Need friend advice

[cgpm]

And I'm not ready to put things like this on MMM.  Lol.

I have a group of friends I met on TK.  There are 6 of us and we aim to meet up monthly.  We've been friends for going on 7 years now and it's been fun to watch people have kids, buy houses, change jobs etc.  In the beginning I was particularly close with one of the girls, lets call her P.

P was the first to have a baby.  I visited, made her family dinner, etc.  We used to hang out with husbands because our DHs got along.  Ever since she had her kid, she's been super busy.  I get that and as a group we've always tried to plan around everyone's schedules to include as many people as we can.  But I feel like she's always the first to back out.

I've lived in my new house for a year now and she's never been (I've hosted 3 gtgs and had at least 2 parties she's been invited to).  I have yet to see her new house because I haven't been invited.  My son is now 5 months old and she still hasn't met him.  I'm particularly hurt that she had a 30th bday party and I wasn't invited (but another girl  in our group was and posted pics on FB, which is how I know about it).  I also haven't been invited to her daughter's bday parties, which would be totally fine, except she didn't invite me last year because she only invited the girls from the group who had kids, which really stung.  That came on the heels of me struggling with IF and her not offering any support because "she didn't know what to say because she hadn't been through it."

I've found out a lot of this second hand and I'm obviously not "over it" even though I feel like I need to let it go and move on at this point.  I guess I'm missing what we used to have and sad that things have changed.  I've tried to reach out and plan a gtg but she's never available.  I sincerely hope I haven't done anything to offend her or make her not want to hang out with me.  Would it be ill advised to send her an email asking something to that affect?  Do I just need to suck it up and let it go?  FWIW, we still have monthly gtg that she still occasionally attends.  

I need sage advice from you ladies.   TIA!  And I'm tagging to force you to come read my post.  Lol.  drloretta RockNVoll noodleoo scm1011 5kcandlesinthewind bostonmichelle

[scm1011]

Jun 6, 2016 10:58:00 GMT -5 cgpm said:

I sincerely hope I haven't done anything to offend her or make her not want to hang out with me.  Would it be ill advised to send her an email asking something to that affect?  Do I just need to suck it up and let it go?  

Yes, nothing good will come of sending an email.

I know it sucks, and leaves things feeling unresolved, but I think you need to let it go. It sounds like the friendship is not a priority for her anymore, and as much as it blows you need to accept that and focus on friends who DO reciprocate. Big hugs, C.  

[drloretta]

I would let it go.

I was part of 2 spinoff groups from TK and TB. One imploded online after a fight between 2 members. One died after a majority of them moved to FB. It stinks, but it's just what happens. She obviously has a mindset that isn't that compatible with yours, at least not any more. Best to wallow in the loss for a bit, then make new friends who work better with where you are now.

[5kcandlesinthewind]

I agree with scm1011 - don't send an email.
I feel like it's much easier to get out of sync with friends the older I get - everyone is so busy, and time is in short supply, so it sort of becomes necessary to focus on people you really connect with and keep the rest in the casual acquaintance bucket. It sounds like you two have grown apart for whatever reason - possibly intangible, really. It's always difficult to realize you aren't as close to someone as you thought you were, but I would let it go and just catch up with her at group get-togethers.Who knows, 5 or 10 years from now you may cycle back to each other. But for now, it seems like your best bet is to put your energy into maintaining the friendships that offer you something in return.
I'm sorry- I'be been there, and it definitely sucks.

[scm1011]

Jun 6, 2016 11:21:01 GMT -5 5kcandlesinthewind said:

I feel like it's much easier to get out of sync with friends the older I get - everyone is so busy, and time is in short supply, so it sort of becomes necessary to focus on people you really connect with and keep the rest in the casual acquaintance bucket.

This has been so true in my life, and 99% of the time its nothing personal that put a once close friend in the casual acquaintance bucket, just the natural evolution of things. I'm sorry you're hurting

[cgpm]

I pretty much knew this is what you were all going to say. And you did it so nicely!

I think one of my biggest downfalls is struggling when I don't feel included because I take it too personally. I believe I get this trait from my mother. Thanks mom. Lol.

And FWIW, I miss getting together with you guys!

[bostonmichelle]

I'm sorry you're being left out. I think I would let this friendship go to a casual acquaintance. These things happen and you connect with various people over time and relationships evolve. I would move on as best you can and just remember she was a good friend at the beginning and who knows what will happen in the years down the road.

[drloretta]

Jun 6, 2016 11:41:34 GMT -5 cgpm said:

I think one of my biggest downfalls is struggling when I don't feel included because I take it too personally.

I hear ya. I'm part of a great MOMS club, but I've always been a peripheral member and some of the moms are really tight. I feel twinges of jealousy when I see them go on trips and other outings together. But I'm not sure I want to spend that much time with them anyway, LOL

[noodleoo]

cgpm , I'm late to the party and everyone else has it covered. So I'll just add that I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts to feel excluded. Which is why it is best to just move on. The email will probably just make it worse and hurt you more.

It is tough, but you guys are in very different places. Most of my friends had kids 5-7 years before me. I'm sad because they obviously have a lot more in common with each other than with me. Even after I had a baby, now I can get advice from them but they are talking about elementary school and other big kid stuff and it just isn't the same.

Have you made any local new mom friends with babies closer to yours? I've met a few and while it has been super hard and awkward to make new friends, it is really good. And it gets a lot easier once they are older. When they are a few months old, the difference between 3 and 6 months is a lot. But at 12 months it isn't and it is way easier to strike up conversations. I've managed to make 1 really good new mom friend and that has been awesome (and makes up for all the awkward first play dates I've been on! Well, almost...)

Good luck and definitely don't take it personally. I'm sad to say I've sort of lost contact with an old coworker and I feel bad about it. But she moved away and we have nothing in common anymore so it just isn't easy to stay friends. We still email and chat occasionally, but she's definitely reached out more than I have. But I could never tell her that in an email, it is just too hard.