Your kids and college.

[sookie]

I went to college and DH did not (military, he's currently slowly working through college work while still active duty).

I think college isn't for everyone BUT if you don't go to college you either need to learn a trade/go to trade school, join the military, or have some sort of other realistic plan. You cannot graduate high school and then do nothing, or just keep a part time job.

My parents did expect that I'd go to college (neither of them did), but neither pressured me into it that I can remember.

ETA: I guess they COULD just have a part time job and no real plan, but we won't financially support them through that.

[ECB]

Well, yes and no.

I was basically told "you're going to college" and honestly, I was thankful for it. Just who i am, my makeup - I don't know that I would have felt the need to go. But I'm VERY thankful that my parents basically made it non-optional.

That being said - we plan to put it in DSs mind that college WILL happen and by all means, that's absolutely what I want. But I'm older and wiser now too. I've seen people who jsut are not "college people" and if it appears DS could go down that path, I don't want to force him into something that won't work for him. BUT if this were to happen, there would need to be a PLAN. This will not turn into him working at a minimum wage job and just making do. If his passions take him down a different path, great, but it needs to be a path actually going somewhere.

[tulips]

I went to college and H did college and grad school.

I believe they need post-high school education/training. If they don't want to go to college, I hope they choose trade school or military service. Something to learn a skill that can become a way to support themselves.

[preppy]

If they don't go to college they need to go to a trade school. They will need to do some sort of further education after HS. There really isn't anyone in my family that hasn't gone to college, even my grandmothers went to college, but I know that it's not for everyone.

[anna7602]

I would like for my children to go to college, for the experience, for the education, for the ability to compete in the job marketplace afterwards. But if either one of them wanted to do a "gap year" or take some time to figure things out before going, I don't think I would be opposed to that.

I don't particularly care where they go (name-brand-wise) or what they major in undergraduate, but I have stronger opinions about graduate school. These opinions could change depending on what jobs/careers are like in the future.

My parents very much expected me to go to college and to go to a specific caliber of college as my "ticket" to "moving up" in American society. I understand their position given our circumstances, but my kids already have so many more advantages than I did growing up.

[sunshine608]

Nope. I work on a college campus and Everyday I deal with students who are in colleges and shouldn't or don't want to be there for a variety of reasons. I've had kids with a .08 GPA tell me point blank they want to do x,y,z and mom and dad said no. So instead they ho college and wasted time and money and ended up in the deans office. Based on that I will not force my kid to go. It's not for everyone - and and it's not for everyone right out of high school. Now they will be doing something constructive and paying their way whether that be military, working or a combination of things.

[lurknomore]

Non-negotiable in our house. DH and I both have advanced degrees and have made it abundantly clear to DD1 (and will for the other two) that school is above and beyond the most important thing for them to focus on. That being said, if one wanted to be a chef or something else that was more trade-schooly, that would be fine too. But our kids are expected to do some sort of training beyond high school.

[darnkatz]

I want to encourage my kids to take a gap year after they graduate and really figure out what they want to do. Work, enjoy life, think about goals and desires. I definitely don't feel like I have the right to tell my kids whether or not college is the right thing for them. I'm sure that we will be unable to assist them financially, so that will more than likely factor into their decisions.

My parents never said anything to me about college. It was never expected that I would go and they never talked to me about what I wanted to do in life or what I was even going to do right after graduating. I don't want to go that route with my kids. It stressed me out and I think it led me to make some very poor choices in life immediately after graduating.

My husband was basically given the "College is not optional!" speech. They said they would help him pay for it, actively encouraged a private Christian college (which he went to). After his first year, they told him tough tits and he was on his own, completely cut off (which, being financially independent is fine, but the way they went about coercing him into college under the guise of paying for it and then just stopping suddenly was cruel). I definitely don't want to go that route either, although the whole 'paying for it' aspect would not be an option for us.

I want my kids to be able to be successful in life and happy. That's all that matters to me. I want to help them find their way to a life that they love and thrive in.

[drloretta]

Sept 2, 2016 13:30:04 GMT -5 ECB said:

Well, yes and no.

I was basically told "you're going to college" and honestly, I was thankful for it. Just who i am, my makeup - I don't know that I would have felt the need to go. But I'm VERY thankful that my parents basically made it non-optional.

That being said - we plan to put it in DSs mind that college WILL happen and by all means, that's absolutely what I want. But I'm older and wiser now too. I've seen people who jsut are not "college people" and if it appears DS could go down that path, I don't want to force him into something that won't work for him. BUT if this were to happen, there would need to be a PLAN. This will not turn into him working at a minimum wage job and just making do. If his passions take him down a different path, great, but it needs to be a path actually going somewhere.

This exactly, and I think you're going to get a lot of responses like this.

It was expected that my siblings and I would go to college. As a matter of fact, one sibling and I did college and advanced degrees. The other sibling dropped out after a few years to start a business, but his wife pressured/encouraged him to finish so he could have a degree in hand.

