The logistics of moving forward.

[themoneytree]

I would prefer to keep our divorce process as amicable as possible for the sake of our daughter.

I don't know for sure if this will be possible as he is having understandable but annoying freak outs over the money aspect of things. I'm trying not to antagonize him, but I really need to know where I'm going to stand financially. Not knowing is terrifying for me, and knowing is terrifying for him.

We were hoping to do a mediated divorce not that I even fully understand what that means.

I am now hearing about collaborative divorce where each side has an attorney but they work together (?) to keep things out of court.

An initial consultation is $250. I guess I should do that at least because I really have no idea what I'm entitled to or what to expect.

I did the PA child support calculator and H kind of freaked out that I did it, and about how much it said he would owe. For my part I have no idea if it's even accurate and if he is therefore freaked out for no reason. I want to know where I stand so we're not both so completely clueless.

I REALLY don't want to make this a huge battle and end up in court and I think (?) we can avoid that if we approach it carefully.

Has anyone done mediated divorce?
How about collaborative?

Could you share your experience and approximate cost? Is one more expensive than the other?

We have a home, assets and one child together. I'm a SAHM.

We seem to be in agreement on custody and maybe even division of assets. It's the support that's going to be really tricky.

[nextbigthing]

I'm sure you know this, but you really need to get a lawyer. They will walk you through every step of the process and make sure you get what you're owed out of the deal depending on state laws, etc.

I'm in a similar boat, I just filed for divorce on Friday. The lawyer told me most cases don't end up in court and can be resolved with mediation. Lots of lawyers do a free consultation, but remember you get what you pay for. I did a free consultation with one, then ended up hiring another that charged $100 for the consultation.

Also, you may want to not talk too too much with your H about this stuff, just in case.

[themoneytree]

So you have a specific attorney even with mediation?
I need to schedule a consult asap as I clearly have no clue what I'm doing.
I just don't want him I think I'm trying to get something over on him and have him dig his heels in and make it a nightmare.

[Deleted]

When my X and I (no kids) made the decision, we sat down together and did a free-form settlement agreement. It went surprisingly well as neither of us wanted to pay for an attorney or go to court. We eventually hired one just to legalize our settlement agreement and deal with the court paperwork.

Maybe an alternative for you would be to talk to a financial advisor to get a sense of what you need going forward first, and then see if you can come up with a settlement agreement without attorneys? I know it's hard to think of everything, especially when a child is involved, but I think a financial advisor is more suited for that than an attorney. Just my opinion.

[LoveBug]

I did mediation with my X and I had a one year old DD and was also a SAHM at the time. It was tricky since we lived in different states but he was willing to use a mediator close to where I lived. I thought the company we used was kinda lame, but in the end I know we saved so much money. We were able to agree on everything, but of course we had some pain points along the way.

I did pay a divorce attorney for two hours (he did not require a retainer since he was a friend of a friend) to review my final separation agreement and help me with a few items. It made me feel comfortable signing the final paperwork.

[jenstar]

As far as I know, CS is usually calculated using a formula of some kind (which I'm sure varies from place to place) so if you are in agreement on custody arrangements there doesn't seem much point in him freaking out about what support he'll have to pay. It will be calculated as per your state and I don't know that there's much he can do about that? Raising kids costs money, and unless you share custody 50/50 one person has the advantage of have more kid-free time to generate an income etc.

I hated this process as I was scared of the same thing, him feeling like he was being taken advantage of etc. But at the end of the day I had to grow a backbone and ask for what I deserved, both for me and DS, and I'm glad I did. I'm sure he tells people that I took everything blah blah blah but when I discovered that his personal business assets (which I didn't touch) were worth more than our combined assets there was no way it made sense to do what he wanted. I guess we did a collaborative divorce, since there was no intention on either side of going to court, but we did have to negotiate a little, however we mostly did that ourselves and then directed our lawyers.

I would suggest to your H that he gets some legal advice just so he knows where he stands so he can stop freaking out. I would also stop talking to him about it until you have consulted a lawyer and know more. And really, just let him freak out if that's what he wants, it's not really your problem. Divorce is expensive, fact of life.

GL I hope you can get it sorted.

[glynn]

Jun 20, 2016 17:14:28 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

So you have a specific attorney even with mediation?
I need to schedule a consult asap as I clearly have no clue what I'm doing.
I just don't want him I think I'm trying to get something over on him and have him dig his heels in and make it a nightmare.

We both had lawyers but worked the agreement our ourselves(April 2016). My state requires that we go to mediation which was most of a day that go nothing got accomplished since we were not really ready to agree (Oct 2015) at that point (house needed to sell). XH had no idea what he was getting into and I started trying to figure it out as soon as I figured out he was cheating (May 2015). I told him we would go to court and bring up his 2 affairs or he could come around to me way of think which was more than fair(March 2016). He would not sign until we spent half the day in court(April 2016) but he did not want everyone to know what he had done so he finally signed.

Above all you need to protect yourself and your child.

