Honestly, it sounds like your fiance has been with way too many women in his life and that usually causes problems for relationships and intimacy.
L O L
This is so horrible and just really fucking stupid to boot. Like there's a limited number of partners a person can have and once they go over they're not fit for a healthy monogamous relationship? Gimme a fucking break.
I married a man who wasn't into having sex with me. Well, he was into me as a vagina but not into me as a person. I ignored it and thought he'd drop his walls over time and be able to emotionally connect. Newp. Never happened. It got very bad. He made fun of me too for needing things like kissing and cuddling. I wish to God I had listened to my gut back then and called it off. But no, I decided to throw 6 more years at the relationship. It still ended. I started over as a 30 year old divorcee, which is decidedly not awesome. And yet, I landed on my feet and discovered that better people exist in this world. My BF is one of them.
This guy has a mean streak. He enjoys belittling you in an incredibly intimate way. You don't deserve that, and trust me when I say it will get worse. You will become so beaten down that you will think he's right. He'll go after your self esteem in other ways too, after this stops being such a novelty. He is showing you who he is right now and you need to pay attention.
Don't marry a man who laughs at you. He's supposed to be your partner, not your enemy.
I think all of the advice you got here was spot on. Why would you even consider marrying someone like this? You deserve to be in a relationship where you are valued and respected.
Does it suck to call it off, sure, but it's better than marrying this guy and then waking up one day and realizing you will now have to go through a court battle to claim half of your stuff.
Get out now, people will understand and will support you!
Post by leninacrowne on May 17, 2012 17:10:03 GMT -5
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the encouragement. The fact is, no one I know IRL would even believe any of this if I told them about it - we really have gotten along really well to this point, and there's definitely an impression amongst my friends and family that he's "perfect for me," so I'm pretty sure that no matter how I explain it, I'm going to get zero understanding or support for the unmitigated disaster that's about to unfold. I think that's why he's trying to push me to be the one to call it off instead of calling it off himself, so that I can be the bad guy. I hate my life right now.
Maybe its just me, but I can't imagine not knowing my H's number, or even a solid ball park guess....
And I know it's kind of beside the point now, but I really have never cared. I know about all of his past significant relationships, and I do have a general impression of how he conducted himself between relationships, so the actual number of lays just isn't something I ever felt a need to ask about. Maybe that's where I went wrong?
Don't underestimate your friends and family. I think most of us realize that we only peek through the window at someone's relationship and we have no idea what goes on between them when no one is around-- for better or worse.
The people that love you don't love you because you are with him. They genuiely want you to be happy. Whatever it takes to make you happy, they are going to be cool with.
I've got to start thinking about dinner now, but please stick around. Update us on your situation and join in on some of the other conversations, too. I hate it when people just disappear!
I would bet that when you decide to call off the wedding, you'll hear from people IRL that they are glad you made that decision....people who love you rarely tell you that they don't like your SO. People will surprise you and often see things you choose not to see. They may also surprise you by how supportive they will be.
Look, if you tell your friends and family that your FI said he wanted to call off the wedding (which is true) they aren't going to pester you and be assholes. Don't assume you'll get zero understanding or support. And don't feel like you have to explain to them what happened--just throw the douche under the bus because that's sort of what he's doing to you!
And yes, please do stick around and keep us updated. I'm sure it seems like everything is terrible and the rug has been pulled out from under you, but you deserve so much more than what you're getting right now.
Him not being the right guy =/= the right guy doesn't exist.
If he was the right guy, he wouldn't have any doubts about marrying you, and he wouldn't laugh at you when you try to have sex with him.
I agree with this.
He seems to be a controlling, manipulative, and deeming jackass. My ex thought it would be fun to point out my faults in bed and then ask, why can't I do what they do in porn, then he moved on to, why can't you look like that. He is my ex for many reasons.
He has a pattern of not being able to stay in a committed relationship, he bounces around. It may seem hardhearted, but his thrill with being with you could have worn off and he is ready to move on, but he doesn't want to do the dirty work. So, he is pushing for you do it so he can be the victim. He is manipulating the situation.
You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. If y'all did get married, he would probably cheat on you many times, and the verbal abuse to you would escalate. Save your self the heart break and money later with a divorce and dump him now.
Look, if you tell your friends and family that your FI said he wanted to call off the wedding (which is true) they aren't going to pester you and be assholes. Don't assume you'll get zero understanding or support. And don't feel like you have to explain to them what happened--just throw the douche under the bus because that's sort of what he's doing to you!
And yes, please do stick around and keep us updated. I'm sure it seems like everything is terrible and the rug has been pulled out from under you, but you deserve so much more than what you're getting right now.
Hell, even if you do take the blame for being the one to call off the wedding, most of your family is going to be supportive that you just avoided making the worst mistake of your life.
Honestly, it sounds like your fiance has been with way too many women in his life and that usually causes problems for relationships and intimacy.
