How would you handle this situation?

[kicks]

Update in replies on 2nd page
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My parents separated rather unexpectantly about 7 years ago now,but didn't get officially divorced until early last year I think. I guess they just grew apart over the past few years before the separation, but I don't know any details. Anyway, they've remained cordial and friendly, they go to the same church and come see me for events (like the half marathon I ran 2 years ago).

My dad has a girlfriend and she and her 2 kids just relocated to live with my dad. I have never met her except for once via Skype when me and my dad were overseas on vacation 2 years ago. I had no clue they were moving in with my dad until he texted me and told me he was at her house helping to pack the uhaul.

My birthday is coming up. Both parents asked if they could come see me the Sat after my birthday. I told my mom yes and that my dad was also planning to come and she said ok sounds good.

I then spoke with my dad on the phone yesterday. He said, "we are still planning to come up for your birthday." I just said, "ok, sounds good."

I assume the we is him and his girlfriend because he would not say we if he was referring to my mom because they wouldn't drive together and I never told him that my mom was coming.

This whole thing is still kind of weird for me and I honestly don't want to meet her on my birthday in my house and feel like I have to be a great host or something and I will also feel awkward with my mom being there, even though my mom is the one who initiated the divorce. I don't know if that's me being bratty, I want to meet her but was thinking it'd be over a holiday or something. I just wanted my birthday to be a chill day of hanging out with my parents.

I work 6 days per week, so I honestly don't want to have them visit separate weekends because then 2 weekends in a row I wouldn't be able to do errands on Sat.

So can/should I say anything to my dad? Take the passive aggressive route and say "I'm making a reservation for 4 for you, me and mom' what time will you be here?" and see what he says or just suck it up. I don't know why all of this is still hard for me to navigate and I feel like a bad person/daughter (fwiw I'm an only child)

[threejs]

I think you should tell your dad how you feel, and ask if the girlfriend can sit this one out. Just explain that your Mom will be there, and while she may be okay with it, and you may in the end be okay with it, you'd rather have a relaxing bday without having to think/stress too much. My child is only 8, but she is an only child, and I'd like to think that as an adult, I'd be willing to respect her wishes on something like this.

[kicks]

Sept 23, 2016 9:10:37 GMT -5 freedom said:

My parents got divorced after 30 years of marriage and it's been so hard on me. 2 thanksgivings!

I think you should tell your dad how you feel. That you just want to chill with him and your mom. They have shown they can do it so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Ok I'm glad you understand. It's def been an adjustment after them being together for almost 30 years. I'm not a big holiday person in general, plus now I either have to work or only get the day of the holiday off....so it's definitely a juggling act between both of them now. 

[dr.girlfriend]

This may be in the category of unpopular opinions, but I would find out if she's coming so you can let mom know, but not try to dissuade her. I don't see any way you can specifically exclude her without coming across as hostile. And honestly, I totally get wanting your birthday to be about you, but it's not like your wedding or something (and now that I think of it, my husband's parents met for the first time in 30 years at our wedding, and it wasn't great but we dealt with it). She's a big part of your dad's life now, and unless you're willing to make a separate trip down to meet her in advance to get that part over with, I think you have to be cordial and inclusive to her now.

[borinquen57]

Sept 23, 2016 10:01:57 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

This may be in the category of unpopular opinions, but I would find out if she's coming so you can let mom know, but not try to dissuade her. I don't see any way you can specifically exclude her without coming across as hostile. And honestly, I totally get wanting your birthday to be about you, but it's not like your wedding or something (and now that I think of it, my husband's parents met for the first time in 30 years at our wedding, and it wasn't great but we dealt with it). She's a big part of your dad's life now, and unless you're willing to make a separate trip down to meet her in advance to get that part over with, I think you have to be cordial and inclusive to her now.

I'm here. I wouldn't be super excited to meet her like this but I'd give my mom a heads up and make the best of it. In my case, if my mom was super uncomfortable I would choose having her over my father because we're close.

