Facebook was the last straw for me! XH had moved out and we were "working on it", which just meant I begged and pleaded for him to work on our marriage and he lived the life of a single dude who only had to parent a few days a week. I had logged onto FB and saw that the number of friends had increased by one, but when I counted the friends it was one less than what FB said. I had my friend, who was also FB friends with him, look and sure enough he had added his gf (but she had blocked me so I couldn't see her even though the number went up). That was it and it literally snapped in my head "this is fucking stupid" and I was done.
Post by turtle1120 on Sept 6, 2012 15:44:21 GMT -5
We had arguments two days back-to-back. During the first one he called me a worthless piece of shit (mind you I was pregnant with his child at the time, we were living in the condo that I owned, and I made significantly more money than him). During the argument the next day he told me that no one would ever want to marry me. I was done and kicked him out that night. Obviously these weren't the first two instances of verbal and emotional abuse, but they were certainly the last!
When I was with my ex-FI, we had one last marriage counseling session and were talking on the couch afterwards. I was trying to get him to understand that I wanted to be his partner and support system, like he was for me. Basically he had this warped relationship w/ his mother, and he turned to me and said, "Well so you mean you could be like my mom? You can help me make my decisions and tell me what I need to do?" And at that moment I realized at this point in this life he could not be the equal partner I was looking for in a relationship/marriage.
I think about three days later I broke up with him and ended the engagement.
Finding meth, needles, and a burnt spoon in his truck along with an assortment pack of condoms (twisted pleasure variety pack)
Seeing Craiglist Casual Encounters emails on a morning he was supposed to meet me for an obgyn appt.
Realizing he had another cell phone with a voicemail on it from another woman saying she "missed him".
This was all on a Thursday morning. The night before I'd been up until 4am and we'd been in a screaming fight. I remember him yelling at me and I was curled in the fetal position, kind of "protecting" my eight month pregnant belly.
Finding meth, needles, and a burnt spoon in his truck along with an assortment pack of condoms (twisted pleasure variety pack)
Seeing Craiglist Casual Encounters emails on a morning he was supposed to meet me for an obgyn appt.
Realizing he had another cell phone
This was all on a Thursday morning. The night before I'd been up until 4am and we'd been in a screaming fight. I remember him yelling at me and I was curled in the fetal position, kind of "protecting" my eight month pregnant belly.
Yup, it was time to end the marriage.
Ugh achase, this makes me sick to my stomach. I'm glad you got away from that.
Post by bullygirl979 on Sept 6, 2012 15:51:10 GMT -5
He wanted to go out with his friends to a party which I didn't want to attend. My assumption was he was going to go at 4p when he got out of work. I found out that he left work at 2p to go over. I begged him to come home at a reasonable hour because I had a lot of anxiety about him going out drinking (because that is when he cheated previously) and I fought tooth and nail with him until we agreed he would come home by 1am at the latest. I told him about my anxiety and begged him to come home sooner. He said he "would see". He came home piss ass drunk at 12:45pm and wanted praise to high heaven because he was being "so thoughtful" and coming home early.
I am embarrassed as I write this because of how stupid I was. SMH.
Finding meth, needles, and a burnt spoon in his truck along with an assortment pack of condoms (twisted pleasure variety pack)
Seeing Craiglist Casual Encounters emails on a morning he was supposed to meet me for an obgyn appt.
Realizing he had another cell phone
This was all on a Thursday morning. The night before I'd been up until 4am and we'd been in a screaming fight. I remember him yelling at me and I was curled in the fetal position, kind of "protecting" my eight month pregnant belly.
Yup, it was time to end the marriage.
Ugh achase, this makes me sick to my stomach. I'm glad you got away from that.
It's so crazy to think I ever was living that life. It wasn't always that bad by any means but it's weird to think that things deteriorated to that incredibly low point. I don't even know who that girl was when I think back on it.
I remember just a week before (this SHOULD have been the dealbreaker) when I found texts between him and another woman and I was so messed up that I wound up begging him not to leave. I was actually sitting in the back of his truck so he would go. He had wrestled the keys out of my hand because I was trying to keep him from leaving. I am not sure what I was doing; I think I must've been half crazy at that point. I should've thrown those keys at him and changed the locks right when I found out.
The day we separated, I found a text from the girl he had cheated on me with. He claimed they were only friends and she was giving him advice so that we could save our marriage. A was 1 month old.
The day he said he wanted a divorce, I was reconciling our checkbook since we still had a joint account and I was on maternity leave and noticed a charge made by him up north by where he works the day before, on his day off. That is a 30 min drive from where he was staying, I lived half way in between. Earlier that morning, he had asked me to pick him up for whatever we were doing that night, I think decorating my house for Halloween, because he didn't feel safe driving his truck yet. Something about the brakes being fixed several days prior and something wasn't right. I asked him about the charge and he lied saying he went for a drive. I always knew when he lied and called him on it. He admitted to meeting up with the OW and a friend of hers for lunch. He had promised me he would not see her as long as we were trying to save our marriage. I finally realized that he did not want to save us, and confronted him. We had a fight and I yelled and gave him back his wedding ring.
