Alcoholic spouse

[aetiredofetoh]

So I started a post last night and it got too long and I lost the post....so I'm gonna try again but leave out lots of stuff. I've been thinking about posting here for a while now and just kept putting it off. I'm posting under an AE because DH knows I'm on here. I don't think he can access anything but just in case...
DH has been an alcoholic for a long time. We've been together for 14 years and married for 10. He was drinking a lot when we met but hiding it well (he is a functional alcoholic mostly). And yes hind sight is 20/20 and I suppose I should've thought longer and harder about marrying him. He was going through an ugly divorce and lots of stress. No excuse I know but there it is. Throughout the years he would escalate then quit for a while until he felt that he could start drinking socially again which pretty much always leads to heavier drinking and problems. 
2 years ago it got really bad and he drove home completely wasted which infuriated me. We talked and he quit. Basically told him I didn't trust him with our now 6y/o DD, I felt lonely because I couldn't confide in my friends here (only 2 people know and they are both out of town and rarely see DH). Lots more was said but those are the main points I guess. Worried about him killing himself with ETOH, drinking and driving etc. Discussed getting help but he wanted to try one more time on his own (he is an MD and were in a big "small" town so to speak ). He did. Still stressed at work, going to bed early, not wanting to go to any social functions (friends houses etc nothing fancy) because everyone expects him to drink. I mostly just became a single mom. I'm happy doing things with DD and hanging out with my friends and I didn't want stay at home. After 13 months (September 2015) we went to Europe (to visit my family every year ). After a few days he started drinking here and there because that's what every one does and expects. He never told anyone the truth about why he quit drinking (BLood pressure and working on losing weight,..). So of course things got out of hand after a while again. Still going to bed early but going to friends now because he is drinking again. Long story short....he has been useless the last several months aside from going to work and making bringing home a paycheck (he does go to work sober at least). We just got back from Europe again. He stayed 2 weeks and we stayed a month. My parents were so happy he was drinking again. The last few days we had an apartment in Paris and that's when he started drinking and hiding. Our seine dinner cruise he was drink and falling asleep at the table. Great memories. He went home and after a few days claimed that he made great strides during his solitude referring to adjusting his attitude toward work blabla. Meanwhile Dd and I had a blast together and it was so relaxing (I was so ready for him to go home) Came home and he hasn't been drinking every day but in the last week has polished off a couple of bottle of tequila each over the course of 1-2 days (I know where he hides). 
Here is the problem (well one of them). He needs to quit. Even if he quits now on his own without talking about it I still need to talk to him. Thing is I'm not sure where I'm at feeling wise. The last 2 years I've done most things on my own with Dd. I don't want to be home so we stay busy with friends activities etc. I admit I like it. I don't have to worry about his mood or making sure he is content doing what we are doing. I plan stuff without discussing with him because most of the time he has been unavailable and I don't want to wait until the weekend to see if we will have plans or not. I guess I'm feeling a lot of resentment and feel discouraged. I don't know that this roller coaster will ever end. 13 months is the longest he has been sober so I feel like no matter what it will just be matter of time. I don't really want to be around him and I have very little desire for intimacy. Since we've been back (8 days) he does try to be nice when he has been sober and it just irritates the hell out of me. Like everything is hunky dory now. I've finally tAlked to my sister about it and she was shocked. She knew things weren't great but it was blamed on all his work and long hours. I'm glad she knows and I've talked to my 2 friends that know too. I feel badly about not liking him much right now and I am at a point where I don't know if I can get past that even if he sobers up again. He is a very nice and caring guy actually (he is a happy drunk at least) but I'm getting to the point that that's not enough. I'm far too happy doing things on my own with DD and prefer it that way right now. This is our second marriage for both. I know we have a lot to discuss and I know that if he will have any chance of staying sober he needs to come out of the closet and be honest about it. I'm pretty sure that if he is not willing to do that he will never stay sober for long. AA is out because he can't go in town (knows too many people here) and out of town would be tough due to work. He needs to figure something out but I'm so conflicted about my feeling for him right now. I don't know what I want. We haven't even had sex since I got back (tired from traveling, DD and I waking up really early from jet lag) and after 2 days I got my period. It doesn't bother me because I really have no interest right now. I'm not necessarily wanting a divorce but I guess I have to keep that as an option. I'm not ready to give an ultimatum though I will probably mention that it is not his work that is hurting me but the EToH that will destroy this marriage. 
So, I know that's a lot (and I left out lots of details because this is already a book). I'm assuming it is not abnormal to feel the way I do? Not wanting to be close or with him even when he happens to be sober? I know this is gonna come to a head soon. I've been thinking a lot and trying to sort out my feelings for him so I can be clear about that when I do talk to him. My friend asked me if I still loved him and I'm honestly not sure about my answer....I hesitated which worries me. I know shouldn't make any life changing decisions (as far as stay or go) right now and see how things go when he does get sober and seeing if he will stay sober. 