[sfy]

So in terms of parents' divorces, I think your situation seems closest to mine of almost anyone with whom I've ever discussed it. Maybe a slight difference is that my parents are more than cordial and still very good friends (although my mother has drawn the line at my father coming on our family vacations lol). Anyway, I would absolutely tell my father that I would prefer just he and my mother come, and I'd add the reasons that you've given which I think are rational and not bratty--you don't want to play hostess after working six days a week and you'd rather not be spending your birthday playing introductory games with his boo and her brood. Only more diplomatically like the nice lady you are . I think this is a completely reasonable request and really, if I were in bae's shoes, I would have said this myself.

[kicks]

Sept 23, 2016 10:01:57 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

This may be in the category of unpopular opinions, but I would find out if she's coming so you can let mom know, but not try to dissuade her. I don't see any way you can specifically exclude her without coming across as hostile. And honestly, I totally get wanting your birthday to be about you, but it's not like your wedding or something (and now that I think of it, my husband's parents met for the first time in 30 years at our wedding, and it wasn't great but we dealt with it). She's a big part of your dad's life now, and unless you're willing to make a separate trip down to meet her in advance to get that part over with, I think you have to be cordial and inclusive to her now.

I do get what your'e saying.

It's not that I want it to be all about me...I definitely don't like the spotlight at all!

I just feel like it will be a weird dynamic if to have the 3 of them, meeting for the first time, in my house. I feel like I'll have to be a host instead of it being more of a laid back hang out with my parents because this lady is a stranger to me and I presume it will somewhat change the dynamic.

It'd be different if it were a wedding or holiday in which there would be a large group. But this will just be me and them and I just imagine some awkwardness on my part at least. When I get together with my parents there are often conversations about past memories, both sides of the family, etc...and I just don't feel like I'd be as open with her there with it being the first meeting. 

[kicks]

Sept 23, 2016 15:36:59 GMT -5 sfy said:

Only more diplomatically like the nice lady you are . 

(hot)

[orangeblossom]

I don't see anything wrong with asking to meet her at a separate time, especially for a first meeting. If they're in this for the long haul, there will be plenty of time for you to meet, as well as your mom meeting her. Not that your mom's opinion matters in who your dad dates, but I can think of few things more awkward than meeting my father's new girlfriend for the first time, with my mother present, who is also meeting her for the first time, on my birthday.

In fact, I think your father should have thought about that when making these arrangements. I get it, it's tough trying to navigate dating as a mature adult and have adult children. Of course, as an adult and parent, you'll do what you want, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be sensitive to how things go.

I can say that my father did not go about introducing his companion in a great way, and there were a lot of issues. He even apologized in an umprompted letter to each of us separately, along with some other things, about how he could have done things better as far as introducing us to her.

In general, I'm always trying to be nice, tow the line and be a team player, but for this, I'd have no trouble saying:

Dad, if you don't mind I'd really like to it to just be you, me, boyfriend and mom. I absolutely want to meet your girlfriend, but don't feel that this would be the best opportunity to so and give her the attention she deserves, as I know she is very important to you. How about we meet, XYZ (that way you're actively planning for the future with a concrete date, so it's clear you're not pushing him off forever)

[kicks]

Sept 23, 2016 17:49:42 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

I don't see anything wrong with asking to meet her at a separate time, especially for a first meeting. If they're in this for the long haul, there will be plenty of time for you to meet, as well as your mom meeting her. Not that your mom's opinion matters in who your dad dates, but I can think of few things more awkward than meeting my father's new girlfriend for the first time, with my mother present, who is also meeting her for the first time, on my birthday.

In fact, I think your father should have thought about that when making these arrangements. I get it, it's tough trying to navigate dating as a mature adult and have adult children. Of course, as an adult and parent, you'll do what you want, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be sensitive to how things go.

