I try to let go of the ideal of a passionate marriage. My parents were always partners and best friends, and that's how DH and I are, too. I consider that a great marriage, even when the physical aspect is sometimes lacking. Right now I'm pregnant, so we're definitely in a rut. However, the last year or so we sort of reconnected on that front and had a lot of fun. But there will always be ups and downs and I try not to stress about it too much. With a new baby coming, we're going to be tired and on autopilot for a while. When DD turned 3.5/4, I really felt like it got pretty easy and we had the energy to focus on being romantic again. I can only hope that the same will be true in a few years after kid #2 is born.
krystee we have a lot of similarities in our lives and we have gone through this as well. I feel like we have started to come out of it in the last few months. I've made more efforts to initiate sex and try to restore the physical connection even if I don't feel like it. It's helped. We also have tried to go on dates and do some fun family stuff outside the house. We still have a ways to go but I'm feeling better than I did about it. I need to start exercising to feel better myself and I'm hoping that will help too.
We are also in the roommates/parters/coparents who have sex semiregularly club. I'm not quite sure how to get out of it though. Part of it is a combination of our work schedules and I think part is the fact that we do need more of the nonsexual contact, but he thinks we don't have sex enough (usually 1-3 times between Saturday and Monday) so he has a tendency to turn every physical contact sexual. And damnit that gets really old after a while. So it's a somewhat vicious cycle for sure.
THIS. Especially the bolded. We have sex like once every 7-10 days.
I try to let go of the ideal of a passionate marriage. My parents were always partners and best friends, and that's how DH and I are, too. I consider that a great marriage, even when the physical aspect is sometimes lacking. Right now I'm pregnant, so we're definitely in a rut. However, the last year or so we sort of reconnected on that front and had a lot of fun. But there will always be ups and downs and I try not to stress about it too much. With a new baby coming, we're going to be tired and on autopilot for a while. When DD turned 3.5/4, I really felt like it got pretty easy and we had the energy to focus on being romantic again. I can only hope that the same will be true in a few years after kid #2 is born.
This is me, too. I don't really remember my parents hugging or kissing. Although once while I was home from college I went looking for my mom's sewing kit and found a tube of KY (AHH!!) so I know they weren't celibate after kids. Now, they are both retired, are great partners, enjoy taking care of my kids, go on great vacations together, etc. There is more to a marriage than passion. The more important thing for me is feeling loved.
Post by karinothing on Sept 6, 2016 10:51:36 GMT -5
I think a lot of the problem is what society tells us a good marriage should be. Like there seems to be so much pressure to have these crazy passionate sex lives but it is not realistic for so many people. I don't know, I am very happy, but we don't have the passion we had when u was 21. Our lives change. I think marriage is going to change and passion will come and go, but I guess I don't see an issue with it. There is still no one I would rather be with.
I guess I am just saying is sex and white hot passion really what makes a good marriage or just what society tells us makes a good marriage.
I think a lot of the problem is what society tells us a good marriage should be. Like there seems to be so much pressure to have these crazy passionate sex lives but it is not realistic for so many people. I don't know, I am very happy, but we don't have the passion we had when u was 21. Our lives change. I think marriage is going to change and passion will come and go, but I guess I don't see an issue with it. There is still no one I would rather be with.
I guess I am just saying is sex and white hot passion really what makes a good marriage or just what society tells us makes a good marriage.
This is such a good point. I am so sick of watching movies and television shows that show couples with 2 small kids have sex on the bathroom counter while the kids are eating breakfast. Come on. First of all, watch your toddlers please. Second, I am not ready that fast. Not without some lube thank you very much. Third - sex in 35 seconds? Maybe for you people under 30, we both take longer than that.
10 years of marriage and we have NEVER been in sync sexually. Ever. It's kind of ridiculous. We both tend to have lower sex drives but never at the same time. We aim for once a week (when I'm not 9 months pregnant). We don't have fights but resentment and feelings do build up over time and usually come out in passive aggressive behavior or tears. Recognizing our love languages has helped. Date nights have also helped (we aim for once a month) and we recently joined a small group at church so we have something we do once a week together that doesn't involve DD.
we are both open to counseling if we reach a really difficult spot. Passion for sure ebbs and flows, ebbs more once you have kids, that's for sure.
DH moved to the guest room when DD3 was born, she's now 5 months and still in our room. But honestly, I am in no hurry to have him move back to the bedroom, we've never been great sleeping partners. That makes me feel like something is "missing" in our relationship. We also have no BC right now, I can't take the mini pill and he doesn't want a V. So it's condoms or nothing, which means nothing. It's the elephant in the room that I'm just ignoring, basically. The good news is we still do have fun together.
I think a lot of the problem is what society tells us a good marriage should be. Like there seems to be so much pressure to have these crazy passionate sex lives but it is not realistic for so many people. I don't know, I am very happy, but we don't have the passion we had when u was 21. Our lives change. I think marriage is going to change and passion will come and go, but I guess I don't see an issue with it. There is still no one I would rather be with.
I've had it described to me as marriage moving from passion to an intentional, choose-to-love way of interacting, which is what I hope is happening with DH and I....rather than just losing the passion. It's not as emotional, but maybe it's deeper/more meaningful? I don't know, but I hope so.