Guise, Halp

[Deleted]

My mom kept trying to get me on the phone for the past week. She's a wee bit toxic so I keep her at arm's length (plus asks for money quite a bit). So she texts me she's been dating this guy from her church that's a widower (his wife passed about a year ago) for two months. They have talked about getting married. Two months. eeek. She's an adult. She's in her early 60s. I keep trying say in my mind "MYOB" but then my sister texts me this morning saying she doesn't think this is healthy and our mom is just tired of being alone. Gah. I told her our mom is an adult and can make her own choices. 

FWIW, I live East Coast and my mom is Midwest. So I don't see the situation but my sister lives a few hours away and visits a few times a month. Obviously I am not going to say anything. I just don't understand why she wants to get married for a third time so fast. She was married to my dad for 27/28 yrs and got divorced 4 years ago and separated for 2-3 years before that. I keep thinking she's doing this for the money because he's a doctor and she's poor. 

Help me come to terms with this. I will not say anything to my mom. I just need to let it go and freak out and spaz a bit.

[doriswe]

I regularly repeat "not my circus, not my monkeys." She's an adult and has the right to make bad decisions. If it doesn't effect you directly, let it go.

[stephreloaded]

I agree with with Doris here. This is not your circus. I would however, tell her what you think and give her advice. I would do it once so she knows where you stand and maybe that will spark her to think about what your saying. After that, I would just keep my mouth shut.

I tend to think that when people get older, they tend not to wait as much for things and to care way less about what other people think.

[glitzyglow]

I don't think I'd mention to her that you feel like she's doing this for money. I might ask her what she loves about him, what makes her want to marry him, etc., in more of an inquiring way than an accusatory way to get a better feel on the situation.

[Deleted]

She keeps trying to engage me in convo about this. I just keep ignoring her texts. Like I stopped responding last night and now she's picked back up this am telling me about their dates and junk. No, mom, no.

I don't think anything I say to her about moving too fast will help. The only thing I want to kinda ask her is why she wants to get married so soon after just last October she was crying over my dead dad (who died after they divorced) and saying she feels like a widow and will never get married again to all of the sudden wanting to get married.

But yea I basically told my sister to mind her own business. Because I know that's what I should do. It's just hard to follow your own advice sometimes.

[Linie]

Have you met him? Does he seems nice, kind, stable, etc... I think I would "try" to say something if I feel that it is not a good person/match

[Deleted]

Jun 16, 2016 11:44:48 GMT -5 Linie said:

Have you met him? Does he seems nice, kind, stable, etc... I think I would "try" to say something if I feel that it is not a good person/match

I live far away. He's from my mom's church so they've known each other for over year and she was friendly with his wife. I met him pre-dating when I saw her this past fall. I shook his hand in church in passing. He's a nice looking man but seemed super somber and reserved, if that makes sense? I haven't seen my mom since September.


She first mentioned him a few days ago saying "I'm dating someone new and we are very serious. Call me for more details"

So I initially assumed they had been dating awhile but apparently not. 

[stephreloaded]

Jun 16, 2016 11:14:02 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

She keeps trying to engage me in convo about this. I just keep ignoring her texts. Like I stopped responding last night and now she's picked back up this am telling me about their dates and junk. No, mom, no.

I don't think anything I say to her about moving too fast will help. The only thing I want to kinda ask her is why she wants to get married so soon after just last October she was crying over my dead dad (who died after they divorced) and saying she feels like a widow and will never get married again to all of the sudden wanting to get married.

But yea I basically told my sister to mind her own business. Because I know that's what I should do. It's just hard to follow your own advice sometimes.

You know what? I don't think this is out of the ordinary. I also don't think is fair to bring this up at all. Death is hard and even if she wasn't with him at the time, she shared her life with him for a very long time. She must feel lonely and I am not saying that jumping into a marriage is the right thing to do but I would cut her some slack. Now if she is toxic, that is a completely different story. 

[Deleted]

Jun 16, 2016 11:57:28 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

Jun 16, 2016 11:14:02 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

She keeps trying to engage me in convo about this. I just keep ignoring her texts. Like I stopped responding last night and now she's picked back up this am telling me about their dates and junk. No, mom, no.

I don't think anything I say to her about moving too fast will help. The only thing I want to kinda ask her is why she wants to get married so soon after just last October she was crying over my dead dad (who died after they divorced) and saying she feels like a widow and will never get married again to all of the sudden wanting to get married.

But yea I basically told my sister to mind her own business. Because I know that's what I should do. It's just hard to follow your own advice sometimes.

You know what? I don't think this is out of the ordinary. I also don't think is fair to bring this up at all. Death is hard and even if she wasn't with him at the time, she shared her life with him for a very long time. She must feel lonely and I am not saying that jumping into a marriage is the right thing to do but I would cut her some slack. Now if she is toxic, that is a completely different story. 

Well, they had been separated for a few years when he died and she had a boyfriend for over a year when he passed. And he's been dead almost four years now. I guess we all process things differently. But she was upset no one sent her cards/flowers/etc when he died. And she wasn't mentioned in the obit because I didn't pay for one and the funeral home just asked who his kids were (which I also left his ex-step kids out) and if he had a spouse.