Can I tell you my story?

[MeMyselfandI]

This will probably be long and convoluted, so I apologize in advance. I am 39 years old. I've officially known that I'm of mixed race (black/white) for 12 years. I say officially because I've always questioned my background. I remember asking my mom when I was in elementary school if I was adopted because I look so different then my family. I was a dark skinned kid. I have curly dark hair and brown eyes. My mom is blond haired and green eyes, so I'm sure you understand why I was asking. I was also bullied as a kid for having darker skin and I was constantly asked which one of my parents was black. I always said neither.

My parents are divorced, but my dad is Italian. He'd tan pretty dark in the summer, and when he had hair when he was younger it was wavy, so I always contributed my differences to him. I just assumed my skin stayed dark year round. So as far as I knew, all of my family was white. And really, the older I got the lighter my skin got, so I guess you could say, for the most part, I "pass." Though to this day, I'll get asked if I'm mixed, or Jewish, or Puerto Rican, the list goes on.

My grandparents, unfortunately, aren't exactly the most friendly when it comes to other races. Just to put it bluntly, they are racist. My mom, fortunately, never raised me to be hateful to anybody. But racism was something I was exposed to growing up. It was never constant or even something I seen from them often, but of course we all knew how they felt. Fast forward to age 27 after marrying a black man, my dad can't keep the secret anymore and finally tells me he's not by biological father. He tells me the story of how my mom got pregnant, unplanned of course. My biological father is black. He took off when he found out. As you can imagine, it through me for a loop, but really explained why I felt so different my entire life.

There is obviously a lot more to this story, but it doesn't really matter for why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because as I'm getting older, I'm becoming more and more involved in politics, injustice, etc. I've been on this forum for years, though obviously I don't post much. This election and all of the blatant injustice over the last several years has got me really looking inward to myself and being more vocal about what I feel is wrong. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm drifting and not really getting to the point. I guess, at the heart of what I'm feeling right now, is that I feel like a fraud. "Passing" as white and being raised by a white family, I see that I am privileged. I did experience bullying and racism, but not nearly to the extent other POC and the WOC on this board have. I feel as if, I don't know, that I don't have the right to speak out at the wrongs that I see, that I don't belong on this WOC board, that I don't fit in completely with my white family and friends either. Most of the time, I don't feel so discombobulated. But lately, I'm seeing and hearing things from people I know and love and I'm becoming disheartened by it. I was hoping writing this all out would help.

Thanks if you got through this. You don't have to comment. I know this isn't a "safe place" but I needed a place to get this out.

[raangoli]

Hugs MeMyselfandI, that is a lot to process at any age. Please do not feel like a fraud. Your feelings are valid and you are more than welcome here. As for speaking out against the wrong that you see, you can do that regardless of race. When something is wrong, you should speak up. Period. I know that is often easier said than done.

[meshaliuknits]

Your experiences are valid. You are not a fraud. Remember that. You can champion change for injustices that you haven't personally experienced.

I'm of mixed heritage as well. My mother died when I was young, so I was mostly raised by my white father until he hooked up with my step mama when I was a bit older. I tell you this because my experience was similar for a while. Being in a mostly white environment, not quite fitting in with everyone else. I guess I just want to let you know you're not alone.

[orangeblossom]

Your experiences are valid. I don't ink of you as passing, b:c you didn't know what you were passing for, if that makes sense. All this to say, you can't change the past, but you can change the present and future.

You can advocate for the injustices you see in the world. You can speak up when people make fun of or insult minorities, when they think they're in "safe" white company.

You do belong here and in any place that fights for minority injustice and anybody that tells you otherwise can kick rocks.

[MeMyselfandI]

Thank you. I really appreciate the responses. You'd think after all this time I'd have a better handle on all of this.

[itsme]

Know that you are not alone in your feelings and you are not a fraud.

[thejackpot]

Ditto pp. your feelings are valid and important. Feel free to speak up to injustice in any way that you feel comfortable. Good luck on your journey, I think most of us are figuring out this life thing as we go along too.

[andwhat]

You are not a fraud. Your experiences are your experiences. I am 100% black and I haven't dealt with a lot that of POC have because of where I live. That does not mean that I can't fight for and speak out on the injustices faced by POC.

[05heel]

Awww. I'm sorry this was hard for you to share, but I'm glad you did. You're not a fraud, and quite frankly, you belong wherever the hell you want to be. I'm hoping that this can be a safe place for you, and I'd ask that you hold me to the task of making this a place where you are comfortable speaking your mind and sharing your experiences. I feel for you, but looks like you're on the path to figuring things out.

ETA:  That last part didn't come out right, but what I'm trying to say is that I'll be mindful of POC here whose experiences haven't mirrored mine.  You're not obligated to hold anyone's hand through the conversation, but what I wanted to convey is that your viewpoint is valuable and should be shared (when you want to).

[05heel]

And listen, I'm very obviously black, and still struggle with acknowledging privileges that I've had compared to other black people. Everyone has their own story, and no one has the right to diminish your truth. I'm blustery and opinionated, but I'm not above being called out when I cross a line. This race shit is sensitive! We should try not to add to our collective pain if at all possible.

[MeMyselfandI]

Oct 26, 2016 13:12:02 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

That is heavy. Whew. I would hope none of us here would diminish your experiences.

No one here has. I hope I didn't give that impression. It's just something I'm struggling with internally.

[dr.girlfriend]

First of all, you're absolutely welcome here. I had issues earlier in my life feeling like I was intruding on spaces for people of color because being Asian is different from being black or Latinx, but I love hearing everyone's own experiences. I never participated in activities for people of color in college, but when my cousin did I was like, "Oh...I probably could have!"  I know I'm not going to have the same experience at a job interview or getting pulled over that my black husband will, but he will have different experiences than a black man in another part of the country or SES, etc.

