I need advice.

[lostae]

I need some advice, or tough love from strangers, about a situation that happened on Saturday.

My boyfriend of just over a year and I, went to my sister's wedding this weekend. He was miserable the whole time, and was acting very controlling. Such as not being thrilled that I had to spend time with them without him, because my sister wanted all of the bridesmaids to get ready together. Or having to walk down the isle with another man, or because I had to reapply lipstick a couple of times for photos. He said that I chose lipstick over being able to properly kiss him. I mostly ignored it and just tried to enjoy the day.

Well that night he got pissed off at me because he felt I was dancing too much ans not sitting with him. He knows my family, so its not like I left him by himself, and he refused to dance with us. I just wanted to have a good time and celebrate with my sisters. He said he was leaving and going back to the room and at that point I had had enough and stayed without him.

I went back to the room about 90 mins later and discovered he had been standing across the road. He started snarling at me through clenched teeth that I made him wait for an hour and a half. When we got closer to the room, he smacked the things I was carrying out of my hand, grabbed my wrist and yanked me into the room forcefully while still snarling about an inch away from my face basically telling me what a piece of shit I was for making him feel unimportant. Grabbed the headband I had in my hand and broke it. He said we were over and I said yes, we are. I guess he realized at that point that I wasn't begging him to stay, so he got intop of me while I laid on the bed and snarled in my face for me to just stop. If I'd look away he'd grab my face and yank it back towards him.

The next morning we drove home, I packed most of my clothes and left. He begged me not to go, blaming alcohol for what happened, telling me he'd never done something like that before and that he was under so much stress, promising counselling for his anger issues.

He's set up an appointment with an anger management counselor and wants me to consider coming back once he gets help. He seems remorseful, but then they all do. I'm really struggling with not giving in. Part of me wonders if he can get the help he needs and change. But then the other part of me knows its likely to happen again. I'm so confused.

[stephreloaded]

Run now and run fast.

[doglove]

Get away from this person ASAP. Jealous of you walking down the isle with another man as a bridesmaid or that you had to reapply lipstick? Yikes.

[sparkythelawyer]

Do not. Under any circumstances.  Let this abuser back into your life.

Look what he just did.  He made your sister's wedding about him.  And you can bet your sweet ass he wasn't drunk the whole time he was being a dick.  He assaulted you.  He hit you.  He pushed and pulled you.  He held you down, physically restrained you and prevented you from leaving. He was VIOLENT to you.  

Run. 

RUN, please for the love of God run.  

Do not take his calls.  Do not respond to his texts.  Do not answer his emails.  Pretend this person is not a carbon-based life form on planet Earth.  If he comes to your door, call the police and report a tresspasser.  Contact a local therapist to work through your feelings of losing what you thought this relationship was and being the victim of a violent crime.  But do not, under any circumstances, engage with this violent man. 

Put yourself first.  Fight for YOU here.  You are worth fighting for.

[redshoejune]

Jul 11, 2016 10:41:16 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

Run now and run fast.

Yes, do this. Now.

[lostae]

Thank you everyone. In my heart, I know this. I know that if I had reacted in the wrong way, or said something wrong, it would have escalated further that night. The look on his face and the force in which he grabbed me and yanked me was terrifying, and not something I've ever experienced before. It wasn't until after I told people about this, that everyone said they had a gut feeling he was controlling. My mother and sister were afraid to let me go back to the room that night. It's so hard to process what happened.

[sparkythelawyer]

Jul 11, 2016 10:34:21 GMT -5 lostae said:

I'm really struggling with not giving in. Part of me wonders if he can get the help he needs and change. But then the other part of me knows its likely to happen again.

If you need a project or a hobby take up knitting.  Not "trying to fix abusive assholes."  

You are worth fighting for.  You are worth being "selfish" about, especially with regards to your physical safety.  You have value and you matter.  You are worth not waiting for "him to change and get better someday."  I'm glad he's getting help.  Maybe he'll be better for the next girl.  But don't let that be you.  He's shown you who he is and what he's capable of.  Get away from him fast.  If he really loved you, he would understand that what he did was unforgivable and leave you alone.  

[pinkdutchtulips]

Leave ! Now !

and don't look back, don't accept any mes mea culpas from him ... No No Nope !

[bl]

Echoing what the others said, leave and do it now. Do not let him back in your life. It is never okay to be violent towards your partner (or anyone) for any reason, and he is just saying/doing what he thinks you want to hear. I am so sorry you had to go through this.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry. Not to be an echo but I'm glad you're leaving. Be done. There are literally millions of other people out there that will treat you far better. Your mental health and physical safety are way more important than wondering if someone can change.

[statlerwaldorf]

Run. I'm saying this from experience. This is classic abusive behavior and it will get worse. A lot of abusers can be very manipulative. Cut off all contact with this guy. It is so much harder once you are married and have kids. My exh tried to kill me and still gets visitation with the kids.

