Your Thoughts - Please!

[Deleted]

I'm not clear why him cheating on you and treating you like shit isn't a "socially acceptable" reason. Get out and move on with your life. He's a douche. It's clear he doesn't care or respect you. What's in it for you if you stay?

[achase123]

While you may have thought you had a "great guy" you also have ZERO communication in your marriage. That's one of the first things I noticed from your post. Why in the world wouldn't you confront him about the emotional affair (which probably is also physical)? You just sat back and played passive/aggressive?

It also sounds like the two of your act very immature. Smoking pot isn't ok for either of you to do, it's illegal. And probably a lot of the fighting that happened at these parties was alcohol and/or drug induced, no?

I recommend couples counseling and/or individual counseling. If you didn't like the first person you went to, try another one. But you also need to grow up and realize just how essential communication is. You're just sitting back, expecting him to get the unspoken message that you want to be romanced. It doesn't work like that. TELL him what you want and need.

Also, I'm in no way discrediting how wrong he is for his affair (or whatever you want to define it as) but I'm saying that there are other issues that go along with it. You need to get into counseling to decide whether or not these things are deal breakers.

[wrathofkuus]

What would happen if you brought this to a head and said everything to him that you said to us, do you think?

[achase123]

May 17, 2012 13:53:07 GMT -5 sunshine said:

May 17, 2012 13:25:38 GMT -5 achase123 said:

While you may have thought you had a "great guy" you also have ZERO communication in your marriage. That's one of the first things I noticed from your post. Why in the world wouldn't you confront him about the emotional affair (which probably is also physical)? You just sat back and played passive/aggressive?

It also sounds like the two of your act very immature. Smoking pot isn't ok for either of you to do, it's illegal. And probably a lot of the fighting that happened at these parties was alcohol and/or drug induced, no?

I recommend couples counseling and/or individual counseling. If you didn't like the first person you went to, try another one. But you also need to grow up and realize just how essential communication is. You're just sitting back, expecting him to get the unspoken message that you want to be romanced. It doesn't work like that. TELL him what you want and need.

Also, I'm in no way discrediting how wrong he is for his affair (or whatever you want to define it as) but I'm saying that there are other issues that go along with it. You need to get into counseling to decide whether or not these things are deal breakers.

With all do respect to all the ladies on this board, but I think 80% are "guilty" of turning a blind eye to their spouses inappropriate behaviour. We woudnt all be on this board if we didnt. As stated in my OP, I was naive and didnt want to ruin a "good thing". I admitted that that was my 1st mistake.

I knew Id start a shit show for mentioning pot but, again, Im sure alot of people here have smoked some at some point. I wasnt shitfaced and Ive smoked maybe 3 times in my life.
Furthermore, we arent drunks. We are not wasted and fighting. We drink socially and responsibly. There have been times when we've been drunk-ish and havent fought. so Im pretty certain we can rue out alcohol as the reason behind the fighting.

Also, as stated in my OP - no I dont think I need to tell him I need romance. I didnt have to tell him this when we dated. He knew just the right thing to do and always did it. I didnt just suddenly stop wanting romance. Just as Im sure he hasnt suddenly stopped wanting sex.

I'll give you points for the communication advice. We stink at it.

Any tips on how to start the convo?

Communication AND counseling. Two things. Also, why the staunch refusal to tell him what you need? I'm pretty sure I'd file that into the "communication" category. Talk to your husband and tell him what will make you happy! That seems very simple.

I'd say something like "you know, I really loved it when we were dating and you did x,y,z". "What do you say we go out for a nice dinner tonight or away for the weekend?" Positive reinforcement.

But I still think you need couples counseling, stat.

And yes, I certainly turned a blind eye for a long time, but when I had solid PROOF, as you do, you can bet I spoke up about it.

[audg]

May 17, 2012 13:23:03 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'm not clear why him cheating on you and treating you like shit isn't a "socially acceptable" reason. Get out and move on with your life. He's a douche. It's clear he doesn't care or respect you. What's in it for you if you stay?

OMG THIS!!!! He has been lying and most likely cheating on you! Not to mention emotionally abusing you. While no one is perfect and you had a part in this by not calling him out on his shit asap (I'm guilty of this myself btw)...you deserve better!! I would go speak to someone right away.. try a different therapist. And just because someone has strong family values, their friends love them and he took care of his people, doesn't make him a potential good husband. How you're treated is #1.

[wrathofkuus]

May 17, 2012 13:57:25 GMT -5 sunshine said:

May 17, 2012 13:48:29 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

What would happen if you brought this to a head and said everything to him that you said to us, do you think?

I tried it once before and he got defensive. Took my words out of context. I was speaking to him like an adult. Trying to have a convo. Then he cried because all he got from the convo was that I didnt want to have kids with him because he cant make me happy. (I said I didnt want to have kids if our relationship was like this). I felt bad and pushed it all to the back of my mind.

That was 3 years ago. He hasnt changed. Things just continued on as usual.

So he gaslighted you and made you the bad guy for his cheating and controlling ways? And you let it go at the time because it worked and you felt guilty?

Have you tried standing your ground and calling him out on this sort of manipulation?

