An update

[themoneytree]

Not sure if you remember my previous posts, but I'm the one who basically impulse bought a house and stbx had to get my mortgage for me.

Well most people now know that we're separating which is a start, but we're still not actually separated. The old house closed last week which is a HUGE relief, but I was getting creepy phone calls and freaked out and agreed to let stbx move into the downstairs bedroom while he looks for a house.

It's been going ok for almost 3 weeks, but I'm really over it. I'd almost rather take my chances with creepy caller.

I'm just so.... sad about it all. He's now admitting that he's the driving force behind the split which is good I think, but at the same time I feel so let down and just miserable.
I don't really want him to move out but I just think this is a band aid that needs to be ripped off. I can't keep going.

He gets frustrated if I ask him relationship related questions. Which I rarely do for the record. It's like he thinks we should be living as BFF's in this situation.

I guess I just can't believe I'm in this position. It will get better right?

[doriswe]

Truth? It will get better once you start the actual work of starting over without your stbxh living under your roof. It's going to be scary as hell, at first, and then you find your groove again and it feels AMAZING! There will be bad days, lonely days, days you can't think straight but with time there are fewer of those and way more of the awesome days. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. But start moving forward because this limbo you're in will make you batty!

[themoneytree]

He said tonight that I never hold back. LOL!! I do nothing BUT hold back. I am pleasant and agreeable and make a huge effort 99% of the time.
Even the 1% only gives him the tiniest taste of how I really feel.

I understand now how divorces can get so very nasty. I won't ever go there with him for our daughter's sake. I want to be as amicable as possible and to really try and get past this with my dignity in tact. But damn. Some days it isn't easy.

I do feel like I'm in limbo. Teetering on the edge of the cliff and knowing I have to make the leap at some point.
Now I just want it to be now. He's house shopping but nothing is happening fast enough.

[doriswe]

Is the house in your name only? Could you give him a "I need you out by such and such date and we need to officially file"? I'm guessing he's not moving too quickly because he's got the best of both worlds - family time and the ability to be "separated" and do what he wants.

Think about it this way, if your DD was in this same situation and you saw her hurting, what would you tell her to do?

Life is too short to live like this.

[themoneytree]

No it's in both our names but I am fairly (?) certain he would move out if I told him I needed him to. My problem is that while he thinks I'm difficult, I'm actually far too nice. He thinks this is all fine. And it's not.

But I'm also scared to be by myself. I accidentally hit the water handle the other day and had no water upstairs. He fixed it in a second. And he's hanging pictures and stuff. I don't know when I because this loser who needs a guy to do shit around the house.
Ultimately it's all excuses. He needs to go so I can start to try and recover from this. The problem is that I now trust men even less than I did before AND I also question my judgement which I never did before. I clearly have some stuff to work through.

I never thought I would be in this situation. Ever. Not in a million years.

[themoneytree]

He also doesn't want to file because he wants to keep me on his health insurance? I'm really afraid of this health insurance issue. It's the one thing that could drive me to move home so I don't know what to do.

[Deleted]

Don't ask relationship questions. Look up health insurance rates on the state exchange. Your health insurance is not his concern unless paying your premiums is part of the divorce settlement. I would have discussion about putting an end date on him living in the house and also on filing for separation/divorce. I get it, I lived with my XH for two months after we decided to divorce. It doesn't end well.

[themoneytree]

Sept 19, 2016 22:36:27 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Don't ask relationship questions. Look up health insurance rates on the state exchange. Your health insurance is not his concern unless paying your premiums is part of the divorce settlement. I would have discussion about putting an end date on him living in the house and also on filing for separation/divorce. I get it, I lived with my XH for two months after we decided to divorce. It doesn't end well.

It says zero plans available. WTF? Should that be possible? I'll try again when it's not 2.30am, but this isn't encouraging.

[Linie]

It took me almost a year to move out of the house because I was scared, even if I was already renting an apartment and didn't need XH financially.

I will never forget the amount of fear I felt when I drove away with a fully loaded car full of my stuff on a late Monday night. It took all the courage I had to not turn back and tell him I was going to stay. But I didn't and two years later, I feel so much better (it didn't take 2 years to get there!).

I fully agree with @lemonlover, on the steps to take next.

Good luck!

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree with doriswe, that he is enjoying the best of both worlds. Don't let the convenience of him at the house, ie hanging pitures, stop you from making a healthy choice for you and your child.

I am sure there are a ton of people, neighbors or friends, who can help you with "handy man" work around the house. In the alternative, you can do what I do, which is text my brother if I can borrow all his electric tools. He is terrified at the mere thought of me using tools, that he comes over to my house and helps me.