Honestly I don't think anger management programs work. Nor do I think his behavior is about anger. It's more about control. There are batterers intervention programs, but I just don't believe people change who they are. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

[doglove]

You don't need to "wait" for someone to change their abusive behavior. Guess what? There are tons of guys out there who are not a$$holes and who aren't abusers! And they don't need any changes. You can find one of those instead of investing time and emotions into hoping this person will change. He's showing you who he is - believe it. And get the eff out of there.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 11, 2016 12:40:39 GMT -5 doglove said:

You don't need to "wait" for someone to change their abusive behavior. Guess what? There are tons of guys out there who are not a$$holes and who aren't abusers! And they don't need any changes. You can find one of those instead of investing time and emotions into hoping this person will change. He's showing you who he is - believe it. And get the eff out of there.

I wasted 12 years of my life w someone like that - marrying him, building a life w him even having a child w him !! The whole time investing a huge chunk of myself (time, emotionally, finanically) in him hoping he'd change but nope .. I adore my dd but every day I wish someone else was her father, not the guy who is her father.

[stephreloaded]

I also wanted to add that usually when you are dating, you tend to see the best version of the person. Imagine how things could be if you married him.

To me, physical abuse is an automatic deal breaker. It is completely normal to feel scared and mourn what could be the end of your relationship but your safety and happiness is very very important.

[glynn]

Like others have said run.

[statlerwaldorf]

It's completely normal to grieve the fantasy of the life you were hoping to have together. He fucked that up and it doesn't make you a fool to take some time to grieve what you've lost even if it wasn't reality. I hope that makes sense.

[bullygirl979]

Others have obviously already said it but I will just pile on. Absolutely run away from him. That wasn't just alcohol induced stupidity, that was the cycle of abuse just starting.

[melloyello]

Another echo here, saying to RUN far away from this situation.

[cuddlyevil]

You don't need to wait for him to improve or make changes. RUN and run fast.

[bullygirl979]

Jul 11, 2016 15:33:09 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

You don't need to wait for him to improve or make changes. RUN and run fast.

Yeah...this isn't like "dear, I will REALLY try harder not to leave the toilet seat up."

OP, I was a therapist for many years. I will not say that people can't change, because they can. But, I will say that it is INCREDIBLY hard to change.

[expatpumpkin]

RUN.

RUN.

RUN.

[stephreloaded]

[Deleted]

I hope you're safe and that you're taking care of yourself today.

[carowen]

Ditto everyone, this is textbook start of abuse. Let him work on his issues while you run far away.

Be safe.

[starburst604]

The stuff he pulled sent a chill down my spine because he reminds me of my ex-FI. I once took him to an engagement party, where I was to be the MOH. He pouted in a hallway the entire time, wouldn't tell me what was wrong and completely embarrassed me in front of everyone. After we left he blew up and told me I should have gotten a plate of food for him. Because he didn't feel comfortable going to the buffet himself or some shit. I always pinpoint that as the first time I should have run away screaming. But I didn't and 3 years of emotional abuse followed. Thankfully we didn't get married. I learned a couple of years ago that he kicked his current gf in the stomach and ruptured her intestine. So eventually it would have escalated to physical with me, and I have no doubt it will escalate further with this guy. Don't let it. He showed you who he is, believe him.

[Wanderista]

This guy is really scary. I dated a guy who was abusive but never physically like that. He would do the pattern of making me cry and then apologizing, alternating between being mean and being charming. It is abuse. At first, I felt sorry for him and thought he could change. No, if people want to change then they will change themselves. It is not your job to "save" them.

When someone treats you the way this guy treated you? Done. No forgiveness.

As I got away from him, I realized what a horrible egoist he was. After a couple of weeks, I didn't miss him at all and I never spoke to him again. When we were dating, I worried that I would miss him too much if it ended but that turned out to not be true at all. Now it's an episode of my life that I barely think about. It had no bearing on my future except to help me appreciate what really matters in a person.

You don't need someone like this in your life.

[stephreloaded]

Jul 13, 2016 21:12:50 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

The stuff he pulled sent a chill down my spine because he reminds me of my ex-FI. I once took him to an engagement party, where I was to be the MOH. He pouted in a hallway the entire time, wouldn't tell me what was wrong and completely embarrassed me in front of everyone. After we left he blew up and told me I should have gotten a plate of food for him. Because he didn't feel comfortable going to the buffet himself or some shit. I always pinpoint that as the first time I should have run away screaming. But I didn't and 3 years of emotional abuse followed. Thankfully we didn't get married. I learned a couple of years ago that he kicked his current gf in the stomach and ruptured her intestine. So eventually it would have escalated to physical with me, and I have no doubt it will escalate further with this guy. Don't let it. He showed you who he is, believe him.

Your daughter is gorgeous!!!