I can say that my father did not go about introducing his companion in a great way, and there were a lot of issues. He even apologized in an umprompted letter to each of us separately, along with some other things, about how he could have done things better as far as introducing us to her.

In general, I'm always trying to be nice, tow the line and be a team player, but for this, I'd have no trouble saying:

Dad, if you don't mind I'd really like to it to just be you, me, boyfriend and mom. I absolutely want to meet your girlfriend, but don't feel that this would be the best opportunity to so and give her the attention she deserves, as I know she is very important to you. How about we meet, XYZ (that way you're actively planning for the future with a concrete date, so it's clear you're not pushing him off forever)

My boyfriend isn't even going to be there! That would at least diffuse the awkwardness a little bit, but nope it'll just be me. 

I don't even really care about my birthday, I'm glad I have supportive parents, but I wouldn't be hurt if they didn't come up for my birthday. So I'm really not looking forward to an awkward day that I really don't want to celebrate in the first place lol.

Thanks for your wording and if I do bring it up I'll definitely mention meeting her at a later date, great idea. 

[imobviouslystaying]

It's going to be weird even if your father doesn't bring his girlfriend.

I would tell your dad your mother is coming and leave it to him to decide if he wants to bring the gf.

ETA: upon rereading, your parents go to the same church and your father has been with this woman for at least two years. I really think you need to figure out how/when to meet your father's girlfriend and soon and it sounds like your birthday might be a good occasion. I mean he lives with this woman and her children and your mama goes to church with them. At the risk of being a heifer, this is about your feelings here and I think you need to try to figure out how you feel so you can address it with yourself.

[DesertMoon]

I don't have any experience my parents are still married and fucking loathe each other, I would just tell your dad you'd rather meet her next time. Nothing personal you just want your loved ones for that day.

[kicks]

Sept 23, 2016 20:50:15 GMT -5 imobviouslystaying said:

It's going to be weird even if your father doesn't bring his girlfriend.

I would tell your dad your mother is coming and leave it to him to decide if he wants to bring the gf.

ETA: upon rereading, your parents go to the same church and your father has been with this woman for at least two years. I really think you need to figure out how/when to meet your father's girlfriend and soon and it sounds like your birthday might be a good occasion. I mean he lives with this woman and her children and your mama goes to church with them. At the risk of being a heifer, this is about your feelings here and I think you need to try to figure out how you feel so you can address it with yourself.

Oh yes I know exactly how I feel. That it's awkward for me lol.

To be clear, they just moved in together recently and she previously lived in an even further state from me in the middle of nowhere so there really was no way or time for me to go out of my way to meet her. They haven't been going to church with my mom as my mom has been out of town the past few weeks.

My main awkwardness is the fact that it'll be the 3 of them in my house while having to entertain everyone for my birthday. If it were a larger event, with other people around, I would feel very differently.

I feel like with meeting her for the first time it's like a get to know you session (asking all the questions, the small talk, etc) and frankly I don't really want to do that for the first time with my mom there, on my birthday that I don't even want to celebrate, in my house. I totally recognize that is all on me for feeling that way. Maybe it makes me a brat? I don't know, but that's how I feel.

[orangeblossom]

Sept 24, 2016 9:32:25 GMT -5 kicks said:

Sept 23, 2016 20:50:15 GMT -5 imobviouslystaying said:

It's going to be weird even if your father doesn't bring his girlfriend.

I would tell your dad your mother is coming and leave it to him to decide if he wants to bring the gf.

ETA: upon rereading, your parents go to the same church and your father has been with this woman for at least two years. I really think you need to figure out how/when to meet your father's girlfriend and soon and it sounds like your birthday might be a good occasion. I mean he lives with this woman and her children and your mama goes to church with them. At the risk of being a heifer, this is about your feelings here and I think you need to try to figure out how you feel so you can address it with yourself.

