was pregnant and he said it wasn't a great idea for them to have a child, she up and disappeared. Just left. They lived together and when he came home one day, she and her son from a previous relationship were gone. He didn't hear from her for a few months, and that's when I came into the picture.

To get to the point - she reached out maybe 2 or 3 times since he and I started dating. Never to address the issue of the baby, but to say she missed him, to apologize, etc. Next thing we know, a paternity test request comes in the mail. He's the father. The child is 3 months old. I am stressed, nervous, anxious. He's stressed, nervous, anxious. I am really being supportive and listening to him, answering questions, providing input, etc. But I'm kinda dying on the inside when it comes to this at times. I mean, they didn't actually break up because they hated each other or cheated or anything (though he assumed she did cheat and that's why she disappeared after saying she was pregnant). What if they each have feelings for each other? I know she still does for him.

Ugh. It's all insecurity. I'm scared he would want to be with her because it's an "instant" family...just remove me. He loved her other son, was raising him. She's his "usual" or "used-to-be" type of blonde, blue-eyed, thin......and I'm the complete opposite. I am also somewhat jealous because here I am wanting a family and I'm pretty much raising other people's children but none of my own (he also has a 10 year old son). We live together. Share financial responsiblities. Talk about vacations, marriage, children. I should focus on those things.

Word vomit - that's what this is. I'm sorry. Just needed to put it out somewhere. I'm trying to cope without pushing him away and without being mad at his past. I'm not sure how I'm doing.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you feel this way. They're not together for a reason. I would not want to get back with someone who just up and left me like that and then sprung a baby on me with no warning.
Have you thought of ways to address your fears or anxiety about this with your BF? I get not wanting to express your feelings when he's such a ball of emotions right now but maybe it's something you two can work together on?

[shoofly]

@lemonlover - I have talked with him some about my insecurities and how I feel. He understands them to a point. I know part of them are maybe on the irrational side, but they are still there and I have to acknowledge them or I'll go nuts! We have so much other stuff going on to add to the mix, that it's just an avalanche. Somehow we have to make it out the other side.

mp - honestly, I've wondered the same things. I've caught myself at times wondering why I agreed to be a part of that possibility. I did some thinking at that time and I guess I was still feeling things out and seeing how they went. Hindsight and all.....but he and I are very much in love, have our place together (we moved in together in February), have future plans. It's just a big hiccup and I don't know that I did weigh all the issues and emotions that would come of this situation. My naive understanding there.

Hoping to find a new therapist ASAP and get things at least mentally under control.

[Deleted]

I mean, my friend was surprised with a paternity suit when his kid was 5. He now has full custody. No idea his ex-wife was pregnant (who up and left one day and he got an annulment). They did couples counseling about it. I still believe she is close to sainthood.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry that you are facing this with a person that you love and care about.  I'm glad you're in therapy.  In my mind, I'd just urge you to seriously consider your own wants and needs for now and the future and even make a pros and cons list.
You are not married, his children are not yours.  If you wish to have your own biological children, is that even an option with him?  Can he afford these two children and children with you as well? (you don't need to answer that here).  
Only you know what you really feel comfortable with.  Stay strong and remember to take care of yourself first.  

[shoofly]

Thank you guys for your input, questions, suggestions. I do really appreciate it.

It is a lot and he and I had a conversation about some things regarding this topic last night. I was honest with him about how I felt and how I'm not sure I can take all of this on given that I was somewhat unprepared...though I knew it was a possibility, and that we each have so much going on with work, family, personal stuff, too. I'm just overwhelmed and this is one thing to add to the mix of life right now. He did say he feels like he's burdening me and wants me to be happy and to talk with him about my feelings and wants/needs.

I guess the conversation last night included a lot of things that I needed to talk about and that I needed to hear from him. It doesn't make it less difficult, but does ease some of my anxieties right now. Truly, thank you. I have a difficult time putting myself first and in this siutation, I will have to keep in mind that I'm not "tied" to anything and still have to consider myself most.

