Intro and question

[hawtdog]

Hi all,

I don't really know where to start so I guess I'll just plunge in. I'm married and have two daughters - 4 & 6. It's actually my second marriage.

I met my current DH just as I was splitting from my 1st. He was simply wonderful then. He truly was wooing me.

Now 2 kids later and we couldn't be further apart. He works a lot (from home) and even when he isn't working he spends most of his time outside smoking and / or playing computer games. His relationship with our kids is really poor. If he has them and I'm not home he just has them watch tv. He and I don't really talk anymore, we haven't had sex in well over a year - maybe 2.

So I had a dream we were getting divorced. I told him I had a dream and he was shocked and asked if that was what I wanted. I told him no but that we are the most distant we've ever been. We agreed to go see our old therapist and have an appointment next week.

Problem is we've been to therapy before. It's always the same core issues and I just don't think he can change. And it's clear he doesn't want to. I'm so angry all the time and my kids see too much of it.

How do I handle therapy next week? Is there really a point at which you're just done? Or what should I ask for? And i feel like I need to get things in order in case this is it or is that premature?

Thank you to anyone who made it through this long intro post. Promise my posts won't always be as long.

[Deleted]

Welcome.

Yes you can get to a point where you are just done and that's ok. Everyone has a different journey. Counseling is a safe place to be honest and share your feelings.

Especially since you have kids I'd definitely be as prepared as possible and meet with a lawyer to find out best how to protect yourself before making any moves.

And your post isn't even long, no need to apologize.
Stick around and ask questions!

[jenstar]

Sorry you're here hawtdog, but welcome.

I would start to get prepared if you are feeling like you know in your heart that you are done. I think many of us have been in that same place. In my case I knew that even if my xh could change, he would never be interested in rebuilding the trust that was long gone by that point.

If you're still wavering, maybe consider what kind of relationship you want your kids to have when they grow up and find partners. Because generally what they see with you guys is very often what they'll end up with. Would you be happy with that?

GL, I'm sure you'll find this board good for support x

[Deleted]

Welcome.

I agree that it's ok to simply feel done. We went through a second round of therapy this year, and I ultimately realized my husband wasn't interested in changing, or perhaps wasn't able to change. I've come to realize that not all problems can be fixed, no matter how much you want it or how hard you are willing to work.

I'm new around here, and it sounds like our situations have something in common. I was angry and disappointed in my husband every single day. I thought breaking up would be traumatic. Instead, I felt overwhelming relief. Since he moved out, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. You don't deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel angry every day.

I would start to think about what you would want in a separation/divorce before presenting the idea to your husband. A consultation with a lawyer is a good idea - it will be more useful if you go with questions prepared. It's not premature to be prepared - talking to a lawyer won't hurt anything and it doesn't mean you need to file for divorce. If that's what you've decided to do, therapy could be a safe place to discuss those feelings.

[glynn]

Sorry you are here.

You can be sooo done. I was in my first marriage and it took me years to get to that point but once you are there really nothing can change it. You will know. I then took a year or so to work things out for me and my 2 kids. They were 8 and 6 then. My determining factor was that I did not want them to think that was a happy family.

Start thinking and preparing now even if you do stay together no harm is done.

I just got divorced a second time so i get I truely suck at it but I feel much better and my DD2 is better for it mentally.

[hawtdog]

Thank you so much for welcoming me and sharing your stories. They response so much with me!!!

I don't want my girls to think this is normal or ok. It's hard cause on the surface everything looks fine but it's so unhealthy. Last night he couldn't even be bothered to help with bedtime, say good night or anything. Ugh!!!

I feel like it's so much harder this time. It's the same feeling of hitting the end but it feels like I'm personally failing so badly.

So step 1 is finding a job. I've got some feelers out. Going to be such a hard transition for them. One is SN so had stopped working to be here for her and to help run her around to appointments.

Edited for typos

[statlerwaldorf]

I'm sorry you are here. Dd1 was around the same age when I separated from xh.

It would not hurt to be prepared even if you decide not to divorce. It's really important when there are kids involved.