For those of you that have/had emotionally abusive

[pittsmcgee]

Mothers, how did you break free from the cycle?
Did you explain it to her first or just cut your ties?
Do you still speak? Has she changed if you do still speak?
Tell me your experiences, por favor.

[deanlicker78]

None of my siblings have anything to do with my mother anymore. We've all tried discussing with her all the various ways she has hurt us over the years. She never listened because she's never done anything wrong ever! She was the best parent ever! Once she made it clear she would never change we all gave up and walked away. It was the best decision we've ever made.

[Jermys]

Sept 10, 2012 11:53:33 GMT -5 pittsmcgee said:

Mothers, how did you break free from the cycle?
Did you explain it to her first or just cut your ties?
Do you still speak? Has she changed if you do still speak?
Tell me your experiences, por favor.

I didn't realize how fucked up my childhood was until I got out of it. And it didn't become intolerable until I had children of my own. At that time, I started distancing myself from her.

I didn't explain it, I just became less and less available.

Heh. We don't speak, although she lives with me now. LOL She has changed dramatically. Because she died.

Honestly, and without joking, since she died it's really made our relationship much better, because I can look back and see the good things she did instead of focusing on the bad because it was slapping me in the face.

[pittsmcgee]

That is what I know is going to happen. She is going to be appalled and tell me how ungrateful I am and talk about how she sacrificed her whole life for me and my son.
I just can't deal with it anymore. It is ruining every relationship I have right now. She is out of her damn mind.

[karmasabiotch]

My Dad was emotionally abusive. We didn't talk for a long time. Then was kind of patched it together and formed a relationship. He has dementia now and doesn't remember not being a good person. My sister hasn't talked to him in 30 years.

[pittsmcgee]

It is hard to digest. Even though she has messed with my head for so long, it is really hard to think of life without speaking to her. What a disaster.

[Deleted]

I don't have kids yet, so I can't answer the first question. I didn't explain my distancing to my Mother - there's no point if she really is emotionally abusive and manipulative - they won't work with you. We do still speak, just on very limited terms and we really don't have any conversation with any depth to it bc that's when her negativity will come out.

It works ok, sometimes she will try to bait me into conversations to feel sorry for her, but honestly now I just hang up if the conversation falls into one of her rants. And oddly, she never brings it up again the next time we speak. I think there's a part of her that knows what she's doing but can't or won't change it.

[picklepie09]

My mom was really brutal. but in such a way that you almost didn't know it. Its weird. She was passive aggressive, a bully if you didn't do what she wanted and was the travel agent for guilt trips.

I didn't break free from it. She had a stroke almost 2 years ago and changed because of the brain damage.

My siblings and I realized after all this what a manipulative person she was and how it really was hard for us. It took her NOT being this way for us to see it. That being said, it sucks that she can't do anything for herself, but not having the constant guilt, the berating etc.. its nice.

A prime example of how she was: if you got your haircut and she didn't like it she would say "I don't like it" and when you would say "well tell me how you really feel" she would say "its my job to be honest, I am not here to coddle your feelings". and that was how I was raised. Our feelings were NEVER spared. We were told we were getting heavy, but in ways that were passive aggressive "If you go on a diet and lose 1 lb a week you will start looking good in a year" FYI I am about 10lbs overweight not 52

Another example: Her way was the right way. She would argue with you until the cows came home and then do it her way in the end. She wouldn't share my DH and our kids with my inlaws. She would maek our life hell if we spent the holidays with my inlaws.

At the time I just thought it was out of love but she was a very difficult woman. I have only scratched the surface here

[dowagercountess]

My mother was not the best mother.

I went to therapy to deal with it...and then I think I get my revenge by being the best mother I can be. She has told me that she is blown away by how good of a mother I am and that she admires that in me. Knowing that I am trying to be a better mom to my daughter so she doesn't have to deal with my crap is a huge deal.

My therapist made me tell my mother how I felt. It was hard, but so worth it.

That said, I adore my mother as an adult and she is extremely helpful and generous. The day to day parenting gig was not her bag.

[pittsmcgee]

I can 100% relate, pickle.
I wore my hair how she preferred, I dressed how she preferred. I dated who she preferred.
She wasn't a big fan of my husband so when we sat down to tell them we would be moving in together, she sat down and proceeded to tell him all of the messed up stuff I'd done in my life. He obviously knew, because I confided in him, but he was just apalled that someone would do that to someone, nevermind their own child.

[Deleted]

I still see her because I have siblings who are a lot younger and live at home. She is exactly like her mother and they are both verbally abusive assholes. She loves to dangle things in front of your face to get you to do what she wants then "changes her mind" anyways. She's always been controlling and none of my siblings can stand her. For example, my brother is a boy scout but wants to do sea scouts because he wants to go to the Naval Academy. My mom won't let him because he can only do it if he goes to the troop she picks (uber Christian, poorly run.)

