Stepmoms- tell me about bringing home a baby

[Bernadine]

DSS is 8. I have a feeling h is going to have a hard time adjusting to splitting his attention between two kids. How did it go for you all?

[ProfessorArtNerd]

I am not a stepmom, but I did just bring a new baby home to a seven year old.

It's tough. In a way that's way different than most "bringing home a new baby" essays usually deal with. There's no way to know how it'll affect DSS, but it will. He will be fine, and so will you. It's not going to be picture perfect all the time, buuuuut he also won't (likely) bite or hit the baby, so there that

[Bernadine]

Jun 6, 2016 11:35:38 GMT -5 ProfessorArtNerd said:

I am not a stepmom, but I did just bring a new baby home to a seven year old.

It's tough. In a way that's way different than most "bringing home a new baby" essays usually deal with. There's no way to know how it'll affect DSS, but it will. He will be fine, and so will you. It's not going to be picture perfect all the time, buuuuut he also won't (likely) bite or hit the baby, so there that

He does have a little sister from his mom, so there's at least that. But I'm imagining a lot of jealousy, because our baby will have so much more time with h than dss will.

[themysteriouswife]

POA and I had very similar experiences. Allie was 7 when Myles was born. It was a hard adjustment for all of us. Allie went from being everyone's center of attention to the back burner for the first few weeks. We tried to keep her part of the situation and make her a list of items to help with. She still struggles with not being the only child. Expect behavioral changes. She got more sassy and talks back a little more. Once routine is established it does get easier:

How old is SS? What is the visitation schedule?

[prettyinpearls]

How often is your SS with you?

My oldest was almost 6 when his twin sisters were born to his dad (XH), but DS had already been a big brother to my youngest for a year so he was somewhat used to the change in family dynamics. In the beginning, he said his dad would take him to do things 1-on-1 during their weekends together, and I think that helped. He sees his dad every other weekend.

However, now that it's been over a year, I think he's missing a bond with his sisters. He never talks about them at our house unless I specifically ask DS how they're doing, and his K teacher didn't even know he HAD twin sisters until I brought it up (and this was in March of the school year!)

[Bernadine]

prettyinpearls, themysteriouswife,

He's 8 yo, and we have him every other weekend.

[Bernadine]

Jun 6, 2016 11:48:05 GMT -5 prettyinpearls said:

How often is your SS with you?

My oldest was almost 6 when his twin sisters were born to his dad (XH), but DS had already been a big brother to my youngest for a year so he was somewhat used to the change in family dynamics. In the beginning, he said his dad would take him to do things 1-on-1 during their weekends together, and I think that helped. He sees his dad every other weekend.

However, now that it's been over a year, I think he's missing a bond with his sisters. He never talks about them at our house unless I specifically ask DS how they're doing, and his K teacher didn't even know he HAD twin sisters until I brought it up (and this was in March of the school year!)

I do think it's important for h to do this.

That makes me sad about the bond. I wonder why that is- just that he doesn't see them often?

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Jun 6, 2016 11:42:44 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Jun 6, 2016 11:35:38 GMT -5 ProfessorArtNerd said:

I am not a stepmom, but I did just bring a new baby home to a seven year old.

It's tough. In a way that's way different than most "bringing home a new baby" essays usually deal with. There's no way to know how it'll affect DSS, but it will. He will be fine, and so will you. It's not going to be picture perfect all the time, buuuuut he also won't (likely) bite or hit the baby, so there that

He does have a little sister from his mom, so there's at least that. But I'm imagining a lot of jealousy, because our baby will have so much more time with h than dss will.

I get this, too, in a way, because H is home all day with just David while Lucy's at school. He has to focus on spending time with DSS one-on-one and including him with the baby, too. It'll be good!

[ladystardust]

Can't speak to the stepmom dynamic but I was just shy of 8 when my sister was born. I had 2 older siblings but was no longer the baby. I assume the adjustment was pretty big but I don't remember any negative feelings and today she is my best friend. Hugs. There is hope he will be like me and just remember the event, not the emotions of the time.

[cajunmom]

DSS was almost 6 when DD1 was born. As far as we could tell, he did really well with it. He split time about 50/50 between us and his mom.

Now DSS is 18 and DD1 is 13.5 and they are super close. They're two peas in a pod.

[auntie]

My BIL had a son who was almost 6 when my oldest niece was born.