[shoofly]

He and I have talked about having our own children @blueyes623...I'm still unsure but know that if I didn't at least try to have my own child(ren), I would have regrets. He is fully aware and knows that I would want to have at least 1 child. He would love to have children with me as well. We just have to have more stability and direction for me to feel comfortable. It wouldn't be any time soon.

Financially, he has a very well-paying job, so we are not under any stress there, though it's something that I definitely keep in mind for the future.

Thanks again for your post. I'm definitely hoping to become more mentally strong through therapy and get to a point that I can better cope with stressful situations and where I can make the best decisions for ME.

[doglove]

This seems like an awful lot of drama to build a foundation of a lasting relationship on IMO.

[stephreloaded]

May 23, 2016 21:17:55 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I'm sorry that you are facing this with a person that you love and care about.  I'm glad you're in therapy.  In my mind, I'd just urge you to seriously consider your own wants and needs for now and the future and even make a pros and cons list.
You are not married, his children are not yours.  If you wish to have your own biological children, is that even an option with him?  Can he afford these two children and children with you as well? (you don't need to answer that here).  
Only you know what you really feel comfortable with.  Stay strong and remember to take care of yourself first.  

I was going to comment on this but Blueyes said it much nicer. In my experience, if there's is drama from the start of a relationship, there will be more drama to come. As much as he can be a good guy and a good partner to you, you have to understand that you would not only be marrying him, you are marrying this WHOLE situation. I would be anticipating that his ex would be drama. 

Even if this sounds cold, you have to understand that if you marry him, a good portion of his salary will go to support his two previous children. That is something you have to be very honest and think if that is something you are willing to do.

Let me do the math here. His ex just showed up with a 3 months old. That mean this child was conceived a year ago. You started dating him around 1 month after the child was conceived (you don't find out you're pregnant after a few weeks later). He was living with his kid and her kid and had a family and he suddenly realized that it was fine to start dating you that shortly after. To me, as a single parent, there are a loooot of red flags here. There is no way in hell that I would move him with anyone at the 6 month mark having a kid. To me, this sounds like this guy is not emotionally mature. 

Insecurities, you are allowed to have them but please please don't think that it's because she is thinner or prettier or smarter (or whatever). You have gotten yourself into a mess. 

[doriswe]

May 24, 2016 10:29:27 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

May 23, 2016 21:17:55 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I'm sorry that you are facing this with a person that you love and care about.  I'm glad you're in therapy.  In my mind, I'd just urge you to seriously consider your own wants and needs for now and the future and even make a pros and cons list.
You are not married, his children are not yours.  If you wish to have your own biological children, is that even an option with him?  Can he afford these two children and children with you as well? (you don't need to answer that here).  
Only you know what you really feel comfortable with.  Stay strong and remember to take care of yourself first.  

I was going to comment on this but Blueyes said it much nicer. In my experience, if there's is drama from the start of a relationship, there will be more drama to come. As much as he can be a good guy and a good partner to you, you have to understand that you would not only be marrying him, you are marrying this WHOLE situation. I would be anticipating that his ex would be drama. 

Even if this sounds cold, you have to understand that if you marry him, a good portion of his salary will go to support his two previous children. That is something you have to be very honest and think if that is something you are willing to do.

Let me do the math here. His ex just showed up with a 3 months old. That mean this child was conceived a year ago. You started dating him around 1 month after the child was conceived (you don't find out you're pregnant after a few weeks later). He was living with his kid and her kid and had a family and he suddenly realized that it was fine to start dating you that shortly after. To me, as a single parent, there are a loooot of red flags here. There is no way in hell that I would move him with anyone at the 6 month mark having a kid. To me, this sounds like this guy is not emotionally mature. 

Insecurities, you are allowed to have them but please please don't think that it's because she is thinner or prettier or smarter (or whatever). You have gotten yourself into a mess. 

I'm with stephreloaded, on this. That's hella fast to move on when you suspect you have a baby on the way.  Did he take any action to keep in touch with her? I know you said she didn't bring up the baby but did he? I have a lot of concern about a guy who would just sit back and wait on her to reach out regarding paternity.  It doesn't speak highly of his character. I'd also question what really happened that she bailed so quickly.  Is she stable and if not, do you realize the impact that will have on your relationship with him?

