Vent/When will I learn

[Deleted]

One of our many issues is H's inability to prioritize me/us in his life. We constantly argued over his need to work/socialize/work out/etc above spending time with me or doing family stuff. Always being late, canceling, wanting to go out all the time, etc. This was like, the crux of our separating (with cheating and other stuff thrown in).

He was away with friends this weekend, so I boxed up the rest of his stuff and reorganized, and it was very cathartic for me.  He was supposed to come by last night to get the last boxes (and see the baby), and I didn't hear from him all day until he texted me in the evening saying he wasn't going to come until the next night (tonight).  In the middle of the night, he texted me that he was having doubts about the separation.  Then, he shows up this morning as I'm trying to leave for work, all teary eyed, and acted super offended when I nicely asked him to get the rest of his things and in the future please give me a heads up when he plans to stop by so I know he's coming.

We talk this morning on the phone, I tell him we're doing the right thing, yada yada yada, but I agree to meet him for lunch downtown (near both of our offices) to talk about setting up times for him to come see the baby and stuff like that.  I am very firm in our decision but I was feeling badly to see him sad, and I didn't want to be harsh and I'm trying to be super friendly.

THEN HE TEXTS ME TO CANCEL LUNCH. Something came up and he's having lunch with a co-worker instead. How's that for affirmation? 

[kanga1]

Look at it this way, shenanigans like this should help you not feel so sad or guilty because he keeps re-enforcing the fact that he will NEVER change!

[doglove]

This reminds me so much of my marriage, nope. Just no. Not always what he wants, when he wants it and on his terms. Nope.

[brooke77]

He'd prefer to have lunch with a coworker than to meet you to arrange a schedule to see his baby? You're right. That's affirmation that he will never prioritize you and your family. Sorry, he's being difficult though; even though it's affirmed it doesn't make it hurt less.

[Deleted]

Aug 8, 2016 12:57:56 GMT -5 brooke77 said:

He'd prefer to have lunch with a coworker than to meet you to arrange a schedule to see his baby? You're right. That's affirmation that he will never prioritize you and your family. Sorry, he's being difficult though; even though it's affirmed it doesn't make it hurt less.

Yes. Apparently it had to get to the point of ridiculousness, 11 years in, for me to get it. 

[Deleted]

Good for you for staying firm. I believe someone on this board wouldn't open the door for her xh if he did not give notice he was coming over.

For your custody agreement, my sister has a clause of two week heads up if a visitation will be or will not be used. If he's flaky, it may be helpful to add in something like this or a 48 hr notice of change, etc etc. My sister's is written for long distance so her XH gets 12 visitations a year, 6 in his state and 6 in her state. Her XH only ever takes the 6 at his house.

[Deleted]

Aug 8, 2016 13:40:00 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Good for you for staying firm. I believe someone on this board wouldn't open the door for her xh if he did not give notice he was coming over.

For your custody agreement, my sister has a clause of two week heads up if a visitation will be or will not be used. If he's flaky, it may be helpful to add in something like this or a 48 hr notice of change, etc etc. My sister's is written for long distance so her XH gets 12 visitations a year, 6 in his state and 6 in her state. Her XH only ever takes the 6 at his house.

He moved out over a week ago, but left so much of his stuff here that he was coming back everyday and even wanting to shower and dress here. It's like he wanted to have one foot in, one foot out.

He's looking at places in our neighborhood, and in most circumstances, I'd be fine with a quick text if he had time to stop in and see her. If I'm home I'm not likely to say no. But don't tell me you're NOT coming over, then come over, then be all hurt that I'm annoyed.

[nextbigthing]

nope nope nope

you did the right thing, do not engage him in this crap (I struggle with this too, it's hard to ignore, but you have to)

[LoveBug]

He sounds a lot like my ex. I later learned he likes to think he is in control of it all and have the last word. I'm sorry you are dealing with this too.

[stephreloaded]

Aug 8, 2016 13:40:00 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Good for you for staying firm. I believe someone on this board wouldn't open the door for her xh if he did not give notice he was coming over.

For your custody agreement, my sister has a clause of two week heads up if a visitation will be or will not be used. If he's flaky, it may be helpful to add in something like this or a 48 hr notice of change, etc etc. My sister's is written for long distance so her XH gets 12 visitations a year, 6 in his state and 6 in her state. Her XH only ever takes the 6 at his house.

I think this is something that would be very helpful. I would expect for him to start missing visitation on the regular. I would just be surprised to have some free time whenever he feels he has nothing better to do and decides to see his baby.

I do find it really funny though. Dude is not that bright. IF I where to cancel seeing my STBXW to ask her to take me back, the LAST thing I would say is that. I would make up better shit to get out of it.

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2016 14:45:21 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

Aug 8, 2016 13:40:00 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Good for you for staying firm. I believe someone on this board wouldn't open the door for her xh if he did not give notice he was coming over.

For your custody agreement, my sister has a clause of two week heads up if a visitation will be or will not be used. If he's flaky, it may be helpful to add in something like this or a 48 hr notice of change, etc etc. My sister's is written for long distance so her XH gets 12 visitations a year, 6 in his state and 6 in her state. Her XH only ever takes the 6 at his house.

I think this is something that would be very helpful. I would expect for him to start missing visitation on the regular. I would just be surprised to have some free time whenever he feels he has nothing better to do and decides to see his baby.

I do find it really funny though. Dude is not that bright. IF I where to cancel seeing my STBXW to ask her to take me back, the LAST thing I would say is that. I would make up better shit to get out of it.

Agreed.