No way! This is about your DH not helping and shouldn't be an issue about the kids. All children should be treated equally!!
You and your DH need to sit down and discuss how you are splitting household chores. If he is unwilling to give in, time to start reflecting about what you want for the rest of your life.
How old are all the kids? Do they have chores? they should if they are school aged
The kids do have and do chores. The problem is the everyday things. I'm having to choose which school conference to go to because I can oly make it to one, I have to run around town with sports, I'm the only one going to dr.appointment, I'm the only one paying the bills, grocery shopping, etc. He really doesn't get it.
I don't think you get it either. I am not trying to be mean.
So you'd feel guilty separating, but not asking his kids to stay in DR?
This isn't about you. This is about him and his children, who were born before you were around.
I don't blame you for not wanting to accept all responsibility for them. Then you should have not married, or you should separate. You don't get to marry him, decide you don't like the way he parents, and keep the kids out of the picture.
I feel guilty about everything. Every decision I make I'm unsure of. And your assessment of the situation is completely wrong, I'm not trying to get the kids out the picture.
No way! This is about your DH not helping and shouldn't be an issue about the kids. All children should be treated equally!!
You and your DH need to sit down and discuss how you are splitting household chores. If he is unwilling to give in, time to start reflecting about what you want for the rest of your life.
How old are all the kids? Do they have chores? they should if they are school aged
The kids do have and do chores. The problem is the everyday things. I'm having to choose which school conference to go to because I can oly make it to one, I have to run around town with sports, I'm the only one going to dr.appointment, I'm the only one paying the bills, grocery shopping, etc. He really doesn't get it.
The kids do have and do chores. The problem is the everyday things. I'm having to choose which school conference to go to because I can oly make it to one, I have to run around town with sports, I'm the only one going to dr.appointment, I'm the only one paying the bills, grocery shopping, etc. He really doesn't get it.
I don't think you get it either. I am not trying to be mean.Â
I don't think I do either. I'm trying but is really hard right now. I have a lot going on. I want the best for my step kids that I'm sure of.
I would find a place for yourself and your children to live and separate. Meet with a lawyer. Then it is on him to decide how to handle his other two children and if he can care for them here or if they would be better cared for there.
This marriage is not going to last. Get out now before things get any more complicated.
Post by friendz4eva on Jul 7, 2016 14:41:49 GMT -5
If your H is unwilling to change and pitch in, I think divorce is the only option. I am sure it will be extremely, extremely difficult, but banning his kids from your house will not change the situation.
Then I know it's scary, but I would separate now. And then he'll have to choose whether he wants to continue to run away from the responsibility of raising his children or not.
Is really really scary. The problem is that I'm going to feel guilty because if we separate his going to have the kids stay there. he's working out of town so he couldn't be responsible for them.
I remember this backstory too. What I'm failing to understand is how, if he's working out of town, did you/do you expect him to help with lugging them around and the other day to day stuff that kids and a house need? How much is he gone exactly? Was this not expected when you brought them over here?
I don't think you tell your stepkids they cannot come home because of arguments about division of labor.
That said, I do think you have to sit down with your husband and say, "There seems to be a high likelihood that our marriage could be over soon. Knowing this, do you want the kids in this country with you? You and their mom need to figure this out ASAP."
Did you ever go to an attorney to find out what spousal support would look like? Or have you continued to take his word for it?
I did. I spoke with two attorneys, they both stated basically the same thing I'll get around the amount he wants to give me. I can probably qualify for temporary spousal support with my income but they couldn't guarantee it.
I was ready to tell you to absolutely follow your therapist's advice over a bunch of Internet strangers, but no. I'm guessing that in 3 sessions, she may not have a clear enough picture to give you that kind of advice. I'm guessing she thinks that you'll scare him into helping more. "Help more with the kids, or they can't come." And she thinks he will step up and help. We've heard enough of the backstory here to know that the likelihood of that happening is essentially zero.
If you're not ready/willing to leave and he's not ready/willing to help, you're really at an impasse. If he makes so much money, could you use some of it to pay for help around the house or with errands? Is it possible for him to do less traveling for work? SOMETHING has to change here, but I don't think staying together, but not letting the kids come back is the answer. They're not really your problem. If your H helped in other ways, respected, appreciated, supported, and loved you the way that you deserve, I don't think all of the extra stuff you do for YOUR step-kids (vs calling them his kids) would be an issue...at least not nearly as big of one!
What is the situation with their mom that he was able to get custody of them in the states for the majority of the year? Is she stable to have them full-time? Is their quality of life better with you guys?
Frankly, if he was not much help with the two children you have with him, you had to know that he was not suddenly going to be supper dad with his other two girls. He already showed you that, no matter what he told you.
