Did I screw up?

[nextbigthing]

H entered a 3 week outpatient alcohol and mental health treatment program on Monday. This was after I kicked him out two weeks ago after coming home to him drunk on vodka while caring for our 15 month old son.

Then, a week ago he went to an AA meeting then got drunk. I was 90% done before that and that pushed me over the edge. I filed for divorce on Friday.

He keeps texting me begging me not to do anything until he's better, he can't deal with the added stress. I want to tell him I filed I stupidly feel a little bad. How do I tell him? I'm a little afraid he will do something crazy.

What do I do?

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Addiction is really difficult especially on family members. You need to do the best for you and your son. You have a voice, but your son does not. If you're done, you're done. There is not point in dragging it out. You aren't responsible for his drinking and you aren't responsible for whatever he does when he gets served with the divorce papers. Do what is best for you! You may want to attend some alanon meetings.

((Hugs))

[doglove]

I think you have to start looking out for yourself. How long is the time frame between filing for divorce and the actual divorce? (It varies in states, mine was 12 months) If he has addiction problems, he's not going to fix them overnight. It's great he's taking the steps to get help, but it's okay if it's "too little too late" for you. Only you can know for sure about that though. It's okay to be unsure and take time to think about it rather than feeling like you either have to stay or be divorced. You can be separated and take a break to think about it all.

[doriswe]

Jun 21, 2016 7:17:40 GMT -5 doglove said:

I think you have to start looking out for yourself. How long is the time frame between filing for divorce and the actual divorce? (It varies in states, mine was 12 months) If he has addiction problems, he's not going to fix them overnight. It's great he's taking the steps to get help, but it's okay if it's "too little too late" for you. Only you can know for sure about that though. It's okay to be unsure and take time to think about it rather than feeling like you either have to stay or be divorced. You can be separated and take a break to think about it all.

I agree with this. And if you're concerned he'll harm himself, maybe call his family and the outpatient clinic to give them that info.

[nextbigthing]

Jun 21, 2016 7:17:40 GMT -5 doglove said:

I think you have to start looking out for yourself. How long is the time frame between filing for divorce and the actual divorce? (It varies in states, mine was 12 months) If he has addiction problems, he's not going to fix them overnight. It's great he's taking the steps to get help, but it's okay if it's "too little too late" for you. Only you can know for sure about that though. It's okay to be unsure and take time to think about it rather than feeling like you either have to stay or be divorced. You can be separated and take a break to think about it all.

It's 60 days to get divorced.

I don't want to feel bad for him, but a little bit of me does and I hate to pile on to what he's already going through with divorce papers. But then I think of what he did to me and my son and I get angry all over again. I definitely want to get divorced I'm just conflicted on how to tell him that I filed. I want to tell him I don't want him to just get served do I just send him a text and say I filed for divorce on Friday?

[doglove]

I think since he's your husband, I would make a phone call. Does his family know? I would also do as doriswe suggested. What I learned in my divorce process was that I couldn't think or consider his feelings anymore. He had disregarded mine for so long that I finally had to learn to put on the blinders towards him and that need to want to take care of him or feel bad for him and focus on myself and my well being.

[nextbigthing]

Jun 21, 2016 7:38:55 GMT -5 doglove said:

I think since he's your husband, I would make a phone call. Does his family know? I would also do as doriswe suggested. What I learned in my divorce process was that I couldn't think or consider his feelings anymore. He had disregarded mine for so long that I finally had to learn to put on the blinders towards him and that need to want to take care of him or feel bad for him and focus on myself and my well being.

I told him last week we were getting divorced.  I told him I was done.  

I know you're 100% right.  I think I feel bad because I've always handled the bills etc and he keeps saying he's lost.  I know I shouldn't feel bad.  He's a grown ass man and should be able to figure it out.  He also doesn't make much money and I don't know how he'll make it (although he should have thought of that and appreciated me more!).   I know this isn't my problem anymore and I know it's stupid to feel bad and I should worry about me and my son but it's so hard. 

I have to keep reminding myself of all the really stupid stuff he's done and how many times I've given him ultimatums, etc and he hasn't done anything about it.  I wouldn't be surprised if he lost his job through all of this (he's only been there a few months), but again, shouldn't be my problem.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I divorced an addict. I had him served w papers in jail (he kept violating the RO and was prosecuted for it). I gave zero f*cks about it bc I was DONE.

i have no regrets about what I did.

Man I'm jealous of these 60 day, 6 month divorces ! #2yearsinSeptember #defaultjudgmenthell

[glynn]

I would just tell him and be done with it. I would probably inform afamily memeber or friend so they could talk with him about it if needed. If you are done then be strong and get the process going for your mental health.

[Deleted]

You need to look out for you and your kid. He's grown and needs to deal with it. These are his consequences for his actions. Addicts are told to be sober a year before seeking relationships.

It's not your job to save him. If there's a family portion of his therapy or possibly asking to sit down with his therapist together it may be easier on him and also a third party involved. Our feelings don't automatically get switched off because we decide on divorce. We're human and have feelings. You're allowed to feel bad. It's your empathy as a human and as someone who care(d) about your H. So don't call your emotions stupid.

[bg]

I agree with the others. Think about you and your child right now. It's ok to feel bad and certainly not stupid to feel that way but don't let it get in the way of doing what you need to do for you.

[redredwine]

IN many cases, addicts have to hit a "bottom" before they start to realize they have a problem. This sounds like he could be getting to his bottom and he's scraping his way to not land there.

Stay strong, worry about yourself and your child and don't let his manipulation tactics lead you otherwise.

[jenstar]

I think you've gotten some great advice already but I just wanted to add that I don't think you've screwed up. You don't help someone like that by trying to be accommodating of their situation. Yes, there are times when that might be necessary but I think in your Hs case he is unfortunately reaping what he's sown and that's his own responsibility. He's a big boy and trying to protect him from the consequences of his own actions literally achieves nothing good.

[thedutchgirl]

Stop worrying so much about protecting him and concentrate on protecting you. I suggested in your intro that you read up about codependency. I will suggest that again. Do not worry about how you doing what is right and good for you and your child may bother him. How often has he considered you two in his addiction? You do not need to take care of him any more. Even if he does something crazy to himself, it is not your fault.