Oh yes I know exactly how I feel. That it's awkward for me lol.

To be clear, they just moved in together recently and she previously lived in an even further state from me in the middle of nowhere so there really was no way or time for me to go out of my way to meet her. They haven't been going to church with my mom as my mom has been out of town the past few weeks.

My main awkwardness is the fact that it'll be the 3 of them in my house while having to entertain everyone for my birthday. If it were a larger event, with other people around, I would feel very differently.

I feel like with meeting her for the first time it's like a get to know you session (asking all the questions, the small talk, etc) and frankly I don't really want to do that for the first time with my mom there, on my birthday that I don't even want to celebrate, in my house. I totally recognize that is all on me for feeling that way. Maybe it makes me a brat? I don't know, but that's how I feel.

You're not being a brat.  It's your birthday, and as an adult with limited free time, you get to decide how you want to spend it, and if that means not meeting her at this time, than so be it.


I agree this is a time for small talk and getting to know you, and you'd rather it not be a) with your mother present b) on your birthday.

If the first meeting doesn't go well, it can set the tone for the rest of the relationship.

[kicks]

Just an update-

My dad just now finally texted me back saying he's bringing his girlfriend and her son. Omg.

See my post regarding implicit bias...today is not my day and this is making me even more annoyed.

I think I'm just going to tell my mom about it. I invited her to come down on Friday (my actual birthday) and she'll be with me till Sun morning when I have to go to work.

So I think I'll ultimately just let it happen and suck it up but we'll see. My annoyance level is increasing in general so I might go to give no fucks level and tell him to leave her and her son at home lol.

This is the only time I wish I had a sibling so I could tell them to tell my dad hell no!

[sfy]

Your dad is on some bullshit. IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. I'm sorry. I would be livid. I am actually kind of livid on your behalf.

[kicks]

Oct 4, 2016 11:28:16 GMT -5 sfy said:

Your dad is on some bullshit. IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. I'm sorry. I would be livid. I am actually kind of livid on your behalf.

Ok thank you for responding.
You know I'm generally laid back so it takes a lot for me to get rattled so I'm glad you're saying this is bullshit.

I'm texting my boyfriend about it because he's even calmer than me and a voice of reason, so I was gonna see what he says before I officially called it bullshit!

Grr.

[sfy]

Oct 4, 2016 11:40:21 GMT -5 kicks said:

Oct 4, 2016 11:28:16 GMT -5 sfy said:

Your dad is on some bullshit. IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. I'm sorry. I would be livid. I am actually kind of livid on your behalf.

Ok thank you for responding.
You know I'm generally laid back so it takes a lot for me to get rattled so I'm glad you're saying this is bullshit.

I'm texting my boyfriend about it because he's even calmer than me and a voice of reason, so I was gonna see what he says before I officially called it bullshit!

Grr.

Of course it is!  How is he going to dictate how you spend your own damn birthday in your own damn house?

But I know you are much more laid back than me, so let me stop instigating lol.  Let's wait and see what bae says .
Save

[kicks]

Oct 4, 2016 11:43:08 GMT -5 sfy said:

Oct 4, 2016 11:40:21 GMT -5 kicks said:

Ok thank you for responding.
You know I'm generally laid back so it takes a lot for me to get rattled so I'm glad you're saying this is bullshit.

I'm texting my boyfriend about it because he's even calmer than me and a voice of reason, so I was gonna see what he says before I officially called it bullshit!

Grr.

Of course it is!  How is he going to dictate how you spend your own damn birthday in your own damn house?

But I know you are much more laid back than me, so let me stop instigating lol.  Let's wait and see what bae says .
Save

Lol. Thank you for making me laugh, I needed it.

Awaiting bae's response....

[kicks]

Ok my boyfriend confirmed that I'm not crazy for being annoyed by this. And if he thinks that then I know this is some next level bullshit cause he's even more chill than me lol.