He adjusted pretty well. I think his mom struggled a bit worrying that he'd be over-looked. BIL spent 1:1 time with him through the week plus "family time" on weekends. My older niece and he are pretty tight even as adults. I think one thing that helped him was his really close relationship with his mom's parents. They still believe the sun shines out his butt which is great.

Ironically, he's not that into his younger sister with mom; she was born when he was about 15 and he was kind of treated like the built-in babysitter. He doesn't get on with his dad now, and had nothing to do with his youngest brother from his dad. He was in his early 30's when they came along.

[formerlyak]

Can't speak as a step mom, but can speak as someone who was a single mom for a time before remarrying and then having a baby with ds' step dad when he was almost 8.

It was HARD. I have custody of DS about 75% of the time, so he was used to all mommy all the time. He always asked for a sibling, but I explained that unless I got married again, that may not happen. He was very excited about the idea of being a big brother when we told him I was pregnant. But once the baby came, and he saw that it meant sharing mommy, it was a tough few months. I found that if I played board games with him while I fed the baby or read with him while I fed the baby, that helped. I would also plan one on one stuff with him between feedings. This will be easier for your DH because he won't be breastfeeding a baby. I would be sure to encourage them to do stuff together. It also helped when I found ways to let my older ds help with the baby. But only if I asked. He didn't like being told to help with the baby, and at 8 it's not like he could change a diaper or put the baby to bed. So I'd ask him to help with things like watch the baby in his room while I took a shower. He liked getting to push the stroller. It made him feel like a big kid.

My younger ds is 2 now and older is 10. They are at an age now where the older one likes to play with him, because the younger one can actually do things now. And on the weekends the older one is with me, we always do things as a family and then Dh takes the younger one so the older one and I can still have some one on one time. There don't seem to be issues anymore.

[luvvy]

SS was 17 when G was born and he didn't live with us. Honestly, he didn't really bond with G until he started to have a bit of a personality, but he still love him, if that makes sense. H and I both made sure to emphasize how much we love SS and that he and G are BROTHERS. H made sure to spend one on one time with SS when he was here to visit and sent him regular updates about G too so I think including him in G's life despite him living with his mom was essential.

[formerlyak]

I should also say that for some reason one of the things ds hated was when I'd feed the baby on the couch and it was dinner time and I wasn't at "family dinner". I learned how to feed the baby while I sat at the kitchen chairs so we could all eat dinner together. I can't say that no food was ever dropped on the baby's head, but ... a little chicken in the hair never hurt him

I will also say, one of the things I found stressful and overwhelming when my older one was a baby was never being able to sit down and eat with my ex. DS always wanted to nurse when dinner was ready so ex would eat and I'd sit on the couch and feed ds and then reheat my meal when ds was done eating. I wish I would have tried nursing at the table while I ate when my older one was little. I has a bit of PPD and it did make me feel more "human" to eat at the table with my family.

[NinaSimone]

My SDs were 9 & 14 when DD was born. They were excited and old enough to help out with the baby and didn't seem to have any trouble adjusting. I honestly think it was H who hard the toughest time, he didn't really see how he could split his time 3 ways. He figured out how to spend one on one time with each of them which was a little easier because they're at such different stages. It took him a few months to get a good handle on making sure no one felt left out.

Now we've added DS to the mix and H is now trying not to show favoritism to his boy.

[formerlyak]

Sorry, one more thing! At 8, the other kids in my older ds' class LOVED babies. So bringing the baby with me when I'd drop off ds at school or pick him up, made older ds feel like a rock star! Everyone wanted to know about his baby brother. They wanted to see the baby and talk to the baby and asked older ds a ton of questions. So even though it made me nervous to have all those older kids and their germs around the baby, it was actually fine (no extra sickness or anything - and the baby was exposed to everything the older ds brought home from school anyway) and older ds felt so cool to have a baby brother. It was like show and tell every single day. And now when the younger one comes with me to anything that is more for ds - school event, block party at a friend's block, Cub Scouts - all older ds' friends know the baby and take care of him and try to include him. It is really very sweet and older ds loves it.

[Bernadine]

Jun 6, 2016 12:53:49 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Sorry, one more thing! At 8, the other kids in my older ds' class LOVED babies. So bringing the baby with me when I'd drop off ds at school or pick him up, made older ds feel like a rock star! Everyone wanted to know about his baby brother. They wanted to see the baby and talk to the baby and asked older ds a ton of questions. So even though it made me nervous to have all those older kids and their germs around the baby, it was actually fine (no extra sickness or anything - and the baby was exposed to everything the older ds brought home from school anyway) and older ds felt so cool to have a baby brother. It was like show and tell every single day. And now when the younger one comes with me to anything that is more for ds - school event, block party at a friend's block, Cub Scouts - all older ds' friends know the baby and take care of him and try to include him. It is really very sweet and older ds loves it.

