Anyone want to talk marriage?

[krystee]

I don't want to take away from other threads, so I am happy to delete this if people prefer. I am just feeling disconnected and wondering how common that is.

We're friends. We adore our son and have fun together. We like each other most of the time! But I would say the passion is near zero. We both say we want to get it back, and then neither one of us does anything much about it. I worry that he isn't attracted to me, but I have always been overweight and he was attracted to me before, so I don't know. But I don't feel like putting myself out there if he isn't going to do anything.

I think I'd say we're a 5 or 6 out of 10 currently on the marriage front. If we could get the physical side back, we'd be at an 8 or 9. I am afraid to have baby # 2 before we fix this, because I'm afraid then we'll never get it back. I don't know what I am looking for. Maybe someone who has been there and fixed things?

Anyone else having marriage challenges (of any kind) that you want to talk through?

I may delete the OP so please don't quote.

[VillainV]

I think our marriage has definitely changed. We aren't as physical as we used to be either, for a number of reasons (mostly health-related, and because we're so damn tired). I think we both miss it a little bit, but neither of us miss it a ton. We have found that when we make smaller physical acts (snuggling while watching TV, holding hands, kisses hello and goodbye, etc) we feel more connected and it makes us want to be even more physical (like having sex). We can't really go from 0 to sex....it just doesn't work well. But when we take baby steps, we feel closer, and sex isn't as big of a leap because we are feeling closer to each other.

[katrinabennett]

Your child is still pretty small, right?
I would say the first 2-3 years, I was always tired, touched out, just wanted to be alone. Then my H lost his job which made me anxious and scared which didn't help. He was likely depressed but we never addressed it.
But then, time passed, we made an effort. He pitched in more so I am less tired. Etc.
We still have sex maybe once a week but that feels like enough considering we can go days without seeing each other.
I truly think you have to fake it til you make it. You can't overthink it. You just have to do it.
And I also agree that trying for number 2 is not good now. Mostly because it makes sex a chore.

[Jalapeñomel]

How old is your child? We definitely go through phases like this, but it was really bad for the first 1-1.5 years of my son's life.

[ny96]

We were in a not so great place about 6 months ago where H was totally fed up with my lack of interest. I have to say that the thing that really helped us get back to a better place was my "fake it till you make it" mindset shift and working harder to make time for just the two of us.

[fashionx]

We are totally in a rut too, majorly fueled by just being tired and adjusting (still! DD is 1) to life as parents. I know we love each other, but there isn't really passion right now. We aren't having a lot of sex, which I think is a strain, but I'm also too tired to initiate, so I wait for him to.

I think it's normal. I try to be nicer and not start dumb fights, but once in awhile it happens and I think it hits harder than normal since we're not as close right now. If that makes sense.

[teatimefor2]

We are in a good spot now, but over nearly 10 years of marriage, we have had our ups and downs.

Four years into our marriage, we hit a real rough patch. I actually wonder if divorce was right for us. I won't get into it, but neither of us was happy and our living arrangement was causing a lot of undue stress that impacted us negatively.

We booked a trip and went to Italy. We talked but most importantly realized that we are a team and partners. Partners have up and downs. Sometimes one of us has to led and sometimes the other does.

Talk to your DH and try T come up with a plan, but give each other slack. Marriage changes as people change, children and added and the future unfolds. I hope you guys get to the place your searching for.

[estrellita]

*hugs* I know exactly how you feel. H and I have been a little rocky for a while. I'm tired all the time so I have no desire to be physical. Then if you read my posts on WC you know that he kinda screwed up and things hit rock bottom. We are going to counseling in Oct (earliest they could get us in) so I'm hoping that will help. Not just with the money issues my H has, but with the other things that were building up at the same time. I think part of it was the "friend" thing you're describing. We're both great with E and we do things as a family but the passion just isn't there. So I'm hoping the counselor can help with this as well. I hope you're able to get out of this rut. I think it would be a good idea to have a good long talk about things or maybe even go in for a counseling session or two before thinking about TTC #2. I know our #2 is on hold possibly longer because of the issues we're having (we were waiting until after BFF's wedding in Nov but now probably longer..).

