Timeline for dating after divorce

[asoctoberfalls]

My divorce will be final in 3 weeks. (It moves fast in Ohio - we filed the paperwork in June). However, I was unhappy in my relationship with STBXH for many, many years. Actually, pretty much our entire 13 year marriage has been unhappy, but it got pretty bad 8 years ago and the last 2 years have been worse still. Divorce was not an option I was willing to consider, so I just figured I'd stay with him the rest of my life and hope for change. I asked for counseling and did whatever I could to make the relationship work, but he wouldn't consider outside help and never made any effort to change. He told me during the divorce process that he checked out right after we got married and never came back. He told me in early March he wanted a divorce and moved out in early April. We have a 5 year old son.

Ever since he moved out I've felt this amazing sense of freedom. I'm just so excited for the future. I'm excited that I could potentially find a partner who treats me right. However, I have had a number of people indicate to me that I need to wait at least a year after the divorce before I even consider dating again. These are people whose opinions matter to me, and I'm not sure if they're right.

I've been in individual counseling for a couple months now, and my therapist thinks it would be fine for me to move on as soon as I want to because I went through the steps of grief inside my marriage so i have already had many years to move on. She said divorce is not always the painful event - sometimes the painful event occurs many years before the divorce.

Anyway, I'm just curious what you guys think since you have BTDT. I don't want to casually date, and I'm a huge introvert so I love being alone. I have been focusing on relationships with girl friends and have been building some really great ones. So there is no void I'm trying to fill. However, there is a man I've known for years but have gotten to know much better through recent circumstances, and he's the type of person I'd like to date in the future. I am getting to know him better as a friend right now. He has no idea I'm interested and I have no clue if he's interested in me. But I feel guilty for even having these thoughts because of the comments people have made and I don't want to delude myself into thinking something is ok that's not.

What do you guys think? How long did you wait? Do you wish you'd waited longer?

[jenstar]

I haven't dated much since my divorce but I honestly think that only you can decide something like this. I don't think there's any right or wrong really. Just be aware that once you start seeing one you might have things happen that make you realize that you aren't as ready as you thought. I think that's really normal though, and some people will take a step back from dating at that point and others will work through it with their new partner. Again, no right or wrong.

I think getting to know someone slowly is a great idea especially with your DS in the picture. It sounds like you're in a good place x

ETA: I dated someone just over a year after my separation, I hadn't really considered it before that. It didn't go the way I expected but I learned a lot and I certainly don't regret waiting that long.

[doglove]

I honestly don't like when people say, I am just out of my relationship, but I was miserable for X years. Well you were miserable and stayed with that person instead of leaving for X years so there's probably more stuff to work on than just a few months worth of therapy. That's my two cents, but I agree with jenstar, only you know when you're ready.

It took me about a year and a half after me separation (we have a 1 year + a day separation period) and about 6 months after my divorce to feel like I was ready to step into the dating pool. Honestly, you have to be a shark because there are people out there trying to take advantage and hide their fu@kery so well. Make sure to you have a clear definition of what you are looking for and strong boundaries in place to be able to tell someone no and walk away when you see dealbreakers or behavior you aren't comfortable with in them or yourself. If you don't have those things in place, take time to develop them.

[asoctoberfalls]

doglove , I get what you're saying, but I didn't leave because it was against my religious beliefs. That's all. It's not because I was codependent or felt like I needed him or wouldn't be happy alone.

I do appreciate you sharing your experience!

And yes, I realize there are a lot of sharks out there. Its going to take a special kind of person for me to even have the desire to date. I've already been asked out by someone who I wouldn't ever consider in a million years. Things are a lot different now than they were 15 years ago!

[sacattack]

Its not a good answer, but I really do think it depends...

I divorced when my kids were 1 & 3 - I had them about 75% of the time. I also worked full time. My mental capacity for anything was filled just trying to take care of my children, home and my job. After a while, I adjusted to my new normal, but dating for me was scary. I decided about 18 months in that I wanted to start dating and despite it being scary and hard, I was going to do it.