H could take her to pick up dss from school.  We'll have her at all of his sports stuff, too.

[kath16]

Pray? I have no idea and we just did this. It's not really working right now honestly. SD is 11 and our son is 6 months and many times I feel like he has his kid and I have mine. So uh, don't do that no guess? Do stuff all together as a family while also making sure there is 1 on 1 time for everyone.

[Bernadine]

Jun 6, 2016 13:00:52 GMT -5 kath16 said:

Pray? I have no idea and we just did this. It's not really working right now honestly. SD is 11 and our son is 6 months and many times I feel like he has his kid and I have mine. So uh, don't do that no guess? Do stuff all together as a family while also making sure there is 1 on 1 time for everyone.

I am worried about this. 6 months still isn't much time- I'm sure you'll figure it out, and we will too.

[CurlyQ284]

My SDs were 10 and 11. SD1 acted out the summer I was pregnant but he was born and when they came for thanksgiving she had come around on her own. Both girls adore him. DH focuses on them when they're here since it's only every other weekend, we do stuff as a family but he will take them to the movies after DS is asleep or things like that.

They really enjoy DS so we lucked out. They get upset when he favors one over the other and compete to be his favorite. They're really great with him.

[CurlyQ284]

kath16 hang in there. When DS was tiny it was kind of like that with us too. It's hard to make everything gel when one kid has to nap a lot and eat all the time. As DS has gotten older it's been easier to do things as a family.

[themysteriouswife]

Another vote for making sure there is one on one time with H and SS. You will find a balance. It takes time and work.

As a PP said the other kids love the baby and make Allie feel like she is big stuff. What about going to build a bear and letting him build her a bear before she gets here? Do boys do BaB?

At the hospital we had H carry Allie for ice cream and have lunch with her. We made sure H spent time with her there too. She still talks about her time with daddy.

[prettyinpearls]

Jun 6, 2016 11:51:29 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Jun 6, 2016 11:48:05 GMT -5 prettyinpearls said:

How often is your SS with you?

My oldest was almost 6 when his twin sisters were born to his dad (XH), but DS had already been a big brother to my youngest for a year so he was somewhat used to the change in family dynamics. In the beginning, he said his dad would take him to do things 1-on-1 during their weekends together, and I think that helped. He sees his dad every other weekend.

However, now that it's been over a year, I think he's missing a bond with his sisters. He never talks about them at our house unless I specifically ask DS how they're doing, and his K teacher didn't even know he HAD twin sisters until I brought it up (and this was in March of the school year!)

I do think it's important for h to do this.

That makes me sad about the bond. I wonder why that is- just that he doesn't see them often?

It could be. I really have no idea, to be honest.  On the ride home on Sundays, we always chat about his weekend at his dad's house and I try to make a point to ask questions about his sisters. He usually gives me 1 word answers or just says 'I dunno'. I mean, he's only 6 so I don't expect him to go into great detail, but I do feel like there's a bond missing, especially given how he never brings them up in conversation on his own.  Is to because he only sees them 2x/month? Maybe it's the age difference? Maybe it's because they're sisters and not a brothers? I have no idea.

[formerlyak]

Jun 6, 2016 13:02:13 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Jun 6, 2016 13:00:52 GMT -5 kath16 said:

Pray? I have no idea and we just did this. It's not really working right now honestly. SD is 11 and our son is 6 months and many times I feel like he has his kid and I have mine. So uh, don't do that no guess? Do stuff all together as a family while also making sure there is 1 on 1 time for everyone.

I am worried about this. 6 months still isn't much time- I'm sure you'll figure it out, and we will too.

There are definitely times when we have to split up to get things done and it's easy to default to me taking older ds (since he's "mine") and dh taking the younger one. We have really made an effort to find times for ds to take older ds to do things so it doesn't end up like this in reality.

[frkls]

Dsd was 10 when Jonah was born. It was rough for a while. She would say everything was fine, then she'd complain to MIL that dh was way more into the new baby than her.
It was hard, but definitely temporary. Once the baby is able to DO stuff, it gets easier. Do lots of stuff as a family, lots of boy time with daddy and love on chase big-time. He will eat his sister up!!!

Proof that they warned up lol

[frkls]

why does tapatalk make everytrhing so freaking huge!?