In all seriousness, you need to stop coming up with reasons for him to not move out. If you are worried about your safety, get an alarm system, or a dog. If you are worried about being lonely, find a hobby or group for the nights you don't have your child. You can do this! We are here to support you! HUGS!!!

[doglove]

It's scary to do things on your own, especially when you've had someone there to help, but that's where you will begin to feel empowered. You will do the things you didn't think you could do and if you can't do them - you'll find someone to call to help. A friend, a professional, etc. It will feel good because you will be able to handle all of this on your own and you can do it. It starts with a small task and then another and then another and pretty soon, you're doing it! You just have to take that first step. It's okay to be scared. That's completely normal.

[redshoejune]

Sept 20, 2016 7:10:30 GMT -5 doglove said:

It's scary to do things on your own, especially when you've had someone there to help, but that's where you will begin to feel empowered. You will do the things you didn't think you could do and if you can't do them - you'll find someone to call to help. A friend, a professional, etc. It will feel good because you will be able to handle all of this on your own and you can do it. It starts with a small task and then another and then another and pretty soon, you're doing it! You just have to take that first step. It's okay to be scared. That's completely normal.

House and yard projects I thought I couldn't do gave me a huge boost after the divorce. Even still it is very satisfying. It turns out I have great neighbors who will help me out if I need it and I never would have known if I was still married.
I learned about hanging things and fixing things and trimming hedges from youtube videos. The people at home depot helped ne figure out what parts I needed to fix my toilet and how to texture my walls for painting.
It's amazing and satisfying to do things on my own. It can be overwhelming and I miss having a someone else who is responsible for the house too, but now I know that it isn't something I need.

You can't really move forward until he's gone and I worry for you that his name is on the house.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I can't wrap my head around both of your names being on the house :/ assuming that he'll play nice and sign the house over is naive at best, very few divorces are that amicable.

Being alone at first IS scary but as you start doing things by yourself, you build up confidence and things become less scary. There are countless ways to secure your house other than having your stbxh there - dogs, alarm systems, motion sensing lights, etc.

I agree w the other posters that as long as you let him live there, he's enjoying the best of both worlds. If you're serious about separating/ divorcing getting his name off of 'your' house and him getting his own place should be the first order of business.

[Deleted]

And LOL to the suggestion dogs protecting the house. My dogs bark at the ice maker and freak me out more. I have cameras that are motion activated and sound an alarm both in the apartment and on my phone so I can call the police. I trust those before a dog.

I hope he does the right thing and gives you the house in the divorce.

[themoneytree]

He will. The house was always meant to be only mine. He's shopping for a different one now.
I just need to figure out how to get him off the deed legally.

[Deleted]

Sept 19, 2016 21:25:16 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

basically impulse bought a house and stbx had to get my mortgage for me.

Sooooooooooo, the fact that the property was purchased by mortgage in his name means you'll likely have to assign the mortgage solely to you to have him removed in name from the property.  And after you've divorced, depending on your state.  Wasn't this going to be a cash purchase originally?  Regardless, I hope it all goes as well as you're hoping because this has HOTMESS written all over it.

[themoneytree]

Sept 20, 2016 12:14:36 GMT -5 @bigtowlittletoe said:

Sept 19, 2016 21:25:16 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

basically impulse bought a house and stbx had to get my mortgage for me.

Sooooooooooo, the fact that the property was purchased by mortgage in his name means you'll likely have to assign the mortgage solely to you to have him removed in name from the property.  And after you've divorced, depending on your state.  Wasn't this going to be a cash purchase originally?  Regardless, I hope it all goes as well as you're hoping because this has HOTMESS written all over it.

Mortgage is being paid off probably this month.

[glynn]

Good Luck! I lived with XH for 8 months before moving out, it was hard. I am so much better off now.

[itsmyparty]

I don't recall if you told us about the "creepy phone calls," but is it possible that your husband made them? You know, as a way of convincing you to keep him around? Seems awfully convenient.

[themoneytree]

Sept 20, 2016 17:28:33 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

I don't recall if you told us about the "creepy phone calls," but is it possible that your husband made them? You know, as a way of convincing you to keep him around? Seems awfully convenient.

Definitely not. For one I really don't think he would ever do something like that and two he was present for more than one of them.
I actually handed him the phone during one.

But he has now convinced himself that he's actually doing me a favor by being here as security. Which is fine and true to a point, but I just didn't expect it to be for a long time. It's been 3 weeks and I'm ready for him to go.

[ladyk]

Reach out to a real estate lawyer in your area. They can draw up a deed to get him off of title. You need to do this ASAP as the longer he stays there (on the deed or not), he can become a "tenant" in the eyes of the law and you may have to evict him if he doesn't leave on his own.

