I'm reminded of why I hated dating

[itsmyparty]

I've shared on here about a guy I started dating several months ago, who then kinda ghosted me but then got in touch a week later and we decided to keep things kinda casual, then who after a few weeks of mutual no contact texted me that he missed me and wanted to try again...blah blah blah, so we did. That was almost two months ago. And since we talked about some terms of us dating again, it's been good ever since.

Until this weekend. Was my birthday a few days ago. He and I had made plans to spend it together. As typical, he spent the week traveling for work. But apparently he had to make an unexpected trip that resulted in him taking a loooooong (international) plane flight that got him home early the morning of my bday. He texted me when he got in, I replied back, then I didn't hear from him for several hours, at which point he told me he had laid down for a nap. I asked him what the plans were for the evening, and didn't hear anything back for a couple hours, and then it wasn't even an answer to my question. Exchanged a couple more texts, after which point I figured he was blowing off our plans. Which obviously hurt, because it's my birthday. So I made myself some dinner and had a couple glasses of wine...and stupidly texted him. First some flirty things, which he responded to, then I said something about wondering if he had another girlfriend and was that why he couldn't be with me. He said no and got defensive, saying he was just exhausted after his loooooooong and unexpected flight. Then he said he was sorry, and that he'd leave me alone.

Since then: no returned texts, so I can only assume he's blocked me. I'm so sad, because I do have genuine feelings for him, but I'm pissed, too, because why the hell do grown ass men think it's OK to just block someone or flee at the slightest conflict? I mean, I know I probably shouldn't have made that accusation over text, but I was really hurt and drunk (I'm a cheap drunk). He had left me in the dark all day - actually, all week, as I knew he was traveling but didn't know where he was or which day/time he was coming back. He knew how much I wanted to spend my birthday with him. And yet he basically abandoned me at the last minute. It makes me upset I gave him a second chance, since I figured out from the first disappearing act that he doesn't like to address anything uncomfortable. That will never work for me - I'm not afraid of confrontation and I'm big on communication - but it is so frustrating to know that we're so good together otherwise. Why are so many men bad at and unwilling to communicate?!

[doriswe]

While he is most definitely the suck, you have zero control over that. And don't paint such broad strokes about men being unable to communicate effectively.

I'd spend more time looking inward at the reasons why you allowed him a second chance after he treated you poorly? That's the part you can change, kwim?

And hugs...it sucks

[nextbigthing]

I'm sorry

I can definitely see why you're disappointed, unfortunately it just sounds like he's not as into it as you are and you can't change that.

Lots of hugs

[itsmyparty]

I hear you, doriswe. And I know not all men suck at communication...but it sure seems like a lot I've met do. And I know why I let him back in the second time - I let my emotions (but only the warm & fuzzy ones) override my brain (which knows I deserve better and also catalogs the bad emotions he made me feel when he went cold the first time). I'm obviously still working on that.

[itsmyparty]

nextbigthing what's funny about it is this is shortly after he said ILY to me for the first time. Not going to go into his history, but I think he's just a broken person. But I can't fix him.

[itsmyparty]

@gracie6414 and that's why I brought it up. It's something that alllll of my friends have said about him. Thing is, I've been to his house, so if he's married they don't live together. It has occurred to me that perhaps his wife lives overseas in one of the places he frequently travels to. He's abroad more than he is here, so it's totally possible.

[whatnext]

I treat my birthdays like I treat my Christmas's now I'm single. F^ck other people. I do what I want, I make my plans and I have fabulous days. I'm sick of people making plans and then something coming up. This year I have brunch at my favourite restaurant booked, coffee at my favourite viewpoint of the city I live in, a long lunch, a nap (maybe spa now I think about it, or maybe just reading) then dinner at a restaurant I've always wanted to try. I get life happens to people but seeing they can't be dependable on the two days of the year it would be nice if they did I do what I want alone and I love it (I realise I have the income that allows it, but there are other things you can do, for me its about doing a day of what I love). (For your interest, Christmas this year is in Wellington, NZ, last year was Paris, the year before Prague, all solo)

[itsmyparty]

whatnext that is the type of woman I'm working on getting back to. My marriage really tore into me; I was such a strong woman before I met my ex husband. One of the reasons this hurt me so bad is because my ex used to ignore my birthday, so I came to almost dread it every year. I was really looking forward to having a good birthday, this being the first one out of my divorce. And he knew that. And yet he still put a nap and whatever else ahead of it.

I did do other stuff for me that day, though... two classes at the gym, a pedicure, a nice long walk with my dog. So I didn't put my life on hold. It was just capped off pretty sucky.