Additionally you can't be mad at him for his past because this wasn't his past when you met him. This was a current known factor that you accepted.

Out of total curiosity, did she move back to your area and is he seeing his kid?

[glitzyglow]

Would I personally stay with this guy? No. For me, 10 months isn't a long enough time to agree to such a situation. I get that I'm not in the gist of it, so that's easy for me to say. However, it sounds like they were pretty serious if he was helping raise her child like his own and then they got pregnant. From his ex's viewpoint, it would be so hurtful to hear from the man that you live with and who is helping raise your son that it "isn't a great idea" to have a child together after the fact (I mean, I don't know the backstory here, just working through what was posted). For conjecture's sake I have to say that I might leave to if my live-in boyfriend said that. Were they not using birth control? Was he surprised by the pregnancy and if so, why? Why didn't he want to have additional children with the woman he lived with and a child he considered like his own to the point that he said it wasn't a great idea, but is a-okay with having a family with you?

Just random questions that popped into my head.

[TR]

May 24, 2016 10:29:27 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

May 23, 2016 21:17:55 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I'm sorry that you are facing this with a person that you love and care about.  I'm glad you're in therapy.  In my mind, I'd just urge you to seriously consider your own wants and needs for now and the future and even make a pros and cons list.
You are not married, his children are not yours.  If you wish to have your own biological children, is that even an option with him?  Can he afford these two children and children with you as well? (you don't need to answer that here).  
Only you know what you really feel comfortable with.  Stay strong and remember to take care of yourself first.  

Let me do the math here. His ex just showed up with a 3 months old. That mean this child was conceived a year ago. You started dating him around 1 month after the child was conceived (you don't find out you're pregnant after a few weeks later). He was living with his kid and her kid and had a family and he suddenly realized that it was fine to start dating you that shortly after. To me, as a single parent, there are a loooot of red flags here. There is no way in hell that I would move him with anyone at the 6 month mark having a kid. To me, this sounds like this guy is not emotionally mature.

What's weird is OP said "when he came home one day, she and her son from a previous relationship were gone. He didn't hear from her for a few months, and that's when I came into the picture."

There's no way a few months went by between him finding out she was pregnant/her peacing out and him starting to date OP if the baby is currently 3 months old and they've been dating 10 months.

All of this sounds hella rushed and drama filled and there are red flags errrrrywhere.

[stephreloaded]

OP,please don't think we are judging you or simply being too harsh. You don't even have to answer all those questions to us. Just get a new therapist and talk all these things with her/him. There are soo many complications already and it is bound to get worse, not better. Forget for a moment about what you have done like moving in with him etc but think on what YOU want and what is good for YOU. I know you think that since you love each other, that is all that matter. Problem is, that this is not necessarily true in real life.

[shoofly]

You're all honest and have great questions. Can't be mad at that. I know it's a lot of drama and I'm still wading through it myself. According to what I know, she told him she was pregnant in May, and left (with or without good reason, I mean, I know his side of the story) soon after. They were using birth control. He and I went on our first date at the very beginning of August. Neither of us was necessarily expecting a relationship, but enjoyed spending time together and things just went along as they do. He did try to reach out to her and would share that communication with me. Did he share all of it? Who knows, but I have guessed so. He's been pretty open about everything.

doriswe, yes, she did move back to our area at the beginning of the year. He found out through mutual friends. He just met his daughter yesterday. That was the first in-person contact he's had with his ex and their daughter. They are starting to work on a parenting plan.

[doriswe]

May 24, 2016 11:14:35 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

OP,please don't think we are judging you or simply being too harsh. You don't even have to answer all those questions to us. Just get a new therapist and talk all these things with her/him. There are soo many complications already and it is bound to get worse, not better. Forget for a moment about what you have done like moving in with him etc but think on what YOU want and what is good for YOU. I know you think that since you love each other, that is all that matter. Problem is, that this is not necessarily true in real life.

lol...I'm all up on stephreloaded's couch today! I just looked at some of your older posts and was all "oh, I really like this girl" and I feel bad that your in this situation right now.