Advice. Please.

[coraline]

I have another account on here, but am not really wanting others to put two and two together.  I may delete this a little later.

My husband and I have been married 10 years.  It's not been great.  I came from a bad marriage, and had a child from that marriage.

My husband is lazy.  And that's putting it mildly.  When we had a child of our own, he refused to help out with them for the majority of the first three years.  He let my child know from my first marriage that they weren't "his" and that he felt more love and attachment to his own biological child.  He anthologized her so much that she eventually moved in with her dad and wants nothing to do with her stepfather.  My husband was happy about this.  He is not happy at all that she's coming for summer visit soon.

He doesn't share in housework.  We have pets, and he doesn't clean up after them at all.  He doesn't take out the trash; okay, he does. But he piles it in the garage to the point that it's literally a mountain of disgusting bags that will be 8 or 9 bags high right next to the door.  Dishes will pile up and I've found maggots in them at the bottom of the sink.  He will come home from work and plop himself down in front of his computer and ignore me/our child.  He refuses to stick to a budget and blows through money on games like you would not believe.

The only reason why he stepped up to the plate with anything was that I moved out for 6 months, and he turned things around.  When I moved back, he went right back to the way that he always was.

He had a medical problem two years ago that required surgery, and now he's using that as an excuse as to why he's so tired and lazy all of the time.  

He teases me and the kids mercilessly about things.  We have all asked him to stop, because none of us like it, and he doesn't. Said he's always been like that and we need to grow thicker skin.  His teasing causes our child to cry and hit him, then he gets mad because he got hit. I don't like being mimicked, and he does it on a daily basis, and thinks he is hilarious. 

I now spend my free time (when I'm not doing stuff with our child) away from the house. I do a lot of activities that take me out of the city on weekends (not saying what it is specifically because then that would give away who I likely am), and it's my escape, otherwise I think I would completely and totally lose it mentally. I feel guilty at the end of those weekends because it was time I wasn't spending with my kid, even though I spend every waking hour with my kid outside of work.

I have fallen out of love with him.  We are basically two roommates living in the same environment.  I don't like him hugging me, touching me.  I want out.  I don't know how to talk to him about this.  He thinks that I'm the one with the problems, and that I should be happy with the way that our life is together. I have tried talking to him many times about why I'm unhappy, and he starts mimicking me, making fun of me, or telling me that I'm creating problems in my mind.

I don't know if I should talk to a lawyer first, or just sit him down and tell him that this isn't working, and I'm done. I have talked to one friend about this on a daily basis, and she keeps telling me to pack up and run.  

Counseling isn't an option.  When I originally moved out, I tried several times to get him to go to counseling with me, and he said it was a waste of time and money. 

Both of my kids, especially the one who doesn't live with us, want to know why I'm not happy, and why I'm still there. 

Obviously there is a lot more to the situation that I haven't said, but that's a little background. 

[doriswe]

I'm not sure what the question is, but why are you staying?

It's okay to be done. Seriously. I would, however, encourage individual counseling to work on you and figure out why you chose this man and continued to live with him while it was severing your relationship with your child.

[coraline]

Jul 8, 2016 8:57:18 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm not sure what the question is, but why are you staying?

It's okay to be done. Seriously. I would, however, encourage individual counseling to work on you and figure out why you chose this man and continued to live with him while it was severing your relationship with your child.

I guess my question is, how would you approach telling him you're done?  I'm scared out of my mind to do it.

I'm not in a great place financially to get out, either.

[atlas]

Since it doesn't sound like he is physically hurting you (yet) I think I would get ALL the ducks in a row with a lawyer first. I've never been divorced, so I'm not sure of the timeline of anything. But I would try to plan on telling him you want a divorce the same day that you are moving out (or making him move). You don't want to see what he might do if you tell him you want a divorce now and you need to stay in the house until you get everything worked out.

[doriswe]

Jul 8, 2016 9:10:27 GMT -5 coraline said:

Jul 8, 2016 8:57:18 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm not sure what the question is, but why are you staying?

It's okay to be done. Seriously. I would, however, encourage individual counseling to work on you and figure out why you chose this man and continued to live with him while it was severing your relationship with your child.

I guess my question is, how would you approach telling him you're done?  I'm scared out of my mind to do it.

I'm not in a great place financially to get out, either.

You've already moved out once, you totally have the strength and the know-how to do this! How'd you have the conversation the last time?