[doglove]

What I realized is you can't force anyone to be what you want and you shouldn't wait around for people who are showing you who they are - to be something else. I hate the idea that you sat around all day on your birthday waiting for this dude to text you and make the perfect plans. He's an ass and you deserve better. Someone who cared about you would have made a plan (BEFOREHAND) and stuck to it and not left you dangling on a rope. Don't let these men do this to you. That's the only control you have here is to not give yourself to men who are not even meeting you half way. And not give any of YOUR time to waiting for said men. Respectful and considerate people make a plan and stick to it. They don't jerk you around like this over and over again.

[Deleted]

This guy definitely sucks. One thing I learned about myself is that I tended to take take the passive aggressive route and I actually wasn't being a good communicator either, which is what you are doing in this situation. Earlier in the week if you didn't have concrete plans. So I would have said "Do we have a plan for X night?" and if he didn't respond in a reasonable time or was ignoring the question I would say "Didn't hear back from you so I made some other plans." And then just never talk to him again. Also he says that he's going to leave you alone and he's doing just that. There is no point in texting him further at this point, and I don't think he owes you a response after that. He did clearly communicate his feelings. I'm really sorry you had to go through that but he's totally not worth thinking one more thing about.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 30, 2016 20:47:28 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

nextbigthing what's funny about it is this is shortly after he said ILY to me for the first time. Not going to go into his history, but I think he's just a broken person. But I can't fix him.

back up ... dating for a few months and already said ILY after pulling one disappearing act ... nope ... blazing red flag.

Cut him loose and don't look back, may be painful at first but in the long run VERY good for you. I

[calle28]

itsmyparty, I'm sorry you spent your birthday waiting on him.

If you haven't already, please block his number/delete him from all social media. No more contact! I know it hurts, but he is not good for you.

Whether he's married, separated, single or divorced, it doesn't matter. Try not to spend anymore time trying to figure him out. All you need to know is he sucks and you deserve way better!

[itsmyparty]

Thanks, ladies, for your responses. I do need to hear it all. Yesterday was better, today is better still. I haven't texted him at all, so no worries there. And we're not connected on social media, so I don't have to bother with that, either.

We did have plans made ahead of time for my bday, which we made a couple of weeks prior. And confirmed them the week of. That's why I was so hurt when he seemed to blow it off the day of. I didn't sit around for him, though...I went to my usual gym classes, got my toes done, did other things I wanted/needed to do...but then had a lame, lonely evening thanks to his disappearing act.

I know I deserve better than that. And honestly, given that I'm already feeling so much better, I think that's a sign to me that I never really fully trusted him or let my guard down after his first disappearing/reappearing act.

[itsmyparty]

pinkdutchtulips more like dating six months, which doesn't seem too early for ILYs if they're sincere. But if he really loved me he wouldn't have treated me like this or been so cavalier about blocking me or blowing me off, either.

[itsmyparty]

Rather than starting a new thread, let me ask all of you a question: how prominent a role does texting play in your dating lives now?

It's been more than 10 years since I was single, and back then we all had flip phones that were not ideal for texting. So it wasn't really a think. I remember exchanging emails with guys I was dating (and boyfriends), and phone calls. There are things I like about texting - its convenience, mostly - but this is the first dating relationship I've had in the texting era and I can already see the negatives (things getting misconstrued, conversations take forever because it moves one line at a time, can be too passive/vapid). After you meet a guy and start seeing him, do you text him a lot, too?

[nextbigthing]

Oct 31, 2016 16:12:21 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

Rather than starting a new thread, let me ask all of you a question: how prominent a role does texting play in your dating lives now?

It's been more than 10 years since I was single, and back then we all had flip phones that were not ideal for texting. So it wasn't really a think. I remember exchanging emails with guys I was dating (and boyfriends), and phone calls. There are things I like about texting - its convenience, mostly - but this is the first dating relationship I've had in the texting era and I can already see the negatives (things getting misconstrued, conversations take forever because it moves one line at a time, can be too passive/vapid). After you meet a guy and start seeing him, do you text him a lot, too?

I am no expert by any means, I'm new to this too

But, I think texting is fine as long as there are real conversations regularly in person and via phone.

[whatnext]

Oct 30, 2016 23:09:31 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

whatnext that is the type of woman I'm working on getting back to. My marriage really tore into me; I was such a strong woman before I met my ex husband. One of the reasons this hurt me so bad is because my ex used to ignore my birthday, so I came to almost dread it every year. I was really looking forward to having a good birthday, this being the first one out of my divorce. And he knew that. And yet he still put a nap and whatever else ahead of it.

