LDR while on assignment, need advice (long)

[stellarose]

I'm not really sure where to turn to right now, so I'll start here.  I started my assignment end of June.  DH traveled with me, helping me get settled in the first week before returning home.  As I was offered this position, we thought there was going to be a job opportunity for DH, but that fell through.

We made the decision together that I should still accept the position and that something would figure itself out regarding his situation, and if it didn't we felt comfortable being separated knowing that his company would allow him to come visit me for 2-3 weeks twice a year.  I would be home at least twice a year, if not 3-4 times a year.  So we felt that it wasn't horrible. 

There were definitely lonely days that we both would bring up to each other, but nothing more than what I expected.  By August 1st I had found out that I would be coming home in September which was when he was slated to come back for his first visit.  Since we had decided this would be a great time for him to go back to school, it really limits his travel availability so that actually helped the situation.  Long story short, the second night after I returned we went out for a drink and the flood gates opened.  He was saying all sorts of things to me, that he thought things would feel different when I came back home, that I should see other men, that he doesn't want kids, that he isn't feeling well, it was all over the board.  I thought I was going to pass out at the bar.  

We spent the next three weeks while I was home trying to talk and sort through things.  Basically, he for sure has not been completely honest with me for I'm not sure how long, but partly because I don't think he was being honest with himself.  He said that there were a few years that he was starting to not be happy in our marriage.  Mostly due to my weight gain over the years and financial stress from us living on one income so he could go back to school. We certainly talked about both of these things previously but never that he was unhappy in the marriage and had considered leaving me.  He said the past year has been really good and he was happy with things.  We've been hitting financial goals and I have lost all of my excess weight since our wedding, we were working out again together, etc.  (to be fair to him, I did gain a lot of weight.  I let a medical illness and work consume me and I just wasn't putting myself first.  It is not my nature to do so, but it came to a point that I needed to make the change for me.  I hit my low)

Then this move happened.  We have had a million and one conversations about how we felt about moving separately.  He's in his dream job and worked hard to start a new career and obtain this job so I certainly didn't want him to give that up to move to a place where he is just sitting around all day.  
I guess he's been wrestling with these depressive feelings for awhile but was ignoring or pushing them away.  He said after I left he didn't need to put a happy face on anymore for anyone so he let the emotions flow out.  He said it is overwhelming feelings of loneliness, emptiness, just overall sadness.  Now that he let the emotions out they are growing more intense and he couldn't bottle them back up when I returned home.  The night he let everything out to me he said he literally felt on the verge of a mental breakdown.  

He's started seeing a therapist which I initiated bc I needed to see someone stat while I was back.  I also knew he would likely follow me to see this therapist which he did last week for the first time.  So now that he will continue with this therapist I need to find someone new, but that is hard living on the other side of the world.  His next appointment is this Thursday.  This weekend things came to a head again and basically he said he needed a break.  I said I didn't want to call it a break, but I would give him space to process his feelings himself.  It's only been two days and has been so hard. I'm literally on the other side of the world with no one I love or can count on.  I think Monday he seemed ok, but yesterday was a really bad day for him.  I asked that as a ground rule we at least say good morning and good night to each other.  That has seemed like a lot for him to handle yesterday as well.

I'm heartbroken, blindsided, and feel so helpless right now.  My leadership team will be in town next week.  I feel I need to talk to my director confidentially about what is going on.  I'm embarrassed because people are going to think why did you do this if things were rocky, but I really didn't know.  He was so good about hiding it.  And of course I'm going to feel on the same page if he wasn't being truthful.  I need to find a therapist asap as well.  

Any advice of forums I should turn to to help me navigate dealing with a spouse in depression or any resource really is greatly appreciated.  Any of the long distance relationship expats have any advice?

[kaybee85]

I'm so sorry. I don't really have experience with this, but I hated to leave it hanging. Honestly, I would be very concerned that there is some level of infidelity. It's suspicious that history is being rewritten (he has been unhappy? or is he now saying he's been unhappy), offering for you to see other people, bringing up weight when you have since lost it (if I understood correctly).

[Cicero]

First, (((hugs))). Second, the sudden flipped switch and blaming everything on you seems suspicious. Am I right in thinking that everything was completely fine and he never said anything until you were back home?

