Tips on how to separate.

[jnoellee]

Hi, I am coming over here to ask for help on how to separate from your spouse, specifically if you were on a limited income and had children.

I work, but only a couple days a week when my husband is off work. I've been a stay at home mom for about four years. We have four kids together. My oldest son is 4, twin girls just turned 3, and an almost 8 month old baby boy.

I don't make enough to afford daycare for the children to benefit working more. Also, both of my twins are autistic. One is a lot more severe and the other is high functioning. I do not have family I can stay with or who can help spport me in any way.

I am not in any danger where I need to get out right now, but we do want to divorce. Right now we are basically separated but in the same house and only see each other in passing. Sleep in separate rooms. We just don't know how to separate. He does not make enough to support two households, (doesn't have enough to move out and get his own place and pay me child support- especially since we have four, I feel as though they would take all his money and he wouldn't be able to afford rent anywhere) and doesn't have anyone he can stay with.

We really have no clue as to how to fix our situation and I feel trapped. Any insight or suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

[cuddlyevil]

Therapy (for both of you individually and as a couple--if only to help you talk everything through)
Consult an attorney, they can help you with next steps.


If you are amicable, sit tight and save money (like it or not, you may have to seek full-time employment). At some point, even if you only see each other in passing, you'll be sick of each other's faces and want to move out.

Good luck!

[jnoellee]

I am not against full time employment although the work I do currently is not offered full time, (I freelance for cosmetic and skin care companies on the weekends) I would have to make a lot of money to pay for all four in daycare, and I don't have experience in a field that would pay enough for it to be beneficial- probably couldn't even cover daycare costs.

[jnoellee]

There also isn't much money to save, since we are on a limited income as it is.

Basically the problem is the financial side of everything. I really would love to work full time... I just, have a lot of children and two with special needs- one which needs A LOT of help and therapy. I don't know how to find solutions. I'm always thinking, trying to find a solution or a way. I get stuck every time.

[sacattack]

Ugh - that has to be super hard. I would start moving towards a divorce by meeting with an attorney or mediator to draw up the separation agreement. I would also start looking into daycares and see if you qualify for any assistance programs - especially with special needs children, you may have some options you were not aware of. Then I would start looking for other jobs.

I would then get divorced, so that is taken care of. If you need to continue to cohabitant while you work out the money portion, then it is what it is, but at-least you have worked out the legal aspect of this.

[cuddlyevil]

Sept 1, 2016 14:38:27 GMT -5 jnoellee said:

There also isn't much money to save, since we are on a limited income as it is.

Basically the problem is the financial side of everything. I really would love to work full time... I just, have a lot of children and two with special needs- one which needs A LOT of help and therapy. I don't know how to find solutions. I'm always thinking, trying to find a solution or a way. I get stuck every time.

Have you reached out to support groups for parents of kids with special needs? There may be resources available to you that might enable you to get them into daycare or get you guys some financial or other support.

[cuddlyevil]

Sept 1, 2016 14:50:48 GMT -5 sacattack said:

Ugh - that has to be super hard. I would start moving towards a divorce by meeting with an attorney or mediator to draw up the separation agreement. I would also start looking into daycares and see if you qualify for any assistance programs - especially with special needs children, you may have some options you were not aware of. Then I would start looking for other jobs.

I would then get divorced, so that is taken care of. If you need to continue to cohabitant while you work out the money portion, then it is what it is, but at-least you have worked out the legal aspect of this.

She'd need to talk to a lawyer first, in my state you cannot be legally separated while living under the same roof. 

[sharknado]

www.autism-society.org/

Your local department of Human Services


www.lovethatmax.com/2015/04/free-things-for-kids-with-special-needs.html

[heywhat]

It doesn't sound easy... but what I would do is get a full time job, put your kids in daycare, apply for assistance (daycare, health, food, whatever you qualify for), and work out support payments with your X.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent/own?

[momof2]

I don't "go here" on this board, but I wanted to respond since you mentioned your 2 three year olds have autism, and that is an area I know something about.

First, how much daycare would you really need? Will your 4 year old do to kindy next fall? Are both your 3 year olds in a full day autism program through your public school system? Your profound child should definitely be eligible and your high functioning child might be also. If you were down to just the 8 month old needing child care, what would that look like from a budgeting perspective? If your kids get therapy from school, can you drop some private expensive therapies? We gave up private ST and OT once my kid was getting it in school.

Are both your 3 year olds eligible for Medicaid that is not income based? This is called the Katie Beckett waiver in many states (but just look for waivers for Medicaid). This might help you with health care costs and some of the private therapy costs. The waitlist in my state is 10 years, but not all states are like this (and if HRC gets elected, she has vowed to fix this unfunded waiver problem that many states have).

Are your 3 year olds entitled to other supports that might help you? For example, my child with autism and intellectual disability gets 15 hours of help a week from a developmental aide that is basically her after school child care provider. Calling the parent advocates at your local autism society is often the best resource for figuring out what you might be eligible for.

[stephreloaded]

I am sorry to hear that you are in this position. Do you have family nearby? I came back home and lived with my parents until I could get back on my feet. It was not only that but their emotional support was amazing in times when I thought I was going to lose it.

[heywhat]

I just heard about calling 211: www.211us.org/ Seems like that might be a place to start.

[jnoellee]

My girls just started preschool from 8:30-130, my 4 year old goes from 11:45-215, so I have about an hour and a half where it's just me and the 8 month old, and I'm doing the pick up drop off for all of them a well. Transportation is offered for the girls but not for my son.

I did just learned that I can possibly qualify for IHSS so this could help. I will have to look into more services around us.

Thanks for all the input!

[formerlyak]

One option would be to keep the apartment or house you have now, and find a small studio apartment near by. You switch off who lives in the studio and who lives in the house based on whose day it is for custody. So the kids never switch. This is a lot cheaper than two larger places. It clearly only works if things are friendly, and it isn't the best option for everyone, but I've seen it work for some. At least until you get full time work and your kids are in school.

[jnoellee]

Sept 2, 2016 9:11:23 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

I am sorry to hear that you are in this position. Do you have family nearby? I came back home and lived with my parents until I could get back on my feet. It was not only that but their emotional support was amazing in times when I thought I was going to lose it.

No, and neither does he. It would be such a help if they were!

[jnoellee]

Sept 2, 2016 17:47:08 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

One option would be to keep the apartment or house you have now, and find a small studio apartment near by. You switch off who lives in the studio and who lives in the house based on whose day it is for custody. So the kids never switch. This is a lot cheaper than two larger places. It clearly only works if things are friendly, and it isn't the best option for everyone, but I've seen it work for some. At least until you get full time work and your kids are in school.

I have thought of this idea! I thought I was crazy though, I didn't know it was somewhat common thing!