What have you sworn to never do to your kids?

[rosiebear]

If you have children, what have your parents or inlaws done that you can promise not to go to your kids? Here's my list so far:

I will never insist on spending a particular holiday date with them. I've seen so many people throwing epic fits because their kids want to spend, say Christmas, with their own family or with the inlaws. I don't get it.

I will never refuse to move out of a house I can no longer take care of/be safe in. MIL is doing this now and it's so frustrating and scary.

[TBM]

rosiebear, my list is the same as yours.

Sorry about your MIL. We went through that with my mom, and she wound up in the hospital and rehab, and never got well enough to return home. She wasn't thrilled about it at first, but wasn't willing to put the work in to getting strong enough to be at her home on her own, so she got 'stuck' where she is. I don't think she feels stuck anymore though...she is in a really nice place and seems as happy/unhappy as she was at home, so it isn't like she would be any happier at home. She definitely wasn't as safe at her home, so it is a relief to us kids, especially since only one of us lives in the same city.

[sweetcheeks]

I too have promised my girls - and myself - to graciously accept when I can no longer live on my own.

My Grandmother had to put her mother in a nursing home and apparently it was so horrible, she made her daughter - my Mom - promise to never ever put her in a home. My Grandmother had a massive stroke, and could no longer walk or even talk. My Mom moved her in with her, and took care of her, while working full time (a babysitter stayed with my Grandmother when my Mom worked). My mother had no life to speak of, for 2 years, and her own health was being affected. Finally, my Grandmother's doctor and my mother's doctor held an intervention of sorts, and convinced my Mom to put my Grandmother into a nursing home. My Grandmother never forgave her for that, and my Mom lived with the guilt for years.

22 years later, my Mom could no longer live on her own, and my sisters and I made the painful - but correct - decision to move my Mom into Assisted Living. My Mother fought us and was so angry, and never really forgave us. She never, right up to the end of her life, accepted that she needed help.

I will NOT carry on that 'tradition'.

[rosiebear]

Senior community homes sound pretty great to me. No cooking, no cleaning, free bingo and all the old people sex I can handle? Sign me up!

[mrsukyankee]

I don't have kids so no one will be stuck with me...but I've agreed to stop driving when I get scared about driving (or feel the urge to drive under the speed limit) and I'll move into a retirement home with progressive help some time in my mid-80s unless I have something weird happen which would get me there earlier (women in my family live into mid- to late-90s and don't really need help until early 90s). My H agrees to do both as well (but he's younger so it'd be late 70s/early 80s for him).

[treedimensional]

To not leave behind a house full of animals and squalor when I die.

[oldpantsparty]

Have them.

[LanaLang]

One I actually learned from my mother - I won't drive past the time I can safely. She talks about the fear of riding with her grandmother, swerving over the yellow line she couldn't see, and it was so dangerous. I'll not do that, or other similar things.
As a parent of a young child, I will argue with my husband in front of him, and make up in front of him. My parents never fought in front of us and although they are still very much in love 40 years later, we grew up without a good model of how to reconcile after an argument. We just walk away and next time you see each other it's assumed over. Or not, but then maybe tomorrow. But you don't discuss it at all. Ever. That's feelings and stuff.

[sfy]

May 25, 2016 7:59:02 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

If you have children, what have your parents or inlaws done that you can promise not to go to your kids? Here's my list so far:

I will never insist on spending a particular holiday date with them. I've seen so many people throwing epic fits because their kids want to spend, say Christmas, with their own family or with the inlaws. I don't get it.

I will never refuse to move out of a house I can no longer take care of/be safe in. MIL is doing this now and it's so frustrating and scary.

When I read the title, I thought, "Nothing.  I reserve the right to be completely horrid forever,"  but these two are good.  Also, I don't care about holidays enough to act like that, and I'm not attached to property, so these two are in line with who I am anyway.  I can agree with these.

[softkitty]

I've told my kids to put me in a place where I can be outside some of the time. Make sure I'm supplied with plenty of Diet Coke and keep my Kindle account active. They can visit when they have time, no pressure, just don't forget me. I'm easy. My mother-in-law was in a nursing home very early due to myriad issues and constantly demanded attention. We had little kids and jobs and did our best, but it was never enough. I won't do that to my children. Come when you can, and call periodically and I'll be okay.

[Gato]

I will not passive aggressively try to get people around me to do what I want. My mom has been doing this constantly for the last 6 months regarding their 50th anniversary.

Me: Brother and I want to throw you a party.

Mom: Oh, that's wonderful! One week later: People will have to drive so far... Oh, it will be so expensive. Can you afford that? ...I would hate for people to feel obligated to attend.

Me: Okay, so you don't want a party.

Mom: Oh no, honey. If that's what you want! One week later: I need to lose weight for that party! ...Your father hates getting dressed up ...He doesn't like all that attention. The venue sounds so nice, but so expensive!

Me: It sounds like you actually don't want a party.

Mom: Oh, no! You and your brother have been so thoughtful! I'm excited! But let's see what he says. He and his wife are so busy...

Repeat for months.

For the love of God, I will just say what I want.

[read247]

For me, it's more like something I've sworn I WILL do...I'll trust that I raised them right and taught them to make well-informed decisions. It's just the other side of the coin. Just instead of saying I won't try to guilt them into living in a certain place, going to a certain college, spending holidays with us, etc. I'll never even mention it and just let them choose what to do in those instances, thinking only to myself "yeah, it would have been nice for them to live closer, but this is what's best for them so I'll deal".

I guess one thing I have promised not to do to them is leave them with any sort of burden due to illness or age. DH and I will have our affairs in order, we won't ever expect them to take care of us (especially financially), and we'll make whatever accommodations such as give up our house or get help that we need to so the kids don't have to deal with that.

[penelope]

I will never plan their time for them. "Oh, the kids have no practice on Saturday? You can come over, we'll grill for dinner, then they can swim and you can spend the entire day here!"

"Um, no. I have things to do!"

"Oh, then you won't have to cook. We'll do burgers, everyone loves that. They can bring friends! Be here about 1:00".

I actually had to start get very....bold with my father and tell him flat out that we will not be there. Do not text me Saturday morning and tell me all things have been purchased. Even when I would say that won't work, he couldn't get it through his head.

I've told my kids, if I ever do that to them, put me in my place and call me papa.