I feel so bad for my brother and sister and try to take them to do things when I can. She recently slapped my brother across the face because he said something she didn't like and he called me crying (which is unusual for him.) She slapped me across the face when I was 20 and I told her if she ever laid a hand on me again I would call the police. The sick thing is that she dotes on my step-siblings like they're freaking gods. It disgusts me that she can be so nice to other people but so nasty to her kids.

DH is awesome with my brother and gives him a male role model who isn't a crazy, racist, homophobe like my stepdad and for that I am grateful. Our dad is around but is a parent only when it's convenient for him.

DH's mom is also a wacko and allowed his ex-stepdad to abuse him and she still does (verbally) which is why we rarely see her. We both got the short end of the stick when it came to parents.

ETA: We don't have kids yet but DH and I talk a lot about how we don't want to continue the cycle of abuse and want to be the best parents we can.

[partiallysunny]

Mothers, how did you break free from the cycle?
Both my parents are, so I will answer for both.

First, H's family showed me what a "normal" family could be. They were an eye opener, for sure. This started a gap between us, knowing that I could have something healthy out of life if I wanted it. Knowing that I could break the cycle.

Second, was I moved far enough away that they had no influence over me. It helps that neither of us like to pick up the phone.

Third, was TIP. They helped me figure out what was healthy. And a little bit of therapy.
Did you explain it to her first or just cut your ties?
The distance between us started when I was young and was very gradual.

Explaining anything would be very foreign in our family. My parents sweep everything under a rug.
Do you still speak? Has she changed if you do still speak?
Yes we speak and no, nothing has changed. I see them maybe once a month. Sometimes longer if my dad is having a depressive episode, sometimes more if he is being manic.

The only thing that changed is my mom always had this fake cheerfulness that she reserved for coworkers and friends. You'd never know anything was wrong. She uses this on me now, to pretend everything is just fine.

Edit: Once I learned to stand up for myself, my dad stopped bulldozing me and bossing me about. He also doesn't call me crying anymore when he is being depressive and limits what he shares.

This took a lot of time. I had to learn to put my foot down. Learn to walk away and to hang up the phone. Learn what my boundries were. Sure, I've made some mistakes. I've gone "I shouldn't have done that" or "I should have done this". But I've learned.

So, yes, things have changed. How we interact has changed. What I'm willing to put up with has changed. But, deep down, they haven't changed who they are. They aren't brand new people or anything.

[picklepie09]

Sept 10, 2012 12:17:02 GMT -5 pittsmcgee said:

I can 100% relate, pickle.
I wore my hair how she preferred, I dressed how she preferred. I dated who she preferred.
She wasn't a big fan of my husband so when we sat down to tell them we would be moving in together, she sat down and proceeded to tell him all of the messed up stuff I'd done in my life. He obviously knew, because I confided in him, but he was just apalled that someone would do that to someone, nevermind their own child.

did we have the same mom. I did the same. because if you didn't she would make you feel like shit.

She hated my dh too. We moved in together and she told us that she and my dad woudl NOT be paying for our wedding because we lived together. We said "fine then don't"

she paid for our wedding because she wanted to control it. I knew she would. I knew she would NEVER allow us to pay for our own and she could have no say.

[Deleted]

Sept 10, 2012 13:21:29 GMT -5 picklepie09 said:

Sept 10, 2012 12:17:02 GMT -5 pittsmcgee said:

I can 100% relate, pickle.
I wore my hair how she preferred, I dressed how she preferred. I dated who she preferred.
She wasn't a big fan of my husband so when we sat down to tell them we would be moving in together, she sat down and proceeded to tell him all of the messed up stuff I'd done in my life. He obviously knew, because I confided in him, but he was just apalled that someone would do that to someone, nevermind their own child.

did we have the same mom. I did the same. because if you didn't she would make you feel like shit.

She hated my dh too. We moved in together and she told us that she and my dad woudl NOT be paying for our wedding because we lived together. We said "fine then don't"

she paid for our wedding because she wanted to control it. I knew she would. I knew she would NEVER allow us to pay for our own and she could have no say.

This is my mom too. She didn't even come to our wedding. She told everyone she wasn't invited which was a complete lie. I sent her an invite and she never responded.