I did do other stuff for me that day, though... two classes at the gym, a pedicure, a nice long walk with my dog. So I didn't put my life on hold. It was just capped off pretty sucky.

It is a journey, and I'm sorry if I seemed harsh. Planning helps me. My birthday is two months out and yet I have it planned and booked!

[kicks]

Oct 31, 2016 16:12:21 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

Rather than starting a new thread, let me ask all of you a question: how prominent a role does texting play in your dating lives now?

It's been more than 10 years since I was single, and back then we all had flip phones that were not ideal for texting. So it wasn't really a think. I remember exchanging emails with guys I was dating (and boyfriends), and phone calls. There are things I like about texting - its convenience, mostly - but this is the first dating relationship I've had in the texting era and I can already see the negatives (things getting misconstrued, conversations take forever because it moves one line at a time, can be too passive/vapid). After you meet a guy and start seeing him, do you text him a lot, too?

I personally am not a big texter. When I was dating I was all about meeting people in real life. Sure, make plans via text but chit chat throughout the day and have conversations, no. I didn't have any guys that seemed to have a problem with it. Even now, my boyfriend and I rarely text except to exchange pertinent info/plans and it's been like that since the beginning of our relationship.

Sure you can't tell every guy that you want to just talk on the phone or whatever. But texting doesn't have to be the main source of communication exactly for the reason you outlined, things can be misinterpreted, plus I don't like feeling like I have to respond to someone right away. When first getting to know guys I liked meeting up and not texting a lot and it worked out fine.

[itsmyparty]

kicks that's the way I've always used texting, too. At least before I started dating again. With this guy there was a ton of texting because he traveled all the time, but it's not just him that seems to be like this... guys I've met in online dating or on apps get super impatient if I step away from messaging for a while or take a bit to respond. I don't get that at all - I have things to do, as I would assume they would, and I can't be constantly messaging. I've never felt texting, messaging, or email for that matter, required immediate responses and I don't have much tolerance for men who demand that kind of attention.

[doglove]

I'm not a big texter either. I think it's a red flag when people want to text all day/night because it seems to me like they are looking more for a distraction. I don't text a lot before the date because often times I find I just waste my time getting my hopes up and then having no chemistry with them in person. I also don't want to discuss a lot of things over text that are perfectly good conversations for dates.

I don't mind a - hey how was your day and some small conversation, but again with the all day texting or long conversations are just nope to me.

[kicks]

Oct 31, 2016 23:44:48 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

kicks that's the way I've always used texting, too. At least before I started dating again. With this guy there was a ton of texting because he traveled all the time, but it's not just him that seems to be like this... guys I've met in online dating or on apps get super impatient if I step away from messaging for a while or take a bit to respond. I don't get that at all - I have things to do, as I would assume they would, and I can't be constantly messaging. I've never felt texting, messaging, or email for that matter, required immediate responses and I don't have much tolerance for men who demand that kind of attention.

Yep it's annoying and a red flag to me if a guy wants to text all day, everyday.

My boyfriend actually travels overseas almost half the year and we're still not big texters. When we first started dating I went on a vacation by myself and I would just FaceTime him in the evenings when I had time, but still not much texting. That was definitely my preference and feel like you can get to know someone better that way. If he had been texting me the whole time I was away I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gone on that 3rd date with him!

So it's completely fine to have those preferences.

[doglove]

Nov 1, 2016 8:28:31 GMT -5 kicks said:

I mean - who's got that kind of time anyways? I can never figure it out. Don't people work? Have friends? Errands they have to get done? A dude I had ONE date with began to text all day every day. Within one hour of me taking a foster dog to the vet, he sent me 12 texts, 3 selfies (of his face that I did not ask for) and a voicemail because he could not get in touch with me. No sir. Nope. When I ended it directly after that he totally flipped his $hit and kept telling me that we could have been AMAZING except I was ruining it. 


:?  

Oops, I don't know why it messed up the quote kicks. I was trying to quote this sentence:


Yep it's annoying and a red flag to me if a guy wants to text all day, everyday.

[Deleted]

I'm a really big texter in general with friends, family, whatever. I actually feel like a phone call requires an immediate response much more than a text. And I personally just really hate talking on the phone. Texting is much easier for me, I do it from my computer, and I'm basically expected to be checking my phone for work until about 10pm at night, so sending texts to people is really easy. That's all to say that everyone just has different communication styles and once in an actual relationship I think it's good to talk about how you all prefer to communicate. The guy I'm dating doesn't really text at all and we both aren't big phone talkers. So we really landed that we would keep texting to make plans, and that means there might be days we don't hear from each other. This is vastly different than my personal style but it works fine and when we see each other in person it's actually really nice to have a lot to talk about.

