I told him

[nextbigthing]

He begged me not to get divorced.

We talked for a long time, I just told him it was too much and I couldn't do it anymore

I told him I want him to get better so he can be a part of DS life.

He said, what's next, do we need to meet? I told him not now. He asked if I was going to stay in the house, I said I didn't know.

I've literally paid for every single thing we have. The thought of giving him half the house makes me ill. The thought of him getting half my 401k makes me ill. I've worked my ass off to do all of this while he was lazy and worthless.

Ugh. I told him I wouldn't have him served until he finishes treatment (2weeks)

[1confused1]

Hugs.

Curious, why wait to serve him? Why not do it when he has help to deal with it through his treatment center?

[thedutchgirl]

Good for you for telling him. Having to split assets sucks. But remember that ultimately you'd rather be happy and healthy and not married with less assets than in the same place you have been for years.

[nextbigthing]

Jun 21, 2016 20:26:43 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Hugs.

Curious, why wait to serve him? Why not do it when he has help to deal with it through his treatment center?

That's why I told him now. I wanted him to be able to deal with it in treatment. He asked me to wait another week and said he'd sign the waiver, so I agreed. I feel a little bit bad for him and a few weeks doesn't bother me

[pinkdutchtulips]

i'd serve him while he's in treatment where he's got an army of therapists to help him process everything.

i was ready to file my TRO after xh got his 2nd 5150 hold (danger to himself and others) and he talked me out of it. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER ! i got my TRO 2 more 5150s later (4 in 6 wks) and we were in CPS crosshairs. i nearly lost my dd bc i was being nice. after he got the 4th, the next day i got my TRO and a month later we split. i could have avoided CPS by getting the TRO when 'I' wanted to instead of being talked out of it bc someone who 'promised' to change.

rip off the band aid and serve him NOW !!

[nextbigthing]

Jun 21, 2016 20:52:04 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

i'd serve him while he's in treatment where he's got an army of therapists to help him process everything.

i was ready to file my TRO after xh got his 2nd 5150 hold (danger to himself and others) and he talked me out of it. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER ! i got my TRO 2 more 5150s later (4 in 6 wks) and we were in CPS crosshairs. i nearly lost my dd bc i was being nice. after he got the 4th, the next day i got my TRO and a month later we split. i could have avoided CPS by getting the TRO when 'I' wanted to instead of being talked out of it bc someone who 'promised' to change.

rip off the band aid and serve him NOW !!

Wow.

OK, you guys have convinced me. Time to move forward

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jun 21, 2016 21:12:58 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Jun 21, 2016 20:52:04 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

i'd serve him while he's in treatment where he's got an army of therapists to help him process everything.

i was ready to file my TRO after xh got his 2nd 5150 hold (danger to himself and others) and he talked me out of it. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER ! i got my TRO 2 more 5150s later (4 in 6 wks) and we were in CPS crosshairs. i nearly lost my dd bc i was being nice. after he got the 4th, the next day i got my TRO and a month later we split. i could have avoided CPS by getting the TRO when 'I' wanted to instead of being talked out of it bc someone who 'promised' to change.

rip off the band aid and serve him NOW !!

Wow.

OK, you guys have convinced me. Time to move forward

we separated and i filed for divorce 11 months later AFTER the DA's office had prosecuted him for violating the RO. he's a transient so i had him served in jail w/ the divorce papers bc i knew where he was rather than have to hunt him down. i wasted no time serving him. papers were filed 9/9, he was served 9/15.

[glynn]

Good luck!

[jojoandleo]

Man, sometimes this place drives me insane. Someone agrees to something and everyone is all, "Well *I* wouldn't do it that way." Dudes, she already agreed. What good does that do? Sure, she can serve him when she wants, but maybe going back on her word will piss him off and he won't sign the waiver. Maybe it will be good for him and help him work through it. NONE OF US KNOW BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Had she come here BEFORE she agreed, sure, that advice is great. But she already DID.

Look, he knows it's coming. It's not like you are waiting for him to get out of treatment to SURPRISE serve him. Serve him now if you want to, if you think it will be best, but don't do it just because people here have a different opinion. He can get help NOW to work through it whether you serve him or not. Serving him while in treatment won't FORCE him to get help with the divorce. He either will or he won't. Nothing YOU do will change that.

A TRO is NOT the same as serving someone for divorce. They aren't comparable.

[1confused1]

Jun 22, 2016 9:18:59 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Man, sometimes this place drives me insane. Someone agrees to something and everyone is all, "Well *I* wouldn't do it that way." Dudes, she already agreed. What good does that do? Sure, she can serve him when she wants, but maybe going back on her word will piss him off and he won't sign the waiver. Maybe it will be good for him and help him work through it. NONE OF US KNOW BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Had she come here BEFORE she agreed, sure, that advice is great. But she already DID.

Look, he knows it's coming. It's not like you are waiting for him to get out of treatment to SURPRISE serve him. Serve him now if you want to, if you think it will be best, but don't do it just because people here have a different opinion. He can get help NOW to work through it whether you serve him or not. Serving him while in treatment won't FORCE him to get help with the divorce. He either will or he won't. Nothing YOU do will change that.

A TRO is NOT the same as serving someone for divorce. They aren't comparable.

I agree with this, I was just thinking that serving him 2 weeks after she told him might be like reopening a wound and could set him off drinking again. But, it could go either way.

[jojoandleo]

Jun 22, 2016 9:34:36 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Jun 22, 2016 9:18:59 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Man, sometimes this place drives me insane. Someone agrees to something and everyone is all, "Well *I* wouldn't do it that way." Dudes, she already agreed. What good does that do? Sure, she can serve him when she wants, but maybe going back on her word will piss him off and he won't sign the waiver. Maybe it will be good for him and help him work through it. NONE OF US KNOW BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Had she come here BEFORE she agreed, sure, that advice is great. But she already DID.

Look, he knows it's coming. It's not like you are waiting for him to get out of treatment to SURPRISE serve him. Serve him now if you want to, if you think it will be best, but don't do it just because people here have a different opinion. He can get help NOW to work through it whether you serve him or not. Serving him while in treatment won't FORCE him to get help with the divorce. He either will or he won't. Nothing YOU do will change that.

A TRO is NOT the same as serving someone for divorce. They aren't comparable.

I agree with this, I was just thinking that serving him 2 weeks after she told him might be like reopening a wound and could set him off drinking again. But, it could go either way.

I understand asking why she would wait and I even understand the advice, HAD SHE NOT ALREADY AGREED.  But she didn't come asking for advice on whether to wait.  Going back on her promise could set him off, waiting could set him off, doing anything could set him off.  As the child of an alcoholic, you really can't control whether someone drinks again OR gets help.  They have to WANT to get better, not get better because YOU want them to.  I spent YEARS forcing my dad into rehab and he ALWAYS drank again.  It wasn't until he almost died and he made the choice for himself that he has been sober for almost 10 years.  Plus, just serving him now doesn't guarantee he will seek help to work through the divorce. 

So, if SHE really thinks it best to serve him now, go for it.  If she thinks it best to wait like she said, do that.  NO ONE on here knows how he will react and what will be best for THEIR relationship.  If someone promised to sign a waiver IF I waited, I'd probably wait.  It doesn't really hurt.  And maybe he won't sign the waiver, but he wouldn't have to begin with if that is the case.