[rupertpenny]

Man, that is a very difficult situation and I'm sorry you've needed up here.

First of all I'm glad he is in counseling. If he isn't being weird because of infidelity he sounds like he could be depressed. And I very much can commiserate on how difficult it is to get therapy when you live abroad.

Secondly, bringing up your weight gain is shitty. Like you said, you had a medical issue. Would he be so callous or unforgiving about medical issue that didn't cause weight gain? I was in a similar situation recently, I gained a ton of weight in a short time period due to hypothyroidism, and I would have been very hurt if my H told me it made him question our marriage.

[mrsukyankee]

stellarose, what country are you in right now? Could you find a therapist there? If not, let me know and I can use my contacts (as I am a therapist)...or, if you feel comfy doing so, I'm happy to refer you to someone here in London who would do Skype sessions with you happily and who is a fabulous therapist (he's my supervisor and so very good at what he does).

[stellarose]

Thank you everyone. I found a therapist through expat exchange who I'll be Skyping with tomorrow.

I probably put too much info out there to properly digest the situation. I don't think he's cheating on me. But I think he's severely depressed. I don't know if it's normal for it to progress this quickly. Last night he sent an email saying it hurts to talk to me and he doesn't know why. He doesn't want to feel this way or to be doing this to me. I honestly don't recognize my husband right now which makes me feel he's really sick.

You are right though, there isn't great support from abroad. I know he likely won't do this, but if being alone really is as hard on him as he says and I read about right now and his job isn't fulfilling as orig hoped (my words, not his although I think he would agree), then maybe it does make sense for him to move over here with me.

What do you/your spouses do during the day to keep busy? He could get a local job to at least full the hours and possibly go to school online to finish his masters. It's a long shot, at this point I hope we can get back to talking. It's only been 4 days without hearing his voice but it's felt like an eternity.

Anxious for my session tomorrow. Thank you all for your replies.

[origami]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think he should make sure his treatment for depression works for him, before he moves. One of my good friends has depression/anxiety and moved with her DH to Australia for his work. She was in a fabulous city with a million things to do, and she stayed at home all day in a state of misery because moving made her depression worse. They almost divorced when they got back to the US. So that's what I think about when I hear about people with depression going on temporary assignments. That said, if he can get a good treatment plan... I'm the one not working over here and I'm way busier than I ever was in the states. You have to find things to do and put yourself out there in order to meet people and make friends, so it's not easy. But it's doable. There are many expat orgs here - that's how I got busy. Are there some in SL that are for men and women? The big ones here are just for women, unfortunately. But there are also groups based on hobbies. He could do volunteer work, go on tours, start a blog etc. I also started doing contract work (for Americans) that can be done anywhere on a computer. And there's always teaching English or waiting tables- if SL offers easier visas for that (that's how it is here). Or a US Embassy or military base that magically has openings for local civilians? Those are unicorn jobs but if they exist may not require a work visa.

[mrsukyankee]

I work part time and I'm quite busy. Finding people to connect to is part of that but I also get to focus on the things I love doing which I didn't have thing for when I was working all day.

[pittpurple]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it makes everything so much harder and more complicated when you're far away. I'm just wondering if you there was a reason you needed a new therapist? Could his therapist do some couples therapy for you together so you can get a better grasp of what is going on with him?

I am inclined to agree with origami, it was really hard for me to move overseas. I was technically a trailing spouse and just had a few months at home before starting to work full time. I was really busy at the start with just getting us settled and the flat set up, but then it quickly because a problem for me. I watched way, way too much daytime TV. You know your husband best though - is there a local network for him? I would consider origami,'s questions really carefully. It's obviously possible to have a full and enriching life without a job, but I personally need the structure or I find it hard to do anything (I've suffered from depression on an off in my life).

[Brit]

I just wanted to chime in and tell you that I am sorry to hear that you and your H are going through this on top of being geographically separated and you having an international move.

I don't know the right answers and I certainly can't offer the best advice for your situation, but I can absolutely understand many of the complexities that y'all are dealing with and I wish you the best on your journey to whatever makes you both happy in the end.