[aetiredofetoh]

I was about to lose the post again...
he loves DD and she loves him but she has noticed that he is always tired from work and before too long she will figure out why daddy was passed out on the couch. She knows about being drunk but doesn't see him drink so for the moment she doesn't put 2+2 together yet. And I'm tired of always covering for him about why he is tired etc.


That was a wall of words so if you made it through thank you. im glad I have my 2 friends to talk to because that has been helpful. Now I need to bite the bullet and talk to dH. It will likely send him into a depression for several days and it never seems to be the right time. I'm thinking in a couple of weeks after his Older DD has come and gone unless it just happens to come up before then. So far it seems a bit better. His work is a bit better (new partners and less call) but that also means he wil be around more which is not something I'm looking forward to. I've gotten so used to doing my thing with DD and it has been convenient. I know I need to get my big girl panties on and get over that to a certain degree if I want this to work out. 

Just dont k ow at what point enough is enough  

i may DD this in a few days....

PS how is this for activity on the board...

[flex]

I don't mean to come across as snarky, so please do not take offense: Could you summarize your concerns/questions into one paragraph?

[aetiredofetoh]

flex no worries, I know it got really long and like lucybrown said it was sort of a brain dump.
I'm feeling guilty for letting it go on this long and I can't tell you exactly why I didn't say anything sooner. I guess a lot of it had to do with the fact that work would start getting a bit better in August and I didn't want a grump with me in Europe.
I guess I also feel that I shouldn't have to be the ETOH police/his mother.
I'm feeling guilty that I'm being really distant right now and have very little interest in him or doing things with him but I guess each time he falls off the wagon it is worse for me and I suppose that is a normal reaction? Last time I was very upset with everything but once he quit drinking I still wanted to be around him and now I'm in a different place emotionally and I hope I can recover from that.
I need to talk to him very soon, especially because I don't trust him to be alone with our kid. Not so much at home since she is fairly self sufficient but I don't want him driving her around. I feel like I have so many things to say, especially about a lot of occasions where he was intoxciated and that's what I remember about them. My friend today suggested that rather than doing a brain dump on him right away is to basically just keep it short and sweet. Telling him initially that things cannot go on The way they are, that he is an alcoholic and drinking a lot and that things need to change. She suggested that initially I leave it at that and basically give him time to think about it and come up with an answer before really getting into. It and work on a plan.
I'm not making any rash decisions. I honestly don't know what I want right now other than that the drinking stops and that I don't have to worry about our kid being with him.
I guess I'm feeling very discouraged and feel that there may not be a light at the end of the alcohol tunnel so to speak.

Once again a long post, sorry about that. I guess it does help putting it down on virtual paper. Thanks for listening

[flatlan]

Big hugs to you! It sounds like you have been strong for you and your daughter for a long time. I found that going to individual therapy both before and after my divorce to be very helpful. I also would suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I found it very useful to recognize my behaviors and reactions to my xh who was also a functional alcoholic.