Now if you JUST meet someone and have been on a few dates only the all day everyday thing is super overwhelming and weird if it's totally one sided. That is a total turnoff for me. I don't text with people I haven't met in person except to set up dates. I think it sets false expectations and build up.

[Linie]

Nov 1, 2016 9:31:51 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'm a really big texter in general with friends, family, whatever. I actually feel like a phone call requires an immediate response much more than a text. And I personally just really hate talking on the phone. Texting is much easier for me, I do it from my computer, and I'm basically expected to be checking my phone for work until about 10pm at night, so sending texts to people is really easy. That's all to say that everyone just has different communication styles and once in an actual relationship I think it's good to talk about how you all prefer to communicate. The guy I'm dating doesn't really text at all and we both aren't big phone talkers. So we really landed that we would keep texting to make plans, and that means there might be days we don't hear from each other. This is vastly different than my personal style but it works fine and when we see each other in person it's actually really nice to have a lot to talk about.

Now if you JUST meet someone and have been on a few dates only the all day everyday thing is super overwhelming and weird if it's totally one sided. That is a total turnoff for me. I don't text with people I haven't met in person except to set up dates. I think it sets false expectations and build up.

I'm like you. I find texting so much easier and less intrusive. Of course, I don't text all day.

I had a LDR for a while and we texted very regularly (couple of times per week). With my current BF, we text (or message) and almost never call each other. I see him every weekend (and sometimes during the week) but we do not text every day.

[jigsy]

Oct 31, 2016 16:12:21 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

Rather than starting a new thread, let me ask all of you a question: how prominent a role does texting play in your dating lives now?

It's been more than 10 years since I was single, and back then we all had flip phones that were not ideal for texting. So it wasn't really a think. I remember exchanging emails with guys I was dating (and boyfriends), and phone calls. There are things I like about texting - its convenience, mostly - but this is the first dating relationship I've had in the texting era and I can already see the negatives (things getting misconstrued, conversations take forever because it moves one line at a time, can be too passive/vapid). After you meet a guy and start seeing him, do you text him a lot, too?

I am not a big texter. I feel like it leaves way too much room for miscommunication. I also think people rely way too much on texting. I hate that people think just because I have a phone and they text, I should jump to attention. Sometimes I am busy, sometimes I just don't want to talk...why do we need to be reachable 24 hours a day for mundane chatter?

When I have gone on dates, I have told the dude that I am not big on texting since it is such a commonplace now. If someone wants to be connected 24/7, I am not interested.

[doglove]

Nov 2, 2016 12:02:48 GMT -5 jigsy said:

Oct 31, 2016 16:12:21 GMT -5 itsmyparty said:

Rather than starting a new thread, let me ask all of you a question: how prominent a role does texting play in your dating lives now?

It's been more than 10 years since I was single, and back then we all had flip phones that were not ideal for texting. So it wasn't really a think. I remember exchanging emails with guys I was dating (and boyfriends), and phone calls. There are things I like about texting - its convenience, mostly - but this is the first dating relationship I've had in the texting era and I can already see the negatives (things getting misconstrued, conversations take forever because it moves one line at a time, can be too passive/vapid). After you meet a guy and start seeing him, do you text him a lot, too?

I am not a big texter. I feel like it leaves way too much room for miscommunication. I also think people rely way too much on texting. I hate that people think just because I have a phone and they text, I should jump to attention. Sometimes I am busy, sometimes I just don't want to talk...why do we need to be reachable 24 hours a day for mundane chatter?

When I have gone on dates, I have told the dude that I am not big on texting since it is such a commonplace now. If someone wants to be connected 24/7, I am not interested.

This so much. I have to tell people immediately that I am not a texter. Even then, they text and text and text. And then I have to end it and remind them that I told them I'm not a texter and have other things going on and if they want that communication they need to find someone else to date. "I'm at the store" was one of my favorite texts because I was like? I'm doing laundry - who gives a fu@k? 

[Deleted]

Omg to "I'm at the store" lol forever doglove. Yea that one needed to go.

[itsmyparty]

doglove you should have asked him to pick you up a few things haha

Today I remembered something this guy once told me on text or Tinder that I thought was odd. When we first matched and were in the early "getting to know you" basic convo, I was telling him something about my divorce/marriage/ex (can't remember what now exactly)...and his response was something like, "I'll take your word for it, never been divorced myself." I remember thinking that wording was odd - most people would've said, "Never been married myself" It was odd enough to me that I followed up by asking him if he had ever been married, to which he said no, just engaged once but "it didn't work out." Just another thing to make me think he may be married or coupled up with someone else.