[krystee]

Sept 5, 2016 20:49:55 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

How old is your child? We definitely go through phases like this, but it was really bad for the first 1-1.5 years of my son's life.

17 months. This was occasionally an issue before parenthood too, though, so I worry it won't ever be fixed. Ugh.

[dcn]

Things have been a little rocky, we are not great when we have little babies i guess. We've had a crazy 4 years with moves, kids, professional changes, loss of parents etc. We've both recognized it, so that's good I guess. Hopefully we can reconnect soon.

[luv2rn4fun]

I can relate. DH and I are more roommates and coparents than husband and wife these days. It started when C was born and has not recovered. Also, DH has a horribly low sex drive and the only times we have had decent passion and an ok sex life has been when TTC. It has been pretty non- existent and a huge source of contention the rest of our marriage and it worries me that it will never change (since DH seems content as is and is not motivated to work on things). I just try to do my best to not let it drive me crazy and ruin our otherwise decent relationship.

[cjeanette]

Honestly we are in the same place. I can't recall the last time we had sex. What is worse is this doesn't bother me. I know we need to put some effort in there but we aren't unhappy. We just have a lot in our lives right now and at the end of the day we both crave solitude. So when is there time for anything else?

[rugbywife]

Well, my anti depressants have fucked my sex drive, as has being 40lbs over weight. So that certainly doesn't help things. We still have sex but nothing like we did early in our relationship. I think DH misses it. I think I would miss it more if I had a sex drive and felt attractive.

I think we struggle a lot with stress. I am worried as we both return to work for the first time in 2 years. Two little kids and two working parents is going to challenge us, I am sure.

Sorry you are struggling.

[Mrs.flang]

Well, we have a four week old so I'm not in any place to really comment on how we are doing because we're still adjusting. We've definitely had some MAJOR highs and lows though in our eight years married.

One thing I've come to think of when we are at low points is to consider the alternative. Even if things feel bad at the time, there's good that outweighs it and that I wouldn't find that kind of good being alone or with anyone else. Early in our marriage when we would hit a low I used to imagine a different life and would lose focus on the good, which made it much, much worse. I got so close to losing the relationship a few years ago that I've come to appreciate it much more. Hopefully everyone that is posting about being in a rut can reach that point without having to come so close to losing it.

[grosnl19]

I could have written this post...no advice though as we are in the same spot. Interested in the replies .

[cincodemayo]

Marriage is such a weird relationship really. You're supposed to have undying passion and devotion for someone that you also have to share these tedious tasks and crazy responsibilities with. That's not realistic.

We have a six month old baby and neither of us sleep right now so I am taking this as a freebie year. We are fine, but bicker way more than necessary and sex is really more of a chore for me. But I'm pretty happy with just being partners/friends/roommates right now. I have a lot on my plate that demands more of my attention. I know that as long as we can keep the friendship, we can focus on marriage more later.

[pacificrules]

Yep, like PPs said...marriage is weird. And super hard.

We've been in a rough spot for awhile, but I think we're slowly coming out of it. For us, we struggle(d) to even like each other much of the time so we've had to work on a lot of encouragement/trust/etc. With that getting built back, the passion and fun is coming too (bit by bit). I think we've got a LONG way to go, but I know that we're on the right track.

Have you read/heard of The Five Love Languages? We went through that book several years ago. It helped us understand what made the other person feel loved so that we could intentionally do those things to make each other feel cared about.

Two other books that have been recommended to me (both Christian-based, I think, so not sure how you feel about that) are:
Date Your Wife by Justin Buzzard
Love Dare by Alex Kendrick


I'll also say, from my experience, having a second kid actually seemed to bring us closer. I think when we had one it was easier for one of us to align ourselves with DD rather than each other. Now, with two, we've got to be a team. It's more clear than we're parents and they're kids, which has strengthened our relationship. Not sure if that makes sense

[longtimenopost]

About the same here. Good partners and friends, but no passion. The worst is that it makes me feel insecure, like I want him to constantly prove he really does love me and not just our family, with words and actions (including sex, which for the first time in 10 years I seem to want more than him). I want to ask him to step up the romance but I flip flop between thinking it's selfish when we have so much going on or whether I should push the issue. I know being at my highest weight ever contributes to my insecurity.