Eta: details

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2016 0:54:16 GMT -5 aetiredofetoh said:

I feel like I have so many things to say, especially about a lot of occasions where he was intoxciated and that's what I remember about them. My friend today suggested that rather than doing a brain dump on him right away is to basically just keep it short and sweet. Telling him initially that things cannot go on The way they are, that he is an alcoholic and drinking a lot and that things need to change. She suggested that initially I leave it at that and basically give him time to think about it and come up with an answer before really getting into. It and work on a plan.
I'm not making any rash decisions. I honestly don't know what I want right now other than that the drinking stops and that I don't have to worry about our kid being with him.
I guess I'm feeling very discouraged and feel that there may not be a light at the end of the alcohol tunnel so to speak. 

I read both of your posts last night. You have a lot of history and getting to this point is definitely understandable!

Your friend made a great suggestion about the "brain dump" idea. One thing you could do, is write down all of the times he's been a fool. You don't even have to show it to him, but I always find that getting my frustrations on paper and looking at the small details helps with larger perspective.  You can summarize what you are feeling in general with him. And leave the details out of it.  He's less apt to fight you if there is no ammo other than "This is how I feel..."

I hope this make sense. You have some decisions to make. Nothing needs to be decided today. Give it time. I will say that no words were going to stop me from drinking, until I was ready to stop.  However, you have every right to demand that he not drive with your child in the car. Most of the rest is out of your control. Make sure your DD is safe. 

Wishing you the best and report back.

Courtney
08-29-07

[aetiredofetoh]

Aug 27, 2016 1:16:31 GMT -5 flatlan said:

Big hugs to you! It sounds like you have been strong for you and your daughter for a long time. I found that going to individual therapy both before and after my divorce to be very helpful. I also would suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I found it very useful to recognize my behaviors and reactions to my xh who was also a functional alcoholic.

Eta: details

Thanks I will have to check out the book. I'm considering therapy although I must say that even though I can't really talk to anyone, the two friends that I can talk to have been very helpful. My friend has gone through therapy herself after her DH had cheated on her and they split up for a while and granted it isn't the same at all she has been very helpful at sorting through a lot of my feelings. According to her therapist people can really change but they have to really want it which makes sense. And it is probably much easier said then done. 

[aetiredofetoh]

Aug 27, 2016 14:50:55 GMT -5 @courtneyl said:

Aug 27, 2016 0:54:16 GMT -5 aetiredofetoh said:

I feel like I have so many things to say, especially about a lot of occasions where he was intoxciated and that's what I remember about them. My friend today suggested that rather than doing a brain dump on him right away is to basically just keep it short and sweet. Telling him initially that things cannot go on The way they are, that he is an alcoholic and drinking a lot and that things need to change. She suggested that initially I leave it at that and basically give him time to think about it and come up with an answer before really getting into. It and work on a plan.
I'm not making any rash decisions. I honestly don't know what I want right now other than that the drinking stops and that I don't have to worry about our kid being with him.
I guess I'm feeling very discouraged and feel that there may not be a light at the end of the alcohol tunnel so to speak. 

I read both of your posts last night. You have a lot of history and getting to this point is definitely understandable!

Your friend made a great suggestion about the "brain dump" idea. One thing you could do, is write down all of the times he's been a fool. You don't even have to show it to him, but I always find that getting my frustrations on paper and looking at the small details helps with larger perspective.  You can summarize what you are feeling in general with him. And leave the details out of it.  He's less apt to fight you if there is no ammo other than "This is how I feel..."

I hope this make sense. You have some decisions to make. Nothing needs to be decided today. Give it time. I will say that no words were going to stop me from drinking, until I was ready to stop.  However, you have every right to demand that he not drive with your child in the car. Most of the rest is out of your control. Make sure your DD is safe. 

Wishing you the best and report back.

