Being civil during proceedings

[heleftme16]

This divorce is turning into a mess and stbxhs lawyers (and by extension him) are saying some pretty nasty stuff about me to the courts. Logically, I know none of it is true but it really hurts. The problem is I still have to remain civil towards stbxh bc of our child. How am I supposed to do this? Because just the thought of him makes me want to punch something.

[sessy]

Do you have a therapist? That's what really helped me during my divorce. I also set up very strict boundaries for myself with ex. I only spoke to him about the kids, didn't talk to him about anything else. Drop off/picks were at a neutral location etc. If I remember correctly your ex is currently in a different state, but just draw some hard boundaries for yourself.

I also took up kickboxing. Punching and kicking a bag 3 times a week was incredibly useful.

[nextbigthing]

ONLY talk to XH about the kids. Not a word about anything else, ignore texts about anything else.

Totally agree about the therapist, she helps me SO much.

It's hard but stay strong. DO NOT ENGAGE in any of the nonsense. My STBXH is a total loser drunk asshole so it makes it even harder because he wants to play the roll of awesome dad but he is far from it and I can't give him unsupervised custody because he can't be trusted.

[heleftme16]

I'm in between therapists right now. The last one I had just didn't click, plus I want to try CBT and he didn't do that. But I am under the care of an amazing psychiatrist who has helped me a ton.

It's just so weird to go from having this person I share EVERYTHING with to him being completely gone and using things I said in confidence used against me. It's like he's been replaced with someone completely different because the guy I married wouldn't do this. Which is why he's divorcing me I suppose haha.

I want to join a gym and get out more. Maybe kickboxing should be my new hobby. Haha.

[1confused1]

We have been unable to be civil. My xh is a verbally abusive narcissist who does not think a single thing in court applies to him.

We are supposed to only communicate about the kids, but he blows up my phone with all kinds of texts unrelated to the kids (all about he is the victim in this divorce).

I don't really have any advice other than just ignoring him and not engaging.

[itsmyparty]

I know how you feel. We didn't have kids, but every response or document we'd get from my XH's attorneys was filled with emotional, dramatic and inaccurate language and accusations. At one point an email to my attorney from his was sooooo ridiculous I lost it and let loose on my husband on the phone. He claimed he knew nothing of the email, but I knew he was behind it, so I told him he better stop and call off his attorney or else we were done with negotiating - I'd just go right to court and take half of everything (which was more than what I was asking for at the time). He apologized and the crazy claims from his attorneys stopped.

After a while I decided that all of our communication should be through email. That way there was a paper trail, plus I think people just think twice before putting some things in email. Texting is not so great for hammering out a divorce, and phone calls - though most efficient for clarifying some things - unfortunately have no record.

[heleftme16]

itsmyparty not liking because I like the fact that your ex is an ass too but just commiserating. After this thread I'm just going to let the lawyers handle it. It just makes it so tough when he won't talk to me about ANYTHING.

[abcdefu]

heleftme16, Everything in writing. I agree that text messages are a pain in the ass because of all the screen shots and depending on the phones, the text can be received in the wrong order. Email is best!

Also, don't put anything in writing that you wouldn't want the judge to see. Your stbx's and his attorneys letters could become exhibits in motions or during trial.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 18, 2016 15:13:44 GMT -5 heleftme16 said:

This divorce is turning into a mess and stbxhs lawyers (and by extension him) are saying some pretty nasty stuff about me to the courts. Logically, I know none of it is true but it really hurts. The problem is I still have to remain civil towards stbxh bc of our child. How am I supposed to do this? Because just the thought of him makes me want to punch something.

like a pp said set some hard boundaries with the xh and STICK TO THEM. Emotional detachment has helped tons in dealing w my xh - I have a protective order against him which helps but there are times when I have to deal w him and taking all of the emotion out of it on my end helps deflate him

[doriswe]

I have learned to treat it like a business....you're now in the business of raising a well-adjusted kid. If you worked with a doucheface, you'd probably not snap at everything and you'd word things a little more carefully, right? So that's the mindset you need with this new adventure. Think out your responses and ask yourself "will this help or hurt our business?"

I also am a firm believer in not responding for at least 24 hours, when I get emails filled with hatred. I wait it out and then only respond to the actual issue, not about any of the hate that spewed my way. I do not even acknowledge any of the crazy (well to him, I do vent to my friends about it).

[stephreloaded]

Oct 19, 2016 12:36:44 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I have learned to treat it like a business....you're now in the business of raising a well-adjusted kid. If you worked with a doucheface, you'd probably not snap at everything and you'd word things a little more carefully, right? So that's the mindset you need with this new adventure. Think out your responses and ask yourself "will this help or hurt our business?"

I also am a firm believer in not responding for at least 24 hours, when I get emails filled with hatred. I wait it out and then only respond to the actual issue, not about any of the hate that spewed my way. I do not even acknowledge any of the crazy (well to him, I do vent to my friends about it).

 I agree with everything Doris said here. I know how hard it is to remain calm when this is going on. It is custody and the worst in everyone comes out. I did decide to be a lady and during court, I only spoke the truth even though that meant that at some points I accepted that the ex was a good father. I think courts see through bullshit. 

I also recommend doing most of the communication via email. I feel that texts will always present the expectation of having to be immediately replied while you can sit with an email for more than a day and think things through. 

I want to add that while I had soo much hatred against my ex, I started to fake being civil at first. Then it became the norm and now 6 years after we finished our custody case, I can tell you that we have a great relationship. We do text when DD does something new or funny but only because we already went through the phase where we had to establish boundaries.  We still have disagreements but I am a much less stubborn person in general so I have learned to not sweat stuff and not let it affect me as before. 

[heleftme16]

Thank you everyone for sharing. I feel so much better with this board around, knowing I'm not alone and other people have made it through this terrible time before me. The support means everything