So I think if you feel you are ready then you should give it a shot. Dating for me was hard and it took a while for me to figure out what kind of person would be a good match for me. 

[jenstar]

Aug 1, 2016 7:11:21 GMT -5 doglove said:

I honestly don't like when people say, I am just out of my relationship, but I was miserable for X years. Well you were miserable and stayed with that person instead of leaving for X years so there's probably more stuff to work on than just a few months worth of therapy. That's my two cents, but I agree with jenstar, only you know when you're ready.

It took me about a year and a half after me separation (we have a 1 year + a day separation period) and about 6 months after my divorce to feel like I was ready to step into the dating pool. Honestly, you have to be a shark because there are people out there trying to take advantage and hide their fu@kery so well. Make sure to you have a clear definition of what you are looking for and strong boundaries in place to be able to tell someone no and walk away when you see dealbreakers or behavior you aren't comfortable with in them or yourself. If you don't have those things in place, take time to develop them.

This is really good advice, listen to doglove.

[Deleted]

This is very person dependent, so I'll just share my experience.

I'm pretty confident in myself, in that even though my ex was emotionally abusive I didn't let it effect me in that I knew all the hateful things he said (that I'm ugly, dumb, etc), were untrue.

So once I left I just decided to live my life, which included going out, meeting new people. This lead to dating a few guys a couple of months after we separated (our divorce wasn't finalized for over 2 years because I was living overseas, so I didn't worry about not dating until my divorce was finalized). In general, I'm a go with the flow type of person, so that's how it happened for me. If I met someone I was interested in getting to know more, I didn't let some arbitrary timeline stop me.

I've been separated for 4 years and have had 2 serious relationships. I recently moved in with my SO and we have no plans to get married but obviously see a future together.

So overall if your therapist thinks it's a good idea to date and you want to, then I wouldn't let anyone tell you it's a bad idea based on an arbitrary 1 year timeline. Overall my divorce showed me that I need to Do what makes me happy and give no shits what other people think if they want to be judgmental.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I had been unhappy for years too and given the DV situation ... I felt it was far more important to work on me and get dd adjusted to her new normal (me too!) and just get to know myself again after tucking her away for 12 years. I dipped my toes back in the dating pool in 8/2014 - 11 months after I left xh. Dating wasnt a huge priority to me (I've got full custody, no shared anything. So I've got dd 24/7. Imagine the monkey wrench that puts into dating ) but I've settled in a nice groove w a great guy and it's been going on for 6 months now ?!? I had been separated 2 1/2 years when we met (my divorce STILL isn't final grrr)

[Linie]

I agree with pp that there is no time line. If you feel confident and you do not need anyone to fill a void in your life, why not?

I was also unhappy in my marriage for a number of years and wanted to make it work against all odds. When I finally left, I was ready for new people. The first one was not great, but I had fun and since I have had two important relationships. I moved out of the house 2 years ago and had been in therapy for a long time.

In my current relationship, we are both very firm on wanting to have friends and activities alone. This means I will not disappear in a co-dependent scenario. We will not move in together. There are no (dependent) children and we're 45/59 years old.

[dancelnow]

I don't think at all that there is a hard limit. But I would caution you on when you introduce any boyfriends to your child.

[asoctoberfalls]

Aug 1, 2016 10:55:30 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

I don't think at all that there is a hard limit. But I would caution you on when you introduce any boyfriends to your child.

For sure that's a huge concern. DS is my top priority and I don't go out with anyone (including my new girlfriends) when I have DS (unless it's a play date with their kids). I have shared custody though so STBXH has DS 40% of the time. That leaves me quite a bit of time for dating when I am ready.

[carowen]

I don't have any real life advice, but IMO any timeline will be person/situation dependent. A year may be average, or typical, but by no means is it a magical date and you may be ready sooner.

IME, if these are people who are close to you perhaps they are suggesting you wait for your own best interest.