Courtney
08-29-07

Thank you. I know he will more than likely be able to stop again this time. I just don't know how long it will last. I thought 2 years ago it got bad enough and he really seemed to get it. He also had said at that point that he realized he could never drink again. I guess he forgot about that after a while obviously since he did start drinking again. I know I can't make him stop. Maybe initially my words can make him stop but I know long term it is mostly out of my hands and there is nothing I can do. Like I said, I really don't want to have to "police" him. I guess even if he stops it will take a while to get the trust built back up. I know his drinking behaviors very well and they mostly would not be all that bad if the reason wasn't alcohol. But every time he displays even the slightest of those behaviors (when he is not drinking) it makes me suspicious and with good reason I guess but it still sucks. 
I probably should talk to him much sooner than 2 weeks but for various reasons that is my timeline. Things could come to a head before that as I'm pretty sure he knows something. Is up as I have been more distant even since my return home. 
I also wonder if he really doesn't realize that I know what's going on or if he knows and just wants to pretend I don't since I haven't said anything.
anyway, thank you for you input and thanks for listening. It has seen helpful getting it out there. We had a BBQ at our house with another family (one of my best friends whom I cannot confide in with this unfortunately) last night and he entirely drank too much. He was annoying the hell out of me with his behaviors (kept trying to squeeze my and my friends legs (just friendly squeezes but irritating since he only does it when he has too much to drink) and tickling the kids and annoying them basically (nothing inappropriate luckily but just annoying). I did tell my friend that he was doing that because he had been drinking too much but as far as she knows that's just an occasional thing.  As soon as they left he passed out on the couch. Today we were gone most of the afternoon and he stayed home and of course has been drinking while we were gone. 

Im glad you were able to get sober (almost 10 years if that's the date?) and I'm hopeful that DH will get to that point sooner rather than later otherwise I don't have much hope for our future.

[noradog]

Aug 28, 2016 21:10:08 GMT -5 aetiredofetoh said:

Aug 27, 2016 1:16:31 GMT -5 flatlan said:

Big hugs to you! It sounds like you have been strong for you and your daughter for a long time. I found that going to individual therapy both before and after my divorce to be very helpful. I also would suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I found it very useful to recognize my behaviors and reactions to my xh who was also a functional alcoholic.

Eta: details

Thanks I will have to check out the book. I'm considering therapy although I must say that even though I can't really talk to anyone, the two friends that I can talk to have been very helpful. My friend has gone through therapy herself after her DH had cheated on her and they split up for a while and granted it isn't the same at all she has been very helpful at sorting through a lot of my feelings. According to her therapist people can really change but they have to really want it which makes sense. And it is probably much easier said then done. 

I don't have a lot of experience with alcoholics, but my mom and her sisters are children of an alcoholic father. 

A few few things stood out to me.  First, you don't have to stay until he gets sober. You can leave whenever it becomes right for you and your DD to leave.  Don't feel trapped by his ability or not to get sober. Keep the focus on your health and your daughter's. 

Second, the codependency book will be wonderful for you. It has brought a lot of clarity to my mom and her sisters, even though their dad died when they were still teens/children.  You can stop the cycle of behavior. 

Third, your friends will be an invaluable source of strength and comfort, but get yourself a therapist who can guide you through this without being your good friend.  You will need another source of support. We all do. It's not weak and it doesn't reflect on your or your h's place in your community. You are worth it. 

None me of this is to say you must leave today or tomorrow.  You sound like you are processing this and are on a healthy path, but those are my 2 cents. 

Good luck and peace be with you. 

[malibu]

This is my marriage, pretty much.

H quit his job and went to rehab in 2014. Was drinking again within a month of getting home. Did not get a job for almost nine months.

He still drinks, thinks I don't know. We practically live separate lives now under the same roof. I, too, am the only one who does anything with our now five year old DD. She knows it, and tells almost everyone around her that "Dad just sits on the couch all the time. Mom takes me to do fun things."