[ellipses84]

Pdq.
Day to day, I feel like we are better than we have been in the past. We are connecting more and acting as a team when it comes to taking care of the kids. We've been together for 11 years.

However, we really need to go to regular marriage counseling because it feels like every few months for the past couple years we get in the same huge fights that take a couple of days to resolve and at certain times when I needed him the most, he was not there for me in the way he should have been. It's hard to find the time to go when we are not in crisis mode. 2 years ago we hit a rough patch during some major life changes. In hindsight, I think DH had been depressed about his job situation and when that improved, his depression subsided and a lot of anger surfaced.

We got through it and things were great, got pregnant, and then had one of the worst years of our lives. Several people close to us died, including my father and DH's BFF. DH had a traumatic brain injury. A natural disaster destroyed our house and almost everything in it. There's some major health issues in my family that I may have as well, so I'm in the process of getting tested. The baby has been the one bright spot in all of it and has brought a lot of joy to us. DH has had an incredibly hard time getting over his BFF's death. Some of the depression and anger has come back. Sometimes he doesn't seem like himself, like he is mentally exhausted and not entirely present, and I'm not sure which thing to attribute it to - mourning or lingering effects of his injury. I felt a little depressed, and my doctors were concerned about PPD/PPA but I really felt like it was situational and normal to feel the way I was considering our circumstances. I feel completely fine now. Even though DH does a lot, I still feel frustrated being the default parent and often having to deal with things on my own due to his work hours.

[broadsheet]

We fall into that rut sometimes because our jobs/kids are so demanding. A kid-free vacation or even just a night without kids does wonders. At least a few times a year, the ILs come visit from out of state and watch the kids while H and I take off (sometimes just to a hotel downtown!) It helps so much.

[abs]

I think what you are feeling is normal.

Marriage is hard already and then having a kid really changes that dynamic. When DD was young she was very challenging. The first 3 years really tested our marriage. She was colicky, had developmental delays, had health issues...it was just very isolating. DH and I definitely fell more into a friends zone during that time. And that's okay--that's what we needed. We didn't have enough energy for anything else. She was the priority and we weren't. DD needed that--we spent a lot of hours at various doctors and therapy. There just wasn't time for us.

Now it's hard to get out of that rut though. And of course more challenges have come up. DH is super stressed about his job. I think he's probably going through a mid life crisis of sorts. We've been pretty snippy with each other lately which I hate. He just hasn't seemed very happy with anything lately though and I have zero tolerance for the martyr act. He is trying though--he recognizes he needs help relaxing and has tried a few things. I'm not perfect either--I have always needed ample alone time and of course that is hard when you have a kid. I'm always one million times happier during the school year so right now I personally am in a good place. DH is not but he's trying and I'm trying to be more supportive.

What helps us is regular nights out and vacations. Both are hard for a variety of reasons but we instantly fall into our old selves when we reconnect doing something we used to love. Quality time together is so important and it can't be at home or else we just ignore each other and do our own thing. Also, sex. Touch and affection is DH's love language. Mine is gifts and words of affirmation. Keeping those in mind helps.

Hang in there! I really do think what you are feeling is normal.

[arch01]

We've been in the same spot-climbed out-and fallen back. I'd say our marriage ebbs and flows on this.

I have a low sex drive. It drives DH crazy. He wants more, and I'm totally fine with now and then. We have had a pretty rough couple of years, and I, like @starry, can totally see why people get divorced. Marriage is fucking hard. It's hard to be good at everything-and marriage IMO is so easy to let fall by the wayside. You get to a point where you are just doing what you need to do to get through the day-and forget to take care of the marriage. I know it's cliche, but it's totally true for me. We are back on an upswing, but it's hard. We've enjoyed the past few weekends together, which makes sex more desirable. I'm not an affectionate person, but I've found that forcing myself to stop and give him a kiss, hold hands, etc. helps get us back on track.