My XH and I lived together about 4 months after we decided to separate and before he moved out. He was talking about moving out some time in the fall (this was March) and I was like "Oh hell no" because in my state you have to physically separated 366 days before you can file. It was an extremely hard 4 months, partially because while I had finally put my foot down to all of the shenanigans he was up to, I still was a doormat. Looking back, his happy *ss should have moved out Jan 1 which was about 2 weeks after we decided to separate.

Give him a firm deadline to get out. It doesn't matter if he's bought a house yet. He can rent an apartment or stay at an extended living hotel for awhile. He wants the divorce? Then he needs to move out of the house. He's a cake-eater right now. There are absolutely no consequences for his actions.

Get thee to a divorce lawyer ASAP, especially since you have a child.

You can do this. It will get easier but 1) it won't start until he's out of the house and 2) it will take time.

Peace be with you.

[themoneytree]

I realize I sound naive but while he has his faults, I have no concern that he won't move out and sign the quitclaim. I really hope I don't have to come back in here to tell everyone I was wrong about that.

[brooke77]

Echoing the other posters. Please see an attorney. My XH and I "agreed" to everything before he moved out. It took him over a year to move out because he was "looking for a house", "looking for an apartment", "waiting for ....". I figured since I was patient with him moving out that once he did, our divorce would go smoothly. We had everything resolved when he moved out. Imagine my shock when he moved out and 2 days later advised me that he saw an attorney and was demanding $60K or the house be sold AND that I keep him on my insurance for life. Oh and that I split his legal bills.

Things can get really unfriendly once you're no longer under one roof and reality hits. I wouldn't count on the fact that your agreement will stand. Ours did eventually - after another year.... I wish I hadn't wasted two and a half years of my life in a holding pattern and had seen an attorney earlier.

[itsmyparty]

Him living in the house, fixing things, hanging photos, etc...these are all ways that he is establishing equal ownership and equity in the house. You are still married, you bought this house with him, and no matter who pays the mortgage, it is considered marital property. I hope you're right and that he does the right thing, but like others have said, I'd be very skeptical of his motives.

Have you been to a divorce attorney yet? I can't imagine any divorce attorney ever advising their client to purchase a house WITH their supposed soon-to-be-ex after they've told them they want a divorce. You need to stop thinking of the "nice" or "polite" things to do and start protecting yourself the way a woman should when her husband tells her he no longer loves her and wants to divorce her. In this case, your husband could easily force the sale of the house and take half the proceeds (which he could use to buy his own place).

ETA: I'm also pissed at him for emotionally manipulating you like this. Shame on him for telling you he wants out, then hanging around like he is. I'm still not convinced he doesn't have something to do with the creepy phone calls, but whatever. 

EATA: OK, just saw your phone call threads in ML. So maybe not the husband...but makes a convenient excuse for him to hang around. Tell him you don't need him there anymore.

[themoneytree]

I saw an attorney a while back who recommended collaborative divorce. Then I discovered stbx had also been to see an attorney and had got some different numbers which was a problem but I think we are fairly close to agreement now. We need to start putting things in writing for sure.

It doesn't make a huge amount of sense for him to claim half of this house. Now that the old house has sold we are splitting stuff more or less 50/ 50 although I have asked for at least some alimony as a lump sum. The house will be coming out of my half and I won't agree to an asset split until he signs the quitclaim.

We're meant to be continuing the asset division talks in therapy on Friday, then making an appointment with the divorce coach and then attorneys to write it up... assuming we can agree. I'm pretty fed up at the minute and not really in the mood to get pushed around, so we'll see how it goes.

You all are right that I have to start setting better boundaries and that I need to stop trusting him to do the right thing. I think he will, but I also thought he wanted to be married to me and apparently I was wrong about that too.

[glynn]

Mine told me he would help me get a house i could have sole custody of our daughter and he would pay me off. NONE of that happened. When he saw the numbers he even went after my retirement. Divorce sucks. I am struggling but much happier without him.

[thedutchgirl]

In my state it doesn't matter if his name is on the deed or not. If you buy property while married, the spouse has an interest that has to be disclaimed after the divorce. So maybe that's themoneytree's situation too.

I get the comfort from having him around, but it's time to make steps for him to go. Rip the bandaid off.

[themoneytree]

Sept 22, 2016 13:29:31 GMT -5 glynn said:

Mine told me he would help me get a house i could have sole custody of our daughter and he would pay me off. NONE of that happened. When he saw the numbers he even went after my retirement. Divorce sucks. I am struggling but much happier without him.

That's awful, I'm so sorry.

[carrotsmakemefat]

Sept 19, 2016 22:05:08 GMT -5 themoneytree said:

He also doesn't want to file because he wants to keep me on his health insurance? I'm really afraid of this health insurance issue. It's the one thing that could drive me to move home so I don't know what to do.

You can write it into your divorce decree that he keeps you on insurance, or pays for insurance. For a set time or whatever you decide