How long have the kids been with you? How have they adjusted? Do they seem to have a clear preference?
I ask these questions because what's best for those kids would be my first concern. I'm Dominican (first gen American). My siblings and I each spent time in DR during high school. Our levels of adjustment were very different. I also had two cousins who came to the US from DR at around the same age, and one left as soon as the opportunity was presented, and the other is still negatively affected by having had to stay in the US.
I would really consider the kids frames of mind, particularly given their ages. Would it be more beneficial for the to stay with their mom and perhaps get more financial support? Would it tear them apart to leave their school friends, etc, that they have in the US?
Your H is going to divorce you, take in 2 teens, full-time by himself (without your help), plus co-parent his 2 little ones?
I think the above senecio is highly unlikely. Sure, he may ditch you all, he may threaten divorce, but he's not going to actually do more than he's doing now - for all of his kids.
Your therapist is right in saying that you should tell him no - that YOU are not taking them back in September, he is.
I can't even imagine the psychic damage it could do to a kid to be told they are unwanted and can't come home. Yikes.
I am a little confused because I don't know the back story. Was your husband always working out of town? If so, in what ways did you anticipate him doing more of the day to day stuff with the kids?
He started working out of town about 9 months ago.
How long have the kids been with you? How have they adjusted? Do they seem to have a clear preference?
I ask these questions because what's best for those kids would be my first concern. I'm Dominican (first gen American). My siblings and I each spent time in DR during high school. Our levels of adjustment were very different. I also had two cousins who came to the US from DR at around the same age, and one left as soon as the opportunity was presented, and the other is still negatively affected by having had to stay in the US.
I would really consider the kids frames of mind, particularly given their ages. Would it be more beneficial for the to stay with their mom and perhaps get more financial support? Would it tear them apart to leave their school friends, etc, that they have in the US?
The kids been here two and half years. Their preference would be to be in DR. They came here because my dh and their mom though they would have a better life in the US. if they were told to choose they would definitely pick DR. they have not adjusted to the way of life here, as you know is nothing like over there. Here they're in school for 8 hours in DR is only 4 or 5. They have not established a core group of friends either. My dh definitely send them enough money to live good over there right up to them moving here.
I'm in no way trying to harm them or kick them out their home here.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Jul 7, 2016 17:45:37 GMT -5
I don't remember all the details but I remember enough that I know your H is an ass. That said, his kids are not pawns and you can't just decide while they're not looking that they can't come back. You need to have a conversation with your H for sure, but in the context of the survival of your marriage and what's best for your family, NOT "2 more kids are too much for me." I mean, this would be awful enough for the kids if they were here, but they left the country in good faith (I'm assuming they went to visit family members) and expect to return to their home. Put yourself in there shoes and think a bit about what would happen if your kids went somewhere and then all of a sudden just weren't allowed to return home. You wouldn't think it was right, would you?
Please find a new therapist, because this one sounds like she's going to do permanent damage to someone, somewhere, if she hasn't actually already. Let's hope it's not to a member of your family.
How long have the kids been with you? How have they adjusted? Do they seem to have a clear preference?
I ask these questions because what's best for those kids would be my first concern. I'm Dominican (first gen American). My siblings and I each spent time in DR during high school. Our levels of adjustment were very different. I also had two cousins who came to the US from DR at around the same age, and one left as soon as the opportunity was presented, and the other is still negatively affected by having had to stay in the US.
I would really consider the kids frames of mind, particularly given their ages. Would it be more beneficial for the to stay with their mom and perhaps get more financial support? Would it tear them apart to leave their school friends, etc, that they have in the US?
The kids been here two and half years. Their preference would be to be in DR. They came here because my dh and their mom though they would have a better life in the US. if they were told to choose they would definitely pick DR. they have not adjusted to the way of life here, as you know is nothing like over there. Here they're in school for 8 hours in DR is only 4 or 5. They have not established a core group of friends either. My dh definitely send them enough money to live good over there right up to them moving here.
I'm in no way trying to harm them or kick them out their home here.
I definitely don't think you are trying to harm them in any way.
Life is definitely very different on DR, especially at those ages. I was thinking that it probably seems like the best choice for you and your other two kids if you left your H. I thought it was probably likely that your SKs would be happier in the DR too. I think as Americans we sometimes think that life is/will be better here, but it is all so relative. Interestingly, my parents and grandparents worked so hard to get us to the US, and only a small fraction of us stayed after being born and raised here.
Have you guys done counseling? I didn't see a response from you on that. Also, you need to dump this quack therapist you're seeing.
Yes we did counseling. The person was a quack, she told my dh that it was ok to treat me that way because is allowed in our culture. She told me that all I was doing is my duties and that kids come first so I should not considered divorce.