DD is expected to go to college. If she happens to indicate an interest in being an electrician, or landscaper, or plumber, or car mechanic, or HVAC technician, I'm fine with her getting an AA or going to some sort of trade school or vo-tech school. If she wants to join the military, more power to her. But as ECB and others have mentioned, she has to do something. As a friend said, "As long as my kid isn't spending their life on a street corner, I'm good."

[soozy87]

We both went to college. I will push our kids to have a plan of some kind. I believe that no everyone needs to go to college. Some people have jobs that you don't need to go to college to be successful for. I think our society pushes kids to go to college and people get out of college with no idea of what they want to do and they have thousands in student loan debt and then end up going back to school for something different or taking a great job that they don't need a degree for.

[motzie]

I don't ever remember it being talked about when I was younger. It was expected, I guess, but not harped on or anything. I graduated HS a year early to pursue a career and then went back to school at 22. I had a much better idea of what I wanted to be at that age than I did at 18, that's for sure. I would offer my kids the same opportunity should something like that arise. Yes, college is expected, but it's not the only option.

[ribollita]

Yes, barring intellectual disabilities or injury, I see college and living in a dorm as a required end to adolescence for my kids and their likely lives. Frankly I lean toward grad school being necessary, too. I don't think it is for all people or even the majority, but for my upper middle class kids from a small city, yes.

[dizzycooks]

College was just an expectation. You will go. I went to community college and then finished at a university. Paid for by...me. Lol. My brother went to tech school. We both worked. I expect my kids to do something with the intention of it helping them carve out a self sustaining work path that they enjoy. I will not support them while they lay willy nilly in my couch trying to figure it out. I would expect we would knows it's plenty of notice if they will be going to college in some capacity or need to be kicked out for a taste of reality.

[jinkies]

I'm OK with any career path. I went to college, my H did not but learned a trade.

[Deleted]

We've always said if not college then we'd like to at least see a post-graduation plan with a career in mind, like trade school. But both of my kids will be 18 when they graduate high school presumably so I don't know what I'd do to stop them if they just said "I got a job in a bar and I'm moving into my girlfriend's apartment, bye." I'd stop paying their car insurance probably.

When it comes down to it, we will encourage (and pay towards) college but anything else will take some convincing if they want our financial support.

[Cicero]

If they want our financial support they will be going to college or a college equivalent program. I will not bankroll a part time job from my basement.

[AmyRI]

My parents expected us both to go to 4-year colleges, although my mother had only made it to an associate's degree. But we were both doing very well in school and every one of our teachers expected college as well given our academic successes.

I do not intend to push my children into a 4-year college, but we absolutely will push for education of some sort beyond high school. Be that trade school to become a plumber or electrician or a 4-year college or a PhD, I don't care - but I do not think that you can get by without formal education after high school.

[CrazyLucky]

I don't remember my parents ever making me feel like college was a requirement. My older sister went for two years, my older brother didn't go until he was much older, and my little brother didn't go. I always knew I was going to college, but that was on me, not them.
I'm raising my kids with the idea that they are going to college. They talk about it pretty often. At ages 6 and 4, I don't feel like they really understand the difference between college and other types of post high school education. Basically, I want them to be happy and able to financially support themselves. So if DS wants to be a pastor-fireman-policeman-farmer-EMT-teacher-refrigerator repairman, that's fine with me. I AM hoping DD eventually gives up her dream of being Ariel when she grows up though.

[Deleted]

I'm curious, for those who say its a non-negotiable/expectation, whether its college or trade school, what are your plans to help pay? I realize this is MMM, so lots will say their 529's, but I know thats not the case for everyone. I'm just curious if those people who say their kid HAS to go to college, if they're going to fund all of it, some of it, or none?

[ktw]

I hope my DD and any future children go to college one day, for all of the reasons anna7602 mentioned. I enjoyed my college years, and have no doubt that I would not be where I am career-wise without my degree. That being said, my parents did not graduate from college, and my brother is 31 and about to enter his undergraduate studies after an 11 year military career. He was in no way ready for college at 18. Frankly, I'm not sure he's ready now. Forcing him would have been a waste of time and money. My other brother and I were great students, ready for college at 18, and paid for it ourselves.

My H comes from a highly educated family. His mother was the middle of 5 girls, and she was born in 1943. She and all 4 of her sisters graduated from college, and I think all have advanced degrees. None of this was typical of the time they grew up, especially for women. His father also has multiple degrees, and my husband has 3 himself. He does not feel that college is optional. His parents also paid for his undergrad and first masters degree.

Our past experience has led to differing opinions on this. I don't feel that college is "optional" per se, and if my children are the kind of students that myself and my H were, I will undoubtedly encourage them to go to college. However, if any of my children are the kind of students my brother was, or seems more suited to an alternate path, I'll be damned if I'm going to waste thousands and thousands of dollars on a degree that they may or may not be capable of completing. So basically, my H says, "All of my children will go to college and I will pay for them to do so". And I'm saying, "Let's wait and see what kind of students/people we're dealing with, and I am on-board with helping, but there will be stipulations. I'm not 100% committed to giving my kids a blank check for the college of their choice."

