Advice about a friend

[doglove]

poof - thanks!

PDQ since it's a ton of information about someone else, I'll probably delete. 

[Deleted]

I can relate to feeling great about my divorce. I cried exactly once. I had similar feelings to your friend in that I finally felt back to me. I still have no sad emotions really about my divorce. So I think it's definitely possible she really does feel that way.

I can't answer for why she's pulling back from you, but could you just ask her? Something like "hey I notice you've been declining invites to hang out. Totally understand if you're just wanting some space, but wanted to make sure I didn't do something to upset you." I know that I personally go through periods where I'm just super introverted and content being with just me. And that hanging out with people even those I really like, just doesn't sound appealing. I'd see what she says and go from there. I know it's frustrating when a friend sort of turns a switch like that.

[Deleted]

"Man Friend".
I personally felt very free after I left my XH so I get where she's coming from. I was sad for a month and then it was just like a switch. I was also dealing with a lot of other things all at the same time. My divorce was very much on a back burner for me. Everyone handles things different. I'm not outwardly emotional person. I stuff that shit inside and don't talk about it.
I would stop asking to hang out. Cut your losses and stop wasting your energy. Perhaps when she moves into your apartment complex you can do things again with your dogs or drink after work.
Perhaps she's afraid you're going to try and discuss her emotions or state of affairs. I don't talk to my mom on the phone often. Every time I do, she wants to talk about my dad dying. EVERY TIME. This is why I don't talk to her and have pulled back. It may be similar to why your friend doesn't want to hang.

Some people aren't meant to be in our lives forever.

[redshoejune]

I think continuing to reach out is great and letting her know that you are there no matter what is good too. I wasn't "great" at the beginning of my divorce, but I did have a sense of excitement when I filed the papers and a sense of freedom. Maybe knowing that the ivf process is over is really freeing for her as well.
I also know I went through some denial moments that were followed by big crashes. Like when my divorce was finalized I thought yay this is over I'm fine now. Ha! Ha ha ha! That didn't last long before I was a wreck.

[doglove]

Jun 30, 2016 14:27:59 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I can't answer for why she's pulling back from you, but could you just ask her? Something like "hey I notice you've been declining invites to hang out. Totally understand if you're just wanting some space, but wanted to make sure I didn't do something to upset you." I know that I personally go through periods where I'm just super introverted and content being with just me. And that hanging out with people even those I really like, just doesn't sound appealing. I'd see what she says and go from there. I know it's frustrating when a friend sort of turns a switch like that.

In the years I've known her though she hasn't been like this. Sure she is introverted (and so am I and that's something we understand about each other), but that's never stopped our friendship from growing or even just texting with each other. @lemonlover, I guess I am bummed because I didn't see this person as a transient person in my life, our friendship has been strong for three years until this happened. I don't press her to talk about anything and I've never been that kind of person even when she was having marriage problems. 

[Deleted]

doglove I would just ask what's up then. Also is the man friend really just a friend? If something is going on there that could be part of it.

[Deleted]

It may not be super healthy, but when I'm going through something I don't really like talking about it. People being worried about me makes me uncomfortable and I don't know how to respond to sympathetic comments. I'm great to listen to someone ELSE if they have something going on, though.

Different, I know, but with my dogs dying recently I've cried a lot. I feel grief every day. But if someone asks how I'm doing, I generally say "fine!" and don't want to talk about it much otherwise. Partly because I don't want to cry, but I think I'm just really private in dealing with stuff.

Everyone reacts to divorce differently. I really WAS fine most of the time after I split with my ex. I had my moments, but they usually were just that - moments. I hesitated to really get into it with friends because I knew they'd pass and I'd be relieved again.

I don't know why she's avoiding you - maybe she's kind of avoiding everyone who "knows better" that she's going through a rough time. She may just need some space from feeling like she has to talk about things or pretend that it's normal not to talk about things. I think I was a little distant from some friends for a while too because I knew they wanted to know about my divorce and I didn't really want to talk about it, so it was almost kind of awkward to be dodging the subject.

[Deleted]

I mean, I don't think it would be a bad idea to ask why you guys don't hang out anymore or why she is declining invites. It won't hurt anything.

[Deleted]

As far as her feelings about her divorce, everyone goes through things different. I definitely felt great during my separation/divorce process and didn't really feel the need to reach out to anyone for support or need to talk to anyone about my feelings. I promise, there's nothing wrong with me Your friend might really be feeling great and ready to move on to the next chapter in her life.

As far as her not wanting to hang out anymore, unfortunately I think newish adult friendships can ebb and flow. Unless it was a childhood bestie, I would probably lay off asking to hang out for the time being and keep texting and then in a month or so reach out to make some plans.

[doglove]

Jun 30, 2016 14:39:15 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

doglove I would just ask what's up then. Also is the man friend really just a friend? If something is going on there that could be part of it.

Honestly I have no idea. I don't know anything about him and recollect that she was having some feelers for someone months ago when the marriage was going down the tubes. Maybe more? IDK. 

Thanks guys. 

[statlerwaldorf]

If I had to guess, I would guess that the man friend is more than just a friend and she's been preoccupied with him.

But who knows. Maybe she doesn't want to be around people from when she was married. Maybe she just wants to be alone. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it.

I was a mess leading up to the separation, but once my exh moved out I mostly felt relieved. Our marriage was bad for a long time and no one knew how bad it really was.

I would just give her time and reach out to her periodically. It will take a while for her to find her new normal.