dating - do you tend to be the pursuer or to be pursued?

[itsmyparty]

I have a hard time with this, too. In life I tend to go for what I want, and dating has been no different for me in the past. I'm trying really hard to let the men take the lead now, not because it's a game but because I feel it's really the only way to know if a guy is genuinely interested in me and not just biding his time.

[doglove]

I have always been a grab the wheel kind of person. That's my personality. I don't mind it, but I have realized that it is nice to share the work and am looking for that in my next relationship. I often find men who have been happy to let me take the lead and have done very little work and then that turns into an unhealthy dynamic for me. I think the key is about balance, but that is hard to do and seems harder to find!

[Linie]

I'm not sure if there is a different attitude in the US vs EU, but I make sure it clear that I'm "interested" and let the man do the work at first. Once we're seeing each other (not sure if that is "dating"), I will be active in the relationship.

In the past, I was doing way too much, but now I have learned to let men take the lead as well. The current BF used to be relied on for everything and he tells me it is so nice not to always have to be in charge.

But I'm not worried anymore about him taking care of things (or me). It's great!

I don't like the "princess attitude" of some women and I know men get bored of that very quickly!

[Deleted]

I agree that it's all about balance. At first I try to aim for an every other. He's asks me out, then I'll ask him out next if he doesn't first. But basically I'm finding that most men that I've met will quickly not put any effort in, so I stop putting in any effort and that's that. I think in this day and age it's way too easy to passively date and I'm not interested in not being a priority.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Dec 8, 2016 12:18:49 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I agree that it's all about balance. At first I try to aim for an every other. He's asks me out, then I'll ask him out next if he doesn't first. But basically I'm finding that most men that I've met will quickly not put any effort in, so I stop putting in any effort and that's that. I think in this day and age it's way too easy to passively date and I'm not interested in not being a priority.

this ... I adopted a mantra of #goodgirlsdontchase as a reminder to myself NOT to chase guys. If they're interested they'll let you know. Guys seem to think I've got this army of suitors but the reality is while yes there might be some interest, I'm not making the first move - call me traditional but I shouldn't have to chase a guy, he should be the one chasing me lol

That said, I'm seeing a few guys casually and they both reached out to me first and w one i feel comfortable enough to make the effort bc he has too.

[jenstar]

I think I have a history of doing the pursuing somewhat.. I think I've always worried about a guy giving up because he thought I wasn't interested. But at this point I think I'm past that and I don't think going forward that's how this will play out. I think balance is good but I'm tired of putting myself out there and then discovering I was probably just an ego stroke

[glynn]

I want to be pursed.... Just not finding anyone I want to make the effort. It's hard... If they make the effort I will also.
I was dating a guy and every morning I got up super early to go to the gym and would text "Good morning", then we would text on and off all day. One day i didn't just to see what happened and I did not hear from him until lunch asking what was wrong. I said nothing then we texted as normal. I did not sent the text the next morning then did not hear from hime for almost a week. He said he had a lot going on and agreeded he did not make the effort. I kinda ended it there just saying if he could or would not make the effort then i was not interested. We had just celebrated his birthday weekend and I thought things were good. During the time of me not making the effort I decided it was fine to date but it would never be a long term things on my part. He is really making the effort now and I just keep saying I am not interested in anything but causaully dating. He knows I have been chatting with someone from the spring and now he is all about texting me first and even came to my town which he never did in the 3 months we were dating.

[Deleted]

I pursue but I really want them to also pursue ME!

I just don't get it. Like one guy if I didn't call him, we wouldn't talk for days. It was so bizarre. Like if you like me, call me.

[nextbigthing]

I want to be pursued. Especially in the beginning. I'll give enough, but I want him to initiate

The guy I've been dating for almost 3 months was really good about that in the beginning, now it's more even and I'm ok with that. I'm aggressive by nature, but I am somewhat traditional in my dating values as well.

Now I'm over here worrying about this undefined relationship, I like rules. I need my damn divorce Tobe final!

Side note: do I buy him a Christmas gift?

[mysterons]

Dec 14, 2016 15:36:15 GMT -5 glynn said:

I want to be pursed.... Just not finding anyone I want to make the effort. It's hard... If they make the effort I will also.
I was dating a guy and every morning I got up super early to go to the gym and would text "Good morning", then we would text on and off all day. One day i didn't just to see what happened and I did not hear from him until lunch asking what was wrong. I said nothing then we texted as normal. I did not sent the text the next morning then did not hear from hime for almost a week. He said he had a lot going on and agreeded he did not make the effort. I kinda ended it there just saying if he could or would not make the effort then i was not interested. We had just celebrated his birthday weekend and I thought things were good. During the time of me not making the effort I decided it was fine to date but it would never be a long term things on my part. He is really making the effort now and I just keep saying I am not interested in anything but causaully dating. He knows I have been chatting with someone from the spring and now he is all about texting me first and even came to my town which he never did in the 3 months we were dating.

I love how you responded to his lack of effort. 