Even though I'm 100% (Asian) Indian, I was born in the US and grew up in a place (small-town Oklahoma) with few other minorities. I faced racism there, but I also faced issues of exclusion when I went to an Ivy League college in upstate New York and ran into a bunch of Indian folks from areas with really thriving Indian communities. It was like, "What do you mean you don't eat Indian food (um, try to find an Indian grocery store where I live)? / speak any Indian languages (my parents speak different languages so English was their common tongue? / participate in Hindi theatre group?). I think everyone, no matter what their experience, has trouble knowing exactly where they fit in, but it sounds like your situation was even more so because as an adult basically the foundation of your ethnic identity was rocked. My husband's mother is mixed-race (American black/white/indigenous), but his dad is 100% Ethiopian. He didn't know his dad until he was an adult, but now when he meets up with his dad's family people expect him to know all these Ethiopian cultural things. It's weird.

[threejs]

Wow, I can't imagine the difficulty of finding something like this out as an adult. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of it, but your feelings are absolutely valid. Please don't beat yourself up for having them. Or for wanting to fight/speak up for injustice.

[05heel]

Oct 26, 2016 13:20:46 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Oct 26, 2016 13:13:59 GMT -5 MeMyselfandI said:

No one here has. I hope I didn't give that impression. It's just something I'm struggling with internally.

No, it was more my thought process after reading 05Heel's comment than anything you said. (I apologize in advance for making your situation about me...) I was thinking about how really lucky I am to have a solid sense of who I am and where I come from and can reach back for a few generations in my family tree and ook at my parents and see myself reflected in various ways. I can't imagine finding out that all I believe is not true even if I had suspected something was not quite right over the years. 

Exactly.  I feel very fortunate in this regard.  I suspect it's similar to how salty we can get when people start tracing their family tree back to the Mayflower and shit, and I'm over here stopping somewhere around 1875.  Lol.  Not exactly the same of course, but my talking about my strong sense of racial identity is akin to white people going on about their Old World family crest.  Can't relate, exiting conversation, thanks for sharing.

[sfy]

Thank you for sharing this, I'm sure it wasn't easy. Your feelings are valid and you are entitled to them. Of course, you belong here--welcome .

[threejs]

Oct 26, 2016 13:29:24 GMT -5 05heel said:

Oct 26, 2016 13:20:46 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

No, it was more my thought process after reading 05Heel's comment than anything you said. (I apologize in advance for making your situation about me...) I was thinking about how really lucky I am to have a solid sense of who I am and where I come from and can reach back for a few generations in my family tree and ook at my parents and see myself reflected in various ways. I can't imagine finding out that all I believe is not true even if I had suspected something was not quite right over the years. 

Exactly.  I feel very fortunate in this regard.  I suspect it's similar to how salty we can get when people start tracing their family tree back to the Mayflower and shit, and I'm over here stopping somewhere around 1875.  Lol.  Not exactly the same of course, but my talking about my strong sense of racial identity is akin to white people going on about their Old World family crest.  Can't relate, exiting conversation, thanks for sharing.

MeMyselfandI, forgive me for being totally rude in your thread, but 05heel just reminded me of something.  My daughter's third grade class did a whole unit in social studies last year about immigration, and when their families came to the U.S.  They had to interview family members, create a family tree going back as far as they could, and then they and put on a whole production for Grandparents' Day about what it was like to arrive at Ellis Island as an immigrant. My Mom was so mad.  She wanted to go off on my daughter's teacher about how our family didn't "arrive on Ellis Island."  lol.  So, yeah. 

My apologies again, not trying to derail.  It's just interesting to me how many people take for granted how easy it is for some to trace family history.  Hell, I was born in Mississippi in 1971 and the record of my birth isn't very detailed or accurate.  I was born in the doctor's office and it's clear that there wasn't a lot of attention given to it. 

[fryjack2]

I've known I was of mixed cultural backgrounds since birth and its still difficult to navigate. I can only imagine how hard it is to find out as an adult.

You are not a fraud and your feelings are valid. I'll echo everyone else saying that you can advocate for groups that you don't belong to as much as for those that you do.

I hope writing out your story, and continuing to talk it out, helps.

[iammalcolmx]

Thank you for sharing.

[childofhiphop]

You are not a fraud. I've been thinking a lot about your post since I read it a couple of days ago. I don't really share too much personal information but I feel strongly about responding.

I, too, am biracial and could pass without any trouble. In fact, my younger brother is passing as his new wife hasn't even grasped the reality that she is really married to a black man (so much backstory here). I have no doubt of the many privileges that I have had because of this. But, I also have experienced discrimination that would make you shake your head and want to shank someone.

I've come to realize that POC have so many different experiences and that none of them should be discounted or mean any more or less than the experiences of others. Wealthy and affluent, middle class, low income, light, dark and every shade in between have so many racist encounters. Overt and covert. It's the biggest reason I am so happy for this board and it's my first stop on gbcn.

It's hard enough to navigate who you are being biracial. I can't imagine having my whole identity changed at 27. It's probably still a lot to process.

Please keep posting. I look forward to hearing more from you!

[redwino]

Thank you for sharing and you are welcome here. Please don't feel like a fraud. We all have different experiences and I imagine the road to self-identity has been difficult for many. I've personally had some struggles and my race has never been in question. Please keep posting. We're happy that you're here.

[DesertMoon]

i empathize with you on every point. I'm sorry about the times in life you didn't get support for being mixed. Please know your feelings are important.