Intro & request for support

[ichstricke]

Hi there,

I am mostly a lurker on GBCN but have made a few posts as you can see by my post count.  My H recently told me that he no longer loved me and wanted to separate.  As you can all understand I was blindsided and am a wreck.  Pertinent details: 2 young kids (under 7), have been married 13 years and we both work full time.  I make a good salary.  I'm in the process of booking appointments with a counsellor to work through this personally and have a network of family and friends for support.  I wanted to introduce myself.  My main concern right now is custody and the children's adjustment.  What arrangements have worked best for you?  I realize that every situation is unique and location specific, but it's good to her others experiences.  Thanks so much.

[sacattack]

First of all I'm so sorry, this kind of life change sucks no matter what.

I divorced when DD was 1 and DS was 3. At that point we did EOW - Saturday morning to Sunday night and Tuesday nights. As they got older my ex got more and more time. It allowed me to ease into it and also it allowed him to get more accustomed to caring for the kids.

Now at 7 and 9 they still go to their dads midweek and EOW, but it starts Friday after school and goes till Monday when school starts.

As for adjustment, at the time my kids really didn't notice, or they were so little they didn't say anything.

Now my son is 9 and in the last year or so has been asking questions and wanting to know more about the why behind the divorce. I answer his questions honestly, but don't go into all the details. Just basically tell him we are better friends.

If you have specific questions let me know.

[ichstricke]

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I think this is the part that terrifies me (as I'm sure it does everyone) - not seeing my children for extended periods of time.  I'm hoping to propose every other weekend so the kids have minimal physical transition, but I'm not sure how that will be received.  

Of course I will do a google search, but if anyone has found a particular website or resource helpful, please let me know.

[nextbigthing]

I'm not helpful on the visitation stuff bc I have a weird situation but I wanted to say welcome and I'm sorry you're going through this.

This board has been very helpful to me and I hope it is for you as well.

[stephreloaded]

I have a long distance custody situation so I cannot offer much advice. I would say though, that you do get used to being away from your kids. Actually, sometimes, you crave having time on your own. Kids also adapt pretty quickly if eased into it.

Good luck!

[doriswe]

Sorry you find yourself here.

DS was 7 when we divorced and he goes to XH's every Thursday (overnight) and every other weekend (Friday afterschool until Sunday at 4 PM). It works pretty well for DS. We also spelled out holiday schedules so there's no debate.

I will say at first the time when DS was gone was awful...anxiety provoking, even. However, with time, it has gotten to be something I look forward to as I can do what I need to do without having to drag him along or nag or whatever.

[ichstricke]

Thank you again for the responses.  This may seem crazy, but I'm worried about the long term impact that this will have on the children.  I realize that it's better to be in a happy home than not, but I'm hoping that you all understand what I'm getting at.  I'm worried that the kids will feel confused, sad, without a base, betrayed.  

I have seen the support that this board has provided in the past and I'm so appreciative of your responses now.  

[1confused1]

Jan 3, 2017 18:33:42 GMT -5 ichstricke said:

Thank you again for the responses.  This may seem crazy, but I'm worried about the long term impact that this will have on the children.  I realize that it's better to be in a happy home than not, but I'm hoping that you all understand what I'm getting at.  I'm worried that the kids will feel confused, sad, without a base, betrayed.  

I have seen the support that this board has provided in the past and I'm so appreciative of your responses now.  

I'm sorry you're here! My xh and I separated when my kids were 2 and 4, they are now 7 and 9.

My kid's dad is the biggest douchebag on the planet, but they have no idea and are pretty amazing. They don't really remember when we were together so they don't know a much different life.

[sacattack]

Like you - the idea of not seeing my kids caused me to physically ache. It was terrible. But I came to need that time to rest, catch up on life and recharge because when they were with me, it was just me and I was giving them everything I had.

When I first got divorced my cousin told me I would come to enjoy that time and I thought she was a horrible person, but she was right.

Now that I'm remarried, I sometimes miss the alone time.

[ichstricke]

Thank you. I realize that with time, things should get better as routines and schedules are established.  There's just so much change in the moment that it is difficult to process it all.  I feel like such a failure for not being able to keep a marriage and a husband.  Everywhere I go there are happy couples! (I realize that this isn't necessarily the truth; just my distorted viewpoint). Thanks again, everyone.

[dancelnow]

As far as custody, unless there is a safety reason not to, you should aim for some sort of 50/50 situation. As much as you will miss the kids, he likely is too. And kids deserve equal access to both parents.

We do every other week with a midweek overnight at the other parent.

[sacattack]

I promise you - there are so many people in marriages that may appear happy on the outside but are anything but happy on the inside. After I announced I was getting divorced so many people confided in me about their marriages.

People choose to stay unhappily married for a variety of reasons. :-)

[itsmyparty]

My ex and I don't have kids, so I can't offer you advice from a parent's perspective. HOWEVER, I am a child of divorce - parents divorced when I was 2 - so I'll give you my take on that...

It's so important for parents to model healthy, loving relationships for their kids, whether that's together or separate. I was too little to remember what my parents were like when they were married, but they were always respectful toward each other around us and when they talked about the other to us. I also learned a great deal in having a strong, resilient, independent mother as a role model. And although my dad pretty much dropped the ball in visitation and everything else he should have been a part of, my mom never stepped in the way of his involvement in my life. I wish he would have taken more of an active role in my young life, because as an adult I've realized how important a father's influence is in a female's development.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is: your kids will be fine, as long as you both commit to modeling healthy co-parent and parent-child relationships with them. I don't believe that kids are necessarily better off in a home with both parents if those parents are modeling an unhealthy and unhappy relationship (whether that's fighting, abuse, neglect, unaffectionate, etc.). 

[flatlan]

I also don't have any children but wanted to stop in and offer my support. It sounds like you have a good plan of action but please take care of yourself. Divorce is hard but you can do this!

[sweetchix]

Hugs.

My DDs were 4 and 6 when we divorced. We follow a 2/2/3 schedule. I like this as they are never without the other parent for more than 1 full day, with exception to the weekends. Then they have 2 full days without. It was hard in the beginning to be without them, even for 1 day, since I was used to seeing them every day. But it has gotten easier and it's nice to have a breather. Holidays (especially Christmas and New Year's, are still a bit difficult though).

Both DDs went through a phase of not wanting to go with XH when it was his time with them. DD2 mainly just whined about it, and still does occasionally, but DD1 would actually cry. I bought her a journal and she wrote out her feelings and she eventually stopped. She may also whine from time to time, but it's no where near how she acted before.

Are you kids old enough to write? I highly suggest a journal.

[ichstricke]

Itsmyparty, thanks for your input.  Your perspective is so important.  My H and I have briefly talked and I do think that we can both be focused on the children and doing what is best for them.  To be honest, I can only think about the scenario for a few minutes because I then completely meltdown at this being my new reality.  This sucks so much and it shouldn't be like this.

The suggestion for the journal is good.  I think my oldest would like that.  My youngest could journal her feelings by drawing (if she is able to grasp the concept).

Thanks for the support.