question about only children

[georgeharrison]

I'm not interested in debating the pros and cons of being/having an only child, my question is more about how they are treated.

If you have an only child, would you give them everything that you could or would you intentionally hold some things back to kind of teach them that they can't always have everything?

Background: We recently got back from visiting my sister who has 4 kids. Their life is much different than ours (not bad, just different). The way we treat Tman is so much different. We are able to do lots of fun stuff (outings), have treats, spend a lot of time with him making sure his teeth are brushed, he's dressed handsome, we read to him a lot, spend time with him on crafts, he helps make dinner or cookies sometimes, etc.

Occasionally while we were there, I would mention something that we had done with or for Tman, and she would make a comment (not snide, just matter of fact) that she had too many kids to do that.

I am glad that we are able to spend quality time with Tman, but I have also found that he tends to expect things. He's a good boy and is always very appreciative. I mean, this kid runs out and gives me a hug and thanks me for cleaning his bathroom (seriously, almost every time), but he definitely acts entitled many times, too, especially for treats and stuff. If we see the ice cream truck, he expects that I'm going to buy him something. He doesn't throw a fit if I don't, but the expectation is what I'm concerned about.

Does it seem unhealthy or just like typical almost 7 year old behavior? Would you imagine that him being an only child adds to this?

I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. I want to do right by him. I try to not allow him to think the world revolves around him, but our world kind of does.

I know this is long and rambley and I don't think anyone on here has kids this old. I guess I'm just looking for some thoughts, an outside perspective.

[jennlin]

i, personally, don't like the idea of an only child because of that....*but* if i were in that situation, i would do my best to not make my only child spoiled..but i know it's easier said than done.

[georgeharrison]

You know that for us, it's not by choice. I would prefer if Tman were not an only child, unfortunately, we are unable to control it. I am trying my best to not make him spoiled, I'm just torn about where to draw the line, I guess. I hate to intentionally hold things back from him, you know?

[Deleted]

I think it sounds like you may have caused him to "expect" certain things, like ALWAYS getting an ice cream from the truck so you may have spoiled him a tad, but from everything you have ever shared about him, I don't think your "spoiling" has resulted in a brat. Far from it, he sounds very kind and considerate for his age. I think his expectation may be a bit disconcerting, but the fact that he DOESN'T throw any kind of fit if he doesn't get his expectation tells me that he is, in fact, NOT spoiled and well behaved. I don't think you need to worry too much as long as he continues behaving even if what he expects doesn't occur.

[jennlin]

exactly. i know you don't *want* to spoil him, but i know that it's nearly impossible, especially since you don't need to be "fair" between siblings. and yah, i know it's not intentional that he's an only child...

[picksthemusic]

May 17, 2012 15:26:48 GMT -5 @ksta said:

I think it sounds like you may have caused him to "expect" certain things, like ALWAYS getting an ice cream from the truck so you may have spoiled him a tad, but from everything you have ever shared about him, I don't think your "spoiling" has resulted in a brat. Far from it, he sounds very kind and considerate for his age. I think his expectation may be a bit disconcerting, but the fact that he DOESN'T throw any kind of fit if he doesn't get his expectation tells me that he is, in fact, NOT spoiled and well behaved. I don't think you need to worry too much as long as he continues behaving even if what he expects doesn't occur.

This, exactly. But I'd add that you may want to start instilling in him some things about the fact that there are people in the world who don't have very much, if anything, to call their own. Maybe this holiday season take him to a soup kitchen and have him help serve food or something? Or help him collect toys for other less-fortunate kids? That way he knows that other people aren't as lucky and blessed as he is and need help.

[georgeharrison]

May 17, 2012 16:07:43 GMT -5 picksthemusic said:

May 17, 2012 15:26:48 GMT -5 @ksta said:

I think it sounds like you may have caused him to "expect" certain things, like ALWAYS getting an ice cream from the truck so you may have spoiled him a tad, but from everything you have ever shared about him, I don't think your "spoiling" has resulted in a brat. Far from it, he sounds very kind and considerate for his age. I think his expectation may be a bit disconcerting, but the fact that he DOESN'T throw any kind of fit if he doesn't get his expectation tells me that he is, in fact, NOT spoiled and well behaved. I don't think you need to worry too much as long as he continues behaving even if what he expects doesn't occur.

This, exactly. But I'd add that you may want to start instilling in him some things about the fact that there are people in the world who don't have very much, if anything, to call their own. Maybe this holiday season take him to a soup kitchen and have him help serve food or something? Or help him collect toys for other less-fortunate kids? That way he knows that other people aren't as lucky and blessed as he is and need help.

We do this. We talk to him a lot about that kind of stuff and we always do stuff at the holidays - if only a toy for tots.

[sarack]

i'd totally want to spoil my kid but wouldn't want to deal with an entitled spoiled brat. i think that some of the things that you've mentioned about tman makes it seem like he is spoiled. but most children are that i know. i rmeember when my nephew was younger and every time they went to the store he got something.. it was just weird. i don't plan to do that with my children. i do however think the entitlement thing is because you've made it a habit and when it doesn't happen he wonders why the hell you're not doing it this time.

i really don't want only children because althought i wasn't an only child, i was very lonely. obviously if we can't help it, that's one thing, but if we can, we won't. all only children i know are spoiled to this day.

[Deleted]

From the perspective of an only child (who loves being an only child) I was totally spoiled as a child....ok and well pretty much now too. However, my parents would make me work for things. My mom used to own her own business and I spent most of my summers there helping out with whatever little tasks she needed. If I wanted something I'd have to barter some sort of task, grade on a test, whatever for it. I usually didn't just get things for nothing.

My parents used to put me in lots of activities where I had to be around other kids too. I usually had 3-4 after school activities a week. My mom would never step in to squabbles that I had with other kids and made me figure out how to deal with it when I didn't get my way.

However, it sounds like what you're going through is pretty normal. I have an 8 year old cousin and while she's not an only child she's the baby girl of the family. Shes super smart and can be a weasel about trying to get her way. Shes so sweet and cute though that it's hard not to give in.

[bettylou79]

I'm also an only child but I was raised by a single mom. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. I don't think that I was the stereo typical only child. I wanted the brand name stuff like any kid but I didn't get it. I had to wait and work for it or decide if I really wanted it. I was involved in a service organization from the time that I was 12 until I was 19. I worked with other people my age in that organization. I feel like I always related better with people who were older than me and didn't really like super immature people because I was around adults a lot! So, I'm a pretty serious person, with some random fun thrown in. I've also noticed that I'm pretty responsible. As a kid I was always chosen as the group leader, not because I appointed myself but because people noticed that I was doing the work and usually got good grades and wasn't bossy.
My mom always jokes that I missed out on having an older brother to pick on me and tease me. Those are things that only siblings can do and teach you how to cope with.
I don't know if I've helped you but I do agree that he should be involved in activities with other kids so he can work with them.
My roommate in college was an only child. She was the stereotypical only child. All she had to do was mention that she wanted something and she got it. Like she mentioned that our apartment didn't have a washer and dryer and how we would have to go to the neighbors house to do laundry. Yup! Her parents ordered one from Sears and it was delivered to us a few days later! Did I mention we lived in Spokane and her parents were over here? Wow! Also, she says that she wants a Cobalt Blue Kitchen Aid Mixer and ta da! She got one for Christmas in college! This all drove me batshit!