[pittsmcgee]

Thanks everyone. I just started counseling again and I am just starting to open my eyes to the fact that I have been abused my whole life. I always just thought that she was just giving me tough love or some bullshit. I was even afraid to THINK things about her, because she drilled it into my head that I am selfish, undeserving of her kindness, etc.
I thought we were best friends, but I am now realizing that we are only best friends when I am doing exactly what she wants/needs me to do.
I'm having a hard time with what to do about DS. I know he loves her/she loves him, but I am not willing to let her manipulate him and make him feel guilty about me or my father (they just divorced) and I know for some reason she can't help but bring people into her mess.

[pittsmcgee]

My parents insisted on paying for my wedding because my dad is in the business, he is a wedding DJ and they were close personal friends with all of the vendors. I didn't want to do it that way, but again had no choice. I didn't even have a choice on the guest list.
Now I hear on almost a weekly basis about how much money they spent and loans they took out for it, etc. They just filed bankruptcy last year.

[pittsmcgee]

Sept 10, 2012 13:34:30 GMT -5 Que? said:

Sept 10, 2012 13:29:24 GMT -5 pittsmcgee said:

My parents insisted on paying for my wedding because my dad is in the business, he is a wedding DJ and they were close personal friends with all of the vendors. I didn't want to do it that way, but again had no choice. I didn't even have a choice on the guest list.
Now I hear on almost a weekly basis about how much money they spent and loans they took out for it, etc. They just filed bankruptcy last year.

I hope that in therapy toy realize that you have always had a choice, she just made you believe that you don't.

Yes, I am starting to see the last 20 years of my life completely differently now. I can't believe it took me so long

[pittsmcgee]

Sept 10, 2012 13:38:50 GMT -5 @gracie6414 said:

Seriously, when I get my head out of my ass over the sister stuff yesterday is love to talk with you. I'm not focused enough to no ramble here today.

I was told on a monthly basis that I should be grateful and do his bidding because he was the one stuck with us, he had to raise us and cloth us and feed us... It took until my 20's to tell back that I didn't ask to be born to him, and if I'd had the choice I sure as shit wouldn't pick him as a fucking parent.
My dad was maniacal. It's embarrassing and saddening thinking back to those says, what a different person I was and in spite of all the names he called me and terrible things he said to me, did to me, that I still just wanted to gain his approval. Sickening the hold he had on us.

Yup, I know exactly what you mean. Like right now, I feel guilty speaking ill of her. If that makes any sense

[scotty]

I let it all out, how I felt about her. It took a lot of years. I deal with it by living far away.

[Jermys]

Sept 10, 2012 13:02:57 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

First, H's family showed me what a "normal" family could be. They were an eye opener, for sure. This started a gap between us, knowing that I could have something healthy out of life if I wanted it. Knowing that I could break the cycle.

Ditto this. My H has been seriously stunned at some of the things I've told him about my childhood that I previously thought were charming little vignettes. Aside from his mega-bitch sister, his family is utterly refreshing to me.

[pittsmcgee]

H's mom raised him all on her own, so we're not seeing the "normal" side of things from that perspective, either. I've never met his dad and he only has seen him once in the past 35 years or even more. But his mom isn't a manipulative asshole, she's just a little obsessed with him. He is an only child.

[Jermys]

Ash, yes! My MIL just adores me, and it's still amazing to me. Like she just loves me for no reason other than me.

One time, she told me that she knew I was going to be a great mom because I'd already raised myself and I'd done such a good job, she knew my kids were going to be amazing. I have never cried so hard over words in my life.

[pittsmcgee]

She sounds awesome, jermys. I'm glad you have her in your life after what you had to deal with

[partiallysunny]

Yes Ash and Jermys!

My MIL almost makes me cry every time I see her. I don't even know what to say sometimes, she makes me feel so overwhelmed. She always compliments me and makes me feel so warm and fuzzy. MIL's mother (H's grandmother) also has some dependency issues, so she relates to what I'm going through.

[Jermys]

Yep. When people ask me how I'm doing, I feel almost guilty that I'm not grieving my mother. I am sad that my kids won't have a grandmother like I had, and I'm sad that I don't have a mother like most of my friends do, but I am incredibly determined to give my kids what I didn't have, so I'm kind of helping myself at the same time. It's healing.

[partiallysunny]

Sept 10, 2012 14:18:05 GMT -5 sameoldash said:

Sept 10, 2012 14:09:20 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Some days it is really hard (holidays, our wedding, birthdays) but I keep reminding myself that I am grieving for a mother-daughter relationship that was never actually had.

This is SO important. There are times when I catch myself thinking, "I miss my dad " and I have to remind myself that no, I don't miss MY dad. I miss the idea of a father that I have in my head and that I see other people with, but I have never had "that dad".

So true. This gets harder during events in my life that are suppose to be an "occasion". Things like my graduation, wedding and the birth of the kid were very difficult.

It's almost like they are dead and you are mourning them not being there. Even if they are there. Does that make sense?