Dude, this is ridiculous. I was no prude before getting married, that does not mean I now have issues with intimacy or relationships. Just dumb.
My first instinct is that he found someone else. He pulled away and worked long hours on a project and now suddenly thinks you don't "do it" right? Or maybe he suddenly realized this isn't what he wants and is an asshole pussy too afraid to end it himself. Or maybe deep down he is a controlling jerkwad who wants to manipulate you using sex.
None of those sound like a man I would want to marry. Also, if my H laughed at me when I tried to initiate, I would NEVER initiate again, and I would probably have to shank him.
Honestly, it sounds like your fiance has been with way too many women in his life and that usually causes problems for relationships and intimacy.
Dude, this is ridiculous. I was no prude before getting married, that does not mean I now have issues with intimacy or relationships. Just dumb.
My first instinct is that he found someone else. He pulled away and worked long hours on a project and now suddenly thinks you don't "do it" right? Or maybe he suddenly realized this isn't what he wants and is an asshole pussy too afraid to end it himself. Or maybe deep down he is a controlling jerkwad who wants to manipulate you using sex.
None of those sound like a man I would want to marry. Also, if my H laughed at me when I tried to initiate, I would NEVER initiate again, and I would probably have to shank him.
The "shank him" part has me dying. And I will try to stick around and update (although I'll admit right up front that I'm probably not going to end it nearly as quickly or cleanly as you all are advocating, even though I completely understand that you're all completely right, so you're probably going to want to smack me at some point in the next month or so).
Post by bullygirl979 on May 17, 2012 18:18:36 GMT -5
Listen, I don't care when you end it as long as you end it before your wedding day.
You deserve someone wonderful and who is going to communicate with you and be your partner. Not someone who pulls away, doesn't communicate and, even worse, laughs at you.
I assure you that your friends and family will not abandon you or blame you. When I found out that XH was cheating on me I was so ashamed that I didn't tell anyone for over 2 weeks. When I finally told people, the support was overwhelming. Your friends and family want to see you happy. They could care less if that involves breaking off a wedding 3 months prior. If I was your friend, I would be proud of you. Proud that you were true to yourself, listened to your gut and did the hard (but right) thing. Because going through with it will be the easy thing now, but I promise you it will be so much harder in the long run.
Post by missbetty1 on May 17, 2012 18:19:05 GMT -5
You have gotten some really great advice minus the amount of partners he had thingy. I recently called off my wedding too and as someone already mention I too cling to the happy feeling of being free and not having to deal with someone who wasn't right for me. When I called off my wedding you wouldn't believe how many of my friends and family was like "Oh Good we were wondering when you were going to wake up"...my mouth was wide open when they ALL said that. So you might be pleasantly surprised at the support you'll have from those close to you. I just recently came out from lurking myself and the SO board has been a huge help even while I was just lurking they are a great group of people they will definitely help you through this bump on the road!
Post by explorer2001 on May 17, 2012 19:31:26 GMT -5
You call off the wedding and consider yourself lucky to have dodged a bullet. If he is being this manipulative and emotionally abusive now, it isn't likely to get better. He says he'll call it off if you don't so he isn't invested in making it better. He's holding that over you.
You will be much better off single and happy. Much better off to find a good person to share your life with and raise kids with. See the A-ha moment post on starting over if you want to know where this leads if you go through with it. Please learn from our experiences.
Dude, this is ridiculous. I was no prude before getting married, that does not mean I now have issues with intimacy or relationships. Just dumb.
My first instinct is that he found someone else. He pulled away and worked long hours on a project and now suddenly thinks you don't "do it" right? Or maybe he suddenly realized this isn't what he wants and is an asshole pussy too afraid to end it himself. Or maybe deep down he is a controlling jerkwad who wants to manipulate you using sex.
None of those sound like a man I would want to marry. Also, if my H laughed at me when I tried to initiate, I would NEVER initiate again, and I would probably have to shank him.
The "shank him" part has me dying. And I will try to stick around and update (although I'll admit right up front that I'm probably not going to end it nearly as quickly or cleanly as you all are advocating, even though I completely understand that you're all completely right, so you're probably going to want to smack me at some point in the next month or so).
Well, you've got 3 months. The longer you wait the harder it'll be. My BFF was in the same situation as you and postponed her wedding with 4 months to go. They stayed together and tried to fix their problems before they exchanged vows. Ultimately they went their separate ways, but they were both at peace with the decision and didn't feel like their backs were up against a deadline. I've never known someone to regret the cancellation or postponement of a wedding. I have known quite a few who regretted going through with it despite those red flags and gut feelings that something wasn't right.
Post by BettyBookWorm on May 17, 2012 23:17:58 GMT -5
I think he is cheating, gay or just not ready to get married. Maybe all of the above. No matter what he is (aside from a confirmed assbag), you deserve better than him. He has outright told you he doesn't want to marry you. Believe him & if people ask say the truth. "he told me he didn't want to marry me." that is reason enough IMHO.
