This. I would be digging and getting my name added to this house ASAP.
I agree. He took joint money and used it to pay off a house that is in his name only. That's a big fucking deal. I wouldn't necessarily jump to thinking that he's looking to screw her over and leave, but it would necessitate a Very Serious Conversation in the VC household.
The money may be join but it looks like (based on follow-ups) that it came from an account with only his name on it. Which makes this an even bigger deal I think.
I'm dumbfounded that someone could have that much money that their spouse did not know about or notice was missing. How do you just not notice that you have $30k less than you should? Either one of two things happened: (1) he paid significantly extra towards the mortgage over a long period of time, in which case, how do you not notice that you don't have as much income as you should; or (2) he took $30k from an account to pay it off all at once, in which case, how do you not see that missing amount on a statement?
I think what the husband did was really fucking strange. But, I am not ready to tar and feather him just yet though. I need to know what conversations they had that led to him being able to accumulate $30k, have a separate bank account to handle the mortgage pay off, etc. It's entirely possible that in his mind, he thought he was doing something that she had agreed to.
I don't know how to answer you without making this really long. We do try to live below our means and H is definitely a saver. I knew that he had a separate account and I knew that it had a higher balance. The money was not earmarked and I would consider it extra e-fund. Probably some should be going to retirement as well. Anyway, I obviously dropped the ball in this too because I just often didn't look at the statements when they would come in the mail. We just weren't talking about this account or the mortgage.
to someone else who asked above, we've been married 4 years.
Post by thatgirl2478 on Sept 7, 2012 11:42:38 GMT -5
OK - Based on the follow ups - his account, his house, your name not being on any of it - I'd be pissed too! What he did makes it seem like this marriage is not a team event...
Also I lol at paying off a 30k balance = throwing away corndog sticks
This sounds familiar, yet I'm trying to remember it and I'm thinking it must have been during my nest hiatus. I'm pretty sure though that these situations are not directly comparable.
It was a couple months ago... pretty sure after the move to PB. Someone posted that she was pissed because her H used her car and the next time she drove it, she was hungry and wanted to stop for food at a corn dog place but couldn't because she had no money with her and her stash of "coupons" for free corn dogs--which were used corn dog sticks--were gone. Her H had thrown them away when he tidied up her car after using it. I don't think I jumped into the fray on that one, but I was team H. I can't stand car clutter, and used corn dog sticks would really bother me. The people who were team OP said that the H was in the wrong because he had basically thrown away cash without consulting OP.
Sorry OP, distracted. Yes, I'd be annoyed and think you should be annoyed. I'm still confused as to where he got the money from (not in the drug dealer sense ;D) just because you otherwise handle the finances right? And where mortgage payments are going?
The whole its only in his name does raise a flag to me, I'm not saying its impending doom, and in some states it doesn't matter whose name is on the property necessarily, so that's really a far more complicated analysis.
This. I would be digging and getting my name added to this house ASAP.
I'm not trying to be naive and "la la la" as VC says, but I didn't know this was a big deal. I thought it was still considered a joint asset. What are the issues that I need to know? I had a friend recently who went through a terrible situation where her boyfriend of 11 years broke up with her and she was not on the house (or their joint business!!!) and was basically out on her but with no assets.
This sounds familiar, yet I'm trying to remember it and I'm thinking it must have been during my nest hiatus. I'm pretty sure though that these situations are not directly comparable.
It was a couple months ago... pretty sure after the move to PB. Someone posted that she was pissed because her H used her car and the next time she drove it, she was hungry and wanted to stop for food at a corn dog place but couldn't because she had no money with her and her stash of "coupons" for free corn dogs--which were used corn dog sticks--were gone. Her H had thrown them away when he tidied up her car after using it. I don't think I jumped into the fray on that one, but I was team H. I can't stand car clutter, and used corn dog sticks would really bother me. The people who were team OP said that the H was in the wrong because he had basically thrown away cash without consulting OP.
This sounds familiar, yet I'm trying to remember it and I'm thinking it must have been during my nest hiatus. I'm pretty sure though that these situations are not directly comparable.