[threejs]

Yeah, um, how old is this son? And you've never met this person before? That would get an absolute hell no from me. I'm sorry. I hope your day improves drastically!

[kicks]

Oct 4, 2016 13:37:40 GMT -5 threejs said:

Yeah, um, how old is this son? And you've never met this person before? That would get an absolute hell no from me. I'm sorry. I hope your day improves drastically!

He's not a baby, but I think older elementary or middle school.

Nope never met them at all.

Thanks, I plan to get a bottle of wine after work

[itsme]

I'm sorry. I hope it goes much better than you expect and isn't overly awkward.

[sfy]

Oct 4, 2016 13:37:40 GMT -5 threejs said:

Yeah, um, how old is this son? And you've never met this person before? That would get an absolute hell no from me. I'm sorry. I hope your day improves drastically!

I don't know why, but this has me in tears!!
Save

[threejs]

Oct 4, 2016 13:46:10 GMT -5 kicks said:

Oct 4, 2016 13:37:40 GMT -5 threejs said:

Yeah, um, how old is this son? And you've never met this person before? That would get an absolute hell no from me. I'm sorry. I hope your day improves drastically!

He's not a baby, but I think older elementary or middle school.

Nope never met them at all.

Thanks, I plan to get a bottle of wine after work

I swear I truly try to be more like you chill types, but it rarely works. Even recognizing my low tolerance level, this is straight horse shit! I'm sorry your dad is tripping. I've had some experience this yr with mine tripping, and I didn't speak to him for like 3 months. So don't take that route. Lol. I like the idea of having your mom there for moral support though. You're gonna have to update us!

[kicks]

Oct 4, 2016 15:07:46 GMT -5 threejs said:

Oct 4, 2016 13:46:10 GMT -5 kicks said:

He's not a baby, but I think older elementary or middle school.

Nope never met them at all.

Thanks, I plan to get a bottle of wine after work

I swear I truly try to be more like you chill types, but it rarely works. Even recognizing my low tolerance level, this is straight horse shit! I'm sorry your dad is tripping. I've had some experience this yr with mine tripping, and I didn't speak to him for like 3 months. So don't take that route. Lol. I like the idea of having your mom there for moral support though. You're gonna have to update us!

LOL to the bolded.

Well I'm home, bottle of wine obtained. I will let you know how it goes with telling him this is some bullshit!

[orangeblossom]

Ugh, sorry to the update. I would be highly annoyed. I'd let the chips fall where they may, and daddy kicks bet not saying anything should some awkwardness occur. Shoulda thought about that when I told you to come by yourself.

Seriously though, this has the potential to set up a bad start to a relationship with this woman and her children if it doesn't go well.

[kicks]

Ok I told him. He's not coming with his lady friend and her son, I told him I'd come visit next month. Awkwardness avoided. Thanks all!

[kicks]

Oct 5, 2016 9:19:55 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Oct 5, 2016 4:40:05 GMT -5 kicks said:

Ok I told him. He's not coming with his lady friend and her son, I told him I'd come visit next month. Awkwardness avoided. Thanks all!

He IS coming, he's just not bringing them? 

The thing we alllll have to remember is dads are men too. And the same way our men get on our last damn nerve not thinking and doing asinine shit, well, dads are men too. LOL

Lol so true.

And yes he is coming, just not bringing them. He's a great guy and a great dad so it would be really shocking and out of character for him to not come, thankfully.

I will definitely have to update you all when I do finally meet his new boo!

[kicks]

Ok last update, my birthday went really and I'm glad I knocked some sense in to my dad

My mom came in last night and we did a little shopping and dinner, had some great drinks too.

Today we met my dad for lunch and had a great time together. Then, my mom left and my dad came back to my place to hang out for a little while. We had a nice time.

It would've been hella awkward if his bae and child were there. I told him I don't work weekends next month so will try to make it down there.

Thanks everyone for giving me the confidence to say something!