[ssmjlm]

We have our ups and downs. The first year was a total nightmare looking back between this total shift in our marriage/life and sleep deprivation/stress. DH and I were together for 6.5 years before E was born and she turned our world upside down good and bad.

One thing is we have to communicate more. We both have a habit of shutting down, sticking to our introverted selves and just going through day to day when we're upset/stressed. It doesn't work and it doesn't fix things. I hate talking about my feelings, but it does help for us.

I also try and be mindful about sex. I do enjoy it and love when we get into a good pattern with it, but next you know it's Monday, we're all tired and cranky from being back into the routine and I don't think about it again until the weekend. DH's love language is words of affirmation and touch, mine is acts of service and gifts. Yesterday he was amazing and really hit my love languages, but I've got strep, so returning the favor wasn't happening, but I let him know through words at least how much I appreciated all he did.

[yellowbrkrd]

We are in a rut as well. Adding another baby to the mix has made it even more difficult to find time to ourselves and for each other. We talk about it but then we're both just so tired and in need of solo time that our relationship doesn't get the attention it needs.

This may seem silly but every once in a while we ask each other to list 3 things that are bothering them/not going well and 3 things that are going well/make them happy. We alternate and it seems to get us back into the groove of talking about stuff and connecting.

[simpsongal]

Good friends of ours just announced a mutual divorce. They have no kids, been together almost 15 years. Apparently, their relationship had largely just devolved into a physical one and they were pretty much living separate lives. I suspect it's probably harder to fix a situation like theirs rather than the problem of feeling like friends/roommates b/c you don't engage enough physically.

We are going through your situation. Also PDQ - per my poll a few weeks ago, DH cannot engage physically w/me when I'm pregnant. It's just such a mental turn off for him (FWIW, I'm a cute pregnant lady). It's very difficult, and I doubt we'll be tearing it up 6 weeks PP w/toddler and newborn. We're both trying to make an effort to hug and kiss, hold hands. B/c sometimes you just get busy and don't bother. I'm hoping things will get better in a year or so (!) hopefully when my body is getting to it's new normal. I'll make an effort to work out and eat well (DH stays in great shape), and hopefully things will pick up again.

[osulori]

We are also in the roommates/parters/coparents who have sex semiregularly club. I'm not quite sure how to get out of it though. Part of it is a combination of our work schedules and I think part is the fact that we do need more of the nonsexual contact, but he thinks we don't have sex enough (usually 1-3 times between Saturday and Monday) so he has a tendency to turn every physical contact sexual. And damnit that gets really old after a while. So it's a somewhat vicious cycle for sure.

[1yeartogo]

I think it's easy to fall into the friends mode when you have younger children and a lot of demands on your time. One thing that helps me is planning a date night with DH during the week every week. Maybe once a month we actually go out to dinner and get a sitter, the other nights we plan to have a drink together after the kids are in bed or plan to watch a show or movie or sometimes just talk and connect. Usually date nights are implied intimate nights too. It's not a chore, it gives us something fun to look forward to and makes us take the time to connect physically. I often think that if you wait too long to engage in physical acts the time can really get away from you and it is that much harder to reconnect on a more intimate level.

[osulori]

Sept 6, 2016 8:38:54 GMT -5 @starry said:

osulori I hate the every kiss = sex thing. Makes me not want to kiss you know?

Kiss, hug, hold hands, snuggle on the couch or in bed, blah blah blah...then I call him on it, he says it's because I rarely want to have sex, I tell him it's because he can't seem to touch me without trying to grope me, etc etc etc.

[bluelikejazz]

Poof

[glitzy07]

You know how people tell you that your children are the worst with you because they feel safe with you, and comfortable knowing that they can do anything to you and you'll still love them? I think some of that also applies with marriage too.

When my H is having a shitty time at work or somewhere else in his life, I always end up being the target of his crankiness and vice versa. We both know it's not fair, but we both do it. I recently really encouraged him to take on a new position (a transfer to a new location) specifically because he has been SO crabby at work lately and I'm sick of him taking it out on me. Here's hoping for a positive change!