It was a couple months ago... pretty sure after the move to PB. Someone posted that she was pissed because her H used her car and the next time she drove it, she was hungry and wanted to stop for food at a corn dog place but couldn't because she had no money with her and her stash of "coupons" for free corn dogs--which were used corn dog sticks--were gone. Her H had thrown them away when he tidied up her car after using it. I don't think I jumped into the fray on that one, but I was team H. I can't stand car clutter, and used corn dog sticks would really bother me. The people who were team OP said that the H was in the wrong because he had basically thrown away cash without consulting OP.
That is not entirely true - everyone (even OP) agreed that it was just $2, the real issue was that she had specifically asked him not to throw them away, and he did anyways. It was not the first time she had asked him not to throw something away, and he did.
holy shit! this isn't even my house...evidently since he bought the house before marriage he would retain it. I will work on getting added asap. Not that I'm planning on divorce, but uh who is. A little out of it, not dumb
OP, I don't think you're in la-la-land. But I do think that you had trusted him to manage this part of your lives in accordance with joint goals, and that he hasn't proved quite worthy of that trust. It's not like he threw the money away or did something selfish, but his action says that he knows best, and that he doesn't value your opinion on major financial decisions.
As for the house being in his name only, I can see how that could happen if you aren't super financially on top of everything. I don't see it as a red flag. A red flag would be, you ask to be put on the deed and he stalls on you for months or tries repeatedly to talk you out of it.
You might want to become more involved in your family finances. You sounded "out of touch" as to what is happening and how much you have in accounts etc.
Having a paid off mortgage will give you more financial freedom to pursue your other financial goals.
My DH and I nearly divorced and the situation was very eye-opening. I think it is worth learning about how property is split upon divorcing so you can protect yourself just in case. It's way more likely that anyone will get divorced than their house will burn down, but we still all buy home insurance and don't necessarily protect ourselves.
I definitely think both of your names should be on he house and I think you should have access to any accounts that would have a sizeable amount of money in them.
right, yay we own our home free and clear! Mean-fucking-while the kitchen is falling apart and my car is a 1997. There are a LOT of other priorities here. I'm not saying we're done and all we have to worry about is retirement. And if I can't complain about this on MM then I don't know where else I would.
And yet you have hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank. Cry me a fucking river.
OK I have to admit I am less incensed if he is the only one that ever put money into that bank account and he is the only one who ever paid anything towards the mortgage.
If your agreement was always that the mortgage was "his thing" and that you weren't expected to contribute in any way, I do think that is different. He basically just saved up a shitton of his "fun money". But why does he get so much money to put in his own account? Do you have a non-joint account where you get to stash money for yourself too?
I still find this situation odd, and I would still be furious if my husband spent $30K, but too many details missing.
OK I have to admit I am less incensed if he is the only one that ever put money into that bank account and he is the only one who ever paid anything towards the mortgage.
If your agreement was always that the mortgage was "his thing" and that you weren't expected to contribute in any way, I do think that is different. He basically just saved up a shitton of his "fun money". But why does he get so much money to put in his own account? Do you have a non-joint account where you get to stash money for yourself too?
I still find this situation odd, and I would still be furious if my husband spent $30K, but too many details missing.
right, yay we own our home free and clear! Mean-fucking-while the kitchen is falling apart and my car is a 1997. There are a LOT of other priorities here. I'm not saying we're done and all we have to worry about is retirement. And if I can't complain about this on MM then I don't know where else I would.
And yet you have hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank. Cry me a fucking river.
Post by MadamePresident on Sept 7, 2012 12:26:20 GMT -5
You guys need to sit down and talk about finances with real dollar amounts on paper. I like your husband find value in not having a mortgage payment each month, but you had other goals. Its important that you both are on the same page and you come to a decision. Writing it down, will give you both something to point to and say "this is our goal", which is better than "This is what I think we decided on".
While I have access to all our accounts, my husband generally manages them, so I wouldn't necessarily notice a big change right away, either. However, we have this policy where we tell each other in advance about any bigger purchases or plans for our money.
his money going into that account. the rest of our finances are mixed and we pay expenses jointly.