I agree with getting set up with a lawyer first but ask for help from those around you. I assure you family and friends will do whatever they can to help you!

[coraline]

Jul 8, 2016 9:35:54 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Jul 8, 2016 9:10:27 GMT -5 coraline said:

I guess my question is, how would you approach telling him you're done?  I'm scared out of my mind to do it.

I'm not in a great place financially to get out, either.

You've already moved out once, you totally have the strength and the know-how to do this! How'd you have the conversation the last time?

I agree with getting set up with a lawyer first but ask for help from those around you. I assure you family and friends will do whatever they can to help you!

I think I went about it the wrong way.  I'm not sure.  I got an apartment and then the day before I moved, I told him I couldn't do this anymore.  He lost it.  Said I had mental problems and wanted to know who the other person was (there wasn't anyone else).  He was very angry and wanted to know if I was going to date anyone else while I was out (said I wasn't, and I didn't).  I know he signed up for several dating sites to try and find out if I was, in fact, looking for someone new.  He punched the couch next to me, and I flinched.  He started screaming at me that he would never hit me, and why was I flinching when he did that?

Gave him all of the reasons I was going and he had an answer or excuse for each reason.  And none of them were his fault at all.

His family came to stay a few days later. He didn't tell them I moved out. It took them 3 days to realize I was gone. When they finally did ask, his parents went ballistic on me. Said that I ruined what was supposed to be a happy time for them (they came to see a new baby). 

[Deleted]

So, I'd get a lawyer and set up an action plan (aka where you are moving, budgeting, etc). And just leave if the lawyer advises that you can leave the marital house.
You don't need to prep your H for this. You don't need to tell him or discuss if you're dating, if there's someone else, if you'd come back, etc. You don't need to explain yourself or your actions to him anymore or answer any questions except about your child.

You went from one bad marriage to another and I'm sorry.

[glynn]

I would speak to a lawyer. Make a plan about moving and get things set-up. Get my crap then tell him and go. I would not have a man that hurt my time with my kids. Tell him what you need to and do not listen to the other stuff.

[stephreloaded]

Jul 8, 2016 9:47:47 GMT -5 coraline said:

Jul 8, 2016 9:35:54 GMT -5 doriswe said:

You've already moved out once, you totally have the strength and the know-how to do this! How'd you have the conversation the last time?

I agree with getting set up with a lawyer first but ask for help from those around you. I assure you family and friends will do whatever they can to help you!

I think I went about it the wrong way.  I'm not sure.  I got an apartment and then the day before I moved, I told him I couldn't do this anymore.  He lost it.  Said I had mental problems and wanted to know who the other person was (there wasn't anyone else).  He was very angry and wanted to know if I was going to date anyone else while I was out (said I wasn't, and I didn't).  I know he signed up for several dating sites to try and find out if I was, in fact, looking for someone new.  He punched the couch next to me, and I flinched.  He started screaming at me that he would never hit me, and why was I flinching when he did that?

Gave him all of the reasons I was going and he had an answer or excuse for each reason.  And none of them were his fault at all.

His family came to stay a few days later. He didn't tell them I moved out. It took them 3 days to realize I was gone. When they finally did ask, his parents went ballistic on me. Said that I ruined what was supposed to be a happy time for them (they came to see a new baby). 

I agree with the others.

Also, while I know he is your husband now and that they are your in laws, what they say or what they think of you shouldn't matter and will never come between you and what you need to be happy. People will always make excuses as why things are never their fault. It takes someone very strong to look inside and see what can be improved. While we all would love for people to do this and understand that we are right it rarely happens. My point here is, you need to let go whatever he says of you. Once you do this, you will start focusing on what's important which is you and the kids.

[Deleted]

You've already taken action to leave in the past, so you should feel confident that these things won't change. If it's not a very urgent situation (sounds like it's not), then take time to see lawyer and get fi finances in order so he can't get to them first and screw you over. You deserve to be happy. Good luck!

[berbles]

He sounds a lot like my XH. He teases people as his way of showing affection; his whole family does it. He LOVED making fun of me (e.g., the way I laugh) in front of a room full of people. BUT GOD FORBID anyone picks on him for being dumb. That was his sore spot and completely off limits. Like, I had to change how I talk because I could never insinuate that he was being dumb. Even when he was being fucking stupid. He is also unbelievably lazy when it comes to household chores.

