Intro and thinking about SO

[prettypiggy]

My husband and I have married for 7 years and have a beautiful 1 year old. Over the years we have struggled and I have sought therapy. Honestly I am Christian and don't believe in divorce but don't know why I have stayed with him when he clearly doesn't respect me or honor our union.  He has called me names and will yell and scream. We have worked on our communication thru therapy but he has gotten mad and refused to go. Recently he threatened to hit me when I tried to get away from him . He also drinks heavily and refuses to go to a consultation for ocd as recommended by our therapist. I feel like I really have no choice in the matter. I know he will not change unless he stands to lose his family. I think we definitely need to separate. That said he is probably clueless and I have no idea how to approach that I want to leave. Anytime I bring up any concerns he thinks I'm being a bitch or resentful.

I know he will not leave the house because that would be humiliating for him. I have never had an apartment on my own. Everything is in both our names financially but I am currently a sahm. I have no close friends or family in this area. What is my first step and how do I protect myself? Can he cut me off financial? I know not legally but he is very controlling and I am concerned he will make things as difficult as possible on me.  

[thedutchgirl]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your best course of action is to meet with a lawyer who can give you an overview of how the law works in your state.

[dancelnow]

Even if you aren't ready to go through with a divorce, you should get a consult with a lawyer and find out the laws related to separation. Some states allow for spousal maintenance during a separation.

[glitzyglow]

Consulting a lawyer would be the best first step. Your state may have guidelines that he has to provide spousal support or other options that might help benefit you throughout the proceedings.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is difficult, but you do deserve peace and happiness.

[sharknado]

Do you feel safe?

[glynn]

Could you go stay with family for a little while to figure stuff out? I planned a lot before leaving my first XH, I mean a year or so to be able to do it with the kids. I also worked so that helped.

[statlerwaldorf]

I would consult with a lawyer. I would also consult with a domestic violence advocate to come up with a safe escape plan. Even if he hasn't been physically abusive, I am worried for your safety and the safety of your child. Many dv agencies also offer free legal advice.

My exh was abusive. I was a sahm when we separated. He completely cut me off financially. I filed a RO and they were able to set temporary custody orders and applied for child support. I did not start receiving temporary child support for 8 months and it was pushed forward by my divorce. It would've been longer if I was still waiting for the csea.

The temporary custody orders were very important because my exh tried to file an emergency ex parte to try to get primary custody after he was served for child support. He had supervised visitation, so the judge threw out his motion. He also tried to go after me for child support. It is common for abusers to go after primary custody.

To this day, he has not paid anything the court has ordered him except for the child support that is automatically taken out of his check. I am having to file contempt charges.

I am not telling you this to scare you. Leaving my exh was the best thing I've done and my children's lives are so much better now. I just want you to prepare yourself and protect yourself. I wish I would've consulted a lawyer sooner.

[heywhat]

First, I am sorry.

I'd like you to read these web pages in a private browser and really think about it:
www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/am-i-being-abused/
abuseintervention.org/sandbox77/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Power-and-Control-Wheel.pdf
liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

I know you said you don't have family in town, but could you go away on a visit? During the visit you could really think about your plans. Like glynn I planned for a long time (~4 months) before actually leaving. This isn't the most comprehensive list, but it might give you an idea of what to think about: roogirl.com/13-tips-on-how-to-get-out-of-an-abusive-relationship/
If you truly don't feel safe, consider calling a hotline for assistance.

You said that you SAH... have you considered getting a job? That would be a big step towards gaining independence and feeling confident in leaving the relationship.

[prettypiggy]

Thanks for your support and help ladies. I am meeting with a lawyer today and my SO is on business out of state and has no idea. I have a professional degree and have contacted my old boss for a reference. I have reapplied to my old company. I plan to move out quietly and hope my lawyer can help me with this. I have been advised by the friend that I have told to not tell my spouse I am leaving and I am not sure how that will be possible. We have assets but everything is joint. I need to look into a new credit card perhaps.

He agree to get help while he was drunk one day but honestly this isn't not even taking responsibility for his behavior. I did not ask him to elaborate or talk to him in detail because I knew this would cause a fight. I cannot expect him or force him to change and honestly need to accept that. It is very hard to let go of the family I wanted. I wake up and i can't believe this is my life and feel like I have no future.

Oh I spoke to his parents about his drinking and they have yet to talk with him about it. They didn't even know he drank 1 drink. We are going on two weeks now. One of their main concerns were his job finding out. I hope he gets help for our son regardless of what happens to us and will continue to pray for that and acceptance.

I honestly don't feel scared but this is my home. Sometimes a part of me wishes he would just get physical and I could call the police and have concrete proof/get him out of the house. I think in the moment I might be scared sometimes but I am so used to it that I am not thinking clearly about it and have adjusted my reality.

[glynn]

I would start trying to get records together of your finances before you tell him also. Honestly I would ask the lawyer if you could take some money out of savings if you have any. i would think about how to fairly start splitting things up. Maybe put the house on the market just telling him you wanted the family to move or something. The house was the biggest thing with ours. It is a lot and a income for you will be a huge step.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  He obviously has an issue with alcohol abuse.  Nothing is going to improve unless HE chooses to change on his own.  It's unlikely that he will change his ways, especially the verbal abuse.  You deserve to be happy and you and your little one deserve a peaceful and happy environment.  
You've made some great steps by contacting a lawyer and applying to your old company.   Ask the lawyer if it's advisable to take half of the money in the bank and open a new account alone.  Some people don't tell their spouse until the last minute for safety reasons--only you know what's best with your H.  
You're doing the right thing by planning to get out.  Stay strong.