[asoctoberfalls]

@wandering , I think I'm very similar to you. I am perfectly confident in myself and I know I'd be an awesome partner. I know how I deserve to be treated, and he never treated me how I deserved. Bottom line is, I did a terrible job picking when I picked him. I know what to look for SO much more now at 36 than I did at 21, and I believe I'll do a much better job this time around. I also plan to ask friends and family to speak up if they see red flags instead of keeping them to themselves.

[asoctoberfalls]

Aug 1, 2016 11:11:36 GMT -5 carowen said:

I don't have any real life advice, but IMO any timeline will be person/situation dependent. A year may be average, or typical, but by no means is it a magical date and you may be ready sooner.

IME, if these are people who are close to you perhaps they are suggesting you wait for your own best interest.

That's a good point. I wouldn't say they're close friends, but they're older ladies in my church whose input I value. They seem to have somewhat arbitrary timelines in their minds though.

[carowen]

asoctoberfalls, if it's older ladies they may simply have a rule in mind because of their own social norms.

If nothing else, I'd probably wait until it is official since it's so soon anyway. And I feel like that "looks" better. I realize that's sort of silly, but also I wonder if STXH caught wind you were dating before everything is signed if it could negatively impact your case?

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 1, 2016 10:55:30 GMT -5 dancelnow said:

I don't think at all that there is a hard limit. But I would caution you on when you introduce any boyfriends to your child.

in the almost 3 years since xh and I split, dd has yet to meet any BF of mine.

[elfinia7]

XH and I separated last July, I moved out in September and began dating casually in October. We filed for divorce end of April (could have been much earlier but we wanted to sell the house first and then there was a comedy of errors that had us attempting to file three times before it worked out) and it became final just last month. I've been dating someone seriously since January.

I can only echo that it's person dependent. I had a sister who felt I should wait a year until I dated but had no real reason other then that seemed like the right time. I clearly ignored her opinion.

Only you know what works for you. Just be smart about it, take it slow and go in with eyes wide open to the experience.

[bg]

I'll agree with the no set timeline response. I started a casual 'thing' with someone about two weeks after my divorce was final and we recently ended things. For me, I think it was too soon. I know I need to get some other things in order in my life before I start thinking about dating and that part of my life. However, I'm getting the opposite reaction as you are from friends and family -- 'why aren't you dating?, don't you want to meet a nice guy?' because the end of my marriage was so drawn out and pretty ridiculous. But I know I need to listen to me (and my therapist!) and not them. Do what works for you.

[stephreloaded]

I think that while there is not a hard timeline, there are things that are needed to work on before starting with someone new. Just to start, even if you were done with your marriage years ago, you still don't know how you will react to being on your own for example. A serious relationship changes you and you need time to learn who you are. I am a go with the flow type of person but unless it was the man of my dreams in front of me, I would wait a bit more to be serious with someone.

[redshoejune]

I have been divorced for 18 months and haven't been on any dates. Meanwhile, my x is getting remarried in a couple weeks.
I will say that after a year I felt a lot more ready. I have tried out online dating a little, but have never gone beyond exchanging a few messages.
If you think you are ready maybe test it out and pull the plug if it doesn't seem right.

[Deleted]

I agree there is no set timeline. I think the best guideline I could recommend would be to date when you feel like you're in a good place. Not when you're looking to fill a void from not having a partner, not when you're feeling bad about yourself and need attention to boost your self esteem, etc. But when you feel happy with your life as it is and just want to meet new people.

I waited about 8 months after my XH and I split before joining a couple of online dating sites. I did meet another guy on a vacation who I really connected with (and kissed!) and that kind of got me interested in seeing what's out there. I got really lucky and met my current FI very quickly after joining the dating sites. I am not sure I would have said I was looking for a serious relationship at that point - I was enjoying my freedom and my life - but I met the right person and it worked out that way. I guess "on paper" I would have said to wait a little longer before getting serious with someone, but almost 3 years later I'm very happy that things worked out they way they did. So, my point being, it's going to vary depending on the person, the people you meet, etc. Just make sure you stay true to yourself and what you want, and I don't think there is a wrong answer.