Talk to me about kids and divorce

[Deleted]

Deleting details - thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses!

[sweetchix]

My DDs were 2 and 4 when I told XH I wanted a divorce. I was in a similar marriage: no abuse, no cheating... but I just wasn't happy. Honestly, we should never have gotten married. XMIL tried to talk me into staying "for the kids". I very strongly disagree with that. My parents separated when I was 11 and divorced when I was 13. I am very thankful for that because my dad was (is) an alcoholic and that played a huge part in their problems. Now, they get along well enough that she even invited him to her wedding to my SD and he was invited to her 60th bday party last May.

Anyway, I went through with the divorce. DDs are better off having 2 parents who are happy and separate than together and miserable. They have adjusted remarkably well. We did have a few incidents when DD1 cried when she had to go with XH and DD2 will occasionally say she wants us to get back together, but she also says she wants me to get married again and have another baby, a brother for her. She turned 4 the day I closed on my house so I doubt she has many memories of us all together, but she does have a few.

Regarding your concern about not seeing your kids when they'd be with XH, it was an adjustment. I remember the first day they were with him, after I had finished moving in and actually had a moment to sit, I was sad and cries a bit. But from then on out I decided to keep myself busy so I couldn't dwell on that and it got so much easier. It's node to have that time to myself where I can get things done around the house without having to worry about them coming through behind me tearing it up. And I can make plans to go out with friends or do activities that I couldn't do if I had them all the time. It'll work out in the end.

ETA: DDs are 9 and 7 now and I have been in my house and divorced for 3 years now.

[statlerwaldorf]

My DD had a rough time adjusting, but there were more issues than just divorcing since I was leaving an abusive relationship. She had just turned 6. Honestly I think it would be better to do it now than wait until they are older.

I would contact the guidance counselor at your local elementary school. Even though they aren't old enough to be in school yet, they might be able to give you some book references. Dd1 did one on one time with the counselor and the books really helped her express her feelings and got us talking about the divorce.

[Deleted]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! It helps a lot.

[tiffany81]

My son was 4 when XH and I divorced. I was honestly terrified of him being alone with his dad because I didn't think his dad could figure anything out. I was the one in the relationship who did everything. I wasn't even sure XH could survive without me. It's funny now because he was a better single father than he was when he was married to me. He didn't always make the same choices I'd make, but DS was mostly happy when he got to go over to his dad's house.

Sometimes DS would cry and say he didn't want to go. Sometimes he'd ask why we couldn't all live together. Those times were really hard. But it's been a little over 2 years now and he doesn't ask anymore. We talk about the good things from having 2 houses - 2 rooms to mess up, 2 families to love him, 2 places for Christmas gifts.

He's adjusted really well. I think he has mostly forgotten what it was like when we were one family.

As for you being without them, it was hard just at first. Then it got easier and now I sometimes look forward to it. The time passes quick and I remind myself that in a healthy family, the husband would also care for the kids and give the wife alone time. I didn't get that in my marriage. So now when I have a weekend alone, I appreciate it. I do things for me. I know that I'm a better mom when I have DS because I have the time to recharge too.

[asoctoberfalls]

I'm not going to lie. It has been a really tough adjustment for my 4 year old DS, and STBXH and I are pretty amicable because we both try very hard for DS's sake.

The first 2-3 months, DS was very violent - hitting, kicking, spitting, throwing tantrums. That was atypical for his behavior the past year, and it was a really difficult few months. That has kind of died down, but sleep has become a HUGE issue due to I think some separation anxiety. Anger and defiance is still an issue now, but not as much as it was at first. (It's been 4 months now).

So, I'm sure it depends on the kid, but it's not always smooth sailing.

[stephreloaded]

I think there are a lot of people who will not do stuff because they know that there's someone else to pick up the slack. When there's no one else there, they know they have no choice and can parent a lot better. Hopefully that is your husband's case. Regarding the emotional issues, I think you both will benefit from counselling. Even if it's just related to communication, that could have a tremendous impact on the way you parent.

Being away from your kid is really hard at first but with the time you get used to it. My DD is now 7. She started going for longer periods of time from the time she was 1. She is a very well adjusted child and has understood this as her normal way of living. I do have a good relationship with her dad and she never notices resentment or any disagreement between us.

[melloyello]

My son just turned 2 when I moved out. It's been seven months and he's doing so good.

XH barely did anything with him prior to me moving out. I could count on one hand the number of times since having DS that I was able to be out of the house without DS. He's figured it out. At first, he'd have his mom over when he had him overnight, which I questioned. But he needed that to get comfortable and now he has him on his own overnight.

[glynn]

It can be tough. Your child will notice that you are happier if things are not good at home now. I have been divorced twice so I have to different situations. The first time DS was 8 and DD1 was 6. They were totally surprised when I left their Dad. They liked going to both places until he got remarried and let his new wife rule the home. She was mean to my kids and still is to this day. They kids are 24 and 22 now and DD1 will probably never have a relationship with her Dad because of his wife. My DS still tries but it is hard. My older kids and I are close and if they ever need anything they both come to me. For years their Dad fought me for custody and both kids have come to me at different times and thanked me for fighting for them.

DD2 is 8 and we seprated in May last year but just left the home in Jan. 2016. She is still having days but over all is better than we lived together. She is bi-polar and her Dad does not acknowledge that even though we have to different DR's given us the dignoses. At my place we have a very strict schedule and she trives on it. At his palce he is much more concerened with the girlfriend and let DD2 do whatever. The girlfriend often babysits and DD2 likes her. She still asks for us to be together and actually had a little breakdown over it this weekend. All in all this divorce was not my choice but is best for DD2 and I.

[Deleted]

Thanks for being honest everyone, the "likes" are because I appreciate the honest feedback, not because I'm happy to hear others have had a tough time. I deleted details just in case. Thanks again.

[carowen]

Thanks for posting this OP, and for all the thoughtful replies. I have a lot of these same worries about how my kiddos will deal with this so hearing the good/bad/ugly helps me prepare.