You deserve someone who is 100% on the same page with you about sex & how you ought to be treated. I would be so hurt if my husband LAUGHED at my attempt to seduce him. Shit, it hurts me for you to read it. Ditch him & ditch him quick. It can only get worse & you are not happy.
Post by udscoobychick on May 18, 2012 8:14:19 GMT -5
I'm a little late to the party, but I wanted to chime in as someone who had to deal with calling off a wedding.
As PP have said, experience levels shouldn't matter. BF has had ~10 more partners than me, but if there's something that I don't have a lot of experience with, he's patient with me and goes slowly, explaining what he's doing or what he would like me to do. I'm not a big fan of initiating, either, and he respects that, and appreciates and responds to the efforts that I DO make to initiate. I could maybe understand your FI laughing at your attempts if he's normally a guy who jokes around a lot, and he didn't realize that it would hurt your feelings, but telling you that you're doing it wrong is cruel, particularly when he knows it's something that you struggle with.
FWIW, XFI and I called off our wedding at 3 months out. It can be done. Whoever helped you plan can help you un-plan. My family was a godsend those first few days while I couldn't function...they called guests who had received save-the-dates, canceled vendors, etc. They packed my apartment and moved me to my new house. People WILL come out of the woodwork to help you. And don't worry about being the "bad guy"...it doesn't matter who calls it off. You haven't mentioned money, but also PLEASE don't use the excuse "but the deposits have already been paid!!!" It will be SO much more expensive to pay for the whole wedding and then a $5k divorce lawyer 3 years down the road than to lose a few deposits now.
Also, you're NOT throwing away your chance at having a family. You're still young and have plenty of time. I highly recommend the book "Is He Mr. Right?" by Mira Kirshenbaum. One of the points that she makes is that every minute you spend with someone who's NOT "Mr. Right," you're throwing away an opportunity to meet someone who IS "Mr. Right." I don't believe in the concept of a single Mr. Right, but the book makes some really good points, and I have recommended it to a lot of people.
Yes, after re-reading my comment, it did come out stupid. In my mind when I was typing this, I was thinking “player” type or men who view women as sex toys or controlling type of men. I was not thinking typical men or people in general outside of “players” type. I should have been clearer. I was gathering this information in my head based off the quotes below. While I am sorry that this comment may had came out wrong about people in general, I am not sorry that I am going to say that I think this particular guy has been with many women (according to OP, he even told her this).
This guy laughed at his girlfriend for trying and actually walked away physically. This screams manipulator and someone not communicating out of love.
Our sex life has been waning for awhile. I have tried to initiate things a few times, but once he said I was "doing it wrong" and walked away, and once he laughed at my efforts and asked if I "forgot how to do this." He claims not to remember either of these incidents, but apologized when I brought them up. My problem now is that he has said we will not have sex again unless I initiate it, and I just don't know how. Plus, I feel like, since my last two efforts were such failures, the burden is on him to tell me or show me what he wants, but he says doing that would "ruin it" and if he has to tell me what to do it just won't be sexy. "wouldn't be sexy." What so I do?
He made it a point to let her know that he is a lot way more experienced than her. Who does that? In my head, I am screaming “player”.
Kuus, he has brought this up before, and it is something I've been trying to work on (hence the two failed attempts), so he probably does have some resentment for me at this point. I really do want to try to address this, but I'm stymied by his complete unwillingness to talk about what I can do to fix the situation. He's more experienced than I am (by a lot) so I suspect he's having a hard time wrapping his head around how I'm basically functionally retarded when it comes to the bedroom.
It sounds like I need to get myself to counseling. And call off the wedding (which will be awesome). I love him, but I kind of can't stand him right now for putting me in this position.
The below quote, I actually picked up the same suspicious thoughts in the back of my head as Kruus mentioned about the possibility of him watching a lot of porn.
To me, it sounds like he's trying to get more sex and less intimacy. I don't know why and I don't think he's cheating but I do think he's magically decided that sexual gratification in a prescribed way is more important to him than having an emotional, sexual connection with you.
Some of you are going to hate this, but it certainly sounds suspiciously similar to guys who go from watching a lot of porn and whacking off to suddenly having a girlfriend.
I couldn’t help but notice these hints and made me think this guy has issues.
OP, I'm late to the party, but I wanted to offer you some more support. This is not something you should be dealing with in a relationship at any point. The fact that you're 3 months out from your wedding doesn't mean you're too late, it means you still have time to get out of this without even more mess.
You sound like calling it off isn't at all the worst thing you can think of doing, and for that alone I'm already proud of you. It will be easier than you think and you will get more support than you expect. You deserve better than this guy, that's being proven by the fact that you're willing to stand up for the relationship you want and should have and get out of this one.