My life is a mess right now(long)

[karenj]

and I am so melancholy about it. Sad, depressed, lonely, scared, hopeful all in one day sometimes one minute.

Around July 20th my husband told me via telephone on my way to work that he thought we should seperate. 2 days later he told the kids that we were getting divorced.

That same day he was having numbness in his arm and hand and by Friday i suggested he go to the doctor. She told him that it was a pinched nerve and put him on pain pills and anti biotic. He was having no pain.

On Sunday his face was going numb. He thought stroke. Went to another doctor on Monday that suspected he was right and ordered a CT scan. Scheduled for 8 days out. 3 days later he loses sight in his left eye. Nurse says go to ER. It is a stroke. 2 days in the hospital. He will never get sight back and may take 2 years to get feeling back in hand. He has very little fine motor skills.

He decides thay he wants to stay tohether and work things out.

He loses his job September 1st due to disability. Dr. suggest he go on disability. On Septembe 8th i lose my job of almost 6 years. Holy panic.

September 12th i take him to get a heart monitor placed. They are still trying to figure out why he had a stroke. While we are in the waiting room i get a pm through facebook saying that she had been talking to my husband and they had met a couple of times to talk. I confront him. He said it was true.

He swears he just needed someone to talk to and nothing else happened and she is psycho and he wont be talking to her anymore.

I let it go because i am trying to deal with getting a new job and traing at mu part time job and the financial mess.

For years he would go out with his buddies and be gone all night. Sometimes he would tell me wherehe was sometimes not. Usuallu once every couple months. In October he has done it around 6 times.

Hr thinks this is ok anf he doesnt undersand why i have a prolem with it. Problem is i work 2 jobs and our girls are home by themselves. I guess he had been doing that alot. They are 14 & 15. Old enough but I dont think they should be home alone all the time so their dad can go play.

So i told him if thing didnt change he would need to move out and i was giving him until January 1. I guess that was the wrong move becuse now he is not coming home at all.

We have been having troule for years but i never though he would treat the girls this way.

You know I wasnt asking for much. I just wanted him to love me and be in my corner. To help out around the house. To talk to me. To be my partner.

I have a 2nd job now but its not making near as much asi was before. I mau have to file bankruptcy. We also are getting food stamps.

And now i am going to have to do it all alone.

[moolarkey]

The words I am so sorry don't do a thing to fix your problems but I am so sorry. I could have written your first paragraph myself right now but our reasons are different. In my opinion, which means nothing, I think you were right to give him a deadline. He made his choice. I know your life is incredibly scary and stress doesn't even come close to what you are going through but in the end your girls know you have their backs and that you are trying to make a good life for them. I hope you find a good job soon so you don't have to work 2 jobs, I do know how exhausting that can be. This to shall pass but it might take time but you'll get there. Keep your eye on the prize, one foot in front of the other.

[karenj]

Thank you. I just dont understand how he can be so unfeeling. We have been married 24 years. Its hard to imagine my life with out him

[cuddlyevil]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you will be okay. Do what you have to do in order to keep a roof over your heads, if it's bankruptcy and food stamps then so be it but know that this isn't the end of the world. Your girls are old enough to know how daddy treated you (they're never as oblivious as we think) and as upsetting as it is for them they will be okay.

If you can get them into therapy or in to talk to the counselor at school, that would probably help them.

And no, you weren't asking for much -- he just wasn't capable of giving it to you. My XH was the same, would tell me that my expectations were unrealistic and that I was "mom" so it was all me. The thing is, he just never cared enough to put the effort in--and we all deserve someone who will put some effort into a relationship with us.

[1confused1]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I would ask him to leave now. My XH would come and go and it was so stressful on the kids and I. When I finally kicked him out of the house, the stress level in the house practically diminished. It was incredibly hard, but not having that added stress/worry helped.

[nextbigthing]

I'm so so sorry you're going through this, it's definitely one gut punch after another.

He needs to go. Now. He's not treating you or your girls right and that's not ok.

