Update on my family issues

[rubytue]

Poof

Thanks all.

[steph96]

You have to put yourself first. Do what you think is best. Good luck!

[rubytue]

Yes, she most likely does have borderline personality disorder. *sigh*

[315bride]

Some people are just toxic. I know exactly what you mean about your mom making you ill. I feel that way about my dad. I decided earlier this year to just cut him out of my life completely. It has been like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. H has never liked him and hates how he treats me. He said that he was absolutely thrilled when I said I wanted him out of my life.

[vanillacourage]

Can you tell her that you changed your email address, and give her a new gmail one that you only check when it is convenient for you? If she's emailing you at work tell her that you can't have personal email on your work account anymore. You can then set up a rule on the old acct that all emails from her go directly in the trash.

[pugz]

uggh I am sorry Ruby. Setting firm boundaries and being estranged is totally okay! If you need to step back you should do it. People with BPD are exhausting and even though she's your mother you have no obligation to have a relationship with someone that is toxic and draining.

[noodleoo]

If it is causing you that much stress, cut off contact again. I know it must be very hard (I've been there too), but your health and sanity is too important to let this takeover your life. If life is better without her in it, then do it. You deserve to be happy. You cannot pick your family and there is no shame in recognizing that your life is better without her in it.

I'm so sorry you have to do this again.

[AAM2012]

You can't reason with her. She will never change unless she gets help and until she does you should keep her COMPLETELY out of your life. It is not worth your health, job or your relationship with your husband.

[Roc A Bee]

Can you set up a filter so her emails are sent to a folder that you only check when you want to? That way you can ignore and it isn't the in your face in your inbox.

[Deleted]

Could you find a way to not give your mom as much power in your life? You know she is crazy and it sounds like its not a surprise that she is calling/emailing you nonstop. Don't let her behavior affect your work and personal life if you KNOW she is going to act like this. She is probably never going to change. I'm sure that is easier said than done.

I would block her # from your phone. Emailing is one thing you can work around but having to deal with ignoring her calls is something you shouldn't have to deal with.

[rubytue]

I do wish her well, and I don't want her to hurt or to be ill. But I mean that with the same care I have for the neighbor whose name I don't even know. I long ago mourned that mother I should have had and came to terms with not really having a mother. I mistakenly thought that I could do something nice for someone who was going to die in a few weeks. But apparently it was at a huge cost to myself. Because then though logically I know she is crazy and mentally, I don't have any feelings of love or even like left - it is still eats into your brain to have someone tell you that you are a horrible, uncaring person. Even when you know its not true and when everyone else in your life says its not true.

Unfortunately, I can't just change my work email address or work phone number. And my job makes it so that is published information for the world to see.

Part of the reason I reply is that in the past, when I haven't responded to her in what she sees as a reasonable time (about 24-36 hours), she has called (a) my supervisor (b) the dean of (the wrong) college (c) the police to report a missing person. The irony is she would go 4 months without talking to me, then call and if I didn't answer or immediately return her call, she would do this.

[rubytue]

Sept 9, 2012 12:07:03 GMT -5 cuadrado said:

I would block her # from your phone. Emailing is one thing you can work around but having to deal with ignoring her calls is something you shouldn't have to deal with.

That was done. Both at work and at home her number is blocked. At home it is flat out blocked. At work it goes straight to voicemail (the best I can do), but at least I don't have the panic when I see the number.

That said, you also said something about power. And that is a good point. Despite my clinical coldness, she does have a lot of power. She knows how to manipulate me. And some of it is fear and self preservation. And some of it is just that even when you know its not true, its hard not to internalize some of it. Hell, we see it on here. People call people names and flame them, then someone comes back with something about not letting "internet people on a message board" get to them. I think its crazy not to think it doesn't get to them (except maybe a true troll). Words hurt, no matter who says it and no matter how thick your skin is. And this comes from a mother!

[315bride]

Sept 9, 2012 12:19:00 GMT -5 rubytue said:

its hard not to internalize some of it.

And that is why I cannot allow people like my dad around me. His treatment of me was really affecting me.

[rubytue]

Yup. That's it exactly. I've had enough stress in 3 weeks to know that the 10 years a spend not allowing her in my life was the right thing.

[ECB]

I just wanted to say good luck. This has to be very difficult

[dexteroni]

I'm really sorry this happened again Ruby. At least now you know for sure, beyond any doubt, that you cannot have her in your life. If you hadn't let her back in this little bit you might be wondering "what if?" Now you won't have that nagging doubt. I hope you can close this latest saga with as little stress as possible.

[bronxgirl]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Big hugs, ruby.

[vccake]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am guessing she has been down the med/hospital road?

[winemaker06]

The email filters worked well for me. I sent them to a folder and marked as 'read' so I could check when it was convenient for me. Not a great solution, but an option.

Sorry it's not working out, and I'm sure however you decide to proceed in a way that works for you, will be the right choice. Don't let the guilt have a say!

[rubytue]

Thanks all! The good news is it isn't totally taking over my life. I just got back from a Gaelic Storm show. But man I'm not looking forward to getting to work in the morning. But, it is what it is. I have decided that is the last time I will let her manipulate me. Those type of emails will no longer get a response.

[explorer2001]

Sorry. I have some pretty fucked up family too. It's tough. You just have to know that you are doing the right thing. You don't owe her anything. The stress it is causing you and your marriage is toxic.

Try reading Why do bad relatives happen to good people.

Could you block her e-mail or have it sent to a special (spam) folder where you can deal with it when you are ready instead of it hitting you when whenever it comes in?

Hugs.