[itsmyparty]

I got a good attorney - because I was told by many people that the "cheap" attorneys often end up costing you more in the end because they'll nickel and dime you - because I had a feeling that although we could keep things pretty civil, my husband would be difficult about some things just due to his personality quirks. With her I worked up the filing papers, which I served him myself. Husband got his attorney a week or so later, meanwhile my attorney had me fill out some worksheets with stuff like assets & debts info. Once I had that to her, and we had all of the records we needed to verify figures, her office prepared a draft settlement offer (which I reviewed with her) for my husband's consideration. Fast forward several months of back and forth between my husband and I regarding some things in the agreement we were still hashing out (mostly house related), we finally came to agreement, signed it, then it was submitted to the court for the judge's signature. Voila!

In my state, cases are typically assigned a court date, but very few actually get that far. Usually because of the cost of trial! Instead, most couples work out an agreement between them either with attorneys or without (collaborative), or if that doesn't work, mediation utilizing attorneys and a specializing mediator (again, more money, so this is a step up if you can't work out an agreement yourselves...although I think in my state mediation was required if you have kids).

I will say this: if a couple has little in the way of assets and debts to divide, no real estate, no kids, and they think they can truly sever everything amicably, I don't blame them for going the DIY route. However, my husband and I had some of that stuff, though no kids, managed to cope well enough to live in the house together for six months after filing, and I still can't imagine not having my kick ass attorney to guide me through it. I know divorce is expensive - believe me, I KNOW - but it was so worth it to me to have it done right, and at least I feel like I got the best resolution possible and didn't get screwed.

[itsmyparty]

Also, a little advice my attorney gave me at my consultation: You need to start thinking of and acting for yourself first, and stop worrying about what your husband will feel. Start preparing yourself for divorce, and act accordingly. Keep things close to the vest.

[dragon's breath]

"Not knowing is terrifying for me, and knowing is terrifying for him."

So do your own research, and don't talk to him or share the information you find out.  Seriously.  If he prefers to be blindsided when the stuff becomes final, let him.

When I got divorced (in 2001) I got a lawyer to make sure the paperwork was done correctly.  I was ready to sign over the house, two of the three cars, we'd each keep our retirement (wasn't much), and I'd have full custody with him having every other weekend.  Lawyer drew it up but told me I was being "too nice" and because I was in school full time working 30+ hours a week, he did not want me to stress out about having to find a place to live.  So, it was written that I could rent our house from the ex for two years for half of the mortgage payment (I would pay my own utilities)--the point was that it was supposed to allow me two years to save for a down payment on my own place after two years.  Ex was working out of town so not a big deal for him since he wouldn't be living there.

It cost $600 for the divorce.  I was billed as anyone would have been, but I did know and trust this lawyer, my dad had been friends with him and worked with him through law enforcement for many years.

There were a few issues... the child support calculator had a glitch and removed the fact that I was the one to cover health insurance premiums, and also set our childcare to $0 instead of the actual figure.  They caught it before it was official, just needed things fixed and the ex to re-sign the paperwork.  I just wanted it over with and knew I'd be going full-time in a year, so I just requested we leave it alone and finalize the divorce.  It wasn't the lawyer's fault, it was just the early days of the internet and online calculators.

Issue #2... the ex would not refinance the house into his name only, so mine was still on the mortgage (even though it was in the divorce decree that he was to put it in his name and refinance).  He also wouldn't pay the mortgage.  So, I had to pay it 100% myself or it would have ruined my credit.  Fortunately, after the two years I was supposed to rent were up, I told him he needed to refinance and reimburse me, or sign the house over to me (I did not take any principle the first time around, so he didn't either).  He didn't want the house, so he signed it over and I was able to refinance in my name only before selling it a few years later.

Because of that, I really recommend not having his name on anything to do with the new house.  Try to get the current one sold before the divorce is final, and then use that cash for a new place to live.  I was lucky in the end, but that part really could have screwed me over.

No matter what route you go, never use the lawyer as a therapist.  Have your questions ready, take notes, and don't spend your time talking about random stuff, complaining, venting, etc, because you will be billed all those minutes, and it won't be cheap.  

[cuddlyevil]

Jun 20, 2016 17:14:28 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

So you have a specific attorney even with mediation?
I need to schedule a consult asap as I clearly have no clue what I'm doing.
I just don't want him I think I'm trying to get something over on him and have him dig his heels in and make it a nightmare.

Yes. You cannot have a fair negotiation when the attorney represents both parties.

[glynn]

Also the house thing screwed me in my first divorce. He was suppose to refinance it in his name but could not get a loan. He then quit paying and filed bankrupcy several years later. The house was in another state than I was living so I could not take it over. 5 years after the divorce I got all kinds of papers wanting me to pay the differance in what the bank sold it for..... A big mess so I would not have anything in his name....

My last divorce took much longer because of the house also....

[itsmyparty]

Re: the house stuff, in my divorce agreement we stated he would refinance the house in his name only within 90 days of the divorce being finalized (he wanted to buy out my interest), and if that couldn't/wasn't done, we would sell the house immediately and split the proceeds. So, make sure you have a contingency plan in place in your decree should Plan A fail.