It was only a BF, but we were living together and talking marriage.
I blame Judge Judy for our break-up.
His friend was having a destination wedding and he couldn't/wouldn't book it, so I did it for him - and secured everything on my credit card even though we agreed to split it and pay our own way. Since he was horrible with money and maxed out his credit card, he was going to silently let me pay the whole damn thing and I was supposed to go along with that. Until I watched Judge Judy scream at the 100th ex-girlfriend for putting her ex-boyfriends bills on her credit card - while the ex-boyfriend said it was "a gift" and didn't need to be paid back. "How dumb are you? You just paid for HIS trip?? And you didn't write down an agreement for repayment- you didn'tr even discuss it? Or make him give you anything for it??" Ding, ding, ding.
So, when the travel agent called to authorize making a full payment on my credit card, I asked him how he was going to pay for his half of the trip.
He completely blew up and walked out. Whole thing fell apart. Thank g*d.
Ugh achase, this makes me sick to my stomach. I'm glad you got away from that.
It's so crazy to think I ever was living that life. It wasn't always that bad by any means but it's weird to think that things deteriorated to that incredibly low point. I don't even know who that girl was when I think back on it.
I remember just a week before (this SHOULD have been the dealbreaker) when I found texts between him and another woman and I was so messed up that I wound up begging him not to leave. I was actually sitting in the back of his truck so he would go. He had wrestled the keys out of my hand because I was trying to keep him from leaving. I am not sure what I was doing; I think I must've been half crazy at that point. I should've thrown those keys at him and changed the locks right when I found out.
My situation wasn't as bad as yours, but I put up with far more than I should have mostly because I was pregnant and terrified of being a single mom. I thought I needed him. Turns out I didn't need him at all!
It's so crazy to think I ever was living that life. It wasn't always that bad by any means but it's weird to think that things deteriorated to that incredibly low point. I don't even know who that girl was when I think back on it.
I remember just a week before (this SHOULD have been the dealbreaker) when I found texts between him and another woman and I was so messed up that I wound up begging him not to leave. I was actually sitting in the back of his truck so he would go. He had wrestled the keys out of my hand because I was trying to keep him from leaving. I am not sure what I was doing; I think I must've been half crazy at that point. I should've thrown those keys at him and changed the locks right when I found out.
My situation wasn't as bad as yours, but I put up with far more than I should have mostly because I was pregnant and terrified of being a single mom. I thought I needed him. Turns out I didn't need him at all!
When I think back about that time and about those of us who went through our separation and divorce when we were pregnant it makes me sad. I have a feeling I will have some serious issues when it comes to being pregnant again (if I have more children). it was such a stressful, difficult time. I think mostly I just felt incredibly vulnerable and at his mercy because I was in a different physical and emotional state of mind.
I don't think it's stupid, but here's what happened the night I left him.
We went out with my family for my sister's 21st birthday. Of course, xh got drunk, we got into a fight, he was cussing and yelling at me on the street, in front of everyone, including my whole family. I was totally humiliated. He got into a cab and took off, and I decided I was done.
My situation wasn't as bad as yours, but I put up with far more than I should have mostly because I was pregnant and terrified of being a single mom. I thought I needed him. Turns out I didn't need him at all!
When I think back about that time and about those of us who went through our separation and divorce when we were pregnant it makes me sad. I have a feeling I will have some serious issues when it comes to being pregnant again (if I have more children). it was such a stressful, difficult time. I think mostly I just felt incredibly vulnerable and at his mercy because I was in a different physical and emotional state of mind.
I agree. I get so scared at the thought of getting pregnant again. I know all of my issues were stress related, brought on by him. I spent so much of it worried about how I looked because of comments he made, and worried about losing him because of his affair.
Post by explorer2001 on Sept 6, 2012 16:18:49 GMT -5
He came back in the middle of our trial separation to "take care of me" after I had surgery. He tried to rip a surgical drain out and reopen an incision.
Yes that was when I was done, not when our marriage counselor told me I'd either divorce him or die likely at his hand, not when I found the pictures of him with OW, etc. It's really sad but its true.
Post by dakotadangerdog on Sept 6, 2012 16:27:25 GMT -5
Him calling me drunk at 2am, calling me a cunt, telling me to pick him up and take him home, driving home drunk after I refused, screaming at me for hours, and then yelling in my face that he'd been fucking my best friend.
This behavior was only slightly worse than the norm. I was too scared to leave him because I thought all of the other shit that he did wasn't bad enough (it totally was).