Don't be afraid to tell your family or friends. Find an Al Anon group or another trusted group to help you work through the feelings. It's okay to want to stay or just not be ready to leave. I don't really have much advice, because I'm not the best example; I still don't know why I stay but I'm still not ready to call it quits.

I do hope your H eventually realizes that getting sober is going to require some outside help. I don't know too many people who have been able to quit on their own.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 2, 2016 15:59:06 GMT -5 malibu said:

I do hope your H eventually realizes that getting sober is going to require some outside help. I don't know too many people who have been able to quit on their own.

this is my xh. i left him over his substance abuse issues. he did rehab, i let him back in on a temp basis until he started truck driving school, that never happened bc he relapsed YET again and i told him to leave and enforced the RO (it had been unserved until that time). he's told numerous family members that he doesn't need outside help to kick his habit for good, he can do it on his own. hasn't worked for him in the past, and its doubtful it'll work for him now.

hugs ... stay safe and go to Al-Anon. it saved my sanity when i first left xh.

[aetiredofetoh]

malibu
Thank you for sharing. I hate where we are right now. I don't even want to be around him. This weekend we went camping with all the kids (his 2 daughters and 2 nieces and DD) and he didn't drink but he had been drinking early in the AM before leaving (he tends to get up in the middle of the night). I'm glad I had an excuse to drive up separately since we had too many people for one car. And it looks like he has been drinking today again. I kind of feel,like a real jerk because I admit I'm not the most pleasant person to him right now. I'm trying to hold out until after the weekend to talk to him. He knows something is up though because he has been trying to be really helpful all of a sudden and even was planning on coming to the pool party despite him being on call (he never goes anywhere when he is on call).
At least he is a functional alcoholic and has a good job. I'm pretty sure I would've been outta there if he wasn't working because of that. The sad thing is that he is overall a good guy. He has a job and is not abusive. Not that that should excuse his behavior but it is sad to see that alcohol can ruin a good thing. I feel bad because I'd much rather do things alone with my DD than with him there. I was actually glad he couldn't make it to the pool party today and that makes me sad that things have come this far.
I'm sorry you're stuck in the same situation pretty much. Does your DD know what's up with daddy? Mine doesn't right now because she doesn't really see him drink. She does know what drunk means and that it can happen if you drink too much alcohol but learned that unrelated to her dad
I'm also worried because even if he decides to quit today it will take a while for me to get to where I want to be with him I'm sure and I hope I can get past it.

[aetiredofetoh]

noradog, flatlan

I've started reading the book so thank you for that recommendation. I've read about 1/3 and I recognize a lot in there. I'm hoping to finish it this week and that it will actually help me when I do talk to him.

pinkdutchtulips
I'm sorry you had to go through that but it sounds like it was definitely for the better (if I remember some of your past posts correctly). I'm not ready to give up yet but this is the first time that I'm actually thinking that this may never end.

[malibu]

aetiredofetoh Yes, my DD does know what's going on. And she knows that her dad would rather sit on the couch than spend five minutes of his time with her. Summer has been better. He gets worse in the winter when he's not outside. I think he's a) afflicted by ADD - he's the poster child for it when I run down the list of symptoms; his therapist in rehab also suggested he get tested for it, which he never did and b) is still severely depressed. He is not great about taking his ADs. I think winter exacerbates it immensely, so I'm dreading the end of summer.

[Deleted]

malibu, I liked your post above because your ideas are spot on. Not because I like your situation. Hugs to you, friend.

[wanderlustmom]

I am so sorry! My grandad was an alcoholic and the absolute sweetest and smartest guy I ever knew. My parents had a bad divorce and I wasn't close to my dad--but I was very close to my grandad. Short story, he was a heavy drinker until his son died and then he spiraled. It was about seven years of functional alcoholism and then a few years of bad alcoholism with DUIs and getting fired. My grandma gave him an ultimatum at 50 and he never drank again. So I never saw him as an active drinker; but he talked about his sobriety a lot. I will pray for you and your DH. He could be so happy again. My grandad truly was