My kids now have a stepmother

[redshoejune]

And I am really not ok with it. How do I get ok with it?

[jenstar]

Hugs redshoejune, I think I'd struggle with this too. My DS kind of does have a stepmum but they aren't married so I don't consider her that way really.

I think the only thing you can really do is put your focus on your own relationship with your kids and making that the best it can be. Are you in therapy? I found that helped me with this kind of stuff in the past. x

[cuddlyevil]

Therapy and focusing on the kids.

My XH had a long-term GF so that kinda got me past it. But now they're broken up and he is dating again, so I'm dealing with him introducing them too soon to the new ones.

[sacattack]

As both a step mother and a mother whose children have a step mother, I totally get your position.

Like others have said you need to remind yourself that their stepmother is just another person in their life who cares for them. I know that seems to over simplify the complex feelings that come along with this, but just keep reminding yourself of this and you will start to see that its true. 

I can tell you first hand that while my step kids care for me, I'm def. third on their preference list after their bio parents, and when they are sick or tired they always as for their bio mom. And I see the same with my kids - given the choice my kids want me.

Now having said that, I think its really important that they feel good about their step parent, as they are a big part of their life so be supportive and talk positively about them. You need to accept her and welcome whatever it is she brings to the table. You will find that its a great addition to your life and theirs - my kids get to do things with their step mom that I don't know how to do or want to do. And remember its not a competition.  My daughter had her first pedicure with her step-mom and at first I was annoyed but then I thought about it and I can promise this was a nonevent in my daughters mind - only in mine.

I could go on and on about this. My ex married the woman he cheated on me with and for a LONG time I couldn't even say her name without physical pain. Now I would go so far as to say we are friends. It gets better!

[heywhat]

What, specifically, are you not OK with?
Do you not like the person? Do you think they are not a positive influence on your child? Are you jealous or afraid that your child might start to love you less?

My ex has a girlfriend and so far I have been OK with it. From what my son says, she is very kind to him and that is what matters most to me. I want to foster a positive relationship between the two of them so he can have a happy home life where ever he is.

[Linie]

My X's son was 7 when I first met him. I made a lot of effort for him and his mum to appreciate me (I always behaved as his adult friend and left parenting to his parents). Our first years went fine and then for some silly reason (jealousy) his mum turned on me.

As a direct result, her son started to dislike me and acted up when he was with us. It's not the main reason of our divorce, but it certainly did not help. His relationship with his dad also deteriorated as a result of that.

If she is a positive element in your children's lives (I had a horrible stepmother at some time), please give her the benefit of the doubt.

[Mrs.Rad888]

No matter how little my XH and I got along after the divorce, we always managed to be on the same page with regards to raising DD. We always felt the most important thing for her to see was the adults in her life as a team that only wanted the best for her. The adults didn't always act like adults, but she didn't see that.
DD's stepmom has been a fantastic mom to her, and I'm very thankful that DD has her. But, even if that wasn't the case, it's still important for the kids to think that it is. If the new step-parents are making any kind of gestures that their main concern is for the well-being of the kids, that should be nurtured and encouraged. 

[redshoejune]

I know I have to deal but I haven't figured out how. I have a voice in my head screaming that this isn't the way things were supposed to be! and I get teary eyed every time I imagine trying to make some "be the bigger person gesture." I don't know how I would get through actually doing it.
This is the woman who my kids have known for over a year that I haven't ever talked to because according to my x "she doesn't want to".
The woman who let my lying and abusive x spend the night with her kids after they had only known each other for 2 months.
Everything I know about her comes from my kids because my x is a pos who didn't even tell me when they moved in together.

[redshoejune]

And no, I've never said anything bad about her. I smile at my kids when they go on about her favorite color and how she does their hair, and when my dd was proud of a picture she drew for her, and how much fun they had at the wedding.
I just need to know how to shut up the voice telling me it is wrong for my kids to have another mother.

[redshoejune]

And now I'm crying at my desk because I am not ok with this and have to accept it and I can't deal.

[sacattack]

Sept 16, 2016 15:25:38 GMT -5 redshoejune said:

And now I'm crying at my desk because I am not ok with this and have to accept it and I can't deal.

I totally get this - its OK to be upset. I was there for a LONG time, but it also got to a point where I was tired of being sad and bitter. It was eating me up. I read this saying once - hatred (or whatever feeling you have) is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. My other favorite saying is "You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy."

You don't need to be OK with this tomorrow or even this year, but for your own sanity you need to figure out a way to let the past go. 

She is probably scared and nervous to meet you, so I would also let it go for now. But I would also let XH know you would still like to meet and maybe I'd even passively say to the kids next time they talk about her - "Oh, I'd love to meet X".

I promise you that with time this does get better.

[Deleted]

I remember from previous posts that you said you were in therapy. Perhaps, it's time to switch therapists/type of therapy to help give you better tools to cope.

[sparkythelawyer]

Sept 16, 2016 15:23:21 GMT -5 redshoejune said:

And no, I've never said anything bad about her. I smile at my kids when they go on about her favorite color and how she does their hair, and when my dd was proud of a picture she drew for her, and how much fun they had at the wedding.
I just need to know how to shut up the voice telling me it is wrong for my kids to have another mother.

No matter what she does for them, they do not have another mother. They have one mother - you. I'm sorry, change like this sucks the big one. Hang in there.