Regardless, I don't get the couples' counseling suggestion at all. This marriage is done. He's cheating, you know it, he knows you know, and you don't love him any more. I do think, though, that individual therapy will be great to help you not make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

[ECB]

May 17, 2012 13:23:03 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'm not clear why him cheating on you and treating you like shit isn't a "socially acceptable" reason. Get out and move on with your life. He's a douche. It's clear he doesn't care or respect you. What's in it for you if you stay?

This. And you would actually stay in an unhappy marriage based on what other people (who don't know the inner workings of your marriage or problems) think???

[ellewrites]

I know a lot of responsible, successful adults who smoke pot regularly. The issue here doesn't sound like it's about drinking or drug use, it sounds like it's about control. Your H doesn't seem to respect your ability to make adult decisions and it sounds like both of you aren't communicating your wants and needs in a direct, productive way.

As far as tips on how to start the convo, one thing my therapist told me was to tell him (in this case my h) three specific things you need to change to be happy. So avoid general statements like "I need more love" and say something like "I feel valued when you do xyz, and I need this every day to be happy."

I also suggest you find another therapist for yourself and perhaps a couple's therapist if you really want to work on this.

[audg]

May 17, 2012 14:13:56 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

May 17, 2012 13:57:25 GMT -5 sunshine said:

I tried it once before and he got defensive. Took my words out of context. I was speaking to him like an adult. Trying to have a convo. Then he cried because all he got from the convo was that I didnt want to have kids with him because he cant make me happy. (I said I didnt want to have kids if our relationship was like this). I felt bad and pushed it all to the back of my mind.

That was 3 years ago. He hasnt changed. Things just continued on as usual.

So he gaslighted you and made you the bad guy for his cheating and controlling ways? And you let it go at the time because it worked and you felt guilty?
Have you tried standing your ground and calling him out on this sort of manipulation?

Regardless, I don't get the couples' counseling suggestion at all. This marriage is done. He's cheating, you know it, he knows you know, and you don't love him any more. I do think, though, that individual therapy will be great to help you not make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

Yep I was just going to add this. My STBXH did this same shit to me over and over and over and over.. to the point where even though I knew deep down that he was lying to me, he made ME feel like the bad guy and I started actually wanting to believe him. Therapy has taken me FAR from this dark place.. and has helped me soo much!

And in regards to therapy.. I mentioned seeing a new therapist, but meant for YOU ALONE. While I'm not usually eager to tell someone to leave their husband, I think it's pretty clear you both checked out of your marriage a long time ago and he has zero respect for you. *HUGS*

[dakotadangerdog]

I don't see any issue with responsibly smoking weed, as long as everyone's ok with it and you aren't you know supposed to be watching kids/going to work/driving anywhere, whatever.

I would divorce that guy ASAP. No amount of counseling would EVER get me past a dude cheating on me, especially for so long. There is NO SHAME in that, it is a good enough reason. The only reason you EVER need is "I'm not happy, and I won't be happy in this situation".

[kellbell191]

I agree with kuus. Your big issue here is that he is cheating and lying, and you aren't comfortable enough with yourself to call him on his shit. This man has no respect for you, and quite frankly it doesn't sound like you have much respect for yourself. You can't make him magically wake up one day and decide that he will make you a priority.

[hazelandblue]

May 17, 2012 13:23:03 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'm not clear why him cheating on you and treating you like shit isn't a "socially acceptable" reason. Get out and move on with your life. He's a douche. It's clear he doesn't care or respect you. What's in it for you if you stay?

Agreed. Even if he never physically cheated (which you can't really prove either way yet)you have seen the emails, texts, etc implying a desire to do so.

It doesn't matter what other's think. Your happiness is at stake. You are young. Do you want fifty more years of this?

[Deleted]

sorry but 80% of women do not choose to turn a blind eye. don't use that as an explanation for you avoiding your h's douchiness! a lot of us don't turn even an eyelash and realize really quickly and take immediate action. We also do not need acceptance for everyone around us to know when we are being disrespected. A lot of us take no BS from our H's, never have and never will because we demand more.

If you dont demand and expect respect for yourself a douche like your cheating lying H is certainly never going to give it to you.

No one here is going to get you to respect yourself, only you can do that.

[theycallmeliz]

1. You don't need a socially acceptable reason to leave someone. Who gives a crap what others think?

2. Cheating is a TOTALLY socially acceptable reason to leave someone. That is a very obvious boundary that he has clearly crossed and you do not have to tolerate that.

2.1 ---> Therapy or not... him cheating will not stop. He is using it as a justification for something, perhaps a self-image problem? Perhaps something else?

3. You DO have to tell him you want to be romanced. I know it feels like you shouldn't have to and he did it while you were dating, but all kidding aside, communication is key. It took me leaving my XH to realize that I HAVE to speak up more if I want something to change.

4. It sounds like you are already emotionally disconnected. The real question is this. Even if you communicated with him and he was open to counseling or whatever other measures, could you trust him again? From a "been there, done that" perspective, I can honestly tell you no. Once that trust of intimacy is broken, it does not come back. (I should know, I married my X twice thinking "this time will be different")

5. Im sorry you're going through all this. If I were in your shoes (which i am not, so take my advice for what its worth), I would start to prepare my "exit strategy" and close that door and chapter of your life.

Oh, and to explain the reasons he totally flipped his lid with you is because he feels guilty and has something (if not more) to hide, so the best way to cover your tracks is to exert your guilt as paranoia (sp?) on others.