I empathize and offer many hugs.

Also, I second the PP that you need to get yourself into individual counseling and figure out why you ever accepted this behavior as ok.

[coraline]

Jul 8, 2016 12:16:17 GMT -5 berbles said:

He sounds a lot like my XH. He teases people as his way of showing affection; his whole family does it. He LOVED making fun of me (e.g., the way I laugh) in front of a room full of people. BUT GOD FORBID anyone picks on him for being dumb. That was his sore spot and completely off limits. Like, I had to change how I talk because I could never insinuate that he was being dumb. Even when he was being fucking stupid. He is also unbelievably lazy when it comes to household chores.

I empathize and offer many hugs.

Also, I second the PP that you need to get yourself into individual counseling and figure out why you ever accepted this behavior as ok.

That is EXACTLY what he does.  And he teases our kid so much, that it causes him to cry and scream.  He hates being made fun of.  I can't stand it.  But if we make fun of him?  No.  Not acceptable.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 8, 2016 14:21:00 GMT -5 coraline said:

Jul 8, 2016 12:16:17 GMT -5 berbles said:

He sounds a lot like my XH. He teases people as his way of showing affection; his whole family does it. He LOVED making fun of me (e.g., the way I laugh) in front of a room full of people. BUT GOD FORBID anyone picks on him for being dumb. That was his sore spot and completely off limits. Like, I had to change how I talk because I could never insinuate that he was being dumb. Even when he was being fucking stupid. He is also unbelievably lazy when it comes to household chores.

I empathize and offer many hugs.

Also, I second the PP that you need to get yourself into individual counseling and figure out why you ever accepted this behavior as ok.

That is EXACTLY what he does.  And he teases our kid so much, that it causes him to cry and scream.  He hates being made fun of.  I can't stand it.  But if we make fun of him?  No.  Not acceptable.

[ br] ditto my xh as well ... why he's an xh (among other reasons) and not only try to get into therapy but al-anon as well. Usually it's for friends/family members of addicts but they help with eliminating co-dependent behaviors that keep us in destructive relationships AND help you learn to set and enforce boundaries when dealing w those kind of people ... *hugs*

[acr]

You don't necessarily owe him a detailed list of why you're leaving. It's enough that you're not happy. Don't give him the opportunity to counter why you're done.

Get your ducks in a row, support from family and friends, a lawyer lined up, and file. You tell him and leave. There isn't a reason you need to stick around to be harassed after (especially since you've seen how he handles it). Good luck

[berbles]

Jul 8, 2016 14:21:00 GMT -5 coraline said:

Jul 8, 2016 12:16:17 GMT -5 berbles said:

He sounds a lot like my XH. He teases people as his way of showing affection; his whole family does it. He LOVED making fun of me (e.g., the way I laugh) in front of a room full of people. BUT GOD FORBID anyone picks on him for being dumb. That was his sore spot and completely off limits. Like, I had to change how I talk because I could never insinuate that he was being dumb. Even when he was being fucking stupid. He is also unbelievably lazy when it comes to household chores.

I empathize and offer many hugs.

Also, I second the PP that you need to get yourself into individual counseling and figure out why you ever accepted this behavior as ok.

That is EXACTLY what he does.  And he teases our kid so much, that it causes him to cry and scream.  He hates being made fun of.  I can't stand it.  But if we make fun of him?  No.  Not acceptable.

Is he a Peter Pan?

www.huffingtonpost.com/kristen-houghton/the-peter-pan-syndrome_b_6127308.html

[Deleted]

You need get to a place in your head that you're done, make the decision and start implementing. You can tell him later, possibly even after you've left. It's not as if he's going to help you move out and move on so there's no point telling him before you've done anything - he'll just try to stop you or make it more difficult. It will probably make his terrible behavior more tolerable if you know in your head it's just a short term thing & you're half out the door already.

It will suck short term, change is always scary, but it will be so worth it.

Hugs.

[Deleted]

1. Get a therapist, sounds like you need it
2. Get a lawyer and they will advise you on the legalities
3. Set up a bank account, apartment, finances (going in to debt to get this situated is worth it in my opinion)
4. Get a babysitter for your kid and have a friend or family member come over while you tell him that you're moving and help you to move out because he doesn't sound rational

He is never going to change and you and your kid don't need to be abused.