Kicking my ex out was the hardest thing I've ever done but I never looked back, it ended up being a huge weight off my shoulders

You can do this. We're here for you

[Deleted]

Hugs.  That's a really tough situation.  I think you should figure out your finances--if you own a home etc and figure out how to leave or get him the hell out.  Just because he has a medical condition doesn't mean he gets to be an asshole to you.  You deserve better.  

[itsalllies]

The person you divorce is never the same person you marry. Our stories have a lot of similarities. I know that it doesn't seem it right now, but you and your girls will be okay. Stay strong and keep on doing what you're doing. I don't know if you own a house but call your mortgage lender. Sometimes, they can help with loan modification or something else. Whatever bills you have, call them and explain your situation. Some bills can be deferred. It'll at least buy you time.

my xh was my best friend but when he left I found this weird sense of peace. I felt so much lighter when I didn't have to worry about if he was coming him or if he was cheating. I didn't have to worry if he was taking his meds. I didn't have to worry about him not fulfilling my needs a single a husband and as my life partner. Hang in there. Take one day at a time. I'm sorry you are in this position.

[abcdefu]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I think the best advice someone gave me when I was receiving one punch after the other is, to focus on what you can control. You can't control him, his health, or his actions, but you can focus on your daughters and being the best mother to them. As to the financial aspect, apply for any and all assistance that is available to you. These types of situations is for what the system was designed.

I know it's really scary, but you can do this! Just think of what an awesome example you are to your girls!

Hugs to you! Feel free to vent here all you want!

[doglove]

Hugs. You and your girls deserve to be treated so much better than this.

[glynn]

Sorry, it will get better I promise. There was a time when my big kids were small that we had to go on food stamps because I lost my job. It was a temporary fix until I could do better for myself. You get whatever help you can and do not feel bad for it.

[sparkythelawyer]

You are already doing it alone, and you've been doing it alone for years. You might as well stop paying for his life.

[formerlyak]

Oct 26, 2016 13:07:30 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

You are already doing it alone, and you've been doing it alone for years. You might as well stop paying for his life.

This! When my ex moved out I was so scared. I didn't know how I would do it all myself. I quickly realized that I was already 99% of it by myself. But on top of it, I was worrying about him, trying to make him happy, trying to find a way to make our marriage "perfect". That was exhausting! Once he moved out, life quickly got so much easier. Sure co-parenting has its own challenges, but they arent' near as stressful as life was before we divorced. 

[Mrs.Rad888]

Oct 28, 2016 13:48:35 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

Oct 26, 2016 13:07:30 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

You are already doing it alone, and you've been doing it alone for years. You might as well stop paying for his life.

This! When my ex moved out I was so scared. I didn't know how I would do it all myself. I quickly realized that I was already 99% of it by myself. But on top of it, I was worrying about him, trying to make him happy, trying to find a way to make our marriage "perfect". That was exhausting! Once he moved out, life quickly got so much easier. Sure co-parenting has its own challenges, but they arent' near as stressful as life was before we divorced. 

Exactly! When XH moved out, it was like I had one less kid in the house, not like I had lost part of my support system.
Almost instantly, the house was cleaner and quieter, and I had more money. Since I was in the middle of it, I didn't realize how draining it was having him around.

[nextbigthing]

karenj

How are you doing?

[karenj]

Hanging in there. Somedays i think ive got this. Other days im a mess. I guess thays normal

[cuddlyevil]

That's totally normal karenj. You're doing fine.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 28, 2016 14:44:50 GMT -5 Mrs.Rad888 said:

Oct 28, 2016 13:48:35 GMT -5 formerlyak said:

This! When my ex moved out I was so scared. I didn't know how I would do it all myself. I quickly realized that I was already 99% of it by myself. But on top of it, I was worrying about him, trying to make him happy, trying to find a way to make our marriage "perfect". That was exhausting! Once he moved out, life quickly got so much easier. Sure co-parenting has its own challenges, but they arent' near as stressful as life was before we divorced. 

Exactly! When XH moved out, it was like I had one less kid in the house, not like I had lost part of my support system.
Almost instantly, the house was cleaner and quieter, and I had more money. Since I was in the middle of it, I didn't realize how draining it was having him around.

i had the same experience .... life got a whole lot BETTER w/o him after we left.