Intro Hello

[bluehydrangea]

Hello, I've been lurking for a while and have found a lot of comfort in this group. I've posted before about my marriage issues on thebump. Long story very very short, I've been having issues with my H for years. He has had a major problem with alcohol and was also not supportive at all when I had post-partum depression with our youngest. He never really seemed to put our family and our marriage as a priority. I've been very vocal about my feelings and problems with his behavior, but never had the balls to follow through. I worked up the courage and strength to finally tell him I'd had enough back in March (I told him I wanted to separate)  and he has improved immensely. He's cut way down on his drinking and is taking a very active role with the kids and me. It's what I've always wanted. The saying, "too little too late" has so much meaning to me now. We just started marriage counseling a few weeks ago. I just feel a complete lack of trust for him. I also don't feel any feeling for him anymore. I feel annoyed and angered by his presence. I feel depressed, distracted, and trapped. We have two children, ages seven and four. We've been married ten years. I don't know what I'm looking for here, but I can't believe how hard this is. I keep hoping I'll feel something, but I just don't. My husband is devastated, assumes responsibility for his actions, and thinks he can "win me back." 

I'm not starting over officially as of yet, but I find myself relating more and more to the posts on here. They give me courage and help with not feeling so alone. 

So in short, hello. :-)

[cuddlyevil]

I am sorry that you have found yourself here, but welcome.

[abcdefu]

Welcome! I am sorry you found yourself here. Please keep in mind that it is okay to be done. Sometimes a change in behavior cannot erase all of the drinking, lack of support, and broken trust. It sounds like you are 'on edge' just waiting for him to break your trust, mess up, or something so that it would be easier to end it. This was me with my ex-h. I was waiting for him to screw up and when I caught him having an affair, I felt it was my out. You don't need an out. The fact that you are unhappy is enough. I'm sorry if I am way off base!

Hugs to you!

[bluehydrangea]

Yes!! You are so right. I guess now that he is changed, I feel guilty for not being completely head over heels for him. I feel relief when he "messes up" and justified. It's just so many confusing feelings. It feels good to hear that my happiness matters. I guess I'm just so used to putting everyone else first.

[racegrrl714]

I agree with abcdefu, it's definitely enough to be "done." I was "done" years before we actually separated. I may be just starting on the journey of separation and divorce, but I feel much happier now than I have in years.

[asoctoberfalls]

Welcome! I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it's very supportive.

[nextbigthing]

I'm sorry you're here but welcome!

I could have written this post, I know how you feel, especially with the loss of trust.

I will say once I finally kicked him out (after I came home from work to find him drunk while caring for my toddler), it was like a huge weight off my shoulders.

I hope you get to that same point, it's really hard, but it will get better.

Welcome and hugs

[glynn]

Welcome, sorry you find yourself here. I was so done way before I left I first marriage. Your happiness means a lot.