Okay, well, I know a marriage is a marriage but I'm not going to jump on the "WTF" thing if this isn't joint money. Obviously you were okay with him having a big account with a bunch of money in it that he had saved up from his own paycheck....I mean, you wanted a new car from an account full of his money but when he used that to pay off the mortgage on the house then it's a big deal? I'm thinking you guys should just combine all the finances and be done with it.
I'm with nugget on this one. It seems through all the updates that he paid off his house with his own money.
OK I have to admit I am less incensed if he is the only one that ever put money into that bank account and he is the only one who ever paid anything towards the mortgage.
Wait -- if this is the case, then I'm 1) thoroughy confused, 2) not a good thread-reader, and 3) possibly side-eying the OP. But I can't tell. Either way I think they need way more communication.
I also think that whoever is heading up guacamole in our microwave right now should share some with me, but that's neither here nor there.
OK I have to admit I am less incensed if he is the only one that ever put money into that bank account and he is the only one who ever paid anything towards the mortgage.
If your agreement was always that the mortgage was "his thing" and that you weren't expected to contribute in any way, I do think that is different. He basically just saved up a shitton of his "fun money". But why does he get so much money to put in his own account? Do you have a non-joint account where you get to stash money for yourself too?
I still find this situation odd, and I would still be furious if my husband spent $30K, but too many details missing.
I agree with this. Even if you had been paying a portion of the mortgage monthly (kind of like "rent" since you say you have separate finances but split expenses) I don't think this is as big of a deal as if you had completely joint savings and he just paid off the house using joint money. If this was his savings account, you knew the money was there and didn't have it earmarked for anything, I don't think he was doing anything sinister by paying off the mortgage.
I do think that it is weird that he didn't tell you and I would want to have a big conversation with my DH about why he kept it a secret and how this type of thing needs to be handled going forward.
I also think it is a good time to either completely combine finances OR become more involved in each others' separate accounts. At the very least you should have an accurate idea of what your debts are, what your savings accounts hold, and whether or not your bank account balances remain constant. Having 30k withdrawn from an account and you having absolutely no idea sounds like a recipe for disaster.
FWIW my DH has access to our accounts but doesn't ever look at them either. I could absolutely pull something like this on him and he'd never know or probably care. Which is fine, because I WONT do that and more importantly, I know "I" am in the know and protected by the fact that I do keep on top of this. OP my personal belief is that anyone but in particular a woman should always have a clue about her finances. There have just been too many stories of things going badly for women who don't keep involved. I'm sure the same is for men too...
we do need to get more on the same page, and I'd like to just have everything joint. The account is his from before we were married, but it's not exactly just for him to do anything with. <ETA: not money from before we were married, just that it was his main account prior and he continued to have his paycheck direct deposit to that account. It's not just extra fun money> It's still a household efund account and we still both live here and should both know if the house gets paid off.
I do not have an equivalent account. When we got married I just added him to my checking. He was not willing to do the same. I know this is an issue. I don't know how to get beyond it so for all this time I've just ignored it and just not been as hands on with this part (his account and the house).
we do need to get more on the same page, and I'd like to just have everything joint. The account is his from before we were married, but it's not exactly just for him to do anything with. <ETA: not money from before we were married, just that it was his main account prior and he continued to have his paycheck direct deposit to that account. It's not just extra fun money> It's still a household efund account and we still both live here and should both know if the house gets paid off.
I do not have an equivalent account. When we got married I just added him to my checking. He was not willing to do the same. I know this is an issue. I don't know how to get beyond it so for all this time I've just ignored it and just not been as hands on with this part (his account and the house).
Ah. This all makes a lot more sense now. I think you know what you would like to see change and can use this as an example of why. I would also find his actions strange and frustrating but really there is a bigger issue.
Basically this was his main checking account before. He never added me to it. I added him to my account. Sometimes he pays bills from 'his' account. So it's muddy. It's not just his extra money. For the most part it isn't needed for immediate needs so I consider it to be somewhat e-fund. It would be much easier if it was all joint and any extra was appropriately saved separately for efund and retirement.