[Deleted]

Dec 15, 2016 6:42:21 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

I want to be pursued. Especially in the beginning. I'll give enough, but I want him to initiate

The guy I've been dating for almost 3 months was really good about that in the beginning, now it's more even and I'm ok with that. I'm aggressive by nature, but I am somewhat traditional in my dating values as well.

Now I'm over here worrying about this undefined relationship, I like rules. I need my damn divorce Tobe final!

Side note: do I buy him a Christmas gift?

Oh geez, of course my inclination is YES OF COURSE BUY A GIFT! But now I wonder....maybe something small or even nothing is the right answer?!  Who the hell knows ugh. 

[Deleted]

Dec 15, 2016 14:25:53 GMT -5 mysterons said:

Dec 14, 2016 15:36:15 GMT -5 glynn said:

I want to be pursed.... Just not finding anyone I want to make the effort. It's hard... If they make the effort I will also.
I was dating a guy and every morning I got up super early to go to the gym and would text "Good morning", then we would text on and off all day. One day i didn't just to see what happened and I did not hear from him until lunch asking what was wrong. I said nothing then we texted as normal. I did not sent the text the next morning then did not hear from hime for almost a week. He said he had a lot going on and agreeded he did not make the effort. I kinda ended it there just saying if he could or would not make the effort then i was not interested. We had just celebrated his birthday weekend and I thought things were good. During the time of me not making the effort I decided it was fine to date but it would never be a long term things on my part. He is really making the effort now and I just keep saying I am not interested in anything but causaully dating. He knows I have been chatting with someone from the spring and now he is all about texting me first and even came to my town which he never did in the 3 months we were dating.

I love how you responded to his lack of effort. 

yep, and then a little friendly competition and he upped his game.

[nextbigthing]

Dec 15, 2016 17:24:59 GMT -5 @blushnbashful said:

Dec 15, 2016 6:42:21 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

I want to be pursued. Especially in the beginning. I'll give enough, but I want him to initiate

The guy I've been dating for almost 3 months was really good about that in the beginning, now it's more even and I'm ok with that. I'm aggressive by nature, but I am somewhat traditional in my dating values as well.

Now I'm over here worrying about this undefined relationship, I like rules. I need my damn divorce Tobe final!

Side note: do I buy him a Christmas gift?

Oh geez, of course my inclination is YES OF COURSE BUY A GIFT! But now I wonder....maybe something small or even nothing is the right answer?!  Who the hell knows ugh. 

I know!!!! I made some treats for work today and made him up a container too (he's coming over tonight), I was thinking about getting a bottle of whiskey for him

Why is this so hard!

[Deleted]

Dec 15, 2016 18:07:14 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Dec 15, 2016 17:24:59 GMT -5 @blushnbashful said:

Oh geez, of course my inclination is YES OF COURSE BUY A GIFT! But now I wonder....maybe something small or even nothing is the right answer?!  Who the hell knows ugh. 

I know!!!! I made some treats for work today and made him up a container too (he's coming over tonight), I was thinking about getting a bottle of whiskey for him

Why is this so hard!

I think that's good - not too much money or effort but yet something.  I'll be curious to hear if he gets you something??

[Deleted]

Adding on to this you know what is so annoying? The non persuing persuer. The guy who is always like omg I want to see you! When can I see you! This guy resurfaced recently (we went on like one or two dates) and I'm not that into him but I was like ehhhh I'll go out with him again. So he's all like when can I see you. Give him some dates, those don't work for him, so I'm like suggest some days. Then he vaguely is like maybe this weekend. So I'm like works for me tell me when and where. Then silence then repeat of "we have to get together" and the cycle of vague non committing continued. I don't really care so I'm just sort of playing along to see how long it takes him if ever to actually plan a date. I also wonder like what is the end game here? He doesn't actually want to go out obviously so why keep asking and reaching out. So bizarre.

[Deleted]

I broke up with someone who wouldn't call or text me or email or anything. Like over a month long silence because I didn't reach out first. I called him after 6 weeks and was all "you're stupid. I'm great. This is your epic flaw, dude."

[TR]

I was just thinking about this today. When I met BF I was coming off a long time of being the pursuer, to the point where I was eventually realizing that the guys weren't that into me. They were open to hanging out if I initiated/asked, but it wasn't as meaningful to them as it was to me. So when I met BF I purposefully made an effort to let him ask me. I figured that way I'd know he really liked me. I wasn't playing hard to get or anything, I said yes every time he asked me on a date, but I let him keep things going for the first month or so. It made me feel SO wanted and I really needed that at that time.

[melmel48]

Always the pursuer and I hate it! Right now the guy I am into always says yes when I ask him to do something, which is good. However, I would love for him to ask me out! He did ask me out first though. I told a friend I feel like S's activities director!

[thedutchgirl]

I tend to be the pursued. In my current relationship, he pursued for a while, and then I totally flaked. I had to go outside my comfort zone to pursue for a while to show him I wouldn't flake again. It's been totally worth it, and I'm glad I pursued a bit.