Update on me and dating question

[melloyello]

I last posted in December, when we filed and I discovered his affair. Just a update on me and also a question.

I moved out the first weekend of January. Having my own place with no ties to XH was wonderful (and it still is). I wanted contact limited to only sharing information about DS; he still wanted to have daily phone calls during lunch about how i was doing and if I talked to anyone. I wrote him an email to tell him that unless he had a question or concern with DS, do not contact me. He finally obliged after I stopped answering his calls. Fast forward to February, divorce was finalized.

His relationship with the OW moved full steam ahead. Whatever, I wish them the best. I had a hard time getting it through my head that I have no control over what happens during XH's parenting time, so long as DS is being taken care of and he's safe. I had a hard time when she was introduced to DS within a week of us being officially divorced. An even harder time when he took DS for sleepovers at her house. I've been working through this with my therapist and I'm feeling more calm about things. I do send him an email with concern about how things could effect DS. But I don't try tell him what to do.

I know it seems quick, but when did you decide to get back in the dating scene? I've been taking care of myself, picked up some hobbies, and I just really like I'm in the best place I've been in years. I'm not talking about getting in a relationship. But just getting out there and seeing what happens?

[doglove]

It took me over a year to think I was ready to date and realistically probably a year and a half after we separated to feel good about myself and prepared to see red flags (basically - when I thought I was ready, I wasn't). I think the timeline is going to be different for everyone. I think you need to ask yourself the reasons behind wanting to date. Are you okay with yourself? Do you have boundaries in place? Are you prepared to reject someone who you don't feel is a potential match? Do you feel lonely and need someone there or do you want someone there to enjoy spending time with doing activities and such? Are you in an emotionally healthy place to share with someone?

[melloyello]

May 31, 2016 7:13:08 GMT -5 doglove said:

It took me over a year to think I was ready to date and realistically probably a year and a half after we separated to feel good about myself and prepared to see red flags (basically - when I thought I was ready, I wasn't). I think the timeline is going to be different for everyone. I think you need to ask yourself the reasons behind wanting to date. Are you okay with yourself? Do you have boundaries in place? Are you prepared to reject someone who you don't feel is a potential match? Do you feel lonely and need someone there or do you want someone there to enjoy spending time with doing activities and such? Are you in an emotionally healthy place to share with someone?

Good questions! I am doing really well emotionally and mentally. I don't think I've been in this good of a head space in a couple of years. My confidence is back up and I have not been as much of a pushover as I was during my marriage. I feel like I've actually finally found my voice.

I have been making a list of what I think my deal breakers are. I actually met a guy a couple weeks ago. We were just talking and texting. He made me really uncomfortable and I told him I could no longer talk to him. So I think I'm in a place where I won't rush things and I feel like if something isn't good, I'll be able to end it.

Since it's me and DS most of the time, I won't be letting anyone come to my apartment. Definitely have no intention of introducing anyone to him anytime soon. I think I just want to get out more and meet new people.

[jojoandleo]

The Timing is different for everyone. Most people here say you need a good year to date. Me, personally, I have no issue with CASUALLY dating when you are ready. You and your therapist know your state of mind better than we do, so if you both are cool with you dating, then, go for it. BUT, I would seriously consider why you want to date. If you want to date because you think it will make you feel better about yourself, or because your XH is with the other woman, I'd say don't do it. I also think you need to be VERY careful. Bad men seem to have a sixth sense about when women are in a vulnerable place and take advantage of that. It's really easy to fall into a bad relationship if you date too soon after a break up.

I don't think it's a bad idea to put some feelers out there in the dating scene and see what is out there, but I'd be SUPER cautious. If you put feelers out there and you find yourself craving male attention, or feeling defeated by the men who do/do not respond-step back and give yourself more time. Dating can be a mind fuck and divorce is a mind fuck. Your mind may need more time to recover form all the fucking.

[doglove]

May 31, 2016 9:30:34 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

 I also think you need to be VERY careful. Bad men seem to have a sixth sense about when women are in a vulnerable place and take advantage of that. It's really easy to fall into a bad relationship if you date too soon after a break up.

Sadly, I found this to be the case when I started to date and wasn't ready. And the amount of messed up men and manipulators out there is alarming these days with all the online apps. 

[melloyello]

Definitely good things to think about!

I have tentative plans to grab a drink with a guy I knew in high school. We reconnected a few weeks ago. I don't think I'll be doing any online dating for at least some time (did that before and met a bunch of weirdos).

I guess I need to really think about why I'm thinking about dating. The other guy I was talking to, I met when I was out with friends. So I think it's more just putting feelers out there and seeing what happens versus trying to find someone, if that makes sense. I mean, if I go on a couple dates and decide its not the right time, I'm totally ok with that too.

[jojoandleo]

May 31, 2016 9:54:39 GMT -5 doglove said:

May 31, 2016 9:30:34 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

 I also think you need to be VERY careful. Bad men seem to have a sixth sense about when women are in a vulnerable place and take advantage of that. It's really easy to fall into a bad relationship if you date too soon after a break up.

Sadly, I found this to be the case when I started to date and wasn't ready. And the amount of messed up men and manipulators out there is alarming these days with all the online apps. 

I don't know how they do it, but it is a real thing.  They can see it in our eyes or something.  It's like a homing beacon.  It's how I ended up with XFI-he found me when I was at my lowest.  The girl he dated after me (well, during and THEN after me) was fresh off from a divorce and MOVED HERE for him.  Such a fucking creep.

[brooke77]

Everyone is different. I've been separated a year and divorced a couple weeks. I feel really ready for a successful relationship. Even though I initiated the divorce, I do think I needed some time to be single and mourn the loss of my marriage. Some people move on much quicker though.

I will ditto PP's advice. Use caution with the dating apps. There are some real creeps on there!

[elfinia7]

I started casually dating 3 months after we separated. By January, someone I initially started to date casually felt different and I've been more serious and am just dating him. Our divorce was filed finally end of April. Technically it's not 100% final until end of July based on our state laws but for all practicality, we are divorced. I'm moving slowly with this new guy, but so far things are really good and I'm really happy.

I know I got more then a few raised eyebrows when I started telling people I was dating but for me once I came to peace with the separation and realized it was over (with the help of therapy of course) I felt ready to move forward. I've definitely mourned the loss of my marriage for sure and I'm still navigating a new normal with my ex but I know I was done in my marriage long before it actually was done. It just took a bit to actually see that.

[jenstar]

May 31, 2016 10:02:29 GMT -5 melloyello said:

Definitely good things to think about!

I have tentative plans to grab a drink with a guy I knew in high school. We reconnected a few weeks ago. I don't think I'll be doing any online dating for at least some time (did that before and met a bunch of weirdos).

I guess I need to really think about why I'm thinking about dating. The other guy I was talking to, I met when I was out with friends. So I think it's more just putting feelers out there and seeing what happens versus trying to find someone, if that makes sense. I mean, if I go on a couple dates and decide its not the right time, I'm totally ok with that too.

Just be careful as in my experience it's harder to let go of someone you have a prior connection to if it's not working. It's not the same as ditching a dude you don't know.

I think only you know if you're ready, and honestly you might not really know until you try and it doesn't feel right etc. I am just about 2 years out from my separation and I've barely dated but I think partly that's because I like being on my own and partly because I just don't get out into new places to meet people that often.

Good luck!

[riverpestie]

It took me about 4 years after my XH and I separated before I started dating again.
I think timing is different for everyone. I was having a fantastic time being single and wasn't interested in being in a relationship.