Post by redredwine on Sept 6, 2012 16:37:16 GMT -5
Hmm...I don't really know since I wasn't the one who chose to end it. (this seems to be a pattern in my relationships)
I do, however, remember one of our last arguements. I was training for a half marathon, so it was after a work day and I had plans to run as I needed to fit in a short run. He made plans for us to go his friends house (little did I know at the time, but weeks later, he'd call that "friend" his girlfriend). I said "Well, I really need to fit in a run and how about I cut it short and we'll get there at 6:30 instead of 6. It's not a "set" time that we HAD to be there and we're always late anyways". It was a compromise. Turned into a HUGE fight and spiraled into me never supporting him (um...so not the case, but obviously he was harboring resentment towards me for something and it came out during a stupid fight over a run). I said "fine, I won't go" then he got mad. I said "Fine, I will go" and he got mad...that was pretty common. I mean, because who fights about a run? I remember how livid he was and looking back, there were so many other things going on wtih that one arguemnet but it made no sense to me at the time.
It was an argument over a cup of ramen a week before Xmas and that's when we decided to divorce. A friend was housebound and hungry so when I ran to the store for more eggs I was going to drop some off to her because that's what She requested when I asked if she needed anything. Earlier that day I had asked STBXH to run to the store for eggs and he hadn't so that's why. My hand wa on the door knob to leave and he was like "no, I'll do it otherwise you'll bitch about it all might that I didn't go to the store". He then bitched and bitched about having to drop the ramen off to my friend. Like nonstop. He went on and on about how valuable his time was and how lazy my friend was. He still thinks he's "right".
I had already decided in my mind months before if he said he wanted a divorce again then I was going to agree. I knew long before that we weren't going to make it but I was trying to finish school first. That was THE argument that ended it though. Now he wants to work things out. Ugh.
I remember sitting at the kitchen table, sobbing and begging him to go to counseling while he just sat there like a stone. I was practically choking on my lunch and apologizing for everything I'd ever done and finally a light-bulb went off in my head. It was so weird, I could practically see it and I just knew that I deserved better, no matter what I'd done, I was trying to make it right and for him to sit there and stonewall me was too much.
Darkangel - hugs. I'm sorry you went through that. I *know* how scary it is. I'm do glad we both got away and got safe.
I wish no one else knew how scary this was. For a long time after that every little noise in or outside of my house would set me off make me think that he was coming back for me. I'm so happy for all of us that were able to get out of these situations.
I definitely went through that phase, couldn't sleep thinking he'd break in, every sound and every phone call made me jump. I still sleep with my boken by my bed.
I decided that I wanted to be part of the solution so I started volunteering with a DV shelter, mostly mentoring other survivors. Slowly but surely I can see things changing for these women.
It's funny all the crazy things we did. I seriously hated the person I was with xH. His douchiness made me a angry person and I wish I had listened to the red flags.
Even though he filed when things were good between us, I knew I wanted to divorce him that one night. I was watching TV and he was on his laptop in the same room. He was laughing. During the commercial break I came next to him to to see what was funny (I assumed it was an article from the Onion or something similar) and he closed a lot of tabs on his computer. It was a red flag for me. I knew he had closed a tab of him talking to his guy friend (very nice guy and a geek) and asked him about it. It escalated (on his part) like WHOA!!! We ended up having a huge argument with him telling me what a horrible person I was for wanting to know about his friend's sex life to gossip it to the whole town. It was so ridiculous that it was even more suspicious. Like I would gossip about this guy who nobody knows in a town where I didn't know anybody. I was seriously wondering if he didn't have some mental illness because it was extremely bizarre. I found out it was because he was a bad liar.
The geek friend told me what they were talking about because he felt caught in the middle since xH left that night to live with him for a week . He said that they went to xH's best friend's town to party and they were woken up at 7am by guys doing drugs. The only reason why xH didn't tell me this IMO is because it would validate why his best friend is a shitty guy (it's the same guy that kept cheating on his GFs that I talked about in Achase's bachelor party post).
I still don't know if this was the whole story given the overreaction on xH's part but I decided I was done. I couldn't trust that guy anymore.
Explorer and darkangel :: super big hugs to you both. I too know what thats like.
Mine was when we got in an argument, dont even remember what anymore, and he tried to lock me in the bedroom with my 11/2 yr old. He tied the outside doorknob with some sort of rope. I kept working on the door to get out and he got mad and came in and shoved me on the bed. In my struggle to get him off me, i ended up on the floor between the wall and the bed. He stomped on mym chest with his boot and I thought I was gonna die. I could not get my breathe for the longest time and the whole time this happened , my son was laying on the bed seeing the whole thing. I looked at him while I struggled to get my air and told myself there was no way I was raising my son to see/live/ or treat anyone this way. I left that night and never looked back and never regretted anything.
I will also never forget the look on his face when he was choking me. I didnt recognize him and couldnt understand why someone who said he loved me so much could actually look at me while trying to choke the life out of me.
We got into a fight about tomatoes. He moved me out of the way so he could chop tomatoes for dinner because I was doing it wrong. Obviously the fight that ensued was not about tomatoes but much bigger issues that were never resolved in our relationship. But, when we started to fight about every.single.thing I knew I was done. I begged to cover shifts at work and to hang with friends, I signed up for rec sports and volunteer opportunities just so I could be out of the house. I was a miserable person when he was around.