I need help...

[shoofly]

I know none of you know me at all...but I need help. I posted last week or so about my boyfriend being the father of a 3 month old baby with his most recent ex before me. It is rocking my world. I cannot get over the insecurity associated with it, plus the constant feeling of never doing anything right for him.

He and I drank a bit yesterday and it came out yet again how insecure I feel and how stressful it is. I probably said hurtful things but he said some right back. He's now left our home and has said since I don't seem to be happy with him, I never will be. That I need to figure out my life and that I am just a well of ill-will. That I don't know how to be happy. That I use him as a punching bag.

So why am I sitting here, crying so much my eyes are almost swollen shut?? Why can't I leave?? What is keeping me here? He's a manipulator and everything he says makes everything my fault. But how? Does he not hear himself?? Why am I such a loser and so weak as to put up with how he treats me let alone that he turns it on me instead.

Thank you for reading. I'm lost. I'm scared. I have no other home to go to. I have nothing. When we combined places, I got rid of almost everything thinking I had my future here. I have no $$. My family is here but...we're all still reeling from my brother's death. I have just about no friends.

I'm so, terribly sad.

[doriswe]

((shoofly))

You have every right to feel what you're feeling. I can't remember if you're in therapy or not, but I'd make that a top priority...not only to look at how to deal with the child but also why you're willing to put up with someone who you say is telling you everything is your fault. And to deal with the grief I'm sure you're feeling about your brother's death.

And you don't have to stay because you don't have stuff. You do what you need to do, even if it's crashing with a friend for a bit or sleeping on an air mattress. Don't stay because you feel like you're stuck.

[1confused1]

Hugs.

I know you are still looking for a therapist, but you need to find one asap.

You are not a loser and weak, this guy is breaking you down and it's not your fault. Reach out to a friend or family member and let them help you.

[jenstar]

Hugs shoofly. That sounds really hard. Honestly it is probably an indication of his own insecurity that he tries to turn everything around on you. My XH was famous for that, and now I realise it's just another symptom of his disordered personality.

It's highly possible that you can't leave just yet because it's so hard to let go of what you thought you had. But I think in your heart you probably know at this point what you need to do.

Remember, a good partner would hear your concerns, acknowledge them and do their best to make you feel as comfortable as possible. It doesn't sound like he's doing any of that. And telling you that you can't be happy is just bullshit, I don't know that many people who could magically be happy in the situation you're faced with. x

[Deleted]

I'm sorry.  Don't stay even if you feel stuck.  Your family will help you.
Google "gaslighting".  It seems like you may be experiencing a bit of this.

[glynn]

Hugs, sorry. Reach out to your family and freinds you may be surprised.

[glitzyglow]

I'm sorry, breakups are hard especially when you've invested time into a person you had high hopes for and his true colors proved very differently than what you thought. I would reach out to your family; I do not think they would want you to hurt all alone and would probably help you in any way they can. Big hugs.

[doglove]

You don't have to force yourself to be okay with a situation that you are clearly not okay with.

[shoofly]

Thank you all for your advice, kind words, suggestions. I just hate feeling like I've failed...again. I have no home. I have no furniture. Nothing. I have barely any $$ because he and I had plans for the future, so we combined financial commitments (not accounts yet) and I had been helping out with some of his struggles. Guess where that has left me? Almost 32 and not much to show.

Anyways, I'm just shocked at how this is all playing out and hurt and sad. The home I had with him, though dysfunctional at times, was really the only place that's ever felt like home - even though I was married before.

[doglove]

Staying with someone because it helps financially is not a good reason to stay with someone. You all have been dating 9 months and you're paying his bills and combined finances? This seems really fast.

[shoofly]

It probably is. It felt like it at the time, but then I was sitting there second-guessing myself, thinking I was just holding back because I was scared due to my last relationship. I can't put into words how confused, broken, and dumb I feel.

Good news is I called my old therapist, who I've only seen about 5-6 times, and set something up for today at 2pm (1.5 hours). I'm going to lose my mind. How did I get here? No answer really needed.....I just...Idk.

[doriswe]

Right now focus on what you need to do for YOU right now...worry about unpacking how you got here after you've gotten through this crisis.

[glitzyglow]

Please try not to feel mad at yourself because you are asking some great questions that can lead to some awesome self-healing and self-awareness. It's so easy to kick ourselves when we are down, but really we should be gentle with ourselves as we would with a good friend. It may have happened, but it doesn't need to happen again with the right tools and self-reflection. I think it's a great step that you reached out to your therapist.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Jun 2, 2016 12:40:22 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Right now focus on what you need to do for YOU right now...worry about unpacking how you got here after you've gotten through this crisis.

Yes! I was going to say that it's understandable that you're going to wallow a bit. Give yourself a bit of time to do that....then get busy. You can work through that with your therapist later, but for now you need to concentrate on what you need to do for yourself to get you into a good place. 

[stephreloaded]

You need time to process your feelings and it is completely normal. You thought you had a future with him and things are not turning out the way you wanted them to. Just breath and think in the future not in what has happened. You will eventually need to analyze the situation and understand why you did the things you did but probably it's best for you to focus in what's ahead.

He is being dismissive of your feelings. You are telling him things that legitimately make you worry and instead of showing that he cares about you, he is pretty much putting the blame on you. In addition to all the other stuff you mentioned, you need to evaluate whether this is the partner you want/

[abcdefu]

I just want to ditto what everyone else said!

With regard to not having money and just moving in together, do not use this as a reason to stay. I don't know what state you are in, but you could move out and tell him he needs to find a roommate to pay your portion; or you could even find a roommate for him.

Breaking a lease on an apartment is not a good enough reason to stay in a unhealthy environment. Your health, safety, and well being come first. It seems that he is asking you to accept a lot of baggage, yet because you have mixed feelings on the situation, he's pissed off. This is what happens to manipulators when the other person doesn't want to play the game by his rules anymore.

I'm sorry you are in this position, but you have every right to express your feelings openly. He's all " Hey! I just found out today that I have a baby. Btw, what's for dinner?" and you are all "I want to talk about how I feel about this." and he's like, "Eff your feelings; This is why you'll never be happy!" Cue stomping off like a child!

Trust me, you will feel so much better when you lose this man-child and man-child's child.
((Hugs))