[ECB]

Sept 2, 2016 13:44:28 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

I'm curious, for those who say its a non-negotiable/expectation, whether its college or trade school, what are your plans to help pay? I realize this is MMM, so lots will say their 529's, but I know thats not the case for everyone. I'm just curious if those people who say their kid HAS to go to college, if they're going to fund all of it, some of it, or none?

We're going to pay for as much of it as we can.  DH and I were both very lucky that our parents payed for our undergrad.  We want to do the same for DS.  Past that, as it was for us, it's on him.  But we want to help him get a solid footing and w/o starting life in debt. 

[bk1]

I was always told I would be going to college and getting a degree. My mom didn't care what degree, as long as I finished with a degree in hand. 

DH did trade school and later went back to college part time while working full time.

I expect our kids to either do college, trade school, or both.

[Cicero]

Sept 2, 2016 13:44:28 GMT -5 @roseyposey said:

I'm curious, for those who say its a non-negotiable/expectation, whether its college or trade school, what are your plans to help pay? I realize this is MMM, so lots will say their 529's, but I know thats not the case for everyone. I'm just curious if those people who say their kid HAS to go to college, if they're going to fund all of it, some of it, or none?

We will pay for 100% of in state public school.  If they want to go private we'll talk about it depending on what their grades and plans are like.  We're fortunate to have residence in a state where public university is inexpensive and even if it skyrockets the boys have a 4 year degree saved for between them.

[Deleted]

Our parents do not have more than primary school education. My parents made it a priority and I went to college. My h and 3 of his 5 siblings did not. Frankly, his parents did not care. I think that was such a shame. Besides my h, there is a definite difference in earnings and lifestyle between the siblings that went and didn't go to college. He attended a trade school and does pretty well without a degree. We will very strongly encourage our kids to attend a 4 year university away from home. I think there is so much to learn from the experience of living in a dorm and being "on your own" at school at 18.

[Deleted]

I think my parents expected me to go but there was never any pressure. My father has two undergrad degrees and my mother has an associates. 4 out of 5 of us have gone to college, 3 currently have grad degrees and my sister just started grad school last week. While 4 out of 5 of us will end up in a similar place education wise, the journeys to get there were very different and this has shaped my view on my expectations for my children.

In short, I expect my kids to go to college and I'm sure more so than my parents did. However, I also know that it isn't for everyone, so there will be an expectation that if they don't go to college they go to learn a trade or otherwise gain valuable skills to enter the workforce.

[cincodemayo]

Neither of my parents finished a 4 year degree until after I did but they made it non-negotiable. My DH was not really encouraged to go to college so he joined the military. Truthfully he has had a hard time finding a job that pays well or that is ideal for a family. Not that going to college guarantees you a good job, but having a degree can get you in the door easier, I think.

I don't love the degree/career I chose. My plan is to make college/trade school "mandatory," but I think I'll be having conversations regularly when they are teens about career paths and if they aren't ready for college right away, that's OK too.

We will help with what we can but most likely will not be able to pay for 4 years at a university for both. Ideally we can pay for at least half.

[hbomdiggity]

I don't know that I would so far as it being non negotiable, but absent some special circumstances, he is going to college. Its not just about education, its about life experiences and growing up. And yes, I intend to pay for it.

My boss's daughter wasn't ready for college, but all her friend's went away to college and she was basically left behind. She is now finding her own way and doing some great things, but it's been a struggle. I think she would still benefit from college, but forcing her to go would not have worked.

My brother has his own construction company (and does a lot of the work himself) and you bet his accounting degree has been relevant.

[Deleted]

Sept 2, 2016 13:36:37 GMT -5 ribollita said:

Yes, barring intellectual disabilities or injury, I see college and living in a dorm as a required end to adolescence for my kids and their likely lives. Frankly I lean toward grad school being necessary, too. I don't think it is for all people or even the majority, but for my upper middle class kids from a small city, yes.

Why do you think college and/or grad school is a necessity for upper middle class kids from a small city but not for others?

[macmars45]

College was not optional for me. My parents are retired teachers and education is very important to them. They paid most of my siblings and my way though. All but one of us made it out debt free (and she went to a private college so went in with that expectation).

I will highly encourage college or trade school of some kind for DS and any other kids we have. It's important to have some direction in your life; some way to provide for yourself. We won't be able to make sure they get out debt free though. And they won't be living with us when they are able to be full functioning adults contributing to society. 

[CheeringCharm]

I wouldn't go so far as to say it is "non optional" (I mean you can't physically force someone to apply and then attend) but we really want them to go and will do all we can to encourage it, including saving as much as we can for them. My real goal is for all three to attend the school of their choice and graduate debt free.

So yes we do assume they will go.