I agree with suggesting to do some delegating and getting help for doing errands and picking up the kids. If there is no other option. If he isn't willing to do this well you know the answer. You haven't really said if you want to leave him yet.
dd1204, do you think that your husband feels guilty making you responsible for all the adult duties? Does he feel guilty for doing nothing more than contributing monetarily? My guess is no.
Are you going to let guilt force you to stay in a relationship you know is not good for you? That will never be good for you?
We can't tell you what to do but an ultimatum about the kids is dumb bc it addresses no issues and pretends it's the kids that are the problem instead of your h.
your therapist needs to be replaced. Keep shopping until you find the right one.
When you look at a happy life for you, is your H seriously in that vision?
Thank you. I know the right decision is to get a divorce i really do. But the thought of it really makes my chest hurt it makes me feel really sick, is like I'm paralyzed to make that decision. Everything you've said is true there is no guilt on his part.
Did you ever go to an attorney to find out what spousal support would look like? Or have you continued to take his word for it?
Well, I guess I'd start thinking about what you want. You have a lot on your plate. In addition, you're making sure everyone else's needs are met. No one is making sure your own needs are being met. What would happen if you said, "I'm not cooking dinner on nights I go to school"? NOT, "I need your help" or "I need you to cook dinner a few times a week," simply telling your H what you will not do going forward. Is he going to let his kids go hungry? Or will he start pitching in?
Only you know your husband and if he's willing to change or participate in your marriage. If you don't see the situation improving, you really need to think about how you are going to put yourself first. Going to school full time AND working full time doesn't leave you much time to run the household. It's unfair to you that you would have to let your career goals suffer simply because you're not getting help.
What is the situation with their mom that he was able to get custody of them in the states for the majority of the year? Is she stable to have them full-time? Is their quality of life better with you guys?
Frankly, if he was not much help with the two children you have with him, you had to know that he was not suddenly going to be supper dad with his other two girls. He already showed you that, no matter what he told you.
There is no custody agreement between them. She agreed to allow them to move here for a better life. I really though he'll change once they came, stupid of me i know.
So you'd feel guilty separating, but not asking his kids to stay in DR?
This isn't about you. This is about him and his children, who were born before you were around.
I don't blame you for not wanting to accept all responsibility for them. Then you should have not married, or you should separate. You don't get to marry him, decide you don't like the way he parents, and keep the kids out of the picture.
I feel guilty about everything. Every decision I make I'm unsure of. And your assessment of the situation is completely wrong, I'm not trying to get the kids out the picture.
Then your therapist should be working on THIS and trying to help you figure out this first and foremost. And help you figure out how to get past second guessing yourself.
The kids aren't the problem here. Your husband isn't even the biggest problem. It sounds like the biggest problem is your lack of confidence in yourself.
Wasn't there another poster who worked so hard to get her stepkid here from another country and then when the kid came, she hated him/her? I didn't think there could be two, but I was pretty sure this poster only had one stepkid.
Wasn't there another poster who worked so hard to get her stepkid here from another country and then when the kid came, she hated him/her? I didn't think there could be two, but I was pretty sure this poster only had one stepkid.
Wasn't there another poster who worked so hard to get her stepkid here from another country and then when the kid came, she hated him/her? I didn't think there could be two, but I was pretty sure this poster only had one stepkid.
That was damnation.
DOH! Should have read page two. I see this has already been covered.
What is the situation with their mom that he was able to get custody of them in the states for the majority of the year? Is she stable to have them full-time? Is their quality of life better with you guys?
Frankly, if he was not much help with the two children you have with him, you had to know that he was not suddenly going to be supper dad with his other two girls. He already showed you that, no matter what he told you.
There is no custody agreement between them. She agreed to allow them to move here for a better life. I really though he'll change once they came, stupid of me i know.
He has shown who he is and what kind of involvement he is willing to do as a parent. Believe the actions, not his words. I'm sorry you are facing an incredibly tough decision.
honestly the kids might be better off in the DR if their mother and extended family are more invested in having a relationship with them than your husband is.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jul 7, 2016 15:48:51 GMT -5
The only thing that will make positive changes in your life is to leave the marriage. Anything else is just useless drama. He and his ex will figure out the arrangements for their kids. Your marriage wasn't good before the kids were here. Going back to that solves nothing.
honestly the kids might be better off in the DR if their mother and extended family are more invested in having a relationship with them than your husband is.
Yeah this is what I was thinking. I'm wondering why they moved from the DR to the US in the first place. Obviously it's a better talk to be had between the actual parents, but having the kids move back to the DR sounds like that best option without knowing why they moved in the first place.