Since its slow - Lonely vs being alone

[whatnext]

I would consider myself fairly independent. I travel alone, dine alone, live alone and for the majority of the time I enjoy it tremendously.

But about 10% of the time I feel overcome by loneliness. I find it hard to make connections, I'm not too great at letting people in, I have very little family relationships, and work in an isolating role.

Any tips? I've called about setting up a therapy appointment particularly around the trust issues (as this is why I don't date). But any tips for getting yourself out of loneliness and into enjoying being lonely again?

[mrsukyankee]

I don't think anyone enjoys loneliness. I enjoy being alone, but when I feel lonely, it's just not great. BUT I do think expecting to never feel lonely is like expecting to never feel sad - it's going to happen and happens to people even who are connected in every way possible. I would examine the times you feel overwhelmed by loneliness and see what it is about the situation - is it being around a lot of coupled up people, seeing people with lots of friends, etc? If it's more a case of not feeling connected, then it's about making those connections (and it sounds like you are going to be working through that with a therapist).

p.s. I'm a CBT therapist and this is something I do work on with people. I expect that I'm going to feel lonely once in a while and it's usually, for me, because I haven't made an effort to connect with people. I like to see it as a kick up the butt to 'do'. As a private practice/contractor therapist, I too have an isolated role (don't really interact with anyone other than my clients), so it's up to me to make connections (which as an adult is harder to do).

Good luck!

[spedrunner]

oh man! I swear, I could have written this myself! No advice, just seeing what advice you get

i too, really enjoy (and need) my alone time . Most of the time I prefer it

[Deleted]

I agree that you will never enjoy being "lonely." That is much different than being "alone." I LOVE being alone for the most part, but I've found that I will sort of hibernate for a few weeks, then start to actually feel lonely, reach out to people and try to do stuff and they are busy. I'm trying to maintain my connections more steadily instead of popping in and out of people's lives when it works for me. This means I force myself out of a hibernation period often sooner than I naturally would, but it helps keep me more balanced overall and has really helped the lonliness feelings go away because if those feelings creep in, I usually have something on the horizon socially and that makes me feel better.

In terms of meeting people, do you have friends you could ask to introduce you to their friends or go to something like a networking event with you? Is there an opportunity to join a board or volunteer group? Those are all ways I've met additional friends.

[Deleted]

It can be difficult to make new friends or even maintain friendships as an adult when we are independent and don't mind doing things alone.  Some people that I know have joined meet ups for things they enjoy, like running or hiking and have made friends that way.  I haven't so I can't really comment on how it is.  
I do have a SO, but we relocated to a new city 6 months ago.  I don't mind being alone a lot of the time, but I too, am having bouts of loneliness.  Sometimes I'm ok and other times I really miss having a friend to grab dinner with and talk to regularly.  

Maybe go to someplace that's busy/crowded and people watch?  Go to a bar and chat with people around?   

[whatnext]

Thanks

I do go out and about quite often. I am not a homebody but I do not like the interaction with a stranger

I think talking to someone today it is more of a trust issue in general that prevents me from this

I do go to meetups etc but struggle to make a real connection with anyone

[doglove]

What about volunteer work? I understand your feelings completely. I am okay being alone, but from time to time, I do get lonely. I work with dog rescue and notice that it helps to volunteer my time to get me to be around other people/animals for some time to fill up my need for social interactions when my friends aren't available.

I'm not saying you have to volunteer in dog rescue, that's just an example of what works for me. There are probably tons of groups/organizations around you could look into in whatever interests you. I've heard the meetups are hard because they are often clique-y. Also something that helps me is going on a walk or being in nature if I can't get a social interaction. Feeling connected to the environment (although kind of cheesy) makes me feel a sense of something greater in my life (I'm not religious). Hugs.

[Deleted]

I sometimes feel lonely. I am independent, I work alone, and I don't have a network of friends. I cut most of my family off due to being toxic. Most days, I'm okay. Maybe a few days a month I feel very much alone. I volunteer and have a roommate. And I have dogs. I still get lonely. Right now, I have the attitude of "If I don't let people in, if I don't put trust in people, if I don't rely on anyone then I will never be disappointed, let down, or hurt". So I feel ya. And I'm not actively working on fixing it either and maybe I should but I'm too busy doing me.

[spedrunner]

I think I also have a hard time connecting with others, because of my independence. As soon as a friend (male or female) start becoming too "clingy" (asking to do things all the time, callign all the time, etc, etc) I push away bc it is just too much

It is very difficult to find people that respect my need for alone time, while still trying to make and maintain friendships. I also realize I have to make an effort at times and do things I do not always want to do, but it just feels so forced and unenjoyable

[Deleted]

I also think it's perfectly healthy to feel an array of emotions (to include feeling lonely). We are humans and emotions are not the enemy. So occasional, periodic loneliness is not a horrible thing.

[whatnext]

Thanks everyone. I think my biggest issue is how I deal with the brief periods of loneliness. Something to work on!

[doglove]

Oct 19, 2016 10:47:59 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

I also think it's perfectly healthy to feel an array of emotions (to include feeling lonely). We are humans and emotions are not the enemy. So occasional, periodic loneliness is not a horrible thing.

I agree. I think it's important to remember we are humans and have a range of feelings/emotions. Just because we have some that aren't perfect or happy and maybe make us feel umcomfortable, doesn't make them wrong. We don't have to do work to push them away or always be in a state of elation or happiness. I don't think that would be realistic or even real life.

[itsmyparty]

This may sound stupid, but I feel like learning to accept and acknowledge that you're feeling lonely is half the battle. I feel it a lot these days, being new in a city where I barely know a soul. All of the counseling I did as my marriage was falling apart, and then through the divorce, really opened me up to being aware of all of my feelings - sadness, anger, relief, hope, fear, and loneliness - and taught me that all of those emotions are normal. What's important, I think, is that we recognize these feelings when they come so we can address them or just patiently/contemplatively wait them out.