I remember your posts. IIRC, basically you're raising all four kids solo, I can't remember if they mind you at all, and he doesn't contribute to the household work at all. This won't change.
Under those circumstances, I think you should separate. He treats you like crap and it's not going to change. The kids are better off with their mom who they have a strong relationship than ignored by their dad and living with a s-mom with whom they do not have a strong relationship.
Guys I've been to 4 counselor in the last 3 years.
The first was the best but my dh didn't like it because she didn't speak Spanish.
The second was a psychologist, i was going to him on my own before the kids came. I thought he was ok. He thought i shouldn't petition for the kids and let me dh do it. When they came he told me i should only do the basic for them. He told me i shouldn't go out of my way to do stuff for them, like dropping my sk at the bus stop, going to their school conference, and taking them to the dr. He felt i should leave all that to my dh because they weren't my responsibility and by doing it my dh would never step up. I didn't feel comfortable once he gave me that advice.
Thrid therapist was a LCWS she was and older Spanish lady from cuba. She basically said that my dh was right and his duties is just to bring home the money and me the house duties. She told me that i shouldn't even think about divorce because of my kids.
Fourth therapist is also a LCWS with 30 years of experience. I've seen her 3 times. She told me i should continue with my marriage till i get my bachelor's. She also told me i should probably consider quitting my job because she doesn't think I'm going to handle school full-time, work, and the kids well with my anxiety. Today she suggested that i tell this to my dh.
I don't want to harm or rehome my sk. I just want the best for everyone. I'm really in the verge of a mental breakdown because of everything in going through.
OP, you've been going through a lot for a long time. I have no advice, just hugs. I don't want you to feel like you can't come here to talk things out. It seems like you very much need a place for that.
honestly a good counselor will not tell you what to do, they should help you process your emotions and decide what you believe is best for you and support you in that.
My opinion is he will send his kids back if you leave him anyways. He does not sound like a man you can or want to build a life with. It might seem scary but if you are doing it all on your own then you might not miss him as much as you think. You deserve someone who is actually a partner not someone who treats you as free labour
So you wrote off the second guy because he suggested you find a way to try and get your husband to step up? I really don't get the feeling that you want this to work with the kids involved. And granted, it is frustrating and he's being shitty to you. I don't think anyone here disagrees with that. But are you just hoping that one day he'll change and suddenly be a different dad? He's not going to.
So either you can do something to try and get him more involved (counseling, stepping back to encourage him to step up, etc) or you can leave. Asking him to basically choose between you and the kids is probably one of the worst things you can do.
You're really unhelpful. The second counselor told me to let me sd walk to the bus stop, not to take them to the dr, how can you expect for me to have followed that advice, my dh wasn't going to do it. To bad that you don't get the feeling that I'm trying because I am. I'm doing something and have done things to get him to change if you would take the time to read what I wrote. I'm been to counseling with him, I've talked to him about all this. So please don't tell me I'm doing nothing. And I'm not making him pick between his kids and I. I now understand that approaching the situation with suggesting the kids stay is not good so I won't do it. But please don't sit here acting like I'm doing nothing.
honestly a good counselor will not tell you what to do, they should help you process your emotions and decide what you believe is best for you and support you in that.
Yes. I was just coming to post this.
Good counselors NEVER give advice. That's not their job. Their job is to give you the tools to decide for yourself.
I think you've gotten some good advice and I'm sure Mofo gave you some good recs for new counselors. Good luck!
If you're planning on staying with him, then "rehoming" the SKs is not an option: they are children that are entitled to come home and be cared for, regardless of what's going on in their dad's marriage.
If you are 1,000% done being married to this guy and you know it, his kids should not be a deciding factor in whether or not you stay. They can come back to the US whether or not you're still with him. It's on him, as their parent, to step up and care for them while they are here. If you choose to leave, he'll need to figure out how to handle that on his own, and with you not around to cover his ass, he will.
You can't parent his kids for him, and the truth is, kids want their OWN parent to step up. It's incredibly painful to watch your own parent be there, and ignore you, while someone who is NOT your parent tries to take on the role while your parent is *right there*. [Not my story, just repeating what of heard from many CODs.]
The best thing you can do is take yourself out of the equation and leave it to the bio-parents.
If the kids prefer living with their Mom in the DR, then that makes a big difference to me. Have you spoken with the Mom about them remaining with her? It sounds like mentally and physically you know you can no longer care for them. There is no shame in saying it is beyond what you are capable of handling. He refuses and is now in no position to help you, there is nothing you can do but help yourself. If it's the end of your marriage then figure out a plan before he divorces you. I'd find a good lawyer.
Would you be able to live comfortably without your income so you could finish school? I mean, your H is gone a lot, and you'd be solo parenting your kids regardless of whether you stay or leave. It's possible that that possibility isn't necessarily bad, if it allows you to get where you need, and faster.