Finding clarity

[jenstar]

Any tips for doing this WRT a relationship? Not for me, but I have a good friend and she is struggling with her current relationship. The guy is everything she wants on paper, but she just feels like something is missing and maybe the chemistry isn't there. Compatibility is good but no spark I guess.

I know that sparks fade with time but do you think there should be something there in the beginning? Some sort of attraction beyond liking how someone behaves etc? She said it's been great when they've been away together or when she visits him (a few hours away), but none of those situations are really real life.

I have told her that she should go with her gut but she is a ball of anxiety atm, her family tells her he's great and she's sabotaging things, she's nervous about hurting him if she breaks it off again (she has once before) but she doesn't feel like her best self right now and it's hard to focus on improving that with him in the picture.

I want to support her but I'm not sure if I'm being helpful right now.. Any thoughts?

[cuddlyevil]

Why does she feel like she can't improve herself with him in the picture?

As for the other stuff, I have never been in an LDR. They're not for me, but I can totally understand why she has reservations. I am watching a good friend go through one now and his GF seems interested but he's still the one doing the bulk of the traveling to see her.

[jenstar]

He does spend a lot of time in the city she's in, but it sounds as though the only times she seems to see a future for them are when she's not in her normal home environment, if that makes sense.

I think it's a bit complicated but she seems to feel like she hasn't got enough space to work on stuff with someone else around. She is worried that maybe she does sabotage herself because she's not open to being loved and being with someone who loves her and treats her well isn't changing that.. I think she's just very confused and anxious about hurting him.

[doglove]

I think her gut knows it's not right, for whatever reason. I have learned to listen to that voice even if it may not be logical. Maybe she just needs more time to focus on herself? That's perfectly okay. We all don't have to be in relationships to be complete people. I hate that society tells us that we do though.

[jenstar]

I agree doglove and I've told her as much. It's hard to see her so torn up about it when it seems like the answer is so simple. I suspect she met him because there's something to be learned there about what is important to her in a relationship.

She's 35 and wants kids but I think she has a tendency to ask lots of people for input and then she takes it all to heart and it's impossible to make a decision. She is in therapy thankfully. I wish I could do more.

[doglove]

I can relate @jenstar! She sounds like me, haha!! It's hard to turn off that constant questioning and looking for other people to make the decisions for you when that's your internal program. Definitely uncomfortable until you get the hang of knowing who you are and making the decisions for yourself.

[statlerwaldorf]

I don't know if there definitely needs to be a spark, but I think it makes things easier. It has been helpful for us to get that connection back when things get rough. It's not something I had in my first marriage.

Otoh I think she might not be ready for a relationship for whatever reason and that might hold her back from having a connection.

Is she open to counseling? It's always been more helpful for me than friends or family. They know what questions to ask to get down to what the issue is.

[jenstar]

I agree statlerwaldorf. I think she's decided that she needs the spark there and she is ok with that. I think she's planning to tell him as much on the weekend.

She is in therapy which is good, but I suspect her habit of asking everyone their opinion and over analyzing all of their thoughts plus her own is a hard one to break. When she texted me earlier this week her opening line was "maybe I'm not ready" which is something I've said to her previously.

Her last "real" boyfriend was my xh (how we met) and I know it's taken a lot of time to heal from that experience, in some ways he treated her worse than he ever was to me